Why? - Morrisville,PA

Why would you assume that he would know you wanted a hug while he was in the middle of playing video with the kids. If you wanted a hug, just go hug him!

You have to be more direct with most men.

"Hey honey, can you give me a hug?"

Don't just block the Wii, hoping he'll get the point. Hey, I've been working on my husband for almost 20 years, and he's only finally starting to learn a few things.

Unfortunately, if his mother didn't teach him how to take care of a female, then you'll have to do it. Just know you're not alone.

From my own experience in my relationship with my husband, whom I've been together with since he was a 16 year old immature boy, is you get what you give. If you neglect the proper "care and feeding of your husband" (a popular book title from a book I have not yet read), he in turn, will tend to neglect you. It's not a conscious thing, a tit for tat, so to speak... but instead a sad and slow drifting apart.

In all the years we've been together, this has happened to us a couple of times. All it takes is for one person to recognize that the relationship is drifting and for that one person to make an effort to pull it back into alignment and the other will flip like a magnet and the two will snap back together as if they had never come apart.

Instead of externally looking at him and in not so many words asking "what have you done for me lately?" or "Why won't he love me, appreciate me or be kind to me?" try and find ways to love him, appreciate him and be kind to him. Standing in front of his game while he's trying to play with the kids is in no way shape or form a kindness to him. It's you, passively aggressively demanding him to attend to your needs, right then and there.

Now I don't know if this works for everyone and it could be a "your millage may vary" sort of situation, but when I'm feeling unloved, or slightly neglected I think about something I can do for my husband that will make HIM happy, and I go do that. I walk into whatever room he's in and ask him if there's anything he wants. A drink? A favorite snack? If the room is cold and I go to get socks for myself, I check to see if he's comfortable too. I'll get him a throw blanket or a pair of socks for him without having to be asked. In doing this, more often than not, he'll catch my wrist as I'm walking away and pull me to him. He'll give me a kiss and tell me how much he loves me and appreciates the little things I do.

If you make his life happy and comfortable, he will make your life happy and comfortable too... but since I don't know either of you, you both could be oblivious to the needs of the other and in need of a third party to help guide you to a state where you will become more aware of how to comfort and please each other.

Here is my two cents but I can't sugar coat it. Women tend to bash men's communication skills while at the same time questioning why they didn't know what they wanted. Expecting anyone to just know what you need is not communicating either.

If I were fighting with Troy, which I never would cause we don't fight, we communicate, and he went and stood between the kids and I while we were playing the Wii I would think he was being passive aggressive as well. I would also not recommend starting something in front of the kids. Regardless of your intent it should have been obvious to you he could react the way he did. You yourself said can't he make the first move at least one a year.

I could be wrong, I only have your limited words to go by. Still if this post is any indication you both need to work on your communication skills.

Oh and read Nicole's advice, very good.

Blocking the Wii is what would be called passive-agressive behavior. It's not going to get an adult response, because it's not an adult approach.

You and your hunny have some serious issues that could be helped by counseling. If he won't go, you can still make some great progress on your own. You will gain clarity about your issues, learn some new communication skills, and understand better what works and what doesn't in a relationship. You'll learn to better recognize your legitimate needs, and how to make them known without looking like you're 'starting something.'

If your guy cares about you, he will like the changes, and will probably change accordingly. At least a bit. If he's already written you off as childish or selfish or whatever, he may not respond, or be very slow to respond.

Don't wait. You have work to do. Do it for yourself, and for your kids.

Counseling would help the both of you. If he won't go, it will help you if you go by yourself.

Check out the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". We really can act and communicate so differently that it's like we're from other planets. He is NOT you, he is NOT a woman, he is NOT a mindreader.

By blocking the Wii, you WERE trying to start something - just not what he thought. Why would he hug you for standing in front of the TV? I understand that you need something, but neither of you are communicating or understanding each other.

Good luck

I can't imagine why, after all you've written that he's said and done, you would think he would want to hug you when he's in the middle of a game with the kids. Seems like an inopportune time to look for a hug. And if he did hug you, does that mean everything is ok? No. It's time for you to look into some marriage counseling or you'll be miserable the rest of your life.

your timing was clearly off & blocking the game of someone who loves games, is a bad choice. Of course he thinks you were trying to start something, and really, werent you? Im sure you realize that behavior is annoying... why not wait for him to get up, or offer him something in the kitche, or whatever, and then hug him.. TELL him you NEED a hug, but not by interrupting him.. guys can be clueless.

Boys and men are separated only by chronological age and income. He was in the middle of a video game. He's 12 again. Don't expect to win with that tactic. Equate it to him blowing into the nail salon in the midst of your pedicure while you're reading the latest People and saying, I can't believe you won't get up out of that foot tub right now and look at these paint samples with me, you know how important it is to me. Sounds ridiculous but so is the state of the man's brain during a video game. Try another time!

Sorry you are so unhappy. In my opinion you are not handling this right. You don't go block the Wii in order to try to get him to give you a hug. He can't read your mind. I would have no idea that is what you wanted. Anyway, good luck communicating better with your guy and I hope things get better for you.

Give him love, appreciation and kindness so he'll learn from you.

He sounds clueless.
And I guarantee you he has forgotten the comment that has your blood boiling. That's not how a man's mind works. I think you should be more direct.

It sounds like your timing might be off a bit. He's busy with something else, and most guys don't like to be bothered (especially when they're playing a video game). I know, you can probably try at the best of times (and work really hard to find those "best times") and still get nothing.

Until you're ready to communicate with your husband things aren't going to change. Yes, you don't like trying to communicate, and his skills aren't great. But things won't change if you don't talk.

I agree with some of the other posts. Counseling would probably benefit both of you.

Some men just won't make the first move... It's a pride thing. If you want to make it better, you're going to have to do it!

The best time to tell him how you are feeling is before he leaves for work. So he has time to think. From reading your other post it sounds like you are just not sure about how to talk to him.

Keep your tone neutral. Ask things in a form of a question---to get his opinion. If he gets mad it is very easy to apologize and point out it involves his life and home as well. You just want to be on the same page.
Being a wife will many many times mean learning how to be a diplomat/problem solver.
You are doing a great job.

I know my husband has lost his temper and has asked if I want to switch places sometimes. My immediate response is YES.
Tell him want you want to hear from him and what you want from him. There is no hinting but again you want to talk in a non threatening tone and maybe even act a little shy about it.
We wives absolutely need to have perfect timing for things.
Gosh knows we all get an ear full when we don't. Just make sure you apologize for your bad timing that will soften him up and you are leading by example. You want an apology from him you need to be able to give him one. Even if it isn't something you would typically apologize for. Plus you kids see and hear everything. If anything do it for your kids so they may see how to treat a person with respect.

HUGS!!!

Hi, C.:
Ask him for what you need. D.

This is a really great book!- I think it might help :)

http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversati...