Worse Lie My 10Y/o Told

How about not punishing him. Just spend some time with him. 20 minutes of just you-and-him time, every day. See what happens.

He's been fooling you, Doctors, Psychs, Schools, etc for 4 years??? Doubtful. Put punishment aside and get to the root of the problem.

Please take a very deep breath. You are assuming that what he is saying, when he "admits" there have been no voices, is the truth.

The lie here may actually be when he says, "I was lying."

He may indeed have heard voices in the past, or be hearing them now, and possibly now he is trying to convince you, doctors, teachers that he is "normal" -- when he is still hearing voices.

I am troubled: Why didn't it occur to you yet that you cannot just assume he is telling the truth when he says he never hears or heard voices? On some level are you hoping that this all was indeed a long lie and he's "normal" after all?

He is old enough to be fully aware that he could be in a regular school, doing regular activities, treated like a regular kid. He's old enough to be sick of years and years of treatment. So he may be experiencing the voices but now may feel a strong reason to start saying, "Nope, no voices, never were, now get me away from these other kids and into a regular school and stop seeing me as sick."

If he is telling the truth instead and has actually kept up a lie like this for four years -- that indicates he is very good at manipulating adults, and that is a serious problem in itself and requires more, not less, therapy for him. His need for attention sounds so intense, if he has been lying about the voices, that he still needs therapy.

The post seems to show you as assuming that "appropriate punishment" is needed right now when you don't have the facts yet. It's also troubling that you are concerned about "what will happen when I bring this up to his therapist" -- it sounds as if you're scared the therapist will somehow be angry with him or with you--? Why? A therapist would see it as a breakthrough if a patient admitted to that kind of lie.

If he has truly lied and never heard voices -- he still is a very troubled kid who needs therapy, because he was THAT desperate for attention for so long. Please focus first on that, and on getting some additional help to weed out the truth here.

It seems very, very unlikely that any child could maintain a four-year lie like this. That's why I question whether the lie is "I didn't hear anything." But if he truly did not -- and you cannot answer that without more tests and therapy -- then he still needs a lot of help, not a parent who is rushing to figure out a punishment. See what the therapist says and don't be afraid to push for more intensive therapy to find out how a child this age kept up such a huge, life-changing lie for so long -- OR why a child is trying to make you believe there are no hallucinations, if they really are happening.

I'm going the opposite direction than any other responses I have seen. Did it ever occur to you that your was was/is hearing voices but has just realized that his admitting to that is what's keeping him in a school with others who have severe mental illness. Like you say, he's smart. He knows what he has to say and what he has to get you to believe in order to get out of there and be treated like any other 10 year old. I just don't happen to think a 6 year old 1) can/would make up "hearing voices" that is just so far out of the realm of what a normal 6 year old would think up; and 2) pull the wool over so many trained professionals' eyes for four solid years.

Rather than punishing him, I would tell him that you are proud of him for coming clean.

Sit down, and have a long (boring, but not angry) conversation with him about the seriousness of what he did... Then end it by telling him that you are proud that he told you he truth, and that you hope he will be more honest in the future before his lies progress to such a degree. I understand why you feel he needs to be punished-he did a big bad thing-but all punishing him at this point will do is to make him regret telling you... Not a desirable result.

4 years is a LONG time for such a young kid to perpetuate a lie like this... A LONG time. He must have been pretty desperate for attention. Reading back, you had a post about how you suspected he was faking stomach pains before, so this isn't that unusual of behavior for him. (If they never found anything actually wrong with him then...) It seems like the only way he feels he can get attention is if he has something medically wrong with him-which makes sense if he has a sister with medical issues. I think the best thing you can do for him is to move him to a regular school ASAP, and make sure that you set time aside for HIM. Find ways to make him feel important and needed.

Your son is not a ward of the state, correct? You CAN pull him out of the school and get him in a "normal" school.

Your son needs counseling and help. Please do NOT ignore that fact. For him to carry on for several YEARS and "fool" doctors? he's either fooling you or really freaking good.

What punishment? Sorry. Wouldn't know what kind of punishment to give him. He's lost my trust - that should scare the living bejesus out of him. He's coming clean. Good start. But sorry, dude, you've lost my trust and now you need to figure out how you are going to EARN it back.

Hire a tutor to get your son up to speed.
Change doctor's. Start fresh.
Find a REALLY good child psychologist that will NOT be bamboozled by him and only give meds but will give him THERAPY - NOT MEDICINAL THERAPY BUT THERAPY.

Then your family needs counseling. I'm sorry that your daughter is disabled to the point she needs to be tube fed. You need to give your son attention and figure out how to balance everything out.

Good luck!

I know all you must want to believe right now is that your son is healthy, but please don't be too soon to jump to conclusions. And don't let the other moms on this site help you do that. They are responding to you after reading very limited information about your son's history and his interactions with his doctors. Let your doctors make the diagnosis, and if you don't trust them, get a second opinion. But...

I agree with Leigh R. I find it very difficult to believe doctors would medicate a 6yr.old and put him in a special "hospital based" school just because he "told" them he was hearing voices. They make their diagnose based on much more than a 6 yr. saying he hears voices, and unless you had your 6 yr. old watching some freaky movies and you read some freaky bed-time stories to him, I just can't imagine where he would have gotten all the material he would have needed for such an elaborate lie. I also find it difficult to believe a 6-10 yr.old could continue to fool psychiatrists for the next 4 yrs. Your son may be intelligent, but these are trained psychiatrists, and your son was only 6 at the time, not 16. 6 yr. olds just aren't that good at lying, not so much that they could fool a team of psychiatrists into such a drastic 4 yr. year treatment plan. Psychiatrists are trained to know when people are lying, especially one with little lying experience (like a 6 yr. old). Re-read what Leigh R. said.

oh, my heart breaks for this poor little guy.
he took desperate measures because he was feeling lost and left out, and now he's in the wrong school and his mother is looking for ways to punish him even more.
any kid who can successfully pretend to hallucinate for 4 straight years, and has doctors who are skeptical but medicate anyway, needs a lot of love and support. i hope he can find someone in his life who will give it to him.
khairete
S.

I question his saying he was lying. If he were lying professional people working with him would know that. No one could consistently lie and conform his behavior consistently for 4 years. I suggest he doesn't like where he is and wants out. I urge you to talk with his psychiatrist before you accept his confession.

If the psychiatrist agrees that he could've been lying your son still has a serious disorder. He and you will need professional help to sort this out.

A normal kid would not lie for 4 years and go thru what he's been thru just to get more attention. You've described giving him plenty of attention. Something is going on.

You are the parent and you can pull him out of anywhere you want as long as he's not considered a threat to himself or others. Get him out of there.

Why would he do such a thing? Becuase he was 6, wanted attention and saw some cartoon or TV show with a character "hearing voices" and thought it was a good idea. He was 6 when it began and then he just didn't know how to stop it. Think of all the adults out there who ran ponzi schemes - they didn't know how to stop it once it got started.

He's still a little boy. He's only been on the earth 10 years.

Tell the counselors and doctors right away. What kind of doctors believes a child who says he's instantly better after taking a pill? Perhaps the docs were skeptical and only giving him placebos?

In any event - while he needs to somehow make some kind of "restitution" for his monumental lies - I think more than anything he needs love and attention. At 10 he's beginning to develop skills, talents, preferences, etc. Figure out what they are and help him go for it. sports, music, art, karate, computers?

Ask him what he thinks is the right discipline for not telling you the truth for the last 4 years. Be honest with him - tell him how much you love him and taht you wish you had been able to spend more time with since his sister was born, and that you wish you could go back and do thing differently - but that all you both can do is go forward. Tell him that you're glad you told you the truth and how you're going to work on things together now.

Think up some options of what would be appropriate disciplinary actions: volunteering at a food pantry, doing yard work for an elderly neighbor, doing housework at home for a period of time (come up with a formula like 2 weeks for each year of not telilng the truth?) Before you discuss the disciplinary actions you've thought up ask what he thinks would be appropriate. Often times kids are tougher on themselves than we are. then tell him the options you've thought of and work together to come up with a plan to work off his story-telling years. Stick to it.

Then find a new counselor for him to work with. The one that he's been working with don't seem all that great to me...

What Leigh R. said. Either way, punishment makes no sense here. He needs help either because he is still hearing voices and just doesn't want to deal with it any more/just wants to be a "normal" kid, or he needs help because he's so in need of attention that he's gone through years of tests, medications, etc.

Therapist - he needs to feel safe so you can all figure out what's going on for him. You may want to look into therapy for yourself if you don't have it, because you may be overwhelmed with stress. You are seeing him only as a "problem" and not as a child - and that's a big part of the issue.

It's pretty darn hard for a 6 year old to understand that they don't get attention because someone is sick. Heck, adults get pissed off about being "second" in a situation like this. You can't expect a child to "get over" the jealousy of basically losing their parents' attention to a sick sibling. They need support to do that. Don't "blame" him for this. He needs you. He always has.

Kids lie for many reasons. There is lots of good research that helps us understand; google “children lying” for explanations and suggestions for handling the situation.

Considering that this is a very abrupt change from what your son has been telling you for years, he may or may not be telling you the truth. If it is the truth, it could be important for future truth-telling to not come down on him too hard. His counselor, if any good, can probably help guide both of you to a sensible decision (or more likely, a series of changes over coming days or months).

While there is a possibility that he has gotten better or matured to a degree that he’s now feeling able to take care of more of his own needs for attention, it seems to me that your son is, at the very least, emotionally troubled. Whether he has been hearing voices but wants to change his circumstances, and is therefore lying now, or whether his story for so many years was/is true, I doubt that it will be a good idea to abruptly change his schooling or other daily activities. If he has been lying and is now expecting to change things, a slow change is the most natural of consequences. You will not have to be the heavy parent laying on the punishment; he will have brought that on himself.

And if he is actually still experiencing the voices he claims to have heard, he will still be under appropriate medical care while you are sorting out what’s true and what’s not.

If he is truly not hearing voices I would angry with the psychiatrists who put him on psychotropic drugs to "see if anything happened" when they suspected other causes unrelated to mental illness.

I agree that you need a new psychiatrist as soon as possible. Try not to be too angry at your son, but be proud of him for coming clean about such a huge secret. I can see how this would spiral out of control for a child, and then just fester. It must have taken a huge amount of courage for him to tell you the truth.

Its an extremely creative lie for a 6 year old to think up and then to carry on for 4 years every day. So yes, you do have other problems to worry about.

It could be that he's still haveng the hallucinations but now that he's older he doesn't like being labeled as "special needs" and in a special class. He's on his meds so its better and he wants to go to the regular school and is lying when he's telling you he's really been fine the whole time.

IF we was truly lying the first time you could have a serious problem on your hands. His ability to lie for so long is frightening and could indicate serious physhosis. Im glad he's regretful because if he wasn't it would be really scary.

Tell him how happy you are to hear "the truth" and try to casually find out why he's telling you now and not a year ago or a week ago? What finally made him decide to say something?

Oh for heavens sake. WHY are you talking about punishment? This is one mixed up kid. And you want to punish him?

I can't get over this post. "We" are stuck with him going to a school with kids with severe mental illness? WE? HE is stuck. NOT you. Stop being angry at this child and accept that you've screwed up. Get a family attorney and talk to him about getting this child out of the current school if you can't take him out yourself.

If you do get him in a regular school, he's going to have a hard time coping. He has been trying to manufacture an illness like his sibling has and has doctors experimenting on him with meds that have really affected him. He has not had a normal childhood. YOU don't treat him normally. It's obvious from all that you've written. And now you want to PUNISH him????

I can't get over this. For God's sake, get family counseling. You need it.

IF the doctors agree that he doesn't need medication:

It seems to me that he told you why he did it, so I don't think you need to go looking for "why" he did it. He did it to get attention, that's what he told you. And you believe that he doesn't hear voices.

Some kids need A LOT of attention. You think you are giving them attention, and they want more. Since he thinks that everyone "went crazy" over the baby, ask him what that looks like to him, and ask him what exactly he wants you to do differently with him. Sometimes what we think is "attention" to our children feels very different to them.

I don't think punishment is appropriate for this. Work with the doctors to wean him off the meds., and talk to your son about what you can do with him to fill his need of getting more attention.

p.s. - You talk about a 'male mentor' -- so he doesn't have a father in the picture? And your baby has a bio dad? So maybe the "attention" he is seeking is from the male in the household.

Please continue to speak with and love on your son physically. He may crave the loss of the touch/feeling he got before everything happened with his sister.

I say this as I have a co-worker whose brother had an illness and he felt "pushed" aside and never really developed people skills beyond a five year old and he is like 60. He is brilliant in what he does but has no filter or people skills in settings where you need to be a management. It is hell to be around him especially when things don't go his way and he pouts.

You have a chance please work on it. Take time to just sit in the dirt and dust with him and no one else around. Let dad or a babysitter spend time with sister. Somehow he feels replaced and this is how he coped. Give him better tools to cope with life.

My heart goes out to both of you. Check with the therapists and everyone else for help. Get some counseling for yourself if need be. You are important to both children.

I would not punish him for speaking the truth. He has had punishment all on his own for what he has done for the past years.

the other S.

Congrats that your boy is not actually hallucinating, and is clever enough to have come up and kept up this deception, and has a strong enough mom to handle his supposed needs in addition to those of your daughter. Seems like you've got a lot to unravell and set right. Punishment, if any can wait. It took a lot of guts for your boy to come clean. You might want to deter that with punishment right now.

Best,
F. B.

I don't understand why he is stuck at this school. If you know the problem doesn't exist, can't you find a new school placement for him. I don't know what you can do other than thank him for being honest. Reacting would probably give him the attention he is craving. Talk to his therapist and he can help develop a plan. This was an elaborate lie. Are you sure he isn't manipulating you now? A friend of mine had crazy lies when she was younger. When she was finally diagnosed and medicated for bipolar it helped her a lot. Maybe you need an evaluation and proper diagnosis.

As disappointing as this is, the silver lining is that he feels secure enough that he confessed to this. Think of how big a decision that was for him, and how much he must have weighed the pros and cons back and forth before finally deciding to come clean to you - his moral compass is working, and you should be proud of him for telling you and pat yourself on the back for creating an environment where he knew that he could trust you with the truth.

All that said, I don't think punishment is in order, and he told you why he did it, which was for attention. No matter what you are giving him for attention, he clearly felt that he wasn't getting enough. Rather than argue with him about that, I would use this as a chance to ask him what would enough attention look like to him? What would it feel like? If his requests are in reason (I want to ride bikes with you after dinner, I want to go to the arcade with dad, etc.) then see what you can do to make them happen.

If he no longer requires the special school then take steps to terminate his outplacement and have him matriculate back into regular school.

I know that you're shocked and disappointed, but try to focus on the positives, which are that your son told the truth and that there is actually nothing wrong with him and you don't have to worry about medication, doctors, or a special school setting anymore. Forgive him and move forward.

I agree with Cheryl B: how could he have fooled all the professionals for years?? Perhaps now he is lying.
Either way, you should always be honest with a therapist and doctors, so I would definitely cal them/make appointment. It might be a good idea to talk to them without him present first. You can then come up with an approach to figure out what is really going on.
I also agree with other posts that you can always pull him out of any school. The district is still responsible for educating him.
I would not punish him but try to find out why he lied either before or now.

Wow, he certainly was clever to fool everyone. Gee!

I know people probably try to hide actual problems from the mental health community with limited success, but he did the opposite.

I would stop all drugs and put him in a regular school right away.
He is 10. You can explain to him the side effects of such drugs when they are not actually needed. This is serious business. Our neighbor actually heard voices and killed himself when he was a teen. But they also say the drugs up suicide risk. So, I'd be stopping all drugs immediately if they are not needed.