My husband's family are the masters of noncommunication and waiting until the last minute. It drives me nuts. I like to plan things and know in advance about getting together and what to bring. So this year at Thanksgiving, my SIL and I were chatting casually about Christmas while preparing dinner, but we never had a full conversation about it or talked it over with the rest of the family. So I messaged both my SILs about a plan that expanded on what we had been chatting about and asked them what they thought about it. My husband talked to his mom and she's up for the plan I suggested (MIL only speaks spanish and I don't speak it so well). My husband's sister is up for it. But his brother's wife, the one I had originally been talking with, wasn't responding to my messages. My husband was hanging out with his brother and brought it up with him but he was really noncommital and weird about it.
So we happened to all be together again this past weekend, and I brought it up with everyone there. We ended up making a plan that sort of resembles what I suggested. Since Christmas is on a Tuesday, and my husband and inlaws will likely have to work the next day, I suggested we all get together the Sat before for dinner and to exchange gifts. That way everyone can relax and not have to worry about work the next day, and hopefully it wouldn't conflict with anyone's other side of the family get togethers. Since in years past we have not all had a lot of money, we've been doing just gifts for the kids. This year we're all doing a little better, so I suggested going back to doing an adult gift exchange, but not drawing names, just doing a grab bag type game.
Then it got uncomfortable, because it seemed like everyone thought I was pushing my ideas, and maybe they had other plans that they had not communicated. It came out that BILs family was planning to do their own gift for the parents, and maybe for everyone else too, I don't know. Which is fine, I just didn't figure everyone was doing the same and might appreciate the grab bag idea. Plus, it's fun! And, I feel like everyone was mad I was suggesting Sat because then what would everyone do on Christmas. Traditionally we would all go over to their mom's Christmas eve and eat something, then wait and open gifts at midnight. Some years not everyone came due to spending the holiday with the other side of the family. I feel like everyone thinks I'm being pushy and trying to change stuff, and that's not my intention. I just wanted to suggest something a little different this year so everyone could be there and stay the whole time and not have to rush off to another family, or home to bed for work.
I can't seem to let go of this nagging feeling like they're all upset with me for suggesting this.
If you were me, would you tell them how you're feeling and try to talk it out, or keep it to yourself because you'd either be making too big a deal out of nothing or, if it is something, you'd be making it worse?
My husband is no help, he's all for the plan I suggested, but he doesn't know what to think of everyone's reaction either.
Sorry for this long post, but I really hate the thought of someone being upset with me, and especially when they won't tell me they're upset or how to fix it. :(
Change can happen, whether it is Latino, white, Asian family or whatever! Maybe just ask everyonefor a suggestion and try to work as many of them into the celebration as possible. We used to go to every other year to my inlaws the other years to my parents. when we moved into a larger home my dad asked me to have Christmas Eve, because it was my uncles last Christmas, I did and had both sides of the family here, I enjoyed it so much I decided to do it every year. I told everyone that is was time for the moms (mine and his) to "retire" from having to do all the work. PLUS Christmas time is stressful enough, so now every year I have it here and say whoever can come GREAT,if you cant or dont want to OH WELL! Goodluck!
Updated
Change can happen, whether it is Latino, white, Asian family or whatever! Maybe just ask everyonefor a suggestion and try to work as many of them into the celebration as possible. We used to go to every other year to my inlaws the other years to my parents. when we moved into a larger home my dad asked me to have Christmas Eve, because it was my uncles last Christmas, I did and had both sides of the family here, I enjoyed it so much I decided to do it every year. I told everyone that is was time for the moms (mine and his) to "retire" from having to do all the work. PLUS Christmas time is stressful enough, so now every year I have it here and say whoever can come GREAT,if you cant or dont want to OH WELL! Goodluck!
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
More Answers
C.V.
answers from
Columbia
on
Christmas is a touchy subject because you're messing with traditions. I would ask your husband what they traditionally do and try to stick with that as much as possible. The rule with traditions generally is: You can add to it, but don't take away.
4 moms found this helpful
Report This
L.U.
answers from
Seattle
on
As a woman married to a Mexican man who has a LOT of family that lives close by....
We would never change Christmas eve. It's tradition. Everyone gets together Christmas eve, we eat dinner REALLY late (like 10 or 11pm!) and then exchange some gifts at midnight. It's just the way it is. If I suggested that we change it all up then people would look at me cooky too.
So, I suggest that your husband talk with HIS family. Find out what everyone wants to do, and then you go along with it.
I understand where you are coming from, and I think it's great that you were trying to think of everyone else and working on Wednesday and whatnot...but I really think that unless there is a BIG reason a Latino will not change Christmas eve. :) LOL
L.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
H.P.
answers from
Houston
on
I don't think that you're making somethign out of nothing, but I do think that if you try to talk that aspect out right now, then you'll be digging a big hole that would be hard to climb out of. I vote for just letting it go. Move forward with whatever you guys have decided on for the celebration, and fight the urge to explain yourself. Just be mindful of how you relate to them in the future.
I am a person who often feels the need to explain, and it turns into just a big ol' mess. It's because I hate confusion, and I like to fix problems before they become problems. Sometimes that is appropriate. Most of the time--I think--it's not. I call it "having both sides of the conversation". Instead of allowing others to tell me that they have a problem or to present me with whatever might be on their minds, I want to beat them to the punch and solve the matter before it is even a matter.
If they have a problem with how you are doing things, let them say those words to you. Until you hear it from them, keep on truckin'. Just make a point of choosing your "pushiness" very carefully in the future, so they get to see that that aspect of your personality does not dominate you.
I kind of "take charge" like that in my life. My opinions are no more valuable than anyone else's, but if they're quiet, then mine is the only one that will be heard. That's not on me. I just try to balance it by stating clearly on other occasions that "I have no preference."
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
J.C.
answers from
New York
on
I'm with you - make a move/decision or shut the F up!
I feel for you - my hubbies family is the same - they want nothing changed ever - everything is always the same old boring thing!! Try to change it, get some uh, yeah, sounds great but nothing comes of it.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
M.C.
answers from
Washington DC
on
I would say something. I hosted Christmas one year for a change of pace and all of the inlaws hated it! 'It just isn't Christmas if it isn't at Dad's house'. Well, there was a fine how-do-you-do! I have not offered since.
I would call all of them and say, so the Saturday plan didn't seem to be a hit... what do you have in mind?
I am not sure what the main issue here is. if they all get together Christmas Eve (Monday night into Tues.) and don't have to be to work until Wed., why would Christmas with their parents have to be on Saturday?
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
F.H.
answers from
Phoenix
on
I would just let it go...for now. I mean, its only the 5th for cryin' out loud! If you don't hear from anyone in 2 weeks, then I would bring it up again when everyone is together and just simply say, "so what are we doing about Christmas?" You have made your suggestions so just see what happens. Then next year, chill out and lay low and try not to stress so much about it. I mean, TONS of people have to go to work on the 26th. If its an issue, eat around noon instead of 6pm and that gives people time to get home and relax before work the next day. Good luck.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
A.B.
answers from
Dallas
on
If a plan has been worked out, I'd just let it go. I know that for my family, my niece and nephew are in school through Friday. So a big family Christmas on Saturday would be stressful because of trying to get things done that we haven't had a chance to do while school (and all the holiday programs) are in session. Our family would NEED that Saturday, Sunday and early Monday to finish all the last minute stuff. Perhaps that's part of the issue, who knows? The big thing is that as long as a plan has been formed, let it go....there's a plan. You made a suggestion, it was considered and some type of holiday arrangments were ultimately made. I doubt that they're angry or that it needs fixing. Just go and honestly enjoy your holidays together!
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
M.P.
answers from
Portland
on
I would say something like, "I hope everyone knows that I was just putting out ideas. I'm game to do what we all decide. I want to know your honest opinions." And then be willing with an open attitude to listen to what they say.
I've learned that often my sense of something being wrong is just my own sensitivity. I calm my feelings down by reminding myself that this is just the way I feel for now and then focus on letting go of the feeling. By stating the above you've checked out others' ieas and it's really only the ideas that you want to clarify.
If you ask them how they feel you're bound to put them on the defensive and you don't want to cause the situation to be more complicated.
