Worried About Shy Daughter

My daughter is also very shy - so shy that I actually consulted a child psychologist for some tips about helping her break out of her shell. I would be happy to share some ideas if you'd like to send me a private message, but, on a hopeful note, the vast majority of kids grow out of this extreme shyness on their own and it probably makes you more upset than it makes her. Feel free to message me privately (there's just a lot of stuff!)

I think it is good that you do help your shy daughter negotiate conflict at this time. She may not have the words, nor the confidence to do so herself right now. Also, she may be too anxious to help herself in such conflicts at this time. When you are alone with her, perhaps you can give her the words to use when another child takes her toys.
When you say she is very shy and in your 'gut you worry about her' does she eventually warm up and speak in daycare. Have you asked her daycare teachers if she speaks there to them and to the other children? Does she initiate speaking to them -- will she tell them about her day and if she has gone on a fun family outing with you or will she just answer their questions? Does she speak to others out in public or just to family members she knows well? Does she speak out loud or in a whisper?

Hi J.,
Our first daughter was very very shy. When she was 2 years old we put her in a toddler preschool for three mornings a week. She was very similar to the way that you describe your daughter. This past year she was in a 3 year old traditional preschool for the first few months she was terribly shy still and the teachers even asked me in the beginning if she talked at all (she was an early talker and doesn't stop talking at home - so this almost made me laugh!) by the middle of the school year she was totally and completely changed... she started talking to teachers and the other kids at school, she talked during circle time, she asked for playdates, she got more daring at the playground and would actively ask to play with other kids there. It was an amazing and wonderful thing to watch her blossom. My advice to you is to continue to support and love your daugher the way that you are doing now. She still is asking for comfort from you and I fully believe that is the best thing you can do for her. She will come in to her own when she is ready. She may always be more shy (my first daughter will never be an extrovert). Enjoy her sweet nature - I think it's very common with first borns! Our second is a wild child and the opposite of the first... I can hardly keep up with her! We'll see about our newborn son!
Hope this helps!
C.

With regard to other kids taking toys, I am surprised that the other parents don't make their kids return the toys. Nonetheless, when I'm in situations where I feel like a parent needs to get involved and other parents are either not around or not stepping in, I almost always step in myself. I figure that I would want someone else to tell my kid to give the toy back, not to hit, to share, etc. if I weren't there to do it. I want my kids to learn that the rules apply even when Mommy isn't watching. I do not in fact know whether other parents approve of my intervention, but I guess I've decided that I don't care that much (although I always feel awkward about instructing someone else's kids) because ultimately I want my own children to learn the rules. At such a young age, I don't think it's fair to expect kids to always be able to stick up for themselves or negotiate situations, so I wouldn't worry about teaching your daughter to depend on you too much right now (when she gets a little older, though, I do think she will need to learn how to take over herself if it hasn't happened naturally). For example, I have taught my 3-year-old to say "excuse me" when he wants to get by another child (say, when they are playing around a train table) instead of pushing his way through, and he's very good about that now. But the other child usually doesn't pay any attention and doesn't move. I don't want my son to conclude that pushing is more effective than saying "excuse me," so as soon as he says it I intervene to ask the other child to please let him by (except in rare circumstances when the child does actually move).

As for the shyness, my 3-year-old is nervous about social situations as well, and I was also a shy kid. I do not have him in daycare or preschool, but I do try to take him to library story times, gym class, and things like that. Gym class in particular has really boosted his self-confidence (we use The Little Gym, but I am sure it totally depends on the instructors). If you decide to take your daughter out of daycare, you can probably find activities (free and otherwise) through local libraries, rec departments, or parents groups to allow you to give her social experience.

Good luck!

Hi J.,
I feel for you! My daughter was extememly shy too! We would go to a birthday party and she wouldn't participate at all, hiding behind me. Then, she would warm up just as it was over! It is one of the hardest things because you just want them to have fun! As for how to deal with it. I found out, you just have to accept it. Once you do, there's less stress for you and her. If you do decide to stay home when your little one is born, there are playgroups you could join, or check your local library for programs so she will still be around her peers.

As for kids taking the toys away, I would definitely keep doing what you are doing! You are teaching her that it is not ok for other kids to do that. Eventually she will stick up for herself. It may take awhile and it may start with someone she is really comfortable with, but it will come. I've learned you come to a point where you have to do what is right for your child and not worry about the other parents. If they are not going to discipline their child and it affects YOUR child, you have every right to step in.

My daughter is now a teenager. She has a really nice group of friends, so I'm happy with where she is at. Would I still consider her shy. Yes. It's just who she is :)

Do advocate for your child until she learns to do it for herself. Our first daughter was very sensitive, which others thought was shyness or separation anxiety. I never had to discipline her since she wanted to do the right thing all the time. She did not want to go to preschool or parties, hid behind me, and when all checked out "safe" in her mind (usually at the end of the party when things got quieter) she would come out of her shell. Sensitive children can have one "hit" again them (tiredness, hunger, loudness, brightness, scratchy clothes, crowded room, etc.) but if more than 1 thing upsets them they either withdraw or cry. A book by Elaine N. Aron titled "The highly sensitive child - helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them" helped me a lot. I also found out that I am highly sensitive. It starts with a 23 question yes/no page and if you answer yes to most (21 yes for us) then this book might help you. It is structured first with an overview and then by age group, with very specific advice. I underlined my book and often went back to it over the years. This book defines "truly shy" as a "tendency to fear being judged and rejected", a cognizance which kids under age six rarely are capable of. She is now 12, still very sensitive but able to fend for herself. She also knows that she is sensitive (not fussy, shy, silly, a cry-baby, etc.) which helps her asses unknown situations and keep her self-esteem high. One of the things at a young age that helped was rehearsing things to say: when told by an older child to get off the swing at school, or when her close friends ask for a sticker when she just got them and gave them all away, a specific sentence to say helped (I like you but these stickers are new and I want to keep them, or, I waited to get on the swing and now is my turn, etc.) Your child is so young you will need to do it for her to show it is OK to stand up for herself. This book helped me focus on all the positives and helped me tell others not to perpetuate her negative self-esteem by constantly calling her shy - it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I considered home-schooling but am so glad I did not because in my mind it would have simply delayed her social awareness and self-advocacy. I did stay home with my kids full time and sent them to pre-school at age 3.
Goo luck with her and the new one on the way.

A two year old doesn't have the language or ability to stand up for herself. I think it's fine that you are showing her how to share at this point. And then as she gets older you can give her the confidence and the words to use. I was shy and also have a shy daughter. I have to say I think the fact that I was shy has actually helped my daughter. I grew up with a very vocal mother who wasn't afraid to speak her mind. But my oldest (now 10) has seen me do speaking things that she could tell were not comfortable situations for me. But I do them on purpose in front of her to show her that she's not going to get laughed at if she stumbles over a word while reading. I encouraged her to do dance and music where she's on stage with a group performing in front of people. I never pushed, but followed what her desires were. And always giving her lots of encouragement. Now, when it comes to the playground and things at school she doesn't always stand up for herself. She's been pushed down before and I've gone to the school to complain to the principal about another child's actions (after speaking to the teacher and my child about the incident). I got very involved in my children's school (I'm the PTA president) and I think that helps too. I'm always at the school and the principal knows me by name and he knows my children very well. So this has helped to break some of the ice for my daughter where in the past she might have been scared to go up to the principal to tell him something now she feels comfortable in doing that. Up until about 2nd grade it was inevitable that the teachers only complaint about her was she didn't talk enough in class. Nice problem to have, right? But now she's been sharing when it's appropriate to share and not when she shouldn't be. Honestly, looking back at the shell I was in as a child and seeing where my own child is she has come out of her shell much faster than I did. And I believe that's due in large part to my involvement in her life. Not that my mom wasn't involved, but she was in a different way and she had this way with people that I just couldn't understand. So it's helpful that you are like minded. As she gets older you can talk to her and tell her how you understand how scary it is to get up and talk to people because you are shy to, but how you don't want to miss out. I think correcting the situations now is just fine because that's giving your daughter a good base of who she can trust. And as she gets to the point in her life where she's in school all day long you can start telling her some of the tricks you might have done in school when you had to get up and read in front of the class or something. But just relax and enjoy your easy going well behaved child and continue to show her how to use her words politely to get what she wants.

Hi J.,
I know how you feel. My youngest is so shy. When she started preschool at 2 yrs 9 months - she actually did not speak a single word for 2 entire years. I'm not kidding. Not one word. So I know how you feel. Did you know that shyness is actually genetic? My pedi told me that. In any event, I think your gut is right that even if you are a stay-at-home mom, you need to keep your daughter in day-care for the socialization aspect. My daughter benefited from it greatly. Also, I agree with the need to discipline other parent's children. It drives me crazy - but I do it for 2 reasons. First, as you say, you need to intervene on behalf of your child. It lets them know you'll always be there for them. Second, and most important, you are giving them examples of how to stick up for what is right - so that eventually, it may be many years later, they'll be able to use those examples to stick up for themselves. If you just let the other child walk all over them, they'll subconciously think "Well, if it weren't all right, my mother would have said something." Sadly, I've found most parents do NOT discipline their own children - especially at playgrounds. I used to hate it at first, but now I have no qualms whatsoever about telling another child he shouldn't be doing what he is doing. Politely, of course. But firmly. And I'll wait a second to see if they plan to step in before I do anything. But mostly they don't. Usually the parent knows you are right, and they won't say anything to you. If you want a happy ending - my daughter is now 7, and while still shy, she is highly functional and has lots of friends. She'll stand up for herself when she needs to. (I did hold her back from starting kindergarten an extra year - that made a tremendous difference in giving her time to get those social skills ready). Good luck. There are lots of books out there for parents with shy children. You probably don't have much time to read, but you may want to try to squeeze in a page here and there.

J.,

My daughter is similar in nature but is only 16 months old. I too intervene on my daughter behalf. It is really hard for kids to understand about sharing. Kids aren't expected to understand sharing until at least 3 and actually share until 5 year old. So at 2 it is really tough on them. But like you I don't want my daughter just to sit there and also I want to show her that how to handle the situation for when she can voice it herself. Right now you are her role model. If she sees you handling the situation one way she will eventually get to being able to do it herself. I too have said to other kids, that my daughter was playing with that and when she is done with it she will let you have a turn. I then tell my daughter that she will need to give up the toy in a few minutes. I see how the other child reacts. Some just go off and play with something else and others wait. If the wait I do have my daughter give it up but if they go away I don't have her give it up. If they come back after a few minutes I tell them she is still playing with the toy and they will have to wait, basically trying to make them go play with something else. You can also find something to give the other child and take the toy back that your daughter was playing with and then she doesn't have to give up the toy at all. It is all about weather or not she needs to share the toy or not.
I hope this helps. Keep up being your daughter's protector and set good examples and hopefully she will see that you can stand up for yourself.

Good luck,
L. M