Why Is It So Easy to Point Fingers

Many people grew up learning how to "pass the buck" vs owning up to their mistakes. I am kind of glad that I grew up with my older sisters out of the house already because I had to own up to my mistakes, they could blame each other and as adults still often play the blame game.

I think it's because most people aren't as open and honest as you about things like this. They rationalize- the light wasn't red, the other car was speeding, the sun was in my eyes, whatever. When something like that happens, to have someone try to spread blame around angers other people.

The things that can happen in this world are scary, so when we something that may have been preventable we freak out. That is why texting, etc., in the car is such a hot button issue. Accidents like yours could happen to any of us- our minds wander and we get distracted by our own busy lives. But many things are indeed preventable. And sometimes the line between what is preventable and what is truly an accident gets blurry, and out of fear we panic.

Thank God that the other driver and you are ok. I hope more people experience this kind of grace.

I think it is mostly the last sentence in your list of "possible reasons." I, of course, have been guilty of being judgmental at times and you know, its almost ALWAYS when I am trying to justify my OWN shortcoming. Since I have hit age 30 I have taken a step back and realized that I used to judge people a lot. Maybe not out loud but in my mind... and with all of my 30 year old "wisdom" (hahaha) I have finally begun to see the world in a different light... we are all people with our own struggles and we are all just human. It is SO easy to say "oh I would never do that" in regards to just about anything in life, but you know what? Never say never. Before I had kids I was NEVER going to use formula, NEVER going to use a pacifier, NEVER going to let them eat dessert blah blah blah. Now I just giggle when I hear soon to be first time moms making such lists and I don't bat an eye at the mother who is shoving skittles down her kid's throat to get them to be good in the grocery store. We are all just doing the best we can and peoples decisions are just that... THEIRS. Anyone who constantly belittles others or has that "holier than thou attitude" (and there are many one this site!!!) just seems like a miserable person to me.

I work in the area of criminal law so I see the judgmental on a daily basis. For some reason, society has a real problem with accepting that something was purely an accident, and no one is to blame. We feel that people need to be punished for everything. Most of the time I look at people and think "there but for the grace of God go I."

People lack empathy and that's why as a society we want to point fingers and punish people relentlessly. I truly believe empathy is the key.

I don't want to downgrade the experience you had in any way. It was horrible. But I think I know why people are judgemental about this issue.

In my own life, I've had many, many, smaller warnings. There have been moments where I was momentarily thinking about something else and I very NEARLY caused an accident. I LEARNED from those moments...at least, for a long time. Eventually, I'd have another close call and I would be careful again for a long time. If we are honest with ourselves, I believe we ALL get warned again and again.

Every time we see an accident while we are driving. That is a warning. Everytime we hear of a traffic death, that's a warning. Every time we pay our car insurance bill and complain about how high it is, that's another warning. Every time someone almost hits us, cuts us off, or runs us off the road into a shallow ditch, without injury and we can drive back out.... that's yet another warning.

Just how many warnings does a person need in this lifetime?

I'm sorry it happened to you and also thankful the person is okay. But it doesn't stop me from being MAD when people lose their lives because of .... DARE I SAY IT... STUPIDITY!!!

i guess i'm not sure what the question is. has someone said something mean to you over the accident? do you feel it's inappropriate to ever judge someone else over anything?
the cries of 'don't judge!' are understandable but ultimately futile. your remorse over your accident is appropriate and clearly you understand the implications. what about the folks who speed away? or had a baby in the car when it happened? or were driving without insurance? or were a little sorry but not very?
we make value judgements every day. we HAVE to. and because we're human, we also make judgements about people. can it be taken to extremes? of course. but this forum is about questions and advice. there's just no way for it work if participants don't weigh situations, actions, and yes, people, and offer perspectives on them.
sorry you've been bruised by the process. and i agree, sometimes terrible things happen in the blink of an eye, and prudence and foresight don't even factor in.
khairete
S.

I understand your point and get it. I'm just confused because I feel there must be some backstory as to what prompted this post.

In some situations, one person is clearly at fault. I would consider your situations YOUR fault, and no one else. It was stupid. You and everyone else on the road was lucky. Now, I'm not judging you for it. I ran a red light once when I was way too tired to be driving. My fault. In situations where it's complicated, like the school shooting that was brought up today...it's so incomprehensible. People have to assign blame, it seems. I don't understand it, but I understand that's how human's work. People react to those kinds of situations in polarizing ways. They need it to be explained away. It's how human's work. We'll probably never understand. I do know it has very little with people thinking they are perfect.

Judgement is something that is very close to me....I grew up in a small town where everyone spoke about everyone and my family was not different. I grew up thinking this is how everyone is/was....I've never been proud of being a judgemental person, but have tried to get away from it - I have to be VERY aware of my thoughts and get myself away from it when the judgement starts coming up. God gave me the challenge of raising a child with Neurological challenges - aka hidden disabilities - because nothing looks 'wrong' with him I get judged for his at times poor behavior (even from those who are immediate family members who 'know' what challenges we face)........Anyway - it takes regular praying and working on this: to have a thick skin; to realize I don't know others circumstances therefore I should not judge; to have an open mind to others lives; to accept people who maybe I do not understand or who make decisions I wouldn't make.

We handle situations best before we are in them......when faced with that situation we then realize the way we planned to handle may not be the best - or - even possible....

I think in accidents like the child drowning it is less about pointing fingers and more about wanting to believe it will never happen to us. If we can explain what they did wrong then we feel we know how to protect our own kids. I think deep down it is more that we know it could have been us but that scares us so much we want to say no this would have stopped it.

I like to think that no one is intentionally mean. Yes we pull off mean very well but it seems like if you look at what was going on in their minds there is some other reason.

People judge in terms of parents and accidents because there is honest mistakes and blatant carelessness and no one knows the difference because they are not inside your brain.
I also think it is easy to judge because regardless of accident or intention, the same consequenses occur. I guess less of judging per se than word of warning to all others.
not sure if that is where you were going, but that is why I think people do judge in terms where there is a lot at stake (life, limb, health, etc).

I too have run a red light. I pulled out of a corner gas station and just followed the car in front of me who had just made it thru the yellow and cars entering the intersection had to stop to let me through. I was mortified. I too thank God for watching over me and my two babies in the car. I am glad that the officer was understanding. I grew up with a father that would tell me there are no accidents, just carelessness. To this day it irks me because honestly one would have to act as if walking on eggshells to avoid making mistakes and we would die of exhaustion. And yes, my running the red light was 100% my fault for not being totally in the moment and I regret it and have learned from it but "accidents" do happen to all of us! I do love the saying "When you point a finger at someone, remember you have four pointing right back at you!"

People "judge", as you put it, because they can tell themselves 'oh that person was bad/stupid/oblivious, etc.' and I am not bad/stupid/oblivious, etc. so accidents and terrible things (drowning children, vehicular homicide...) won't happen to me. Of course they are wrong but it makes them feel better.

I'm guessing you're referring to my post? If not then just disregard my comment but if so then know that I'm not trying to "judge" anyone. I asked a question about what others thought. What I think is that (in the case of my post) something horrible happened that the kid was responsible for. All these kids (the victims and witnesses) have lost their privacy because of this act. The families that lost kids are bombarded with reporters asking how they're feeling, what they're thinking, etc etc. I stated that in my opinion it's crass for the shooter's family to ask for privacy and make a statement that "he's a good kid". The victims didn't have a say when they lost their privacy why should the shooters family get to ask for it? If you aren't even talking about the post then forgive me :) but if you are then you should understand this is a site about opinions and I'm free to have mine and you are free to disagree :).

"Look at what you made me do"....I get that a lot at home (and not just from the kids, lol). As if I control the actions of others. I have made internal judgments way too often about drivers. I recently had an incident where I was under a great deal of stress at work, had to get a project done and my son called from school sick. I had to leave work to pick him up and bring him to work to finish up the project. As I was going through a green light totally distracted (but still realizing it was green and I had right-of-way), a car ran a red light going 40. I did have enough sense to slam on my brakes and avoid being broadsided.
That was a huge wakeup call about being distracted. The other driver was on his cell phone, but I was just as distracted. We are all at risk of multi-tasking while driving.
I have made many mistakes as a parent as well, so that while I tend to internally be thinking "can't you control your child?" I do outwardly cut people a fair amount of slack, as long as their actions are not impeding mine. I make sure that my child knows that I will let them make mistakes so that they will learn. I believe that accidents happen so that people will learn.
I think of parents (moms especially) as being ducks on a stream - serenely gliding along while under the surface that are paddling like crazy.
Oh, and I love Lucia's comment about the 4 fingers pointing back at you - except my thumb kinda points to the side..... hahaha.