Worry, Worry, Worry

It sounds like you've gone beyond normal levels and worrying, Mama. After all you've been through, I totally understand why you would be constantly trying to brace for "what's next." My advice is to look for a counselor who specializes in pregnancy and baby loss. She may have techniques and coping skills to help you through this tough time. Big hugs.

You are a parent.you have a little boy that wants to be independent! Yea!

Allow him to experience some falls, scrapes and bumps. It will teach him pretty quickly what he can do and not do.all of this is normal development.

You have good reasons to be anxious and worry, but it sounds like you have done an amazing job of getting through all of this. Your son is very fortunate to have you there for him.

Now that you have gotten all of this help for your son, go and get help for yourself.

Speak with a therapist to make sure you are in the average mom mode of anxiety. If it has gotten too far, this expert can help you with some coping skills or maybe even some anti anxiety medication to help readjust your hormones. It is not forever, but it will allow you to be your best. Do this for your son, but do it for yourself, you deserve to be balanced.

you simply have to find the Faith within yourself to allow yourself (& your child) to live in this world.

spoken by a Mom who's miscarried, lost a beloved daughter to heart surgery, has a son with a permanent physical disability, & another son who's untreated ADD.

Faith, to continue on our journey....while appreciating our Blessings. :)

Okay... realize at least HALF of this is being hypervigilant following hospital stuff. As a hospital mom you get in the mode of CONSTANTLY monitoring your child. Their color, breathrate, o2 sats, heartrate, tone of voice, body motions, general mood, cognitive function, etc. When you're doing homecare, it's even more pronounced. In the hospital you have nursing staff and monitors to 'relax' with. Get some sleep knowing that you will get woken up if anything is off and that there are capable adults either constantly monitoring (nicu/picu), or doing vitals every 30-60 minutes. But once you go home... it's you, and only you... 24/7.

That doesn't go away for a LONG time.

In part... because it pays off/works. That hypervigilence gets you to the ER 'early' before things go so far south that they can't be pulled up from. It's that constant voice that says "Heparin = NO cuts!!!" or "PICC = sealing completely before any water source" (even clean water like a shower, much less microbe contaminated pool/lake/river/ocean water)... so it nips life threatening problems in the bud often on a MINUTE BY MINUTE basis. So it's lifesaving, and lifesaving... both in prevention and in fast acute care.

It REALLY doesn't go away for LONG time.

We're a year out from major stuff, but we're still in and out of the ER from time to time. (I remember my first "quiet" week VERY distinctly, because I got hysterical laughter from it and actually had to be sedated.) That week we'd only been to the ER 3 times, AND had gotten to go home each time, instead of it being an instant admittance to the hospital or PICU.

That hypervigilence? Still there.

I just fake it that it's not.

Why?

Well aside from looking/feeling like the 'crazy mom'... it would make my son afraid of living a normal life... which he's totally capable of at this point. So as long as he is in the same zipcode (or awake) I keep it together and smile and laugh and send him off to do normal stuff. Then I quietly breakdown after he's in someone else's care or dead asleep.

((For moms who haven't done the hospital-mom thing...it's similar to the first day of kindergarten, but EVERY durn day. Ya keep it together for your kids, then go break down in private.))

From everyone I've ever talked to who has done the hospital-mom thing... it typically takes a couple of YEARS to actually relax. But then, the moment you get a relapse, just minutes to go back into constant monitor mode.

((Rather ironically... constant-monitor-mode is actually kind of calming... when there's actual NEED for it. It's once they get 'better' and you're just chasing your tail that you start feeling like you're going off the deep end.))

Okay... so the other half... that's "just" normal parent worry. Everyone gets it, and most of us just fake that we don't or get to a point (through repeated exposure) where it honestly doesn't worry us anymore. Typically by age 5/6 normal parent worry has toned down to manageable proportions.

Add in hypervigilence + normal parental worry though? That can need counseling and or meds to kickstart normal. Situation based anxiety disorders are REALLY common following trauma (aka PTSD), especially longterm trauma like doing the hospital mom thing.

Obviously, parents who lose their kids need grief counseling... but parents whose kids survive often need MAD support. Especially if you don't have 1-2 shifts of home nursing care and are doing it all on your own.

This is all VERY normal, and VERY hard. You can totally do this... you just might need a little bit of help. I've already done PTSD counseling, but on top of already knowing how to cope with those things, I have a small bottle of emergency-calm. I've had it for a year, no refills, because this isn't my first rodeo. It's just take as needed, which for me will be 2 or 3 days every couple months. and then I'm fine. Or a half pill stomp. Other parents I know go onto antianxiety meds full time for a few months, and then taper off to "stomp when needed".

The brain is a funny thing... yours got used to running a full cycle... and now its trying to keep up that level of stress, even though you don't need it anymore. Hence the panic attacks. Counseling &/or meds will speed up the process a LOT.

But it still takes several years, and that's IF you're working on it.

Worry is natural, and your child's health situations certainly make it even more natural for you to react that way. However, you might need to develop some new ways to respond to the worry feeling, because your child is becoming more independent, and inevitably there will be more falls. If you are indeed having panic attacks, not sleeping, and feeling obsessed with the dark/sad things in the world, it probably is time to check in with a counselor or professional of your choice.

I also wonder about the running into the lot and jumping off things (I'm sure he has been told not to do those things). Does he gets a big reaction when he does it, and is he maybe enjoying your reaction? Or might it be trying for more independence? I'm not saying he should be allowed to do anything he chooses, just that you may need to adjust how you respond so the boundaries are calmly established, yet he also can explore the world more. [Example: he runs off in the lot, he gets CALMLY taken back home and misses the trip to the zoo because Mama has to be able to trust that he will follow the safety rules and he didn't. Easier said than done, I know.] If he wants to jump, find a place where he can jump safely, like a bouncy place. Anyway, good luck!

LOL I do that... I worry. My hubbs picks on me and says I need a bubble to put him in... hmmm might be a good idea :) I have had to learn to let go and let him be a boy. Let yourself be there to watch him and pick him up whenever he falls.

LOL even my son (4) tells me 'don't worry mommy, I'll be ok' HAH!

My husband is the balance for us. He is laid back and lets me know whenever I'm being a little too outrageous. So I become aware of it and back off. It's working well and provides a wonderful balance and example for our son.

WE all worry, but we also know when to put ourselves in check, take a deep breath and realize that irrational fears are just that, irrational. Don't cripple yourself with worry; worry is deadly and is generally for not.
You cannot predict the future, you can sort of protect your current reality but that's about it.

Straight up, as a result of my childhood and then a severe medical trauma a few years ago, I battle mild to moderate anxiety all the time and even fall into relapses of panic attacks. I understand where you are coming from.
You do need help, because over time your physical health can severely decline if you don't get this under control. And you can suddenly find yourself in a really bad spot. I did. I ended up in the hospital, after weeks of no sleep and panic attacks.

The best thing is to find a really good therapist that does cognitive behavioral therapy. And if by any chance you are a Christian, find one who is a Christian. You can NOT leave God out of this healing equation.
But I also have medication on hand if panic attacks strike, because the medication can stop that cycle cold, which is what I need. I will literally be incapacitated for days with panic attacks if I don't take the medication for a couple days to stop the cycle. The medication I have for emergencies is called Klonopin, which is in the same family as Valium and Xanax. Some people have different preferences for which one they like to take. Xanax works the fastest, but can be very dangerous and addictive if taken too often. Klonopin is still dangerous and can be addicitive, but it has a slow "up" and slow "down" time, and I take the smallest does possible, and it works great for me. In other words, it's a lot less harsh than some of the other ones and can be taken in small doses controlled by you and a pill cutter :)

But if you want to just kind of keep things at bay, period, doctors will recommend an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant for an extended period of time, like Lexapro or Prozac.
If you can avoid this, I would stay away, because there are lots of side effects. But I haven't had luck with so called "natural" supplements, and I don't know anyone else who has either.
Antidepressants tend to actually increase anxiety the first few weeks until your body gets used to them, and you have to take something like Klonopin with it the first few weeks to counter that side effect, super weird and seems counterproductive. But once your body gets used to them, you really do stop having panic attacks. It's like your brain won't let you, so they really do work. But as I mentioned, there ARE side effects, and also you not only don't have panic attacks, but you also lose the ability to really feel happy or sad, everything is just a bit muted, like I didn't get really excited about things anymore and I couldn't cry at things that would normally make me cry, really bizarre. So really it's not ideal to be on antidepressants if you can avoid them.
Which is why I recommend the cognitive behavioral therapy first.

Your situation sounds like you are starting to head down a slippery slope, so please get some therapy for your sake, your husbands sake, and your kids sake. They need a healthy wife and mom.

Hi J.,
I think you've experienced more challenging health issues with your child than a lot of moms and for that I think your senses are definitely more heightened by it and you are rightly cautious! So it's no wonder that you're worrying more and it's affecting you. That being said, splitting a lip is just an accident and yes, a small thing and there will be many, many more small injuries as your child grows up. Have you considered talking to your doctor about the panic attacks? I think that is what I would do. Maybe you need to see a professional to bounce some things around that have been weighing on your mind. Shake up your perspective a little. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Stop watching the news!!! It dramatizes the bad thigs that happen, and ignores the fact that there are oodles more kids not haveing problems accidents etc.

When it does happen to me, usually only when my daughter is away from me, I try to recognize the irrationality for what it is, and then I say a prayer. I realized that connecting with God is not everyone's way, but for me it helps me deal with things.

I will say a prayer for you. GOd Bless!

Sounds like you've got a delightful toddler who is full of spunk, energy, and independence despite some early health problems. While he might try your patience and your resolve more than a wallflower count your blessings, and take a deep breath. If your worry is getting in the way of daily living (and SLEEP is an important task of daily living), some professional help might be in order.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Hey there!
I am not surprised that you are worrying. It is a "habit" you learned with so many things going wrong recently. How could you not?
However, I think that you can work on it. You can teach yourself to relax again and to let go. When I get nervous and stressed (for different reasons, but the feeling is probably similar), I listen to this monk Ajahn Brahm. My brother sent me a link when I wasn't well a few years back, and I often go back and listen. Even when I feel fine I put one of his talks on, laugh at his jokes, and regain perspective.
He is a buddhist monk, but people from all religions listen to him and like him. It is really for everyone, so if you are christian, or atheist, or anything else, it will not violate your personal beliefs.
Please try! I hope it gives you a sense of calm.
Main Page: http://www.dhammaloka.org.au/
Go to downloads, and on the right his name: Ajahn Bramavaso
Or just google him. You can add "fear" to your search. He has a couple of very good talks on fear, and also on parenting.
Hope you feel better soon.

We all worry, we just don't let ourselves become consumed by the worry. Do yourself a favor and turn off the news and quit watching news documentaries.

As your son gets older, he will want and need to do more things on his own. About 3 is when they really start wanting to do it all - you have to compromise with him. There are some things you should allow him to do while others you will still need to do for him. You can't keep him from growing up; you just have to keep your worries in check. I know, easier said than done but if you do give him a bit more independence, you will probably be surprised by all the stuff he really can do by himself. Stay close, but don't hover!

You have a child it's normal for Moms to worrry. But learn to let go a little, decide what is important and what is not important. Parking lots -- big thing. Honey you have to hold my hand in parking lots and when crossing the street. At a park -- somewhat small thing let him run ahead a little and get to the swings first. Teach him to walk wide around them and explain that kids get hit if they get to close. Think about your day to day activities and decide where he can be a little bit independent and where he has to follow the rules.

I do recommend counseling. Talking things out with someone who can help you come to terms with the loss of your twins and your (sometimes) needless worry about your little guy will help a lot.

It's normal to stress over kids. I had no idea I would worry as much as I do, but we live in a crazy world....and our kids are so precious.

It sounds like your adrenals can't handle much more. Go look up adrenal exhaustion. I used Drenamin from Standard Process. Works AMAZINGLY. My BF who has been a nurse for 40 years stopped taking Xanax for her panic attacks and now just uses Drenamin. It's all glandular and whole food based. She'll start the day with maybe 5 of the tiny tablets and increase it depending on how her day is going. She used to have such bad panic attacks that she'd have to pull off the freeway and cut her bra off because she felt like she was suffocating. I took 10 Drenamin in grad school instead of drinking coffee. I was pregnant, finishing up grad school, and in a marriage I wasn't sure I wanted to be in - talk about stress! The child I was pregnant with is the most calm (he's still a boy) and emotionally balanced kid I know.

Also, check into NeuroEmotional Techinique (NET) or EFT. With EFT, you can help yourself with emotional stuff. It's pretty cool.