Why Do People Judge Other Peoples Pain?

If you can breastfeed - great.
If you can't or don't want to - there are other feeding options.
Do I care who does what?
Not at all.
What ever works for you is fine by me.
I breast fed for as long as I could (5 months) then formula fed the rest of the way when my supply gave out - my child is very happy and healthy.
Some women are just 'proud proud proud to be a cow' (Thanks, Sesame Street!) and seem to get a bit 'bossy' about it.
An opinion given when unasked for is just a lot of blowing hot air.

I feel for you !!! My mom has Fibro in addition to 'other conditions' :-( EVERYDAY, Pretty much Every Moment of the day she is in pain! KILLS me that she has to live like this......... She is only 54 years old and has been this way for about 11 years. (she works Full Time and has worked a second job when she wanted extra $, She NEVER complains to people or Moans about anything, my Mother is a Saint)
People Do NOT understand what it is or does, those who have Never had the pain themselves OR seen up close and personal what it does to someone they Love :-( Its a Terrible Nasty condition and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Smile :-) Not Everyone Sucks ! LOL

I am a nurse, and we are taught that pain is what the patient says it is. I am a true believer that people gauge their own pain in relation to what the worst pain of their life was. My husband had his appendix out last June and post operation he was saying he was a ten out of ten for pain. Being a nurse who has worked with many many post op patients i knew in my head that he was not a ten.....but i let him believe he was bc he felt he was. Around came November and he ended up with an intestinal blockage...of butternut squash....go figure. In any case they opened him up with a 12 inch incision. He said then, that his appendix surgery was pale in comparison. So now he has a new 10 for pain rating.

It is hard to be in 'invisible' pain. Post partum with my first i started having incredible all over body pain that I still technically have over three years later. None of my doctors did anything about it, including three different rhemotologists. Finally (too long of a story) a doctor put me on cymbalta which helped me immensely. I feel alive again.

Perhaps (if you haven't) you should seek out a new doctor that can really help you.

And as far as breastfeeding, I hate breastfeeding nazi's. I formula fed my first and breast and bottled my second. To each his own. Seriously...mind your business about other people's breasts. I wonder if those same people give their children three square meals a day when they can eat. Because if they don't, they should be shunned too.

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People judge because they lack the insight of having experienced it for themselves, so they have a difficult time taking other people's point of view.
I would try not to be so offended about the dad's actions, as even though he might know you have Fibromyalgia, he probably doesn't have the foggiest idea of what it encompasses. I have read a ton about it in my hubby's medical journals, but even from casually studying it, I would not have enough knowledge to judge the capabilities of someone afflicted with it. You did the right thing by telling him that you could not hold his son, but perhaps if he was irritated there might have been something in your tone or body language.

I also could not breastfeed. Regardless of what some Nursing Nazis try to say, NOT every woman's body produces enough milk, regardless of how hard she tries. Some women have mammary hypoplasia (not enough mammary tissue) so that their bodies will NEVER be capable of producing enough. Even though I tell some moms this, and they can research it for themselves, they just don't believe it. They tell me that if I tried harder I could do it. Ummm....ok. I'll just disregard their persistant ignorance and get on with my life.

** ETA** a 50 lb 3 year old is ridiculously heavy! I am a VERY strong woman, but even picking up my 44 lb 4.5 yr old can cause back problems for me that require me to go to my chiropractor. It is not reasonable to expect every child care giver to be able to lift a 50 lb child. Caregivers are not working for UPS!

I understand completely. I've had chronic pain since 1999. I was on a walker for a year and a cane for 6 or 7 years. I have had 2 fusions and one diskectomy. I have pain 24/7 in my back, buttocks, and left leg. I have pain at least half the time in my right leg and left foot.
Chronic pain causes depression in 80% of people. I went through a depression for years before I got help. Unfortunately depression causes pain to get worse and worsening pain makes you feel more depressed. I do feel better than I did while I was depressed. It took me a very long time to realize and accept that I was depressed. I had to take an anti-depressent for about a year before I could stop taking it because I felt better. It does take some time to start working and one medicine might help but another one may help much more. I would talk to your pain doctor and if you don't have one then get one that specializes in nerve pain.
I'm sorry if I'm off base here but if someone could have helped me get help sooner for depression I wouldn't have suffered as intensely for so long. I learned to make choices on whether to do something I shouldn't do because it will hurt and the amount of fun or enjoyment I will get from it. I've learned that without the bad days I wouldn't appreciate the good days so much.
If you want to private message me please feel free. You never know what kind of tips and tricks you can learn from someone in your situation. Sometimes its just nice to talk to someone who "gets it" too.

Hi SLM, pain is very isolating and oppressive. No one can FEEL your pain like you do, so no one can UNDERSTAND it either.

If I could, I would gladly take your pain on myself, if only for you to have just one day of relief.

Thinking about you, please be kind to yourself.

:(

I 100% agree with you. I can't stand breast-feeding nazis. Get a life! If you choose to breast feed your baby, great! If not, great! To each his own.

S.L.M....I feel for you!!!!!!!!!!! My mother has Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Degenerative Disk Disease, Arthritis and is coming up on having to have her hip replaced, and had her knee replaced a few years back. She is in constant non stop pain. Sometimes when she stands up from the couch she has to stand there for a minute until she can get herself to move, and once she does she limps so bad. Just because people dont "look sick" doesnt mean they arent. I am so sorry you are having to deal with the pain. It is such a struggle. My mom cant take the vicodin her doc prescribed because she gets addicted to it so she has to learn to manage it by trying to stay active on the days she can get around and learning that some days she just cant and has to be in a wheel chair that day. she takes different meds to help take the edge off of the pain, but nothing makes it go away. I cannot imaging having to deal with that day to day. And for the dad to tell you that you need to take his son, why couldnt he have carried him??? or like you said, the child was fine to walk in himself especially if he was awake and not sleeping. No one else know what we go through, especially if we have to hide our pain so as not to "make others uncomfortable" Right now I have a horrible double ear infection, hurts really bad, even making my teeth and throat hurt. i have to put on my happy face though if i have to go out to the store etc....pain is pain and no matter who we are or what we are going through if you are hurting that sucks. no one should judge your pain or say your pain is lesser or blah blah blah.....people make me so mad sometimes.

***EDIT****
wow, these women are completely clueless!!!!! must be nice to never have to deal with any issues that are in any way uncomfortable or painfull. ignore the haters!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the booby brigade, I LOVE THAT TERM!!!! while we all know "breast is best" it is not always feasible, possible or tolerable. people who have never had to really deal with pain will never understand and will always be cruel and demeaning. Nursing Nazi's I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

My best friends has this disease and I see what it does to her. My other friends has MS and is in constant pain. I marvel at both of these ladies will to have a "normal" life. They don't complain or use it to get their way. It is a way of life for them. Chronic pain isn't just the feeling of pain it also has a mental draining affect as well. You are commended for your "can do" attitude.

I don't think the dad was insensitive. He probably didn't realize you were hurting. Sometimes drugs are not a bad idea.

Just from what you wrote it doesn't sound like Dad is irritated with you. He may have made a grunt ot whatever, but it's also possible that he was irritated with the situation too...as in he's trying to get to work, the kid is still sleepy and grumpy he decides to just carry him and cut his lossess, etc. etc. I doubt he's giving the interaction with you one further thought, even if he felt irritated about it then...and yes a 50lb 3 y/o??? That would put me in a bad mood.

Fibromyalgia is a confusing and paintful disease. I've known others who have suffered and felt the same way as you. I hope that you are feeling better after venting and I really wouldn't let the breastfeeding comment get you down. There are lots of closed minded people out there, and not just about breastfeeding! ;) I would though make sure that your clients know about your condition that way you are operating on a level playing field. If they know your situation then they can be more understanding or concerned when you need to cut back on the physical stuff.

I also suffer with Fibromyalgia. Most people have never heard of it. Those that have heard of it don't understand what it is. Some that have heard of it have doctors that have told them that it's not a real condition and is "all in your head" or a catch all phrase for "we don't know why this person is really in pain."

We know differently.

I've had progressive symptoms since I was a teenager that worsened dramatically with each of my retail jobs, but nothing worsened my symptoms worse than pregnancy. Injuries after pregnancy healed, but never have felt healed. Weight loss has never been more difficult. I have gastric problems thanks to the fibro. It affects my immune system and was one of the first signs that I had fibro as a teen and 20-something.

It's only been recently that I was officially diagnosed and it all explains so much. You know that what you're doing is right for you and your family. A healthy mother in mind and body is what makes for healthy children as well. We're not supposed to be so completely selfless that we let ourselves go to ruin.

I'm sorry that people have beaten you up about this. Although I BFed my daughter and do think it is the best, if you can do it...not everyone can. You do the best that you can as a mother. I am in chronic pain as well and it's hard to not be able to do everything and to get tired of saying "I can't, my back hurts, my neck hurts, etc." My dd has heard me so much say that since she wants to make me a human jungle gym, that she says her back hurts. I'm with you in that this has been probably 30 years of pain and I am only 32! I don't remember a time without pain, so I can really feel for you. I'm impressed that you can run a daycare with Fibro...it's hard enough to get through a day without carrying kids and dealing with all those responsibilities. Good for you. Don't let people get to you.

Hi,

I have chronic pain and I totally get what you are saying. The reason people judge is they just dont understand. They can try to understand, and the way they do it is undermining our pain or saying its not that bad because it makes THEM uncomfortable. They don't know what to do. They want to fix it for us but they can't so they say something idiotic or stupid that offends us but makes them feel better because they just don't get it. The only helpful advice I have for you is to let your daycare parents know how you are doing EACH day. Some parents are oblivious to the fact that someone else may be having a bad day or in extreme pain etc.---they just have the agenda that they are going to drop of their kid, they love you and they know you will take good care of their kid. But the problem is that the personalization and caring part of interactions have been replaced by emails, text messaging and notes. Not as many people look people dead in the eye and say " HOW are you doing??? and MEAN it. They say it but they really don't care to know. So, maybe you could write on a little chalk board with happy,sad and other faces for your day care kids and PARENTS that states: Ms. M is doing good today with a scale of pain at 3. She is able to pick you up today and hold you extras. Or something like that. OR Ms. M is very upset today because she is in alot of pain at a level 10. She will not be able to do any extras today--today is a movie day.

I hope that this helps, but what I have found is to get sensitivity about your diagnosis and condition, you have to a. tell people you have chronic pain b. tell them that means you are in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week. c. your limitations d. what they can do to help you e. your expectations of them

Best wishes and hang in there. I know how tough it is.

M

It's funny how it seems that parenting is one of those subjects that everyone seems feel perfectly fine giving their .02 on.

My opinion, is, that people judge due to a lack of knowledge, sometimes intentional, sometimes not. I also think people judge because they are insecure & unhappy within themselves & it makes them feel better to make someone else feel bad.

I think that we are all moms, just trying to do our best, with our family, our kids, our own set of struggles. Why we can't be more supportive & compassionate with one another is really saddening.

There are million reasons why and it's our human nature to defend ourselves.
I had a miserable time breastfeeding. I have a condition that affects 1% of breastfeeding women and it causes excruciating pain, not only while the baby is sucking, but all the time. It only subsides when I stop breastfeeding all together. I breastfed my son for 11 months and my daughter for 15 months, in horrible pain the whole time. The kicker is that I didn't have enough milk and had to supplement with formula.
Pro breastfeeding advocates never saw the extreme effort that I put into breastfeeding, they only saw the formula supplementation part. They had no idea how much work I dedicated to breastfeeding.

You know what? It doesn't matter anymore! I don't care what other people think! But my pain was NEVER in vain. I did it for my baby and my pain and "failure" to produce enough milk made me compassionate toward other people and it freed me from judging people in ANY breastfeeding situation.

You can't control what other people think, but you can live free of judgement. If people want to judge, let their judgement infect THEM, not you. And please don't assume that people are automatically judging you. There are some wonderful people out there who *know* they don't understand your pain and have great compassion.

When people hear about others pain and sores they compare it to their own pain and recovery time. Sometimes it is just hard to understand how someone is in constant pain and never gets better.

Ooh, you sound grouchy! Pain will most definitely do that to a person, but who are you actually angry with?

Thankfully, I do not have any sort of issues that cause me constant pain. For years my pain gauge was my shattered ankle because it was the worst pain I'd ever known. After that my gauge was childbirth of a 9 1/2 pound baby. That one stuck for quite a long while until I needed a root canal. I have insurance, but the co-pay was still over $700 & we just didn't have it so I let it go for as long as I could possibly stand it which was several months of constant throbbing in-your-face (literally) pain that just wouldn't ebb & I couldn't get away from. Eventually I borrowed the money from my mother after I had ended up with an abscess & it just couldn't be let go any longer.

Leading up to that I was NOT a happy camper, but I still carried on & didn't expect other people to understand my pain. Honestly, some people have a higher pain tolerance (I'm one of them) and some have just never had to experience many physically painful situations, bless them. You said it yourself: pain is not equal for everyone.

So again, I ask: who are you actually angry with & why? You're angry at people from years ago telling you that you should have breastfed? Who cares what other people tell you to do! Are you angry at the Dad this morning? You know you handled it appropriately, but I absolutely do NOT think he was acting as though pain isn't real for you just because he asked you to hold his child (whether it was actually necessary at the time or not)who will, I'm assuming, be in your care for the entire day & therefore you should be able to handle holding him in my opinion.

Make sure all of your clients *know* about your disease and it's limitations, for sure!

As for the BF crazies--(like all crazies) let it roll off your back....we all do what's best for us.

I *chose* NOT to BF, so I know what you mean. It was not for me. Therefore, it was not *best* for us.

After reading your post, I'm not sure how that dad was being insensitive? Even if he knows you suffer from Fibromyalgia, he may not realize that you carrying a 6 year old is too much for you. I understand that people don't realize you are "sick" or in pain all the time because you look healthy, but don't get upset with him...take it as a compliment that he's not treating you as a "sick" person because you don't act it or look like it!

Oh my .....after reading your SO WHAT HAPPENED, I think you are having a rough day. I beg to differ that a "3 year old child NEVER NEEDS to be carried. " My 3 year old daughter falls asleep in the car often and needs to be carried in and laid back down. When she falls and skins her knee (as 3 year olds often do) she deserves/needs to be carried. When she needs loving and comfort for no good reason at all and asks me to hold her, she needs to be held. If this particular child went back to sleep, then yes he was tired otherwise he'd be bouncing off the walls at 5:00 am. The father wasn't out of line to ask you to take him, afterall he is putting his child in your care.
We all have bad days, pain is real and so is suffering. I will pray that your day and back are better soon.

I agree! some people on here are way too judgmental. Yes we are looking for answers and peoples opinions but there is a way called constructive criticism. I for one work FT, tried breastfeeding my 1st child but not my second and im sure have many other quirks that would just irritate the heck out of others.

I could have wrote this post myself in a former time of my life. No, I don't have fibro... but I struggled with infertility which led to depression and a lot of people had a lot to say about that. Mostly my 'well meaning friends thought I needed to get over it! Through my pain, I learned several things. First, I learned better how to extend grace to others even when I can't relate. Secondly, I learned that pain hurts no matter where it's felt in the body. It's really silly to ask does a stomach ache hurt worse than a sore throat. The sme is true when comparing different illnesses whether physical or emotional. When a person is hurting, I can relate. And lastly, God showed me when I felt all alone in my pain that HE sees me. He knows the truth about you. He knows the origin, the depth and the genuineness of your pain. What HE KNOWS counts for more than what OTHERS THINK. This knowledge gave me so much peace and so much strength. I hope it will do the same for you!