Why Don't They Listen???

Instead of taking away privileges, think about something they might enjoy if they do the chores. Make it a reward when they do their chores, not a punishment.

I would take away EVERYTHING - toys, tv, games, phone, computer - and "forget" to take them to activities that they want to go to - tell them that 'Oh, I forgot you had ballet, singing lessons (whatever) since you forgot to feed the cat/dog/unload the dishwasher." They may get mad and may stomp around the house, but they'll get over it - eventually.

I have 2 12 year olds and they are different as night and day, the boy is rebellious, but he is doing better, and the girl has always been good, but now she is starting to rebel, so this should be interesting here too!

And know that other moms are going through the same things - just take a deep breath, send you to your room for being "bad", and pray! :)

We're an adhd household. Reminders are just as much a part of life as breathing.

I understand what you are going through. I have a 9 year old boy and have to constantly remind him about his chores.

My son is in the 4th grade and I recently realized that it is time to place the responsibility on him and stop reminding him. He and I sat down a wrote a list of his morning responsibilities on a checklist. Every morning he wakes up and follows his checklist. School has been back in session for about 3 weeks and the checklist is working out great. I did the same thing for after school and for bedtime.

The checklist works, because he knows what I expect of him on a daily basis and we do not have a constant battle of "reminding".

Try the checklist... hopefully it will help out for your girls.. Good luck.

Our kids are young (2 and 4), but they have "jobs", and they're expected to do what's asked of them when they're asked.

My first thought is, perhaps, they just don't view you as an authority figure in that regard. Of course, that's based upon not really knowing anything other than what you wrote.

My parents were very authoritarian when we were growing-up, and we had a lot of expectations on us. They established themselves as the "bosses" in the house, and I see my husband and me doing that with our kids, especially when they try to exert their independence.

I can't tell you how to discipline your girls, but I don't think it's fair to make excuses for them either. What I mean is, there are expectations in life. The real world is tough, it's not fair, and you have to do things you really don't like sometimes. The earlier they learn this lesson and the consequences of not following through on things, the better they'll be equipped for the real world.

I do think it's worth you having a conversation with them, understand how they're feeling about having their sister/father gone, and explaining that there are going to be house rules, and the punishment for not obeying the house rules.

The hardest part of being a parent, for me, is realizing that being their friend isn't nearly as important as being their parent. I hate when they cry, but they have life lessons to learn, and it's my responsibility to teach them. I was diagnosed with cancer the day before my son's second birthday and only a few weeks after my daughter's birth. I have no idea whether my cancer will come back, so even as young as they are, I try diligently to make those lessons count each day.

Good luck!

Natural consequences.
Don't feed the animals, then Mom finds new homes for the animals. If you are not willing to do that then take that chore away from them and find another.
Don't unload the dishwasher then when there are no clean dishes they either have to handwash them in order to eat or they don't eat.
Don't pick up their toys the toys go in the trash.
Don't do their homework they fail - and you can have consequences for failing. In my house if grades drop below a B average they can't do outside activities (soccer, gymnastics, etc etc)
If they don't brush their hair they go to school looking ratty. I have this fight with my 6 year old. Finally laid down the law, hair must be clean and well kept - if it's not I'll take her to the salon and it will all be cut off short. if she wants it long she has to be responsible for it.

Sit them down and explain you will no longer fight with them. Outline the natural consequences of their actions, then follow through. That is the most important thing - following through! If you don't you lose all credibility and nothing will change.

FYI - I think they need a LOT more chores. My 6 & 8 year olds are responsible for cleaning their rooms, feeding the dog, bringing their laundry to the wash, putting away their clean clothes (I fold them), emptying the trash, wiping the table after meals, rinsing their dishes after meals, and matching all of their own socks.

Jane Nelsen colleague, Lynn Lott, has a book called "Chores without Wars". I love "How to Talk so Kids will Listen". With my son, who is younger, we do things together. Sometimes I will prep it with "we're going to do such and such. No whining. No sidetracks either. Lets get it done fast & then we can do such and such (which is fun to him)"

You have my untmost sympathies for the frustration. Keep looking for a solution!!

Updated

Jane Nelsen's colleague, Lynn Lott, has a book called "Chores without Wars". I love "How to Talk so Kids will Listen". With my son, who is younger, we do things together. Sometimes I will prep it with "we're going to do such and such. No whining. No sidetracks either. Lets get it done fast & then we can do such and such (which is fun to him)"

You have my untmost sympathies for the frustration. Keep looking for a solution!!

I feel your frustration! For 10 year olds, maybe it's a control thing. Maybe they don't like feeding the cat but they like helping with laundry. Ya know?

I'm wondering if it might help to say to them something like this...

Hey girls. Mommy feels frustrated, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I feel tired of asking for help. I imagine you feel tired of hearing me ask about your chores. Do you feel frustrated when I ask about your chores? (They are going to say yes.) Then you say "Me too. The thing is, there are certain things that have to be done around the house each day/week. Do you have any suggestions about what we can do?"

As you're talking to them, maybe write out a list of the things that need to be done and let them pick the things they would like to do. Ask them to do X number of things each week. Depending on how it goes, you can keep the schedule for awhile or ask them how often they want to switch it up (every week or every two weeks or every month). Whatever works for your house.

As for the not brushing teeth and hair, they are ten and girls. I might let that go and let them figure out on their own that clean teeth and brushed hair are important. I imagine that will resolve itself pretty quickly. Make sure they see you brushing your teeth and combing your hair, but don't say anything to them. I'm willing to bet that as soon as you stop telling them to do it, they will start doing it.

And finally, whenever they help, be sure to praise them. Notice when they put that napkin in the trash or pick up a sock from the floor. Tell them thank you as often as possible. When I stop focusing on the negative (or what my kids aren't doing), I miss the positive (what they are doing).

I know this sounds utterly simplistic but it's not. It takes effort AND giving up control of the outcome. Our job as parents is to guide our kids and slowly allow them to be in control of their own lives.

You can do this!! I hope this helps! S.

Hi B.,

First, in my opinion is the age.....Second, you allowed the situation since they were younger, and now it is more difficult because the kids are older and realized that they can fin a way to control the situation. I know it is not easy at all, just start right now, set the rules and stick to them, if they don't want to do their chores or just the basic grooming, take some privileges away for the time they are not cooperating which will be for a long time. I mean do not take back their privileges as soon as they cooperate, wait until is a pattern, and let them know how it will be. Stick to your rules.
Good luck!

The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, has turned around some confounding and even scary behavior in a number of young families I've recommended the book to. It offers real-life-tested techniques that work. This is my all-time favorite parenting book, and I use the method with my grandson to fabulous effect. You can start applying the principles immediately as you read each chapter. Prepare to be impressed!

Something that may help is a token econemy. There is a great strategy from Dr. Russel Barkely (it is a strategy for kids with ADHD) but would work for any difficult child. I have an article about it, I will see if I can find it and send it to you, but you can probably google him, and look for it too. It may be printed in one of his books.

Good luck,

M.

There has to be more to that story of your husband leaving other than that sorry excuse that your girls don't do chores, hmm!

Anyway, kids these days seem to have more stress in school, that having to remember to do chores (the less desirable) isn't something they enjoy.

Have you tried changing the chores they do to be something more rewarding or productive?

If you harass them everyday, they can tune you out..After a while it becomes mommy nagging me. If you REMIND them, it might go over a bit better. Good luck.