I am having struggles with my 7 1/2 year old. I am not sure it is a big problem, however I see glimpses of teenagehood that scares me now and I am really having a hard time with this one.
She is sweet, very compassionate, a great kid, smart and does well in school, however...there is a huge issue of her mouth, her stomping her foot when she doesn't like my answers, her little statements like "you always say no" "that's not fair", "you love him more then me" (coming about due to me having some higher expectations for her then her 4 year old brother, or even "I wish I lived with daddy". I have no idea how to respond to this anymore.
She has had some bumpy roads in the past four years: Her dad moving out of state, the divorce, her dad's visits lessening, her being younger for a second grader, us moving soon (staying in the same area), finding out her dad was married before and she has two half sisters (just had to share this with her).
She is very emotional about things good and bad. She wears her heart on her sleeve and retalitates verbally with almost everyone when hurt. She is able to talk to me when she is calm and we do have very open discussions. I know some days I feel like at the end of the day I have done nothing but fuss at her. I feel awful. I am very consistent with rules. I have a very low tolerance however for disrespect. I NEVER cuss around them or at all, I do not belittle or put them down. I encourage positive behavior and definitely do point out their bad choices and hold them accountable though. My friend suggested I ease up, ignore some of it and let more slide. I am worried if I do it will get worse.
She very clearly knows right from wrong. I have made it to where I can be home with them now, I haven't dated since my ex left. I am here every single day from morning til' night, we have very structured lives and I give them lot's of affection, love and praise. I just feel this wall building up. Life will change, we have to move, I have to go back to work fulltime and I want to get this under control before this all crashes down.
She has a lot of anger sometimes, she has a lot of negative feelings (like saying going to a movie is so stupid when I suggest something fun). Not sure if it is to get a reaction, how I should react.
My biggest issue is I feel her pain. I understand being a child of divorce myself at her age, I understand change can be scary,I understand the peer issues being in school, I understand thinking my parents didn't understand me, I understand being an older sibling and being held more accountable, I do understand however have no idea how to get through to her I do.
I try to be upbeat about the stress going on, looking at the bright side of life and that she has control over if she is happy or not. I try to hide my overload on stress with all the changes from my kids, not sure if that is good or bad.
I see some of my ex in her (he was a very negative and angry person), but she was so young when he left I didn't think she witnessed much of that. I see so much of myself in her at times too (lashing out when upset or hurt), so I think I really fly off the handle when the disrespect or bad choices come about. That isn't fair to her.
My mom and I had a lot of problems in my teen years for probably 8 years. I don't want that with she and I.
She and her brother are very different personalities so she takes that as me loving him more. I have explained there is no way I could love one more then the other, that I just know how smart she is and that when she makes bad choices it makes me sad and I expect her to think like a 7 year old, not a 4 year old.
HELP! Do you ignore the comments, talk about them every time, have punishments, consequences or what? She has had her share of being sent to her room, priviledges taken away on really bad days, it doesn't seem to get through though.
Hi, D.. I have always enjoyed reading your responses, so I hope I will be able to help you out some now. I think in reading your past responses, that you are probably familiar with Love and Logic, as has been suggested. I do think that Tiffany's words show a lot of wisdom and I know I got some good advice from them, so maybe they will help you, too.
I think maybe spending some one-on-one time with your daughter might help to show her you value her--try asking her what she wants to do vs. making any suggestions; that way she gets the message that you really want to do something with her that will be of value to her, and she will feel empowered.
There are some great journals out there that allow 2 people to write back and forth to each other. They are meant for mailing to one another, but maybe you and your daughter could start one and leave it on each other's pillow or something. I don't know how much writing she is doing at 7 & 1/2 but it might be a different outlet for her to express herself, especially if she--and you--have tendencies to lash out when one is frustrated in verbal communication. You could probably just use a notebook, too, but maybe your daughter would enjoy the "fun" of the envelopes and stickers that come with the journal packs.
Try asking your daughter what she needs, and how you can best support her. It will get both of you thinking, I'm sure! You may want to set a couple ground rules first, like "The only unacceptable answer is 'I don't know' and also we both have to speak respectfully to each other." Maybe she is too young for this, but I've facilitated restorative justice circles with kids as young as 6 that this technique has worked for.
GOod luck, and hang in there. Reach out again if you need us! Remember that you are a good mom!
S.
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O.L.
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Denver
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We are currently having some significant behavioral issues with my 4 1/2 year old son and your comment about being able to picture this behavior when you're dealing with a teen instead... I think about that ALL the time.
I think 'Love & Logic' works great for some people. My son, however, could outreason it by the time he was 2 1/2, so I have had to find other strategies. Nothing like having your 2 1/2 year old say, 'I don't like those choices. How about if I just ______ instead?' ;)
I feel funny writing with 'advice' for you 'cause I'm going to suggest some books that I haven't even read yet. I have a friend who is a very thoughtful parent and she suggested some books for me. Her back story is that they adopted a daughter from China about a year ago, when their son was 4 1/2. So both kids have had some drama & trauma in their young lives and these are the books their mom has found useful.
* Between Parent and Child
* Beyond Consequences
* Consciously Parenting Blog
* How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
* Parenting from the Inside Out
* Raising Your Spirited Child
* Unconditional Parenting
She's got the whole list with links on her blog: ____@____.com
Best of luck!
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A.S.
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Denver
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Like a previous post, I too recommend the "Love and Logic" books. I think you'll find that you're daughter is behaving absolutely normally, and so are you, and that there are simple things that you can do to make both of your lives easier. :)
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B.C.
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Denver
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There is a really great book out there called "Love and Logic" that helped my sister with her tween daughter and I'm reading the one for birth-6yrs and it really has some good tools. It sounds like she needs more choices throughout the day...in one of your examples: rather than say "let's go to a movie" give her the choice "would you like to go to a movie or play putt putt golf today" -- that way she feels like she has some control in the situation rather than being told what to do. All of us girls like to feel we have some control over things...right????
But the biggest thing is don't beat yourself up. They are living with a loving mom who only has their best interests at hand.
Oh, and Happy Mother's Day...you deserve a pat on the back!!!!
