Would You Broach This Topic? If Yes, How?

K.,
My son is 10 years old and in 4th grade. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5. His after school teacher just told me last week that she thinks I should look into Asperger's Syndrome. I can only imagine how hard that was for her. From the parent's side - We know that something is different and I think I needed her little nudge to make me look into it. Approach it very tenderly because it is very hard to hear - but she does need to hear it! Good luck!
A.

Hi K.,

I have always been able to see that my kids as well as everybody else's (although many of them will disagree)are NOT perfect and were born to this world...human...with attributes as well as faults.
But, that being said, you need to approach it with sensitivity. I would start with reassuring the mother that you think her child is a very sweet, smart child. But, that you wonder if she has ever considered having her evaluated because it seems as though some things with regard to socialization do not come easy for her.
Add, that having her assessed can only prove to be beneficial for her, since what is...IS. (denying it exists will not make it go away) and if it is some sort of chemical imbalance can be treated and then the real persona of the child can finally break free and enjoy life.

If, you are not comfortable approaching the mom head on, you could always just broach the subject with, "I have this friend whose daughter/son.....

I think I'd tend to stay quiet on the subject. If the girl is in kindergarten already, her teacher can probably pick up on these things and refer her for help if need be. If she starts in the fall, I imagine the teacher will pick up on it quickly!

However, if you do feel the need to address this (especially if it affects your daughter), I would tend to encourage your friend to ask her doctor about the behavior, maybe without suggesting a specific diagnosis. I think sometimes parents of children like this are in denial, (who wants their child to be autistic?!), and it may be better for them to hear it from someone else. However, I'm sure your friend will need lots of support and a patient, listening ear while she goes through the diagnostic process, if it comes to that.

Good luck with this. It sounds like a tricky situation!

A. A.

Yes I would . There is something going on with your friends little girl that should be address if not by her mother then by you as her mother's friend. Maybe the Mother is scared or confused and doesn't know herself on what actions to take regarding this situation. I hope this helps and good luck :)

I would definitely bring it up. If you love the child and her mother, it is the only natural thing to do.

Good luck!

K., when I first read your request, I thought you perfectly outlined the symptoms of an autism disorder. Ask yourself if you would want someone to point out the possibility to you. How would you feel if two or three years down the road, when your child was far behind developmentally, someone finally suggested the possibility of Aspergers to you.
Next, how well do you know this friend? Are you very close? Since, if you choose to tell your friend, she will likely blame you or lash out at you, are you willing to risk your friendship for your friend's child?
Lastly, this is a very delicaten subject and there is not an easy way to approach such a touchy topic. You might want to consider discussing it with your own pediatrician and getting well armed with information both on autism disorders as well as the treatments and programs for addressing them.

As much as we would like to believe that all teachers are sharp-eyed and insightful and will immediately pick up on the fact that this child has a behavioral disorder, as others have noted, that is not always the case and it could be another year or more before the school system cues in on the issue. The sooner this mom gets her child checked out and, if necessary, started on a program, the better off she, and her child, will be.

Good luck.

Definitely speak with the Mother ASAP!!! My nephew wasn't diagnosied with A.S. until after 2nd grade and had consistently had behavioral problems in school. The final straw was when he got in serious trouble and was expelled. He is now in 6th grade at private school specializing in autism spectrum disorders and is doing much better with his behavior, socialization, and academics. This disorder is treatable, but the most effective treatment begins early.

Hi K.,
Yes I would gently bring it up. The schools are not allowed to make a clinical diagnosis and the longer she waits the later she will get help for what clearly is SOME sort of problem. I do not know much about either medical condition, but I am sure that the sooner the treatment begins the better it will be for the child. Your "gut" is telling you something is wrong here and maybe her mother knows it too, but needs the nudge. Trust that intuition. If this friend is angry (your worst case fear) and no longer wants to play date you have not lost anything because soon your children will not want to be together anyway. They will get a whole new set of friends in Kindergarten and life will get busier for both of you moms. The fact that you are concerned with being a busybody tells me you are not. You could say something like, " Does it ever concern you that she _______ ? I have heard that it can be a warning sign for _______. It is probably nothing but maybe you should mention it to your doctor and check the internet for information on early warning signs. I 'm not an expert, of course, but her reactions to things are just so different from the other little girls her age."
I know it is scary, but these babies are worth it, and if she is truly a friend worth keeping she will love you for caring so much. As with all big decisions I would spend some time in prayer before doing anything and let God help you do the talking.
N.

Has the child started school yet? I would expect that the teachers will begin broaching this subject, if they haven't already.

If she's not in school, and it were me, I would bring it up, but as Barbara said, in a gentle non-judgmental way. I certainly would not *name* what I'm thinking -- in other words, I wouldn't mention Asperger's. I would probably just comment that she seems to struggle with social interactions, reading social cues, etc. I typically let parents know that the 'worst' that can happen is that they find out there IS something going on with their child, in which case, they've found out at an early age and can begin educating themselves AND teachers (which I believe is a HUGE piece, becasue Self-esteem will depend largely on how the child is perceived by teachers and peers). The 'best' that could happen is that you find out there is *nothing* going on, in which case, if you used a good evaluator, you'll still have some excellent information about how your child learns best, what her strengths and weaknesses are, etc.
I always recommend a multi-disciplinary approach, though. Not just a pediatrician's ten minute check. In your friend's case, her child is kindergarten age, so she should be able to get an evaluation through the school system, even if she's in a private school, or not in school at all. They operate on a triage system, though, so evaluation might not be immediate.

Private evaluation is not cheap, but I think the information is excellent. In my case, I have a 23 page report from my son's evaluation, including recommended modifications and accommodations. I consider it well worth the money we paid.

But be sensitive to your friend's cues as well. Learning your child has something 'up' is like a mini-death, and the parents go through all the stages of grief, including anger. And the research shows that most parents need to hear it from three sources before they 'buy' it. If you're the first, . . .

I would imagine the school will be on top of it pretty quickly too. Good Luck!

firt I am all the above and a christian woman. a friend would be gentle in any approach. I would have the child for playtime away from her mom, children tend to be different when not in their own environment and then if need to say anything I would. like breast cancer self screening is a preventive measure. we as women when we say friend remember (JESUS)calls us his friend. we are responsible for one another no matter what!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FRIEND.

i think that it would depend on how good of a friend this woman is. if she is your best friend and a very close confidant, i might attempt a conversation like "hey nancy, i was just wondering if their is a reason that little abby doesn't seem to like to be hugged, or behaves a particular way. i just have noticed some unique behavior." but if she is not really that close, you may just have to bite your tung and let it go.