Where Do I Draw the Line on How Long My Kids See Their Dad?

Get a lawyer and have a formal agreement written up. This concerns the welfare of your children, and you need a formal agreement that is written by a lawyer in case you ever need to go to court.

Best of luck.

Woman GET a LAWYER NOW!!!!!!

start documenting this now or you will lose them he had no thought in consulting you when he purchased the tickets. he has NO RESPECT for you either or his kids.

this sounds like a guy who is making the moves to take them from you. if you are serious about keeping them and protecting them, GET A LAWYER if you cant see it then he can.

You need to get all agreements put in writing and i would see your lawyer now before your divorce is final and then you are put in action, i bet this is what he has seen to be doing behind your back.

do not trust him. he is only going to be serving his interest not yours. or the children.

i wish you all the best for the new year and no you are not being unreasonable put it to him this way maybe they would rest better after a long ordeal better in their beds. but get this lawyer before they get back.

hope this helps.

While you cannot control things like his letting them stay up late while with him, or his taking them into the hospital, you should get a formal, written and legally binding custody arrangement as soon as possible so that in the future it's crystal clear who gets the kids on what dates. Get a lawyer involved -- don't do this on your own. Find an attorney who specializes in child custody and come up with a document to file with a court; this means you will have legal rights if he takes the kids for a "visit" that he tries to extend. This time the family emergency he's claiming does sound real, from what you've said, but overall it sounds like you would benefit from having a more formal custody arrangement.

ok hold on just a minute, two parents, two schedules.. thats just the way it is.. dont take it personally.
before you hit the delete key, think it over, if your ex husband has your kids and the agreement was that he would bring them back on wens. then wait until wens.,there is no law that says you cant see your kids get off the plane, but why did you ask him for permission ?if the father is trying to spend time with his children, dont get angry, praise him, because there are plenty of men out there that could not care less about their kids. now if he doesnt bring the kids back when he said he would, then you can
get upset and pick up the phone and ask what the problem is

K. h.

I know it must be hard not being there with your kids!! Unfortunately, if there are no specific guidelines for when he sees them or how often, then there's nothing you can do about it - he has joint custody and is within his rights. It would be nice if the two of you could compromise, but he probably misses his kids and wants control as well. When the kids are with him, try not to focus on the negative aspects - he will do things his own way and it doesn't matter how much you convey your wishes to him, he is the dad and will do things the way he wants them done - I'm sure you two disagree about a lot - after all, the marriage has ended and you've gone your separate ways. Nothing he has done will harm them long term - going to the hospital, staying up late, etc...they may have to readjust their schedules and have a bit of a hard time getting back into routine when they come home, but that is typical of shared custody and going to different homes. Also - it's ok if they stay with his mom, etc unless it is not a safe environment - they may like having sleepovers at grandma's. It's hard to relax as a caring mom, but they are his kids too so I'm sure he thinks he has their best interest in mind as well and would like you to have confidence in his parenting....(even when you don't!). Also - kids are not great at talking on the phone...what can a 2 and 4 year old think of to say? Most conversations ARE 'hi, bye' at that age....totally normal! I would take it personally before, when I talked to my step kids, but now I realize that it's really my job to ask tons of questions and see how they respond and just appreciate the short time I do get to say hi. They are probably just having fun and are caught up in the moment - lots of holiday and family stuff going on, so they can't focus on what is going on outside of that....but just the fact that you call and say 'I love you' is enough for them. As for the airport, I would just give him his extra day and try not to cause any conflict. Next time, I would just ask the dad ('acting' like he is in control) if it would be ok if you met them at the airport - then he could be the one to be 'generous' and say yes...instead of demanding that you be allowed to pick them up early and arguing your case. Men can be persuaded, but you have to do it in the right way....which is hard when it comes down to your kids...but I wish you luck as you go through this transition phase!!!

T. - my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Know that you are a good mother & are attempting to do the best you can in this situation.

If you know that deep down your ex-husband is treating the children well (especially the basics - keeping them clean, clothed & fed), then let some of your worries decrease. That's the number one important thing is that they're with family that is loving & taking care of them properly.

My second thought is are the children being talked about regarding you? Anotherwords, is anyone possibly filling their heads with nonsense about "not speaking to Mommy" or anything? I certainly hope not - but it's so hard to know what's going on when you're not there.

If your ex-husband and you have been agreeable on mostly all other things & times when you have each had the children, then this time may be a little atypical. Him having his father go through liver cancer (which is a life-threatening disease for sure - my brother was diagnosed with ciarrohis of the liver just this past summer & thankfully received a liver transplant that has completely transformed & saved his life!) is a very hard thing to go through - don't know if he's close to his dad or not, but also how your ex may be feeling about the finality of the divorce now & his father's illness - he may feel like he needs to "hold onto" the children now.

Ultimately, I say to go with your gut instincts. If you think you should meet them at the airport, do so. Even if it's just to give them a hug & tell them how much you've missed them (maybe even bring them each a small gift-?) and that you'll see them tomorrow - you know deep down what is the right thing to do.

Listen to your inner voice & do what feels right to you. I suggest that you speak with your ex about whatever you decide - keep your cool regarding any temper, anger or upset - and just let him know that you're feeling for him & his family, but that you're missing yours badly as well.

I truly hope that everything works out for all of you.

Peace 'n light

This could be a one-time problem or it could become a pattern. If it was me, I'd get a lawyer or go back to the divorce lawyer, but only if I was happy with the service. I'd get everything in writing and if it was routinely ignored, I'd seek an court order of protection. I don't want to sound alarmist, but why take chances? Get everything in writing and hold him to it.

According to Maryland law, if the non-custodial parent has the kids for a certain number of days per year, they can get custody or they can stop paying child support. A lawyer will know the details.
Good luck.

I think he's trying to exert his power. I wouldn't make a big deal about it right now, but I would try to, in a very friendly and unaccusing manner, get a formal outline of custodial rights. Having joint custody, or no formal custody agreement, means that he can take them and run off and no one can do anything about it. They generally do that at a divorce hearing, though. Either way, I would see an attorney, have a formal custody arrangement drawn up. In the meantime, you have to accept that he doesn't have to follow the rules as you see them, and will probably make a point of not doing so just to be different. If you told him you want to meet the plane because you miss the kids so much, he might be more understanding. If you told him you want to meet the plane because you're worried about the kids, you probably offended him, so he got defensive.

Anyways, good luck, i'm sure everything will be fine.

I would meet them at the airport. I would just tell your ex that you miss the kids and can't wait to see them. Besides, he disrespected you by booking their flights without consulting you first. Obviously, an illness in the family trumps your other trip but it was still disrespectful. He should have called and explained and told you what he was thinking before booking the trips. My only concern is your children getting so flippant with talking to you on the phone. Is it possible you are calling too much? That or he and his relatives are bad mouthing you!

GET A LAWYER NOW!!!! Sorry to sound so hard but things could get a whole lot worst. He made plans without telling in the first place so what plans is he making without you now. Is he planning to move back to where his parents and family live since his father is so ill? I hate to say this but he doesnt want you at the airport sound kinda funny to me. IS he really going to be at the airport? Honey, Get a lawyer and a formal agreement about what is what for your kids because it will only get harder as the kids get older and what happens when a step mother comes into the picture..Hmmm
Sorry to be so hard but you got your kids to think of!

If you havn't seen a mediator you should. Small children being away form MOM for a long period the very first time out is a little concerning. As for the phone calls and the kids crying or not wanting to talk. (Well, that's the way all of the kids are at that age.) You can also get a court appointed gardian for the children. You can call the guardian if you think the children are in danger or concerns.

Is he abusive? Would he HURT the kids? It sounds like this isn't the case at all, because I'm assuming that you would mention it.

I'm not saying this in effort to counter your opinion as much as it is to simply help you relax and find the positive in the situation...
Divorce should never be Mom VS Dad. Remember that. Be HAPPY that they are enjoying their time with their Dad. Let him do things his way (within a certain amount of reason, and it sounds like he is within that). This visit actually sounds very beneficial, for everyone involved. The kids get more time with Dad, the Dad gets more time with the kids, The kids get to see Aunt and Grandmother, and they get to see their grandfather! I would also think that their grandfather would want to see them! And also, it could be beneficial to you as well, getting a taste of how to work together with their dad, and how to plan things in the future.

Part of what makes a married couple raising children so wonderful is the same way it can make this custody arrangement so wonderful- it is the fact that Moms and Dads DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. Kids need to know that there is more than one way to make things work. It is also the male/female role model issue. Guys are different. 10 pm isn't that bad, either... It may take a couple days or a week to adjust back, but that is just a part of the negativity of getting divorced with kids.

I'm a very protective mom- it comes with the job- so I can get the idea of wanting to "be there" and control what happens with them. Honestly though, you are getting divorced, it comes with the territory... They've got a father- some kids don't have that. Nurture that fact and help it grow, they will need him in the future. And try to look at him as not a partner in marriage, but a partner in parenting.

Also, a couple of ideas... Be appreciative of your Ex's honesty. Although you don't "approve", at least he is honest about what they are doing with him! He could just as easily lie and tell you they go to bed at 8, that they didn't go to the hospital, etc. to get you off his back- Appreciate that he is letting you know about what he is doing with them. Also, just because Isaiah screams on the phone doesn't mean he is afraid of it, 2 year olds are NOTORIOUS for their bizarre behavior. Jasmine just sounds busy, don't read too far into it. Try to be cautious with the way to react. Your kids could sense the negativity when they come home, and there's no need to stress yourself out. It sounds like you may have them back already, but next time utilize the time the kids are gone- get stuff done that you can't do when they are there... Surprise them with something new and exciting when they get back to let them know how much you miss them.

It sounds like you are a very caring mother. Just try to look at things from a different perspective when it comes to having to "share" your kiddies. Happy New Year!

get a lawyer, parenting coordinator and specific custody papers. this is not an attack it just keeps from miscommunication. several of the women giving you advice here may have never been a single parent with a dad who is in and out and apparently very controlling. i am lucky that my daughter's father almost always wants to be around his daughter but there are times that i have to remind him that an activity he planned is just not appropriate for a child her age. HOWEVER, it's his choice. as long as he does right by the eyes of the law he can do what he wants on his time unless our custody agreement says otherwise. if you want very specific instructions for both of your interactions with the kids you may need a parenting coordinator. good luck!

However the immediate situation resolves itself, it sounds to me like you might need to have the custody agreement more specific. Not to be overly dramatic, but what's to prevent him from taking the kids for "however long he sees fit", and then you fighting to get them back? I have found with my friends that the ones who had everything nice and neat in writing, didn't have as much trouble as those had more "verbal" agreements as to time, place, etc. of taking the kids. Just be prepared for whatever changes might be occurring in his feelings about having the kids. Best of luck with this!

If you have a verbal joint custody agreement, you should go back and get a written plan in place, simply to avoid problems like this in the future.

When families are intact, Mom and Dad have an equal responsibility to raise the children. If Dad makes choices that go against Mom's opinions (which does happen), that is unfortunate, but it is his right to make decisions on their behalf as long as they are not life threatening. That's just the challenge in raising children, period. When couples are no longer married, it's obviously a lot more complicated. You both might need a third party to help the two of you resolve this issue. You are not unreasonable for wanting to see your children get off the plane; but, maybe in his mind, it cuts down on his time with them or smells too much like you are trying to control him.

Both of you need to try to at least be cordial with one another so that you are not negatively affecting the children. Divorce is already traumatic. Maybe you can start the conversation, sometime after he returns the children into your care, by asking if he thinks the schedule you both discussed is fair or should be revised. Is he open to having someone else work with the two of you to set up something that will allow both of you to do spontaneous things and/or respond to emergencies? This will happen again. You have dr. appts. to schedule for them and school-related events that might fall right into his visitation schedule. Anything is liable to happen. Do not make it an order that you both do this. Maybe you could propose this as you prepare for their spring break schedule or whatever the next holiday/Daddy visitation break is.

Meanwhile, try to believe that your children have two parents who love them, want to spend time with them and do what is best for them. You both will make mistakes along the way--that's just how life is--but try to grow from your experiences and not let emotions rule your future actions. I hope you get responses that address the legalities of joint custody and possible points of contact for support during this time.