Worried About My Husbands Drinking

I don't see a big deal here. I think some people make big issues out of things that aren't neccessary simply because it's easy to believe bad things you here about certain things. So many people are hung up on alcohol being so terrible when in reality it isn't. It's the over consumption of it. I think given his size, he's fine with the amount. I would be more upset about the money if he truely is spending money that you don't have on beer. If you just don't like that it's expensive, see if he'll drink keystone(do they still make that cheap beer btw?).

Yes and no to overreacting. Would you be annoyed if he always had a concern with how much chocolate you had....or 'junk' food? If he is still keeping to all his responsibilities and if he's still just an engaged in life as he always has been, I wouldn't concern myself to much. I am telling you this from my experience with a somewhat casual drinker to a heavy drunk husband. He eventually stopped living life the way he once did. He started to neglect his responsibilities and continued to justify his poor choices.
I waited too long to force a change. There are things a true drinker starts doing when it’s out of control or headed that way. Things like, hiding how much they really drink and/or only going out to eat at places that server alcohol etc. You sound like you are watching a behavior that you fear getting out of hand and rightfully so. Alcohol can destroy relationships.

If you had one glass of wine (or even 2) and split it into 6 parts... and drank those parts over the course of an afternoon and night... would you be concerned?

I would be irked about in the car (if it's illegal in your state) and the expense.

But a BAC of 0.01 isn't concerning from a health basis or safety basis. When I ran the calculator, however, at 1 12oz bottle of 5% beer per hour (for his height and weight) I didn't get 0.01. I got 0.002 - 0.005 Also known as over 200 times UNDER the legal limit for driving. Akin to most people's blood alcohol after eating a rumball. So the only concern I'd have at ALL is the expense.

Weighing in at 240 pounds, drinking 6 beers over the course of 6 hours, his BAC would only be only 0.015%. Most single car crashes the driver has a BAC of 0.08-0.10%, which makes the driver 11 times more likely to get into an accident. There is a significant difference between 0.015%(your husband) and 0.10%(drunk driver). This means that your husband could drink 1 beer per hour all day at his current weight, and remain at 0.015%. He could technically drink and drive. Believe it or not it is legal to drink while driving in some states, Montana is the one that comes to mind, although it is still illegal to be drunk while driving. Oh and Wyoming...you can actually go through a drive-through for mixed drinks there! I did the BAC at this site: http://www.globalrph.com/bac.cgi

I am not an advocate for drunk drivers, and I have had my share of alcoholics in my life....but I have known plenty of guys who knock back a few to a six-pack every night as part of their routine without any ill effects on their lives. Some people just like beer.

I personally would not hassle him about it, even for health reasons. Maybe one last time to let him know how much you care about his health, and then let him make his own decisions about himself. He is a grown man.

I would look at other qualifiers...like does he work hard to provide for his family? Is he a good father? Does he treat you well? Is he at all abusive? Does he spend time with you? Depending how those are answered, then I would look at the alcohol as a source of those things being amiss.

Do you really think 6 beers is a lot? If your husband is as big as you describe...he actually isnt drinking as much as a woman who is 5'2 and 150 lbs. Contrary to popular belief, size does matter. You actually say he doesnt get drunk. Of course he doesnt. That would be impossible, giving the time and the size of him. As far as his health? He probably has lower anxiety and lower BP from this.
Is he a good husband? Does he provide? Does he do everything he can for his family?
Leave the man alone and let him have a couple of cold ones....after all, he's not driving, right?

Aside from the rest of your post, if I knew my husband was drinking an ddriving, I would kick him out on the spot. I could not deal with the lack of integrity on his part, the poor moral compass, and the example he was setting for my children. Also, if he kills or maims someone, I would fe financially vulnerable in a civil lawsuit. Further, I couldn't live with myself for not stopping it. Frankly, I think you should be ashamed for tolerating that.

He amy or may not be an alcoholic. But clearly he cares more about the alcohol than your feelings or anyone else which is a bad sign. Stop worrying about HIS health, stop enabling HIS behavior, and start caring about you and your children and your community art large by seeking help for yourself.He may have some redeeming qualities, and at his best he may be a great guy, but everything in your post completely outweighs those things. Your post makes him sound like a selfish jerk. If you want him to be the man you think he is, you need to lay down the law. Stop or else. Support him in theray or recovery or whatever, but ddon't support him being a selfish idiot a day longer.

No, I don't think you're overreacting at all. If you are uncomfortable with it, and he's getting defensive, then it's a problem. Not to mention a really bad example to set for your children. And drinking in the car? That's not ok, under any circumstances, whether your children are in the car with him or not. I'm sorry he's not taking your concerns seriously, because I think they are valid.

Your husband has a drinking problem. I know - I'm married to a recovering alcoholic.

even IF he wasn't drinking too much. the fact that you say you don't have much spending money leads me to think he is in fact selfish in that he is drinking up any extra money you do happen to have.. which of course leads me to this.. YES... he does drink too much... because most drunks are selfish and don't consider that their habit is taking money away from their family. my own biological mother was a beer drinker (Every night) and we were on general assistance and that didn't stop her.. she drank our money away... and by the end of the month we never had any money left.. so let's just say for a moment that some would say your husband doesn't have a problem (albeit, I think he does) but let's say he doesn't.... there IS a problem when he is spending the family's money on booze......
I also don't like the idea that he is drinking while in the car.. ok, maybe your kids aren't in harm's way.. BUT WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES!! sorry to raise my voice :) but seriously....
oh and my brother only drank beer (god rest his soul) he was another one who was broke all the time, yet he found money for his booze........ albeit his wife was a good co-dependent and got it for him..
my advice.. trust your gut instinct , the red flags are here....... even if your husband won't get help or think he had a problem .. you obviously do.. hence your question here..
and what is it about those who drink beer whom because it's only beer think that they don't have a drinking a problem..... anytime a substance blurs your good decision making, I think you do have a problem.........
I speak honestly about this because having come from a family of drunks, I simply don't have tolerance for excuses. yes, I have empathy for problems.. but when it comes to the bare bones of it all... nope... no sympathy for excuses or ALL the reasons a persons drinks like they are stressed or abused (hey, been there can relate) to me.. we live in a nation where there IS plenty of FREE help IF we want it.... Addicts always try to blame someone else (like how your husband said "it's always something" he won't get help.. then I recommend your attending an alanon meeting....
the change may need to start with you... and that's ok..
I wish you the best..
blessings

If your husband's drinking is causing issues--then it's a problem.
Alcoholism (untreated) is a chronic, progressive disease.

Drinking is a problem if it's affecting the relationship, which this is. He's defensive and he won't stop. Have you expressed your desire to have him around for a long time?

I would suggest you get some support through Al-Anon or a counselor.

Another objective measure would be a liver function test. If his liver enzymes are elevated, he can't very well deny the effects. If they're normal, it doesn't mean the alcohol isn't a problem in your lives though.

Drinking and driving? Nothing else matters. You need to put the clamp down and leave. Anyone who would do that regularly has a massive problem, and to be honest, his health is not nearly as important as the other people on the road who are not drinking. My husband is big and tall and likes beer too but he doesn't do that. Why is your husband special? How will you feel when he hurts someone? It's illegal for a reason. Call the cops on him. But you sound more "unsure" if he has a problem and concerned with your budget.
And as for all these people saying it's really not too much alcohol for driving....the point is, he cant' abstain from drinking in the car. It will get worse. and it's not OK.

There are certain things to be concered. Has he always drank this much? Does he get aggressive/violent after drinking? Is it affecting your children? Is there a history of alcholism in his family? Sorry for all of the questions. I was with someone who drank a lot and I gave him a choice, me or the alcohol. He chose me! It lasted for 2 years, than he relapsed. I came to the conclusion that overall, he was a very good man, and we worked well together. Everyone is addicted to something. Try to see what's going on with him internally. You'll be suprised of what a man will reveal. A drunk mind speaks a sober tounge.

No i dont think your over reacting at all. He shouldnt be drinking and driving even if hes only drinking a few beers the outcome is the same if he kills himself or other's. Its ok to drink one with dinner, but 6 is to get drunk. Wine is ok too but not the whole bottle. If theres not much spending money he shouldnt be spending it on beer, theres other more important things to spend money on. He shouldnt get mad at you because your only conserned for him and do it because you love him. Dont feel guilty and keep puyying your foot down before the problem gets out of control!!! goodluck yo you!

No you are not over reacting. The only question I have is was he drinking this much before you married?

Blessings....

some men drink beer like it's water....& it doesn't affect them at all. The price is paid later in life when it begins affecting the organs.

This holds true particularly for men btwn the ages of 40-60. For them, it was a normal part of life to see their parents drink beer...as we do soda.

Do I like it? Nope, I think alcohol is alcohol.

Drinking and driving kills people. Innocent people. Moms walking with strollers. Little kids. Big kids listening to ipods. The list goes on, of people who die, thanks to drunk drivers. Great that YOUR kids arent in the car. What about the kids in the car he accidently crashes into, and kills? Isnt drinking and driving illegal where you live? You should either hide the keys, or call 911 when he gets behind the wheel drunk. Nevermind HIS health. Thats HIS choice. The life or lives he could possibly take, thats what I would care about, if I were you. I'd focus on that.

I will first admit I didn't read all the responses but I will just share my heart. If you are concerned even just a little, the two of you need to have a heart to heart about how you are felling and let his answers to your questions be your cue. My husband drinks more that I would care for him to, not just for health reasons, but just for his sake in general. But I have made peace with it and he doesn't put any of us in any danger (i.e.; I feel comfortable leaving our daughter in his care). Now for the BIG one, in our house. My husband got a DUI about 2 years ago and the repercussions financially and how our home operates now that he doesn't drive at ALL is HUGE. Now my husband has chosen not to drive anymore but depending on the situation it may not be your husband's choice if he were to get a DUI. Beside the obvious putting everyone on the road at risk, more importantly he is putting your families future at risk. New DUI laws are a BIG price to pay for everybody in your home. Best of luck, if you need to express more of your concerns with someone who has been there feel free to contact me personally. Good Luck and I will pray for you!

I am SO surprised that anyone would say it's not a big deal- the very fact that it upsets you enough to post makes it a big deal. Please do look up some of the websites- for AA and Al-Anon. AA has a checklist to hep 'answer' if he has a problem. You would certainly be able to answer most of those for him to get a better idea. And the question that asks if there have been legal problems as a result, you'd probably have to answer 'not yet, or soon' because of the driving.

Mostly, I am concerned about the drinking and driving. Not to beat a dead horse, because I saw lots of other posts echoing this, but it is concerning that even though your kids aren't in the car, there are other kids, other cars, other people on the road and he is absolutely endangering their lives.

It's not that easy to just tell you to kick him out, most of the people who say that would not find it that easy to do either. Start small. Read up on it, go to an Al-Anon meeting (seriously, if you can, this is the best support). Start to steady yourself for some difficult conversations. You will need to set limits and boundaries, and this will be hard. The three c's they teach you in Al-Anon are you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. You need to understand this. But you also need to not enable it. This means ultimately things like- you will tell him that if he gets into a car after drinking, you will call 911.

This will be a big challenge for you, but you need to take care of yourself while still loving him. This is obviously a problem, please don't take the easy way out by listening to those who say you're overreacting, you're not doing yourself, your children, or him a favor. God bless.

If you really wish to resolve this issue focus on you and not his behavior. Learn about what enabling behaviors are. Learn about boundaries. Learn about self-care. The more you heal yourself the more clarity you will have about your relationship.

I spent 17 years with an addict wishing, waiting, and hoping that he would change. I did all the classic enabling behaviors from denial to completley taking the blame. Fortunately, about 9 years into our marraige I clued in and started to heal myself. I quit focusing on changing him and really got down to finding what was in me that was contributing to the mess that was my marraige. Healing myself allowed me to understand the dynamics that were really going on in the relationship and to make clear choices about what I needed to do (not what he needed to do).

Whether your husband should or shouldn't drink as much or when he is doesn't matter. What does matter is that he is. You cannot change him. If you sit around waiting for him to change or spend all of your energy trying to change him you will miss the opportunity to care for yourself and your children. You need to be in a position of empowerment for yourself. Empowerement means you have choice. You do not get to choose whether he changes or not. You do get to choose how you respond to his behaviors.

For example, if your concern is his health, then you can arrange things to be put into place that create safety for you and your children financially such as health insurace, long-term care insurance, and life insurance. If he is drinking and driving then you have some choices to make, all the way from never getting in the car with him driving to contacting the police. There are so many choices you can make that support you and your children.

Of course, communicating openly, clearly, and directly will always be a key. If your intention in communicating is to change his behavior little will likely change, in fact, he will probably just get defensive. If your intention is to share how you are feeling, to state how it is effecting you and the children, and to set a boundary you will have much more success.

I currently have a client that I have worked with for about two years now whose husband drank heavily and she was at the end of her rope. Her husband did stop drinking, however many of the behaviors that were an issue in the relationship were still there. I supported her in changing the focus from his drinking or even his behaviors to what was going on inside of her. What were her fears. What were her enabling behaviors such as lack of boundaries, lack of communciation, withdrawl, and blaming.

She is doing really well now. They are still married and both engaged in working on the relationship. She is learning to create boundaries and to communicate in a healthy manner in all areas of her life. Most importantly, she is taking 100% responsibility for her own well-being by becoming aware of her own irrational core beliefs and questioning them deeply. She is focused on herself, not her husband, which has created the space for him to focus on himself.

I would be worry about my husband health too, so no, I don't think you are overreacting. But if you can make your point across about health I would try do it about money, I like Jane answer. I would put a jar and put the equal amount of money for each of his near in the jar, every time he has one, add the money, after 1 month show it to him next to the list of the things your family needs.
I don't drink at all, I don't really know how much damage one beer can do, if you can talk to your doctor and ask him about how much one beer a day can really affect your husband. Perhaps if he can just have one a day instead of six could be a compromise?

I don't think you're overreacting. Several of the things you mention are hallmarks of a possible problem.

The biggest one is drinking in the car. In my state (and most, if not all, other states, I believe) it is illegal to operate a car with an open container of alcohol in the car - even if the driver is not the one drinking. This is, if I recall, an arrestable offense, not just a ticket. And the fact that he is driving while under the influence - whether he's drinking in the car or before - is also concerning (and potentially illegal, depending on b.a.l.) Any time that drinking is done in a way that is illegal, it is considered (by sociological standards) to be problematic.

Also, the fact that he drinks 4-5 beers a night suggests that there could be something wrong, even if he doesn't appear to be getting drunk. Some people can appear to function quite well when they are indeed fairly intoxicated. Of course, how long it takes him to consume them, whether he's eating with the beer, and his body mass can all affect his b.a.l. But the fact that he is drinking almost every night takes it beyond "social drinking" to a possible problem.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice. An alcoholic (not saying he is... just the possibility) has to want to change before anything will happen. Family cannot force them into it, although giving him an incentive to want to might help.
The big thing I would say is never let him drive with you or the kids in the car if he has had even one drink at all that day. Just for safety - err on the side of caution!
And I agree with another post that suggested looking up AA and AlAnon (which is support for family members of alcoholics).

Aside from the driving, which I have ZERO tolerance for, I think you need to decide how much of an issue you want to make of this. He isn't doing anything majorly damaging to you or your family, but I get that it's annoying.

I have pretty much the same issue with my husband. For me, it was more about the money and health than anything else. He never got drunk in front of the kids. I finally had him start keeping track of how much money he was spending on beer per month. He was shocked to find out that it added up to about $100 - a week's worth of groceries. Maybe something similar would work for you? Or maybe if you could come to an agreement that he could spend $50/month on alcohol?

Good luck.