Why Is It When U Do SO Much ??

Hi J.
Sorry to hear what you are going through....I know exactly what you are talking about!!!!I had my first child at 23, and it seemed like we (my husband and I) had setteled into this routine that most of the house work/childcare...had gone to me....and at first I did not mind it so much....you know play the part of a happy mom, happy wife......but I will tell you, I have been married for 12 years and at times it has been rough! There are a lot of times I question myself on why things are a certain way and it is because I have always done it.....so this just stuck,,,so now trying to change things years later it is hard! I guess what I am trying to say is fix it now!!!! Tell your fiance what YOU want and what YOU need and what YOU expect from him. If you don't things will just "always be" and you won't be happy and we ALL deserve to be happy! Sometimes guys just don't get it,,,they think we like doing everything all the time! I am lucky enough that after my years of bit*****, my husband does more now than he ever did, BUT that took a long time....and like I said before there are still things I would love to change,,,but because it was always "that way" it stuck,,,,so get things "unstuck" and be happy!!

Hi J.. I am a 25 year old single mom of an almost four year old girl. I was married to my daughter's father and felt very similar to how you feel. Tell me more about your fiance... Have you told him you need more help?

Hi J....I haven't been in your situation but my advise would be to listen to your heart and intuition. Do what's best for you and your daughter and I think deep down you know what the answers are. TALK to your fiancee. If that doesn't get you anywhere...depends on the whole relationship. What do you both want out of this? WHat do your REALLY want??? Is he a good father? is it just the housework that bothers you? Because I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old and ALL the housework is my job. Have I mentioned I also work a 40 hour week? But my husband works also and he is the one really bringing the money in!!! So in a way, I am not complaining. I am working full time for the insurance and he works for the paycheck! You can fix this, you have to for the sake of your daughter. What does you hear tell you????

J. it sounds like your trying very hard to make this relationship work. Has the relationship always been a one way street or did it start after the baby came. I find that my relationship is harder to work on with children in the picture but that just means we have to try harder for us time. Try having just one night a month you can get out together to rekindle the flame. If that isn't possible try after she goes to bed just to rent a movie and just hang out together. Try date night and I hope it works for you.

Oh J. I know what you mean. My husband and I are in a tough spot right now. We are 23 with 3 kids. I have no family aorund and not that many friends. He works 12 hour shifts and they switch morning and night. His parents don't do anything and I am always with my 3 kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He'lll come home and complain about how he could get the house clean make dinner ad take care of the kids. I could too if I only had to do it once a week. We are trying to start to sit and talk about why we are upset and offer suggestions to the other on how they might be able to help out more. This works as long as you don't start yelling. I have to work really hard not to yell. I'm not sure I really helped but if you find something that works you got to let me know.

Hi J....

All I'll say is this: Marriage doesn't make things better. It takes the things that you can't stand and magnifies them a million times. If you're not happy now, and you know without a doubt that you're doing all you can, and if there really isn't any work on both sides to make things better, then get out. I was in a situation like yours...stayed for 7 years. I kept thinking things would get better because I loved him. It didn't. It doesn't. It won't. Get out. It won't be easy, but there's no need to waste time on something when both parties aren't willing to work together. Plus, you gotta remember that your child is watching all of this and is taking it all in as a model of what loving relationships should be like. Better for her to see Mommy on her own and happy than with someone, struggling and unhappy.

If you don't take care of you (on every account), no one else will.

R. :)

Hello J.,
I have sort of been in your situation. I met a man who decided to go in the airforce and then we were engaged for 3 years and it felt like it was also one sided and I would work all day and come home clean everything make him dinner and nothing seemed good enough for him.So I decided to move back home and we broke up soon after.Come to find out he was never going to marry me in the first place and just wasnt happy anymore. If you feel like your done its done sweetie. Its hard especially since you have a little one but you can make it.Now I am with an amazing man who shows me love everyday and theres no doubt in my mind that he loves me! Listen to your heart and then follow your mind! Good luck and If you need to chat email me anytime. ____@____.com Sincerly H.

A few years back I ended a relationship that was going nowhere. It was so hard, but he just was not really "there". We had been together for 3 years and 2 months, and ending it was the hardest thing I had ever done.

It was the right thing to do though. My daughters and I were able to move with our lives. I found out who I really am, what I really believe in. I am so much happier now.

This probably doesn't help much, but I just thought that I would let you know that you are not a lone.

Warmest wishes and brightest blessings to you and your daughter.

Dear J., I am sorry that things are the way they are and a change of some kind is needed. I have been in a similar situation and found that I was at fault to a certain degree. I have been in similar situations like yours and over the years I have learned alot from experience and what other women have told me about relationships. These women have all been married over forty years. Some suggestions: before you need to talk about how you feel make sure he is fed. Since men get lonely easily spend time with him as much as you can and get to bed on time. I think we get so busy with our children, the house chores etc. that we don't have time for eachother. Try to remember the things you did when you met that were fun and try to recreate those things. I used to too much and never asked for help. Since I "over-did" I would get over-tired, let my resentment build and then explode. Now I ask for help, in the nicest way possible without being accusatory or nasty. I also spent too much time doing things because I was trying to have everything perfect. I learned later that he was resentful because I did not spend any time with him. Guys get lonely. They need attention. Sometimes I would take to long getting to bed and he would not like that. So try to spend some time on him. Try to talk to him about how you feel after you've fed him. He may be having trouble with work and need some extra lovin'. I would also wait too long to get dinner ready. Now I try to have something ready to eat when he comes home. I have a one year old, have been engaged for just over one year but with the same man for seven years. I do think marriage is a good idea but don't want to get married just for the sake of being married. So, try to improve your relationship and worry about marriage later. If you can't work things oub between the too of you I don't think marriage will help.