Working Mom - San Diego,CA

I am a working mother who does not feel guilty about working. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I tried be a stay at home mom, even have had two jobs where I could work from home. It doesn't work for me. After two years I gave up and said "I'm going to work"...

However I am and do feel jealous of my husband...he works from home and LOVES it! I wish I did. I love my babies(not really babies almost 6 and 3)and I do all the extra activities, I coach, I am the Girl Scout Leader, I take my three year on special days. But I am not the mom who stays home. I do wish I was but I have come to terms with it's just not for me.

You're not alone! I feel the same way. I enjoy my job and the people that I work with but my heart is with my kids. I would give anything to stay home with them. Maybe someday!

I've been a working mom my kids' entire life and I have no guilt. If you're going to work, be happy and in the moment at work. When you're home with your kids, be happy and in the moment with them. Blend the two when you can. It's great that they have a stepmom who can do all the activity days but don't waste energy comparing yourself to her. You are two different people, with two different sets of circumstances. Guilt is a complete waste of time, particularly when you have no other option but to work.

I've taught 7th through 12th grades for nearly 20 years now. I've learned that no one type of "mom-ing" creates better or worse kids. I've seen good kids from both working mom and SAHM families and I've seen awful kids come from both, too.

Bottom line, happy moms make happy families. Embrace what you do and be the best at it.

Good luck.

I am not sure what you mean "Litterly there the only kids in the school that get dected out on school activity days...The days there dad has them seem to be the days there doing school things.."
But
I am a working mom and I remember the days back when I was a SAHM and I miss the being there for my kids all the time, but I am also divorced and I am so HAPPY to not be with their dad! My marriage was very unhappy. I know my kids can see and feel the difference. I have my own money and make my own decisions about it and feel good about what I am doing. I am showing my kids that women can be independant. On the flip side at first i felt like I could never miss work for a field trip or a day when there is no school, but now I take a day or two of vacation when I can to go with them on their field trip. not every trip, I pick and choose. And sometime my kids complain, but you know what i tell them i have to work and someday you will too.

My ex had more money than me and he does more "special trip" that I do like disney and vaca to mountains and you just have to let that go. =) be happy in the time that you have them...

No, you are not alone. But I have been and done all of it (SAHM, work pt, work full time outside the home, work from home) and regardless of 'what' you are..... you will always feel guilty as a mom, I think. That's just how we're wired. When I was a SAHM I was feeling guilty over what we didn't have and how hard her dad had to work, when I worked from home I didn't give 100% to anything because I was stretched into corners of my house trying to find the perfect solution. When she was younger and again now I work full time outside the home and I wish I could stay at home - or at least work less hours to be there more.

But - I think the MOST important thing to your kids is that YOU ARE CONFIDENT WITH YOUR CHOICE. They are learning to make decisions based on how they see you making decisions. So, try to make some peace with your choices - always knowing that you are making the best decisions you can at that time.

I don't work full time outside the home so that I can buy my kid with trips and 'things' unless you count trips to school in subzero weather in a car and food on the table things that she could do without so that I could stay home. Staying at home full time is a luxury I can't afford because I am a single parent. But I make the best of it and my daughter knows who I am and what I mean to her.

Your kids will be fine - flourish even - if they have a confident happy mommy - no matter where you spend your time.

Good luck!

I'm a working mom and I also do not feel any guilt. Several recent studies of kids with a SAHM vs working mom show no difference in behavior or achievement or social development as long as the kids are well cared for and their moms nurture them when they are together. Several moms said already, just enjoy the moments you have with them. Also, as the mother of a daughter, I want to show her that good mothers work and have kids, so she knows she can do it too when she's older. I enjoy my work, I find it fulfiling, and I think it's important, but I also love my kids and I know that while I'm working they are in excellent hands. I give them my full attention when I come home from work and try to make weekends family time. I realize I'm fortunate that my work does have flexible scheduling and I think it would probably ease your guilt if you could work out something with your employer (I can make up lost work time at night or weekends). Don't compare yourself to other moms or your kid's step mom... if your kids ask about it, have a frank discussion with them, why you work, what it means for your family, why some moms don't have to work, how working doesn't mean you love them any less, etc. Besides, sounds like the step mom might be over compensating a little if they are the only ones decked out for activities! :)

you are not alone and dont worry too much about it. I have always had to work myself and yes my dream growing up was to be a stay at home mom. But circumstance have kept me from that dream. It is hard letting someone else care for your child durring the day while you are at work but it is something we have to do. It is better to be working and showing your kids the importance of being a productive member of society. I know it is this reason that a lot of mothers are looking for stay at home jobs. It is why I have found a business myself to work from home in hopes to eventually be home for my kids. Does your employeer offer any vacation days that you can take to be able to be part of the school activities?

I've been working full time since my son was 4 weeks old. My husband has a more flexible job so he does the playdates and school activities when he's not working or he schedules work around those things. I feel guilty about it but I also have no choice. To make up for it I give my son all my attention when I get home from work until he goes to bed. Then we do lots of things on the weekends. I'm taking off the rest of the day today to take my son and his friend on an outing after school. So I try to go to some activities at school if I can otherwise my husband goes. Just as long as you have quality time with your kids as much as you can, they'll be fine.

Good luck. The guilt gets better but it never goes away.

Yes - I feel guilty almost every single day. You should at least console yourself that it sounds like you really have to work and your kids will totally understand and appreciate that someday. You may want to get the book the Feminine Mistake. It talks about how the whole SAHM thing wasn't even an option until the '50's or something. (except the super wealthy and then they had nannies!) Overall it made me feel much better about working. Also, I work for a family founded company and the owners are off the charts wealthy. I have so much respect for the way they keep working when they so don't have to. It remnds me how working teaches your kids something very valuable by example. I've also been told by many working moms that as their kids got older, the kids were so proud of them for working and more connected. No situation is perfect and lots of kids with working moms turn out great and lots with SAHM's dont. There's not a set formula and I'm sure your kids know how much you love them and that's what matters. A friend of a friend apparently said that's really all that matters as he grew up with parents who didn't make it clear that they really loved him. He's said THAT's what screws a kid up... You can be sad for yourself that you're missing some things - I'm starting to feel like that - but if you have to work, there's nothing to feel guilty about. I feel guilty bc I don't absolutely have to work... How horrible am I? :)

When the kids were little, I felt terrible about going to work every day. That feeling for me had little to do with the kids and more to do with the job. Now that the youngest in the house just turned 15, I don't like that I have to go to work. The teens need more supervision than the toddlers. My job situation now is ok. Not my dream job but it helps pay the bills and creates a nice savings. We are currently saving all of my salary and living off of hubby's. Planning for a different kind of future. ;-)

yes, i am a mother, but, i work part time, for myself and i bring my baby with me. you are going to feel guilty whether you work or not (you are a mother, it comes with the territory)( why are men not made to feel guilty if they are not at home to raise the little ones, i wonder), if you are going to feel guilty no matter what you do, so you might as well have a paycheck to show for it. so their stepmother doesnt work, so what ? no paint off your door. bens ex wife works part time and always spends buckets of money on herself, and her neighbors shun her because she is always better dressed then her kids. her as@ is so big, it has its own zip code.
here kitty, kitty
K. h.

I don't feel bad about working at all. My kids are well taken care of, they love their care-takers, they have so much fun, and I spend a lot of quality time with them in the evenings and on the weekends. For me, it makes all the difference knowing that I have quality childcare providers to help me take care of my family. If I didn't, or didn't have the resources to pay for that, it would definitely put a damper on things (and I have been in that boat before for sure, and more than once!). I think I'm a better Mom when I work, I appreciate my time with my kids so much more.

I am a working mom also, and I think it's normal to feel the way you're feeling. But as a matter of practicality, we have to do what we have to do to pay the bills!

I think it you look at it another way, maybe your kids have the best of both worlds. On the one hand, stepmom has time on her hands and can take them to do things that SAHMs can do with their kids. And on the other hand, they have you as a role model to show them what can be achieved in the business world. I think it's important for kids to see women in both roles - as a caregiver and also as a businesswoman. Your kids are lucky to be able to see both sides of it! And I bet if you asked your kids, they would tell you they're proud of you and look up to you, because they see that you're working hard to support them. Still, I know it's hard - no matter what our chosen path in life, the grass is always greener on the other side! =)

Kids are not stupid and know when they are being bought with trips, cars, toys etc... Take you time with them and make it count. You can have just as much fun going to the park as what they do going on a long trip. It is how you spend your time with them, not how much it costs. I grew up with both parents working and I never felt unloved and my parents never missed anything. Who cares if step-mom doesn't work. Unless you are a worthless mother (not saying you are) your children love you and respect that you work even if you have to miss that game.

You could also discuss this with your boss and see if they have some kind of flex time. I change my schedule every week depending on when my kids and step kids are at my home. This also means that I work crazy hours, but I also get to spend more time with them. Who knows maybe your boss will let you leave early every day if you work 8-12 on Saturdays. It never hurts to ask. I also get an hour and a half supper on my days I come in at 8 am and stay til 10:30pm to allow me to have a sit down supper with my family. It is hard work, but you never know what your boss will say unless you ask. I bet he/she also has kids or grandkids at home and understands.

I really liked Stephanie F's answer. The only thing I would add is talk to your employer about possible "flex-time". If the kids have something big at school that you really want to attend talk to your boss about taking 1/2 day vacation, or coming in early, leaving early, or coming in late and staying late, or possibly coming in on a Sat for 4 hours to make up time taken off. Be creative, show respect for your boss and make it a win-win situation.
And -- I don't believe in guilt :)

I haven't had more than 2.5 weeks off in a row (and that was my Maternity leave) in 24 years of working (since I was 18 years old). Lucky for me my work has always included my daughter once she was born (I was a full time, 12 hour a day nanny, then started my own home childcare) but have always been tied to those hours and that schedule and not being available for her school activities or to pick her up from school, etc. Its not such a free schedule for your kids as people would think.

But I know it was the right choice for our family...tough as it has actually been.

As far as the step mom situation..remember you can only control what YOU do at your home. No sense worrying or stressing too overmuch about that. Make your home and your time the focus. You will do just fine!

Best wishes!

I know you weren't necessarily looking for this type of answer, but have you considered working from home? I'm in the same boat, where I'm currently working full time outside the home because we absolutely need my income, but just really want to be at home to raise my daughter. So, I've started working from home in the evenings with the goal of replacing my income ASAP and working solely from home. I'm part of a team of moms who have already done this so they are a great motivation to me!
If you're interested in learning more about our business and achieving your dream of being a stay at home mom send me a message or visit my website to learn more.

workathomeunited.com/R.

I have always worked I stayed home with my oldest for two years and my youngest for the first year but my DH has always been self employed so someone has to carry insurance and have the steady paycheck. I have had guilt about not being home a few times but have always had grandma or a fantastic sitter with them while I was at work. In a lot of ways I have lucked out my job has always been very flexible so I get them to school every morning and either me or DH is home when they get home from school. I have not been able to be the class mom or anything but I have never missed any of the important stuff.

I work full time and have been in the same career for 26 years. I'm fortunate that I'll retire in another two years, but sometimes that two years looks like an eternity. It took 17 years to even have my kids, with numerous fertility treatments and an unbelieveable amount of money spent. I now have a 6 year old daughter and boy/girl twins who just turned 2. It's hard when my 6 year old asks if I have to go to work each night. In that respect, I'm lucky. Nearly a year ago an opportunity came up that allowed me to go to night shift. I'm able to go to the kids' school activities, though it does leave me exhausted. I'm thinking of hiring an au pair, though I'd really rather not have someone live with us. The problem is that my husband is disabled and I come home each morning to a house that is a wreck. He can't drive, so I have to stay up when I get home, get the kids fed and ready and off to school. Then I pray that my husband doesn't have some appoinment I need to take him to, further cutting into my sleep.

I feel guilty that I can't devote the time to my daughter that I'd like to, especially to help her with her school work. I feel like I'll never catch up, yet, like you, I'm grateful to have a good job and know that financially it's best for our future. And it's "only" two more years. There are nights I feel like quitting...like last night. Not because of the job, because I love it. But because I got a call after midnight from my husband. The twins were still not in bed. One of them got into a jar of Vaseline. I've yet to find the mess this morning because I'm getting things ready for my older daughter's Girl Scout troop photos. I'm continually exhausted....yet I keep telling myself that it's only two more years. (Can you tell what my mantra is, LOL?) Sometimes it's best that we work outside the home, often for more than purely financial reasons. Yes, there will be guilt that we can't do everything we'd like to do. Then again, there are probably some SAHMs who feel guilty because they don't work, get burned out on finding a meaningful variety of activities to do with their kids, and they can't do everything they'd like due to finances. It all comes down to what is best for you, your children and your family as a whole. Leaving the guilt out, is your situation the best for everyone involved? Best to you...

Hi, I work out of my house which allows me to work around my son's schedule which wasn't the case when I work in the corporate world. He's 11 now and I know before I know it he will be off to college. That was the main reason I looked for opportunities to work from home. Let me know if you are interested... http://www.GoGreenBHealthy.com