Wishful Thinking

The grass is always greener... if you're always searching for perfection then you'll end up miserable and alone.

I felt bad when I read that you don't have friends. Here is a idea ..go to meetup (thru Yahoo) they have groups have every possible category. If you enjoy running,baking,reading whatever its broken down in states and zip codes.
Also I would go to the library and borrow some Wayne Dwyer CDs it helps with inner peace. When you have inner peace you attract nice people to be friends. Good luck.

I think you had a fantasy about marriage and you are now experiencing the reality. Married people argue, and life is not a bed of roses. You are just frightened but going back to the unknown isn't going to help. Nurture the one you have now, unless you felt you made the biggest mistake of your life, but from the fact you said you love your husband very very much, then I think you should work on your marriage and communication.

Two thoughts:

1) You are not a "Mama Wolf" if you would jeopardize your son's family by giving into a really stupid and immature temptation. Anyone you've never met in person is not your "friend," and seems way more glamorous than he really is. I've done dumb things like that plenty (when I was young and immature), so I know. NO real husband can live up to Mr. Fantasy Boyfriend.

2) If you meet him, you'll probably be disillusioned within 1/2 minute. However, on the slim chance that you two actually hit it off -- bad idea.

The planet is full of other people we could fall in love with and have a relationship with. Not ONE of them is very exciting after the first year or two or three. Brad Pitt, (referenced below), is probably not that exciting to Angelina any more. It's about making a choice, and STICKING to it.

I... have had many male friends/boyfriends and have always been friends with ex-boyfriends after ward.
But... once committed... I DO NOT flit around.
I never look back... I don't like 'reruns.'
I don't like going back to the past.
Even if I were single... I abhor, getting back into a relationship with a guy I used to be involved with. I move on.
It is the past.
This is now.
I am married.

Once, a guy friend of mine called... because a guy that I used to be involved with, was asking about me and wanting to hook up again. Total hunk I might add, and a nice guy. I was already married. He knew that.
I told him explicitly... THE NERVE you even propose this idea to me! I am MARRIED! And, you should show MORE respect, towards me... by NOT even thinking of this. You KNOW I do not, do that. How DARE you even try!
I cut his 'fantasy' real quick.

The thing is, if your Husband had this going on.... behind your back... you would be TOTALLY despondent... and your whole world would come crashing down on you.

You are a Mom, married, and that entails.... being responsible for it and your role and your life, now. Handle it.

NO marriage is perfect. ALL couples have bad moments.
You are not 'satisfied' in your marriage... so figure that out, before you bring someone else into the picture....
Figure yourself out... first.
This is selfish. Sorry.

Maybe, you were not ready to get married....

I got all my yah-yah's out... before I got married. I lived life and had whatever fantasy guys/fun/single life I wanted... before I met and married my Husband. I had gotten it out of my system.

Again, what if your Husband were doing this to you????

Marriage takes WORK.... 24/7. It is not a cake walk. But if you are committed, you do what is best... for the WHOLE family... not just for yourself.

all the best,
Susan

Stop talking to this guy. I went through this too. I never DID anything, but I chatted with an old boyfriend and talked about meeting again. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was so wrong. I told my husband about it and of course he was hurt, but it cleared the air for talking about the issues in our marriage. Vows are forever. How would you feel if your husband was doing the same thing? It would crush you. You also have a baby to consider and for what? Some guy you've never even met?? Nobody is ever fully 100% happy in their marriage 100% of the time. Work on what you need to with your husband and forget about this other guy.

Work on putting this man in San Francisco out of your mind and concentrate on your husband and child. You couldn't possibly be fully satisfied with your marriage when you have a fantisy of another man on your mind.

Blessings......

First cut off the old friend. The grass that looks so green on the other side of the fence is usually growing over the septic tank!

A 14 month old baby means you're still going through tons of adjustments. Your baby is just becoming a toddler and you are still coming out of baby-mode and want to see if you can get "you" back. Am I still attractive? Can I still fix my life? Will I ever be me again?

Find some one to talk to! Address the issues in your marriage. This is not about the other guy it is about you.

the grass is always greener on the other side...
Marriage is hard work! Having kids is harder!
What will you do in your "pre married life" with a child? Or do you plan to abandon your baby for a bit of fun. Sorry my dear but grow up!

After a few years of marriage to your fantasy boyfriend, you will still be looking because HE then will be the boring husband. Learn to be content with the good things you have and with your place in life -- wife and mom. Trust me, I know how it goes because I've been there. If I could have known then what I know now I never ever would have divorced my husband. It's too late for me. Not for you. Yes you and your hubby argue. You and the next hubby will too. And the next.

There are lots of things I'd like to say but I'm sticking with "if you don't have something nice to say .....".

You've only been married 11 months. This is your honeymoon period. Stick to your vows, honor your husband, your son, and yourself.

Stay faithful to your husband, this other man can very well be a sex offender no mater what he has told you. many young women have been murdered by men the met on line. You owe faithfulness to your husband and your son. All married couples argue, and you are probably arguing more with your husband cause this other man is on your mind. Everyone gave you good advice except for Jennifer, sorry Jennifer if you are reading this, nobody said the obvious, this guy could be dangerous, and ready to give up after 11 months please. J.

I had many male friends before I got married.
The thing is.....if you don't think you can just be "friends", you need to cut ties.
My husband was very jealous even though my male friends invited us to their weddings, etc. There was nothing romantic or any fantasies about it whatsoever.
You've been married for 11 months and you're not satisfied with your marriage? You haven't even given it a chance! You better realize that the first couple of years (at least) are the hardest and you can't bail over the "fantasy" of someone you've never met in person.
You don't seem to just have friendship on your mind, girlfriend, so my advice is to put your thoughts and your energy into your new husband and baby.

New marriage, new baby....it ain't glamorous....but it's worth hanging onto.

I would cut communication with this other guy because it doesn't seem like it can lead to anything good at all.

Just my opinion.

Nobody is FULLY satisfied with their marriage. Really. And MANY people are just doing their best to get through the day when there is child younger than 3 involved!

Is your husband a "good man"? If you think so, then I say don't do it. You have never even met this friend and are probably creating an ideal version of him. That's EASY to do with people we've never met.

If you have ANY old flames with whom you are still friends, think about how you feel about THEM now. For me, while I am happy to still be friends with a few fellows I dated long, long ago - I am HAPPY that I am not "with" them. And that's key. Some long-distance invisible friend isn't likely to be any better.

Good luck to you.

This friend is a fantasy. Why are you willing to throw away what you have? What makes you think this is about him? It's about you. Your baby has taken so much of your time and energy that you haven't been able to give your husband as much time as you'd like. Consequently, you're feeling disconnected. Are you the kind of woman who flits from man to man, always looking for the next best thing? Or are you the kind of woman who sees a problem, accepts her share of the responsibility, and then digs in to make it better? Why would you feel "fully satisfied" in a relationship that you're not fully commited to?

I was also ready to write a harsh response, but I see that you have already gotten that and hopefully have realized what that impact of calling this person could be. There is nothing more important in marriage than trust. And a healthy marriage is so important to the child that you have chosen to have together.

As we get older, we all have circumstances that aren't all that we hoped and dreamed they would be. That is life. The only way to enjoy life is to find the joy each day in whatever situation and circumstances that you are in, even when that is hard (believe me, I am constantly working on this).

As for your marriage, no matter how much you want or think your husband should be doing things differently, you might be surprised at what happens if you make the effort to put some spark in things. Very hard, I know, when you are a new mom. But, life and marriage aren't easy.

Good luck and know that all of us women and moms struggle with the weight of our responsibilities and sometimes dream of past or better times. But ultimately, you only you and your own attitude can make you happy in whatever place your life is in the present.

as new parents, i think we all went through freakout/panic moments - is this ALL there is? am i "just mom/wife" from now on? give yourself some time, like several months... figure out if you're just bored/depressed or if you are TRULY unhappy in your marriage. if it's your marriage, consider counseling, or if nothing else, end your marriage appropriately and completely before moving on to another man. even if things can't work with your son's father, at least you'll be able to hold your head up a bit and know that you treated the relationship with some degree of respect. good luck to you :)

Your kind of fantasy is very common. Marriage is NEVER what one thinks it's going to be. It's much harder and grittier than we ever expect, and yes, there are arguments. If you were to leave your husband and go after this other fellow whom you've never met in person, you've very likely to end up with... nothing.

You'll never get your pre-married life back. You have a son. Your life has changed permanently.

If you're not fully satisfied with your marriage, try to make it better before you throw it away. Be brave and quit hedging your bets - drop the connection with the other guy. You know very well how you'd feel if your husband kept in contact with another woman "just in case"!

Learn to pay attention (again) to the guy you married - yes, that guy you're tired of right now but who some other woman would LOVE to grab away from you. When you start dreaming/thinking of the fantasy man, deliberately attach your husband's face to the fantasy. Look at him as if you've just met him for the first time. Talk to him as if he were company (please, thank you, and all the rest). Treat him like someone special. It wasn't so long ago that you thought he was. If you feel you need someone to help you do this, find some good counseling. This is worth doing. Every marriage gets a little stale - from time, from hard work, and often from exhaustion; you're just the one to freshen it up again.

Just remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Also sometimes you just want what you can't have. I know those are both like cheesy old sayings but they are often true. I also think about "the one that got away" from before I met and married my husband. However, I love my husband and our life together. Maybe you should try thinking about what you do have--not what you don't have. You don't know that your life with this other guy would be so great--for all you know it could turn out to be a complete disaster. Maybe it didn't happen with this guy before for a reason. If I were you I would stop tempting myself by talking to him. How would you feel if the tables were turned and it was your husband talking to his "girl that got away". And think about your son in all of this. In the end only you can decide what to do but be prepared to deal with the consequences of whatever you decide.

Write in a private journal your feelings but don't act on any of it. You don't want to ruin your marriage. Instead, I would focus on your hubby and making your marriage really happy. Find out what makes him happy- tell him what makes you happy- focus on eachother. You are very new in your marriage-it takes time to get the kinks out and get a good solid foundation. Work on your stuff with your hubby. Forget about this friend for now. Also, what would you gain by meeting up with this man??? I think you would end up more confused. Not to mention-- your son would be confused as well. Good luck.

M

If you do not fight on occasion in a relationship, than chances are you are not communicating. You need to focus on your husband, and remember all the things about him that made you fall in love with him in the first place. If this "friend" is causing a distraction in your marriage, you may need to cut off communication with him.

Hi, I know how you feel and in my experience i had to fulfill my desires by going to see an ex only because i needed to see what i THOUGHT i was missing! But i wasn't missing a damn thing! this will play on your mind until you 1 give in and see your friend or just say I'm committed to my marriage and my husband. it won't be easy because you'll always have that what if in the back of your mind. so i say do what you need to do, it may make your marriage better in the long run. good luck!

You have already received a lot of great responses. I see you also responded you have yet to make many friends!! Having other mommy friends with similar interests can be vital to a women's psyche! Try joining a mom's group! You can go to www.meetup.com and search for mom's groups in your area! This is what I did and it has been a godsend!!!

Best of luck

I've known a few women who have done this and they were thinking the grass is always greener somewhere else. But it isn't. Things didn't work out. You should forget about this guy. You have a son, and you should do everything you can to work things out. It doesn't even sound like anything is wrong in your marriage. There is no perfect marriage, you just have to accept that. Go out with girlfriends once in a while and have fun. Good luck.

Listen, you do know what to do, you just want permission to do something else. You were brave to ask this question when deep down I'm sure you knew the answers you'd receive. Sometimes, however, we just need to have 'our friends' be incredibly honest with us and tell us what's what. I call it the nice version of the movie slap - we're here to slap a little sense into ya;)

What you're missing is spontaneity, excitement, single days gone by. I don't know your history or what your life was like before (i.e. did you miss out on experiencing a wild single life, or did you really experience it and now miss it). Either way, we all get nostalgic for 'those' days, but it's up to each of us to bring that into our lives now - with those whom we love and have committed to. It's also okay to have a girl's night out, or a special date night with your husband. Whatever wistful thinking you are having of this other person, transfer those daydreams into what you could materialize with your husband.

It's okay to daydream, but keep it there and please remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You are romanticizing a scenario which likely would not turn out well and would complicate your life so much and you would likely regret everything.

All my best to you,
S.

If your marriage is not going well, then you should try to get some help to make it better---not another fantasy man! Try marriage counseling. If you cannot afford it, look for a priest, minister or rabbi who is willing to counsel you and your husband for free. If your husband won't go, then go by yourself.

You have a child together and you owe it to him to make the effort to work it out. Try to make friends. If you go to church you would meet new people there. You might try volunteer organizations. Some offer day care and you could meet people there. I wish you good wishes and good luck in your efforts.

Our first year was ROUGH....and we didn't have a kid already. My ex-boyfriend was calling, wanting me back - oh the confusion. I got through the first year and here we are still married - almost 10 years. It gets better every year.

You have much to lose and not much to gain. Work on your marriage. Never make contact with your "mystery man" again and tell him not to contact you. You are adjusting to motherhood and you are still a newlywed. You don't need to mention any of this to your husband, just tell him that you want to work on being closer to him for the sake of your marriage and your life together as a family. Don't let your boredom ruin your life!