Would This Strike You as Odd?

I think it's reasonable what she said, just not how she did it. You never know the back story, so I don't blame her for wanting to remove the child, but if it were me I would have gone up to the host prior to the party and said "Hey just wanted to let you know that at cake time, we'll have to go."
If that had been MY son's party, I'd have felt guilty I didn't know before hand and bad for the child.

I can't understand why that mother didn't bring a substitute cake for her son to eat. That sounds just so mean to make him leave and it was certainly rude. The mom had to know people typically/always serve cake/dessert.

Sounds like she likes drama. In my group of friends we have a kid and her mom who can't have nuts or gluten. So we have iced rice crispie treats and it works out really well. There's something there for everyone. If this mom didn't make the restriction known until literally the minute of the cake cutting, there is no one to blame but herself that there wasn't something else for her son.

yes, that's very odd and actually tips over into rude. she obviously had not alerted the hostess in advance, and put her on the spot and make her look unaccommodating. if she wasn't going to either give the hostess a heads-up or bring her own treat for her child, she should have politely declined the invitation.
i would suggest that you don't alter your own plans simply because one mom at a different party was kind of unpleasant. you can't forecast 100% running into folks like this. it sounds as if you are already courteous and bend over backwards to be accommodating, so don't stress over becoming anxious and anal about it.
but then, i never invited 'classrooms full of kids' to any of our parties so had somewhat less to deal with.
khairete
S.

ETA: Now that I've read the other responses, I still think there is an element of drama, and hence my belief that it was rude, because of this part of the mom's statement…'and it isn't fair to make him watch.'

If the child cannot have cake for whatever reason, the mom is certainly within her rights to remove him. The problem is her timing and that last comment. At any time during the party, she could have told the hostess he can't have cake and then slipped out quietly. Knowing she was going to do this, she could have thanked the hostess prior to departure or even called the hostess later to thank her. But the inclusion of the statement about the fairness of it all smacks of drama.

As I said in my original response, I hope she's just new to this and will develop better strategies in the future.

ORIGINAL:

Yes, it'd odd, AND it's rude.

I'm saying that as a mom of a child with severe allergies. My son has outgrown most now but is still severely allergic to tree nuts. We've had to do the Epi-pen and ER trip for anaphylaxis, so I truly know and appreciate how serious allergies are, and I'm a big advocate for food allergy education.

Since my son was so allergic to so many things, he learned early what he could and couldn't have. I taught him that he'd get really sick if he ate _________ (whatever it was). There were many birthday parties where he couldn't have cake and ice cream. Was he sad at first? Yes, of course! He was a little kid! The important thing, however, was that he LEARNED. You have to teach kids with allergies that there are certain things they cannot have, and that's just the way it is. It might not be fair, but it's reality, and as a parent you have to teach them that.

Depending on the event, I'd either bring a special snack or I'd tell him he could have one of his treats later at home. He learned. My sister-in-law does the same thing for my niece, who, at 11, still has not outgrown her nut and dairy allergies. Our kids don't stop going to parties. They adapt.

For this mom to make a scene in front of everyone and steal the birthday boy's moment was just wrong. Maybe she's new to being a mom with an allergic kid, so I hope she'll learn. Additionally, she deprived her son of a very important learning experience----that there will be things at various events in life that he just can't eat.

It is vital that children with allergies to learn this lesson, and it becomes more important as kids move into the school years where they are not constantly supervised by parents. They have to be able to say, "I can't eat that" and be okay with it. Especially when otherwise well meaning adults say, "oh are you sure you can't just have one little slice?" It happens, and he needs to be ready to say no, but he won't learn that if mommy keeps swooping him away whenever something might make him sad.

I don't want to seem unsympathetic, but her child needs to learn this lesson, and she needs to learn appropriate proactive parenting. There is a way to advocate for your child and educate people about allergies without making a scene.

For your parties, simply ask the teachers for a list of the food allergies in your class and go from there. Most schools have no nut policies, but there are other common allergies to be aware of. Ask the teacher what kinds of treats the kids who have allergies CAN have and provide those as an alternative. When I brought doughnuts for my son's class for his birthday, I brought a small package of oreos for the child who couldn't have doughnuts. It was the one treat he could have.

For your party at home, just ask the parents. If any kids with allergies will be attending without parents there, make sure they bring their allergy action plans and emergency kits (antihistamine and Epi-pen or similar injector if they have one) and be sure someone there knows how to use it. I promise, it's not as complicated as it sounds!

Food Allergy Research & Education at www.foodallergy.org is a great resource for anyone dealing with food allergies. (It's not my website, and I have no business relationship with it----have just found it really helpful). Check that out for additional ideas, and your parties will be problem-free. Well, at least allergy problem-free! : )

Thanks for showing concern and care for those with allergies! Good luck with your parties!

J. F.

I would say that was a good example if "right church, wrong pew."
She was doing what was best for her kid, but making it awkward for everyone else, including the kid.

I have a friend who has the same issue with her child. She always brings a homemade cupcake to parties.

That's just plain strange. Talk about a narcissistic response from the mom. Sad. Hope that mom isn't narcissistic in all aspects of her parenting. She needs to step it up and do what's best for her son without taking away from his fun. Bring an alternate dessert...Fruit, muffin or whatever. Sad for the little boy =(

I think that mother should be teaching her child how to deal with his food allergies/issues instead of avoid them. Most children I know with allergies handle their allergies on their own by age 7. They know cake is served at a party and bring their own special cake/dessert with them.

For this mom "alternatives' may not be an option. I've known some kids who will not take any substitution what-so-ever once they see someone else having something. It's worse when it's something sugar related.

She may have just decided to try an avoid the melt down and leave before it happened.

I always contact the teacher before I bring in treats for a birthday for my special needs kiddo...I want ALL the kids to participate...and even have brought in applesauce (and yes, stuck candles in it!!!) to make sure 'all' could be part of the celebration.

I also go almost NOWHERE without bananas, juice, and bottled water (and I have the fruit flies in my van to prove it) for my daughter...all acceptable options for her that I do NOT expect others to have on hand.

Maybe this mom is new to the 'birthday circuit'? Maybe the allergy/sensitivity is a new thing...and mom had not thought ahead?

Personally, at ALL kiddos Bday parties, we opened presents before cake.

My suggestion is to ask the teacher WELL in advance about allergy/dietary issues. One party not long ago...I had to come HERE for gluten free options...as a new kiddo in the class had some issues (cake was made...etc).

Do not sweat it...sounds like you are very understanding!

Best!

I do find that odd too. Its like me not taking my kids to the zoo because the see all the other kids get to do the extras (carousel, train ride, etc) and we don't because I can't afford that extra expense.

Life is full of disappointments, to shelter a kid because he 'can't have cake' is going to make things worse in the long run.

If my kid wasn't able to eat the cake, I would have something small for him, tell the host I would bring him a subsitute, or just explain to him that he has to wait until he gets home to have something. If he really cannot have a specific food, he needs to learn others will have it...and he might actually have to watch people eat it, gasp!!

ETA: Julie S. I'm sure allergy mom RSVP'd for this party, so why couldn't she let the mom know then? So she interrupted the singing to make her announcement, and you don't see that as rude? She was better off leaving silently. And to all parents, ALWAYS expect cake at a party!

Original:

How sad, ridiculous and RUDE of her. If I have a gathering for close friends and I know their kids have an allergy, I will try to accommodate or give a heads up that I wasn't able too. However if a kid is going to a school friends party, as a parent, I would NEVER expect someone to accommodate my childs allergy. The allergy mom was out of line how she handled this. As the hostess, I would have said "Bye, thanks for coming".

If I were you, I wouldn't do anything different for your kids birthdays, parents need to take responsibility for their own kids, IMO

Jerkville....shame on that Mom.

My son is allergic to peanut...& we dealt with it. I avoided grand-standing at all costs.

Her timing was not the best. Maybe she was caught off guard or something. As a host, I would have liked to know this ahead of time so that, and I would have tried to have a treat for him that he could have. I was a very, very picky eater as a child, so it means a lot to me for kids to have choices and feel good about what they are eating.

I'm not sure how you can completely prevent something like this from happening. The parents need to plan ahead and talk to the host about it. If it's for a classroom party, talk to the teacher ahead of time, as the teacher might have her own rules and should have a list of allergies for al the kids.

Relax. There's only so much you can do.

I think it was a strange way to approach it. If he is unable to eat the cake due to a diet restriction, she should have brought something acceptable.

The sad thing is, her little boy pays the highest price for her lack of planning. At least the birthday boy had friends who stayed. He has to leave the fun and be the only one going home. Nothing worse than feeling left out, excluded or missing out on the fun when you are a kid.

I think the mom should have told the hostess ahead of time. Just an FYI, Johnny can't have cake, so we'll be leaving when it's served. She could have quietly slipped out without a fuss. Why call attention to it before everyone is set to sing happy birthday?

Yes, very rude. I suggest leaving the party is acceptable but not just before singing. She could wait and quietly slip out while the cake was being served. It was rude to make a production out of it. Doing so implied criticism of the hostess for serving cake. She put a damper on everyone's happiness.

I also suggest that she is setting her son up for difficulties. Kids have difficulty understanding why she would do this and wonder what is wrong with him. And she is depriving her son of the fun of being in a group celebrating of being accepted and part of the group. As others have suggested there are much healthier ways of managing diet restrictions.

I especially question the comment about it being unfair for her son to watch others eating cake. I suggest it's unfair for the birthday boy and his mom of being accused of being unfair.

I and my granddaughter have food allergies. My daughter has become vegan. We would never leave an event because we couldn't eat the food. My granddaughter is allegic to peanuts. She learned in Kindergarten to ask about peanuts. We take responsibility for ourselves. This mom with her comments made everyone feel responsible in some way. They caused you to wonder about your role in providing snacks but not in an inquiring way. You sound like you feel you may be reponsible for the mother's feelings towards what you do or don't do.

I wonder why he couldn't stay and have something else from the kitchen or just have punch or water. She didn't even say why he can't eat cake. The reason sounds more punitive than dietary. She should've clued in the hostess at the beginning or quietly left without making a scene.

I think there is more to the story that we (and you) don't know. We will never know the actual reason why this boy couldn't have the cake. The mom should have chosen a different time to tell the host that she would leave before cake was served. However, it's possible she didn't realize the cake was going to come out when it did. She probably should have said something prior to the party, or when she first arrived, but maybe she forgot and was caught off guard when the cake was served. I don't think it's rude for her to leave before cake if it is an issue for her son. It is not the guest's fault that there weren't very many people at the party.

My son has allergies. We keep cupcakes in the freezer and bring one to every single birthday party we attend. Sometimes though, we'll be caught off guard at other events, when someone brings treats just for fun that we weren't expecting. While those moments are hard for us, I just make a deal with my son to give him something special when we get back home.

"Lest he glimpse cake" -- LOL.

Even if he's diabetic, I disagree with that mom's approach. But what can you do.

I don't know. Seems to me the really odd thing is how, if your post had been from the position of that mom and asking "how do I handle birthday parties "Little Johnny" is invited to, without going into detail about his medical condition?" that many of these same ladies would be saying, "no need to discuss his medical condition. Just let the hostess know that it's time for you to leave, and do so. Be sure to discuss it with "Little Johnny" so he knows what to expect, but if you aren't comfortable sharing his medical situation, you don't have to."
Am I right?

Because really.. that's the other side of this. You don't know why he couldn't have cake. Only that he couldn't have it. Maybe it was punishment for something he did earlier in the day. Maybe she didn't say anything in advance b/c it is a particular food dye and she didn't know if it would be in the frosting until the cake came out and she saw it. What kind of cake was it? Maybe her kid has a chocolate allergy, or a nut allergy or blue dye reactions or who knows what.... but it became evident to the mom when the cake came out. Would YOU respond to a birthday party RSVP for your 4-6 yr old child with, "Sure, Little Johnny will be there, as long as you don't use red dye on the cake frosting." Of course not. Much simpler for her to wait and see, and hope the cake is frosted in green.
But she still had to give a reason for leaving early. She was honest, but didn't divulge more information than she felt comfortable. Isn't that what we are always telling each other to do?? Advocate for your kids! Don't share more than you are comfortable! No reason you can't just leave a little early.

I just don't get the judgment. She brought her kid, I presume brought a gift for the birthday boy even (since you didn't mention that she didn't), and left without her son getting to see the gift opened. And gee, at many parties, they don't open the gifts anyway, so maybe she didn't even expect to see that.
Cake comes out... she realizes that yes, there is some aspect of it that precludes her child from eating it, so she made a brief apology, said a brief goodbye, and left. Probably to find Johnny something he could have. Or maybe she got a text about something else just a few moments before of a personal nature, that required her to leave right then. If you or the other moms are not close friends with her, she may not have wanted to share the nature of why she had to leave immediately. So she told a white lie.
But the point is, who cares?
She wasn't rude. It doesn't even sound like she made a scene. She had her child say goodbye to the hostess. Sounds like she was rather polite, given that suddenly, she couldn't stay.

This is one of those "benefit of the doubt" situations to me.

Very odd. I have ALWAYS accommodated anyone within reason (including planning to get a few cupcakes from our kosher bakery). Even if a child doesn't want or doesn't eat cake, it seems overly dramatic and rude to say, "We are leaving because you dared serve cake." Um. OK. Her kid is going to have a really hard time with disappointment and dealing with things that don't cater to him, IMO. My DD cannot have most juice and some candy and she just knows she can ask for water or hand me the candy to read the ingredients. It's never been a problem. Sometimes I bring her own drink/snack just to make it easier.

You will never 100% avoid issues with unknown kids, but I would say that this one was outside the normal ones I would expect. I would ask the RSVPs that are coming if there are any known allergens to worry about, or other dietary restrictions, and not overthink a CAKE at a BIRTHDAY PARTY. (I might also mentally note NOT to invite the drama mama's kid.)

ETA: I think what you did with the peanut allergy kid was great. I strongly suspect that this wasn't just about a cake, but about drama and inflicting it on others. Please do not let her worry you. MOST people are not so weird.

A little, but things are a bit different today. Kids are sensitive to foods that never seemed to bother kids before. Perhaps food sensitivity was not recognized and kids just suffered.

In any event, she has not learned how to handle her situation yet. My daughter has a friend in her class and he plays hockey with her. He must have an allergy to cheese because when the hockey team has pizza night he always has a bowl of home cooked chicken bits and some other knot of some sort. I saw this with a birthday party that served pizza as well. He also usually goes and sits by his mother to eat. Being that he is 8 years old, I am not sure why he sits by her other than maybe he doesn't want to answer questions about his food.

They don't make a big deal about it, they just supply a food he can and will eat.

My first thought is, perhaps this child has more going on than being allergic to nuts or dairy. There are some children who literally cannot eat solid food due to esophageal issues or severe medical issues, and perhaps this child has a feeding tube or must drink a liquid medical formula. He may have suffered a trauma (he might have choked and nearly died and may be going through therapy to learn to eat safely and comfortably again). He might be undergoing a medical test or surgery in the morning, and might not be able to eat for a few hours. If they're long-term issues, (and he's not just haivng a tooth pulled and supposed to avoid food the day before or something fairly mild like that), the dietary changes may be new to him and his family, and he may be grieving the loss of familiar things (cake, party food, or even regular food) and may be in a difficult psychological phase. So perhaps a substitution may have not been enough. It may have been a triumph for him to show up at all.

Even so, if the mom literally said "it's not fair", I would say that part was odd. I would have quietly explained that there is a medical situation and seeing food would be difficult, if it were a friend that I knew and trusted. If she didn't know the hosts, I would have just excused myself and my child with our apologies.

Life isn't fair, and if this is an ongoing issue for the child, that mom will have to find a different way to phrase it. My child is very ill with multiple problems, and no, it's not fair at all, but I wouldn't say that in front of others. In the counselor's office, we recognize that it's not fair with the counselor's guidance and with proper help, and how to deal with chronic illness. Unless the child can't leave the hospital, he's going to have to face the world and if he has a serious chronic medical condition that prevents him from eating normal food, he and his mom will need some support to learn to deal with social situations.

She might not have been smooth about it, but I can relate:

We had my son's birthday when he was three-- we unwittingly let him have something with high fructose corn syrup. He was hyper, up most of the night, sick-- in short, it was hell. The next time he had it, he had freakout in the produce section of the grocery store, tried to climb up my husband and ended up giving himself a black eye on the produce bag stand.

When we went to a party soon afterward, we left before there was cake. Mainly because I wasn't going to grill the woman about what was in the cake--she'd got it from a large supermarket bakery and I wasn't going to make her feel bad about it. So, the woman at your party likely wasn't very graceful, but I can see myself, tired from a kids party, possibly saying something similar. Kid parties tire me out, to be honest. Just have some grace for the woman-- trust me, I have food sensitivities and frankly, it sucks to be 'the dinner guest from hell'. It's embarrassing, in a way, to have to announce "I/my kid is different". It's not always drama-- sometimes it's just tiredness and self-preservation and not wanting your kid to eat something they have a reaction to.

Do what you need to do with your parties. Don't worry about this woman in particular.

ETA: And with all due respect, reading other posts: if my son had a medical issue which was affecting him, I certainly wouldn't allude to it with other children hanging around. I think we sort of need to be discreet about our children's challenges and personal lives, esp around other kids.
and later: wow, I'm really surprised at some of the responses. Going to a birthday party is about the friendship, not the cake. Those of us who had to go home little earlier when our children were younger and less able to understand.... we offered a nice something at home for our kids later. It's not heartless, it's hard enough having to make the 'uncool' choice for our kids, much less without being told that we should stay home because we are 'being mean' to our kids. Good grief. Being a parent means making hard choices and I'm willing to make them if need be.

I dont find it rude. I find it sad. You don't bring a kid to a birthday party and not expect him to want cake. It's passive aggressive at best. Mostly it stinks of bs moms who want everything fair. Little Johnny participated, he deserves a trophy. Life isn't fair. Dont come to a birthday party and then make a scene when life isn't fair for you.

your way over thinking this. the mom didn't want the kid to have cake for whatever reason that is on her. just let it go. some people don't expect others to accommodate their kids allergy etc. You being "positive" the host would have accommodated them is not the same as her asking for it to be done. It seems more like you are the one blowing it out of proportion.

I think she was trying to be dramatic and I do find it rude. If it was my kid I would have brought something along he could have rather then try to make a big deal out of the fact the he can't have the cake. It almost seems like she feels that no one should ever have cake ever again just because her kid can not. And it does a huge disservice to her kid, it is not like his issue will magically go away and chances are he will be around people eating cake/desserts, he needs to understand that the world does not revolve around him and his dietary restrictions.

I have a friend, both her kids are really allergic to eggs. Typically the mom calls ahead to make sure there is Ice Cream, and has even offered to buy the ice cream a few times, and then she stays at the party to make sure her kids only have ice cream. I like the way she handles it, but I have to admit I understand the wanting to leave. If her kid was to think 'Oh, maybe I will just have one bite of someone else cake' Then there would be a hospital visit. So, maybe the mom is just trying to avoid problems?

Very rude...it sounds like the mom was being passive aggressive and was angry that the party mom did not accommodate her child's food restrictions. She should have just brought something from home for her son instead of making it a big issue.

I am adding this to the top in hopes some of the women here read it and maybe reflect on their attitude. This child is either four or six years old! These are the ages when a lot of food issues come up. So all you perfect moms out there that are calling this woman rude or saying her poor son shouldn't go to the birthday party at all, think for a moment what you would do if your child was just diagnosed, you don't know how to handle it, you suddenly realize he is not going to be able to eat the cake, you panic and run.

I don't know if that happened but I know that would be why I would do what she did.

See women, that is empathy! Reading someone's question and answering it how you think they want to hear, that is not empathy, that is enabling.
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Maybe I am odd but I don't question parents restrictions. Heck if I did I would think you would were rude making someone make something special or bringing in something different. But I don't judge these things.

I have a niece with celiacs, she actually likes, sort of, well enough, gluten free stuff. Not all kids do and even those that do are well aware that their cake taste like poop compared to what the other kids are eating.

Maybe birthday cake was his favorite thing ever before he was diagnosed!! You don't know because they mom wasn't make a big deal over it, just saying we have to go.

So who are you to judge how they deal with it?

Telling the host we have to leave now is not making a big deal out of them leaving, this post is making a big deal out of them leaving.

This isn't an issue unless you feel the need to make it an issue which apparently you do. Good luck with that.

Oh and maybe he was just diagnosed and she hasn't figured out how to cope with it? You don't know but you seem to want to judge her as odd.

SOunds like you are handling the alternative food options appropriately. Yes, it is odd the way the other mom chose to handle it, however, it is her stuff not yours. Perhaps she likes to be the center of attention, or have others feel sorry for herself, the unfortunate thing is she is setting her kid up to be the same way. So in your own way, wish her well, and let it go. Keep doing what you are doing to accommodate others without going too far out of your way. Check out this upcoming free online event: http://www.amotherstimeoutglobalgathering.com/

I hear a lot about this because not only does our school district deal with allergies, but we have a recent influx of kids that need halal food. Many of the parents gripe about this, because they can't bring pepperoni pizza for parties anymore. Just silly.
My cousin has 4 kids and one has allergies. She always packs descreat food and treat options for that child and I have always felt bad (that my cake wasn't ok for her). But the kid has always been fine with it. It's just her way of life! So, yes, making a show out of it (by announcing it) was over the top.

I think an adult has the choices to make for what their kids eat. But really, not letting a kid have cake at a birthday party? Why did she subject her child to the party at all?

Seriously! If you are "that" mom that wants your child to eat a special diet for no other reason that it's a choice then please, do everyone one a favor and decline the invitation and if you have a party for your own child please let everyone know it's going to be a special diet party so they can decline yours too.

I simply cannot imagine taking a kid to a party and not letting them eat cake. Good Grief! Stay at home!