Would it bother you found out that while you were at doctors appt your husbands ex wife and his daughter came over to visit his daughters Guinea pig and he never told you about it and you found out cuz the daughter told you few weeks later?? So a little more info. I have posted about his ex wife before. She has sent him text in recent months saying why he did not notice about her new hair cut, out was a kinda flirty text. Also there has been other stuff. She has never remarried, never dated and his daughter says her wedding ring is still on her mom night stand.. When i went to doctor that day I was gone for about hour and half. I texted my husband a few times throughout my visit. I had some med changes and called him as I was leaving doctors office and he never said anything about them coming by for a visit. Well last night he was at store and she out of blue said over Christmas break on her moms part of the vacation, her and her mom stopped by to visit her Guinea pig we have here for her. I said oh i don't remember you stopping by, she said nope you were not home it was only me my mom and dad. I said oh glad you were able to visit your Guinea pig. I asked my husband about out not in front of his kid and he said he just forgot to tell me. I am a sahm, so i am always home. I texted him throughout my doctors visit and called him when i left and not once did he mention they were at out house. To my knowledge they have never came by unless it was our days to have his daughter and they did not pullup and leave they came inside, and got out her Guinea pig to play with. He says it's a simple he forgot nothing more. I an not trying to let it bother me, and i have not brought out up since but would this bother you???
It would bother me because of a few things:
a. He chose that time when you were not home.
b. they didn't tell you
c. she is flirty already and can not be trusted
d. he forgot??? thats not something you forget---
Watch her and him like a hawk.
If you react with jealousy, maybe that's why they didn't tell you...
HE didn't tell you on purpose because he knew how upset that you would get. Honestly you sound a bit insecure if you are always trying to 'catch' him and always texting him yourself. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't then you probably need some kind of counseling with him to resolve so you both don't have to go on forever in an unstable relationship.
Do you normally text your husband multiple times in an hour and a half? That kind of keeping tabs would drive me insane. Perhaps he has to make up stories to get some time away from you. If you are always in touch, what is there left to talk about when you are together? Maybe if you leave him a little more alone time and trust him, then he will share with you more. Like the old saying: "set him free, if he comes back, he is yours, if he doesn't, he never was". or something like that.
You have received some really great advice so far and it does cover "both sides".
You need to trust your husband. If you do not trust him, you need to figure out why. You keep looking for something, one day you will find it.
He has a child with her. You are not going to get rid of her.
Get into marriage counseling.
I'm sorry - this is a messed up situation. I personally believe that you are looking for trouble. No. What would bother me is several texts in a short time frame. Seriously - are you in high school? Why not just take notes and tell him when you get home?
What I get from this is you don't trust your husband. So are "the other W."? Please understand I am NOT trying to be mean. But really - from where i am standing? You don't trust him and the only reason for that is because YOU were the one he cheated with. If that's not the case, I'm sorry. That's what is coming across to me.
I know my husband and trust him. SO WHAT if his ex-wife still has her wedding ring? She's not wearing it on her left hand. There are plenty of women out there keep their wedding rings and still wear them - even though their EX-husband has remarried.
You are making a mountain out of a mole hill....my ex-husband cheated on me...not once, not twice but multiple times. he was adept at lying. You are going to FORCE your husband to lie to you and NOT tell you stuff if you keep having HUGE INSECURITY FITS...STOP. Want it to change?
TRUST YOUR HUSBAND.
ASK HOW HIS DAY WAS/IS. DO NOT ACCUSE HIM.
Girl you need to get over this. You are going to single handedly ruin your marriage.
If you want to set boundaries - do.
DO NOT issue ultimatums. He made his choice. He CHOSE YOU.
This W. is ALWAYS going to be in your life - they have a child together. You knew this BEFORE you walked down the isle. You want to make her a problem - do. You will end up fighting over her. Is she worth the fight? Why not fight FOR your marriage and STOP being insecure?
You can't talk to your husband about this? Go to marriage counseling so you can express your insecurities and get them resolved!
Good luck.
Look, you either trust your husband or you don't.
They share a child, so his ex will ALWAYS be a part of his life.
Maybe he "forgot" to tell you about the guinea pig visit because he knew you'd get upset and read into it. I mean, the fact that you were texting him throughout your doctor's appointment sounds pretty strange, why the need for constant contact?
Don't be insecure and jealous, it's really immature and unattractive, and certainly the quickest way to make your husband shut down and turn away.
Focus on yourself and your relationship with him and stop worrying about petty stuff like where his ex wife keeps her wedding ring (at least she's not still wearing it!)
No. The way I see it, your step-daughter came by her house to play with her pet. That isn't exactly a visit. You sound jealous of the ex, and I can't see that there is an reason for it. Your husband's ex-wife is his EX-wife, but she does remain his co-parent. The healthiest thing for their child is for them to have at least a cordial relationship where they work together for the best interest of their child. Allowing their child to visit her own pet at her own home seems healthy for the child.
If your husband wanted to be with his ex-wife, he would be. He probably didn't forget that his daughter came by; he just didn't want to get grilled about his daughter coming by.
Besides all that, his daughter's visit occurred during her mother's parenting time. So, this was an opportunity for your husband to be able to see his daugher and perhaps spend extra time with her during a time when he had no other opportunity to do so. What kind of father wouldn't want to see his daughter when he had the opportunity to do so?
Here's what I heard you say.
I went to the doc and left hubby home alone. I texted him several times and even called him once, in only an hour and half.
It is obvious you have trust issues. In this situation I can see some of that.
Ask hubby if he wants her back. They did divorce for a reason. If he does then you have your answer and have some planning to do.
If he doesn't then she can dance around naked in front of him singing F*** ME F*** ME and he wouldn't take her up on it.
I think that if it were me and they stopped by I wouldn't say anything either, if I were a guy. But being a woman we'd know that the kiddo would eventually say something and spill the beans. Guys don't think like that.
I'm with Mamazita on this O..
You either trust him or you don't.
I do t know you. I don't know him.
I do know that if I have a doctors appointment, I know my husband is in complete control if our child s d house and I certainly don't call and/or text multiple times in 90 minutes!
His ex isn't leaving your life anytime soon.
She will have a connection for a long time . They share a child.
The relationship between them should be appropriate. You should try to have a good relationship as well with her.
How would you have reacted of he had told you?
Is the relationship appropriate?
Do you over react?
Do you trust him 100%?
Only you can answer those questions.
Added after your update: honey, you don't have trust issues, you don't have A trustworthy man! I'm sorry. No more babies! That would be IT for me. (Actually any O. of the situations you've discovered would have been enough for me.) Good luck.
You are either too emotionally insecure so he hid the visit from you to eliminate an accusatory conversation OR it was such a benign visit that he did completely forget about it.
You werent gone very long so it had to be an extremely short visit, right? Easy enough for a simple man to let vanish from his simple mind.
Does he freak out when you want to talk about things concerning the ex?
She's an ex for a reason, always remember that. You could be the next if you can't handle being a stepmom. He picked you for a reason, try to go back and remember what that reason was.
Sorry for the long answer! I talk/text with my ex not all the time, but often enough. Mostly it is about our daughter, but sometimes it might be perceived as "too friendly for exes". We've even had hour long conversations while she was at work. It means absolutely nothing. We had a close relationship. We know things about each other. That doesn't mean I still want him (No way! And I'm sure he feels the same!)
He has lived with his girlfriend for 8 years. They're not married but have 2 kids. I've been in their house many times. My daughter has invited me in to see something new in her bedroom. The gf wasn't home.
I personally think he didn't tell you because he knew exactly how you'd react. Some people have an easier time adapting to blended families than others. You can't control your husband or anyone else for that matter. You can only control yourself and how you react to situations. But without trust, you have nothing.
You are helping to raise someone elses child. Perhaps you should get to know his ex better for the kid's sake and it might ease your worries and allow you to feel more trust toward him. Otherwise he will continue to hide things from you because he doesn't want to deal with the aftermath.
i'm sorry, you may be insecure as some have said but i think you have reason to be. he doesn't find her past behavior inappropriate, never thought to put a stop to her calling him all the time until YOU said something? combined with everything, it's MY opinion that he hasn't let go, or isn't willing to shut her down. best case scenario he's being a wuss, not telling her BACK OFF - worst case? well you've already imagined worst case. yes, i think there are issues here. i would suggest counseling, as well. hopefully he is committed to your marriage enough to really make it work.
No it would not bother me if one of the kids wanted to drop by and see the cat with my ex, it would not bother my husband either.
Don't start trying to punish his daughter with your insecurities, nothing good will come from that.
He isn't mentioning it because you are very insecure. If my husband acted like you, well I would have never married him but I sure would hide it from him rather than hear the drama.
Just because his ex isn't over him doesn't mean he isn't over his ex. He married you! If you continue to find reasons to be insecure you are going to be the one driving him away. He is already hiding stuff from you, don't push him to be more deceptive.
They share a daughter together. That will never change. Don't allow your insecurities to rob her of the two people who mean the most to her.
If you two split up, would you keep your ring and still want to speak to him? How hard would it be for YOU to get over him? What if his new wife refused to let you visit unless she was there?
Sometimes the best way to deal with our own emotions is to look at it from the other person's point of view.
I"ve seen at least one of your earlier posts.
Please get counseling for yourself and your husband. You may be right to be suspicious OR you may be wrecking your own marriage with your constant suspicion. The fact that you texted him "throughout" a 90-minute doctor's appointment is pretty telling; why not wait to tell him things face to face at home afterward? Why the urge to give him a second-by-second update unless....your texting was more about having an electronic leash on him than about really conveying terribly urgent information that could not wait 90 minutes?
Yes, his ex does sound like a flirty pain but your reactions indicate you do not communicate well with your husband at all. Rather than sitting down and telling him "I'm worried, I feel insecure, I want to know where I stand in relation to her in your life, walk me through this and let's deal together," you are intent on "catchiing" him doing things.
As someone else noted, he probably did not tell you about this visit because he knew it would make you all jealous and angry. If that's why he didn't tell you -- then you are driving him to hide things and that is not good on your part or on his part, which is why you both need counseling together, now.
The visit, by the way, which sounds unplanned, as if they just showed up --how could he help that? Should he have slammed the door in their faces because you weren't home? Or do you also suspect this was some kind of planned thing and you weren't aware? I suspect that you suspect the latter because you are so very suspicious. As for those "girls" from work texting him at night: That means nothing unless you put it in context. My husband gets e-mails at night and reads them and I know they're about work. You seem to be actively searching for things to be wrong and almost eager to catch him cheating. And...these women were texting him TWO years ago and you're still bringing it up? You're keeping tabs to build a mental file of all his "wrongs" when you have zero real evidence. And that's probably why he doesn't tell you every time his ex calls -- he knows it will go into his "file" with you and he'll hear about it, even years later.
Please get couples counseliing or your marriage is going to be over.
And what is on the ex's night stand is no business of yours. None. You are making it your business, which means you spend way too much time focused on this ex. If she has issues letting go, those are her issues, not yours.
ETA: I see your update. Basically, this isn't about her or the guinea pig so much as you simply don't trust him. So if you don't trust him, you can do a couple of things - stay, and learn to trust him or stay and be paranoid about his interactions (including this woman with whom he has a child and must interact with) or go and find someone you do trust. If he won't go to counseling you can go by yourself to get a better handle on the situation, regardless of what steps you took. Frankly, what kind of a relationship do you have if there is no trust and no willingness to work on it?
_____________________________________
I would talk to him further about boundaries in your home and what you feel is appropriate and why and vice versa. I used to have my DH's ex making herself at home in his (then later our) home. Used our dishes, left trash, pulled out our board games to "wait out traffic" when neither of us was home. If your DH was home to supervise, that's one thing (even if you were away) but if she lingered when she was just doing a pickup, that's another.
No matter how flirty SHE is, you only worry about his reaction to it. She could be anybody and you either trust HIM or you don't. My DH said his ex used to wear this one dress she obviously thought was super sexy, til he joked that it reminded him a of a particular cartoon character. She never wore it over again. I was never worried about HIM wanting HER back. But I didn't trust her not to snoop, and that was hard for DH because he saw it as "the kids have a guest/it's easier this way". Wasn't til one of his coworkers reacted strongly in my favor that he realized he wasn't looking at it from my POV and took steps to stop the pit stops in our home.
If the issue is that you want to know when she is there, especially longer than a pick up or drop off, then ask him that, and only if you really think it's important. And if you think it IS important, why? Because of her or him?
My DH allowed his ex to see SD's room when she repainted. The ex forgot what room was SD's and went into SD's old room (which had become the nursery) and he says she recoiled. So sometimes, joke's on them.
And I used to get really irked about a lot of things I no longer get riled about. Some of it is that I now feel heard, some things changed and some things are truly small potatoes. I just had to get to that point of understanding. So think about what is a hill to die on and what isn't and go from there. And hard as it is, try to separate the child from the mother's behavior. Was it an issue because SHE wanted to see the guinea pig or because the child wanted to see the guinea pig?
Maybe he feels bad for her for the way their marriage ended. Don't you?
Lies of any size are never okay in a Marriage.
I would wonder how she knew to come by the one hour you were gone? but if this has been the only instance I would try to let it go.
Until I got to the bottom of your post, my answer in my head was different. However, reading the end of it, boy, I'm sorry, Mom. I don't trust your husband.
You two need to go to marriage counseling. He needs to be in front of someone else and explain himself here.
Dawn
In and of itself, no it probably would not bother me...but when you add in all the other factors (I remember your others post about her asking him what he thought of her hair and way he didn't notice) yes, this whole situation would bother me. I think it is fairly obvious that the EX is not over your husband and probably wants him back.
You don't trust your husband. You already believe he is or has been a cheater. But you're asking about whether or not a visit from his daughter that he neglected to mention because it happened to include his ex-wife would bother us in the same situation.
::sigh::
When you're married to a cheating cheater who cheats and lies, then yes it would bother me. Any lies, including lies of omission, especially knowing that lies and lies of omission regarding a particular former spouse were of a touchy subject to my current spouse, would be of particular interest and upset.
YEP, after reading your posts about the ex, I would be bothered. Especially if they called first and knew you were not home.
The exwife is coming over when you're not there. Your husband is not only okay with it, but doesn't tell you about it. There are also texts from other girls and made up stories. He doesn't want to go to counseling.
Hon, unless something miraculously changes your marriage is on the downward spiral to divorce town. Start getting tour affairs in order and find a job.
Honestly yes, that would bother me. Why wouldn't he have mentioned it?
i could not be married to someone i trusted so little.
khairete
S.
i would say he's done with marriage and is looking elsewhere. harsh but how else can you explain his behavior? also, why are you putting up with all this? if you are waiting for him to change, he is not going to.
