While Dad's Away

A. -

If you're clinically depressed, please seek professional help and ensure you have great backup to be with your son while you are dealing with depression. He is missing his father as much as you are missing your husband. And, he probably tires of you as much as you tire of him, especially if you're sad. So, do yourselves both a favor and bring in some fresh, happy energetic baby-sitting so you both get a break! Hire a junior high/high schooler to come over for an hour or two after school every day.

When I went through a divorce, I had a very hard time dealing with the loss. My son was 4. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried and cried....finally, she said, "Bring that child here for 1 week. Take that week and get all your crying out. Then pull yourself together because you chose to have a son, and he needs you now more than ever."

Albeit a little harsh to hear at the time, it was the best advice I could have gotten. I needed a break to grieve without my son there, but I also needed a kick in the rear to remember that he was relying solely on me to be there for him, and he wasn't the adult, I was.

Just wanted to reiterate that if you're super sad/clinically depressed, you get the help and support you need, but also ensure that you're providing the same support for your son.

I hope the best for your family.

Hi A.,
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I'm really thinking that your situation is probably bigger than the moms here can help you with. It sounds like you could really use a professional to talk to. You seem really overwhelmed, with good reason. Or maybe you just need a reliable babysitter so you can have some time to yourself. Having your wisdom teeth out is no way to get a vacation! If you can afford it, I'd suggest getting a sitter and making sure you take care of yourself. Get a pedicure, sit at Starbucks and read a book. Just get some time to yourself. Hang in there!

I agree with JS that it sounds like you need some time for yourself. I had to read your post a few times to see exactly what you're venting about because you're kind of all over the place (which is what we do when we vent :}).

I've had my wisdom teeth removed, and while it's not a picnic, I don't think you need someone to take care of you. There can be quite a bit of pain sometimes, so you'll probably have to take some pain pills that make you a bit drowsy, so a babysitter or maybe help from grandma for your son wouldn't be a bad idea, but it's not something you can't handle on your own.

One of the things that struck me was that you never mentioned relief over your husband getting through a brain tumor. I am sure you were happy and relieved, but I'm pointing this out because it sounds like you never had a chance to grieve or "destress" from that situation and then off he went back to work.

The fact that you have a prescription for Xanax tells me that you are dealing with anxiety and stress for some time now. If it's been prescribed for you, that is something you need to be taking. There is no excuse for neglecting it. I don't know if it was a general doctor or a therapist of some kind, but it might help you to see that person so that they can be aware of what you're going through and make sure your health isn't suffering.

We all have hectic times in our lives that makes things hard for us, but we are responsible for taking charge of how we react to them, which isn't always easy to do. It sounds like you're kind of alone, so that has to make things even tougher for you.

In the end it sounds like you really know the things you need to do, but for some reason you won't. You need to figure that out and overcome what's holding you back so that you can get back to being happy and having a sense of control in your life.

Good luck, and if you do nothing else, please take your Xanax like you're supposed to.

Hi A.,

You've been through a lot. I see in your update that the worst time is when you're finally alone at night. That is hard. You're used to going, going, going, and then it all stops. It's quiet. And though you told yourself this morning you couldn't wait for that quiet moment to arrive, it doesn't feel right....suddenly it's just you. And there's a lot to think about. A lot to keep you up at night. It's suddenly not the time you looked forward to, but a lonely, depressing time. Busy is what you know best. Busy is what makes you feel alive, but then you're not....and your mind can wander off (more like race) to anything just to keep going - leaving you not just alone, but suddenly in a state of stress, anxiety, and panic before you know it. And you know it will happen, but you haven't found the exact starting point. If you knew it, maybe you could stop it. Here is my very basic suggestion. Since you know what general time you're most likely going to have these issues (after your son is in bed), try to plan something - in advance - for yourself in that time. I write my "thing" down - because if it's on my to do list, it WILL get done; otherwise, it's just one more thing I wish I had time for. I'm not saying you should clean the bathroom or do laundry, but do something you actually enjoy. If it's reading, get a book you can't put down. If you like movies, rent them and watch them. Start a journal. Email yourself. Really - be your own friend. Type it out as if you've got an interactive journal and email it to your own darn self. Read it later or don't, but get it all out now & then. If you're crafty, set aside an hour or so to do your craft or try a new hobby - make jewelry, make cards, scrapbook, etc. If you enjoy baking or cooking, plan a meal - or make a treat to share! If you just need to relax, turn on some music and take a bath. Exercise might help a lot - even though you're probably dead tired then. Do a video, walk up & down the stairs for 10 minutes, if you have equipment, use it! Try to do something that fills your time and makes you happy, even if it takes a little effort or if you have to actually force yourself at first. Yes, it's designed to be a distraction, but it also might be the start of a healthy new habit. It'll get you to be more comfortable with yourself when you're alone. That's something we take for granted. Sure, we like ourselves and people like us, but at the end of the day, we can feel a bit lost. Who are we again? Mom? As mothers, working or not, we have so many demands and expectations placed on us to begin with, but the ones we put on ourselves on TOP of those can be enough to completely break us down at some point. In addition to all of that, you've had very REAL and serious things happen in your life recently that were completely out of your control. I'm sure it can feel like you're on a downward spiral at times. Dig your heels in and decide to stop. You are worth it. Your son is worth it. Your husband is worth it. But you have to do it. And you CAN do it. It just takes a plan. And it's that first step that is so important, yet so hard to take. You're lucky to have an outlet - be it this or friends - to turn to, but at the end of the day, it might just be you that you're left with. Please make a commitment to yourself. You will never regret it. :)

After such a traumatic time it's no wonder you feel the need to be taken care of. Although you are on the 'other side' of this challenging experience it sounds like you have a lot of unexpressed fear, sadness & anger. Pent-up emotions will often find their way out through physical or mental discomfort. You may have developed a habit of feeling anxious as a result of your husbands health crisis. Since medication is a temporary solution you may want to consider consulting with a certified hypnotist or therapist who uses hypnosis. Hypnosis is an effective tool for releasing unwanted habits, managing stress and clearing emotions. Once you learn these simple yet powerful techniques (about 3 sessions) you will be able to use them for other issues and even teach them to your son. Listen to what your body/mind is telling you and allow someone to 'take care of you' by helping you let go of anxiety to move forward and enjoy your blessings.
Wishing you peace & wellness.

Being a military wife, I can totally relate to your loneliness. The best thing to do is keep yourself busy, get a hobby, something you can include your child in. You could take him for walks, to the library, go shopping or just window shopping. The most important thing is to get out of the house. You can make yourself more and more gloomy just sitting in the house thinking about what you would be doing if your husband was home. That's not a bad thing to do, but don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You've gotta have a life too, and you can do that with your child. Also, you could try to think of things to do when he gets back to make that time you have together more meaningful so that you can look forward to doing such things again and again. Stay sociable and just mostly out of the house and active and I know you'll be okay! Good Luck!

A.,

You sound like a dear, wonderful person who is gentuinely in pain emotionally.

You said your husband is away traveling for work, but I also heard that you wished he would come home to take care of you. I believe that by traveling (and working) he is, in fact, taking care of you. I hope you will be able to come to terms with that at some point - if he continues to have to travel for work or you will be unhappy for a long time.

Please be gentle and patient with yourself and don't stop calling your friends, they really don't want you to stop calling, they are probably just busy with their own families and their own dramas.

Try taking your little guy out to visit your friends and getting involved with whatever they have going on - even if it sounds like a silly idea, once you start putting yourself into motion you might really feel better. Talking on the phone doesn't always cut it when you are truly hurting - it causes you to stay focused on your own pain instead of interacting with others and whatever their current interests, activities or needs are.

I have been alone (a single Mom for years) before I met my husband, so I do know what it's like and nothing anyone can do or say can change it or make you feel any better - only you can, you are the only one with the power to change how you feel.

Xanax is a great drug for certain situations - Have you felt better since you started taking it? If not, please talk with your doctor or counselor right away - you could be having a reaction to it.

I read this quote today, and maybe you can find some comfort in it.

"I make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go". - unknown

hugging you,

W.

(HUGS) to you. I agree, take that medicine and try to talk to your dr. or a professional if you can. I am glad that you felt this could be a good outlet for venting, I agree that it is. It's healthy and we're all here to be supportive. I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through all of this, life has it's curveballs, but it's how you handle them. You can do it. Please keep us posted, hopefully May will be here before you know it, we all get lonely sometimes (HUGS).