Why Your Success Rubs Other Women Wrong Way?

Everyone has also been supportive and happy about my successes. I had my first kid at 20, 2nd at 22, and 3rd at 24. Married at 21, built a house at 25, and obtained my MBA at 29. All of that while working full-time. No one ever had anything but support and praise. You need new friends or to talk to them. I'd be willing to bet YOU are busier and so YOU have actually backed off some without realizing it.

Nope.

I often notice more people flock to me when times are good. Maybe it is my attitude (I'm happy).

If something is not going well to hide out a bit (maybe stay home more and go to less social events) and focus more on myself or trying to move forward.

Some women may feel like you are abandoning them. There also tends to be a rivalry between stay at home moms and career women. Stay at home moms think that the others are abandoning their kids.
These are just my observations....not true for all women, but some.

Honestly I think it is the Gen Me mentality. When my kids were younger we all helped each other as much as we could without concerning ourselves with who was making what. As a stay at home mom at the time we were always there to make sure the kids of the working moms got where they needed to be, had friends, ya know, our kids, to play with, it was very much a village. I was always so proud that we were a part of helping other women be successful.

Now days it is everyone has something I don't and it isn't fair. No one seems to see what they actually have. I have a very good job that I happen to love. My friends and peers are very supportive and happy for me. It is the younger women I work with who are all butt hurt that I have more. It isn't fair, we will be mean. Oddly doesn't occur to them to apply themselves and have the same success.

I have noticed that generations swing one way, the next generation goes the other way. can't wait for this to correct.

I agree with Marda and Mamazita, always communicate, consider who your friends are. Even within the younger generation that is considered Gen Me there are still amazing women, find them.

Well first off - Congratulations on your education! That takes a lot of hard work and dedication.

With that being said? I believe that you haven't realized just how much YOU have backed off from relationships because you've been busy with school, work and a family. Not to mention the problems you and your husband are currently experiencing because of your commute and unspoken expectations.

Instead of texting people? Why not reach out and CALL them??

You might not realize what you say to people or how you come off. Take a step back and LISTEN to your conversations? Are you doing all of the talking or do you listen as well?

Your SIL is starting her own company. Do you not understand the level of WORK she needs to put in to make it successful? Come on! Grow up. You sound like some 25 year old who expects people to drop trow when you text and come running. Sorry. NOT gonna happen deary.

You are quick to blame others but easy to make excuses for your behavior. Acquaintances are just that - acquaintances - they aren't someone you call and chat with every day - that's a FRIEND (okay - not every day - but still). So tell us exactly HOW their attitudes have changed?? How often did you interact with these acquaintances?

You expect people to respond to texts immediately? Do you respond immediately or do you finish what you are doing and then get caught up in something else?? be honest. If you respond immediately?? Good for you. Don't expect others to be like you.

You asked if anything similar has happened to me? No. I've got a great support network that I just don't use as much as I should! Even if it's just to bounce ideas off...but when I succeed at something - I feel like I have a cheering section!

Good luck!

Just because 2 things occur at the same time doesn't mean that one caused the other.

You've just been through a big change. To get there, you really had to put a lot of things on the back burner. You were extremely focused on what you had to focus on - your intense studies, the demands of 2 small children, and a part time job.

But other people had lives during those 3.5 years too! Is it possible that you weren't as present as they might have needed? Is it possible that they had to look elsewhere for some support while you were understandably inundated with your responsibilities and deadlines?

What was going on with your SIL during that time? She apparently was working very hard to get necessarily skills and make massive plans to start her own company. She's in this on her own. It's all consuming, and it's a professional and a financial risk. So that's where her focus is. Just because she's not focused on you does not mean that she is jealous of your success. Maybe she doesn't think you have time to support her now? You comment that she doesn't have kids, so does that mean you think her life isn't so hard? Do you feel she doesn't understand what you went through getting an advanced degree and raising kids? Maybe she doesn't think you understand what it's like to start a business.

So she missed a text message. So what? It says a lot that you have leapt to the conclusion that she is jealous or unsupportive of you. You're texting her! If you want to talk to her, make a real, human phone call.

And two acquaintances have found other things to occupy them? How close were you? Probably not very, if you call them "acquaintances." Maybe even because you call them "girls" - perhaps they find that term offensive and a sign of you feeling superior to them. Maybe they think YOU changed, while you think THEY changed. So, if you value their role in your life, reach out and make a phone call. Not a text. That's impersonal, and it says, "I don't have time or desire to talk, but I want credit for making the contact. Ball's in your court now." Maybe that bothers them.

And friendships ebb & flow, people come into our lives and leave our lives sometimes but not because of something anyone did.

It's better to assume there is something you need to do to make a connection than to try to assume reasons why someone else has failed to make a connection with you. If we women put barriers up (I work/you don't, I'm a SAHM/you're not, I got a Ph.D./you didn't...one stereotype after another), we create more divisions and lose the tremendous support that is available if we make the effort.

Congrats on your degree. And congrats on landing a great job.

Kind of funny how you assume its all about you and your success instead of things going on in their lives that are taking up their time and energy.I think maybe you need to stop focusing on yourself and instead focus on the friendship. They might not have gotten the text or they might have looked and through 1) it didn't need a response or 2) were busy and were going to respond later but forgot.

Instead of getting into the why are they ignoring me game how about picking up that phone and actually making a call. If it goes to voicemail then say hi. i was thinking about you and really miss you.

Friendships ebb and flow. Some last forever and some last just a period of time.

No, not at all, my sister, cousin, aunt, friends, fellow moms, MIL, SILs, coworkers, etc. have always been very supportive of my successes. Hell, even my Facebook friends are encouraging and supportive. Sounds like you need some new friends.

The fact that you assume it has to do with your success and not any numbers of things that may be going on in their own lives leads me to wonder if/how you have changed since moving up in the world? Maybe something in your attitude is pushing them away, or maybe they are just busy, as I assume you are as well.

Years ago my friend got a new job and while she would probably tell you that she didn't change at ALL....I am here to tell you that she did. She became really unlikable! So...while she may think that *I* had a different attitude about her, I am telling you that *SHE* had a different attitude about everyone else.
Are you sure it's her? Check yourself. If it's not you and your acquaintances are the ones with the problem, not your problem...there's.

I urge you to talk with them. Use I statements. I'm feel our friendship has changed since I graduated and started work. If they ask for why you feel that way, be sure to not blame. Starting conversations.using I feel, I think.

It's possible that their reaction is related to something else and not your success.
They may have difficulties of their own. Or maybe they feel you have changed. Consider that your life has changed and they need time to figure out how they fit in. I would not assume that that they are jealous.

I have not felt any anything like this in my life.

Maybe it's not about you at all.....?

People tend to gravitate towards those of similar education levels and similar income levels. If one person is make significantly more or less, it tends to make people feel awkward and strains friendships. It's quite possible you haven't done anything "wrong," but it is very possible some people in your life are uncomfortable.

It's also possible that this doesn't have anything to do with you at all. People are busy and have to deal with their own challenges. Have people changed their attitude towards you, or do they have other things going on or more stress in their lives.

Keep in mind that if your SIL is starting her own company, that is likely to be a huge source of stress for her.

The only way you are going to get answers is to reach out to them again.

Why do you think any of this has to do with your new job? Have any of these women actually said it's because of the job? Maybe it's something else completely. Don't jump to conclusions without actually talking to them to find out what's going on.

I have not found that at all. If anything, I have found that women (and especially younger women) often seek me out to ask for career advice, since I'm in a male-dominated field.

I do think that friendships change as you get older though, and you are in the phase where it's hardest to maintain relationships. Everyone is so busy with jobs, kids, etc, that it's easy to lose touch. I can't even imagine starting my own business, your SIL is probably so overwhelmed. Fortunately I have 2 BFFs and although sometimes we go 3-4 months without seeing or even talking/texting because of our crazy schedules, when we do get together, there is no distance between us. So, I suggest that instead of writing friendships off, you give everyone a little grace and change your expectations of what it is to have an adult friendship.

Your SIL might just be really busy.
Running a business is sometimes a lot more work than anyone thinks it's going to be.
In most cases the friends I'd had from past jobs are pretty constant.
This job I have now though - I work with some nice people but some are very insecure and some are high school drop outs.
Every once in awhile you actually do come across a few petty jealous people who really do hate it when someone moves forward.
There's nothing you can do about it.

No, I haven't personally.

My friends were really supportive when I went back to school, as well as my family. And celebrated my successes.

So I can't say I relate to that. I wonder if it's something else - especially where you say it's 3 people. And if your SIL hasn't responded to you and this is all quite sudden, are you sure you haven't done something to rub these ladies the wrong way?

I suggest Marda's approach too - starting with I. That's a good way to approach it. At least ask - it may have nothing to do with your career.

No, I haven't had that experience. Perhaps the distancing in these three relationships is about something else. I would meet with each of them for coffee and check in about the changes you feel are happening in the relationship. Maybe you are doing something that is rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe they are each going through their own struggles that aren't related to you. If the relationships seem worth saving, I would ask.

You've worked hard and it's paid off. All of that committed effort does change you and how you view and interact with the world. Unfortunately, folks who aren't committed to that level of improvement are stuck with the same worldview. It sounds snotty to say, but it's a simple truth.

Also, Julie S. has it right. There are always going to be people who look upon what you have done and wish they had done it. But they hold their wishes in one hand and keep crapping in the other (not actually working for what they're wishing for), shocked at which fill up first.

Nope I haven't experienced this. When I was promoted to HR Manager I can't tell you how many flowers I received from my friends. They all celebrated my success.

Perhaps your SIL is so overwhelmed with starting her company she hasn't come up to breath. Why not pick up the phone and call?? Phones do call people as well as text.

Acquaintances and friends are different. Perhaps they are intimidated that you have a graduate degree. Perhaps they feel you are acting better than them. I have no idea. You didn't really explain their changes in their attitudes. Hard to answer that one.

Bunches of flowers to you Julie S. !

Congratulations on finishing grad school and getting a great job! That's great! I guess most of my closest friends I met in college (and they all went to grad school) or in grad school so we are all kind of the same. Now I'm working part time and taking care of my kids...and I meet a whole mix of women. Some have graduate degrees, some do not, some work, some stay home full time. No one really talks about any of that though...we mostly talk about life, kids, events, plans, news. So I don't have any experience with people being jealous of each other. Everyone seems to busy with their own stuff to worry about someone else's job/degree I guess! Maybe your old friends are just not right for you anymore and you will start connecting with new friends. I guess still reach out now and then and be your usual friendly self...but if they make no effort back there is not much you can do and you should move on.

I had friends that I hung out with when I was a stay-at-home mom with young kids who were also stay-at-home moms with young kids. We were friends because we were at home with the kids and we could get together and have playdates. We all had vastly different educations and had come from different professions, but we all had this one thing in common. As the kids have grown older and we have gone back into the workforce we have all lost contact. The thing we had in common was gone. We just weren't close enough friends to make an effort to stay in contact, we had all moved on to different stages in our lives, made new friends/acquaintances and were too busy to try and keep old relationships going. It wasn't that we didn't enjoy each others company or harboured bad feelings towards each other. It was just time to move on. I would suggest you move on and spend you time with people who are relevant in your life as it is now. The parents of your children's current friends, people you work with, church friends, people you work on committees with etc.

Congratulations! Your hard work is paying off. :-)

It's possible that your success isn't the cause for the recent distance with all three women. You didn't share any examples of attitude to explain why you thought that could be the case, so it is hard to guess.

Sometimes the issue isn't about success but about the change in schedule or circumstance. When a former SAHM friend of mine started working a couple of years ago, she drifted apart from a couple friends that she used to see often. Before her job, they would socialize with each other early on weekdays. With her daytime hours taken up by work, and everyone having family obligations at other times, they no longer had much time to maintain contact.

Water seeks it's own level. YOU rose above them. They are still wallowing in their low pay - low rent lifestyles and you are moving forward with your life.

Congrats -- you did it...!!!!! :-)

I do think different incomes can make people feel less of a connection. But it'd be early for that. You don't say if they're SAHM's or work. If they mostly stay home, likely they figure your schedules will be so different it's just not worth putting in a lot of effort. Most of my friends have similar educational and professional backgrounds so it hasn't been an issue for me. And I'm always careful to downplay my career to most people.

Congrats on your completing school and landing a dream job. Your hard work paid off. I can't really say that I've had the same happen to me, but people can react in odd ways sometimes to the success (and even challenges) of others. Some people are not comfortable relating to those who have have more education, money, etc. you name it - and vice versa. You don't provide details on what happened that made you think their attitudes have changed towards you. Not responding to texts are inconclusive. She likely meant to but got distracted. That happens to me all the time. You should continue your interaction with them as you've always done and until something major occurs, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Enjoy the fruits of your labor!