When to Tell Him?

Updated on June 22, 2010
B.R. asks from Canonsburg, PA
4 answers

Background info: A few years ago my father and step-mother convinced us to begin flipping houses. This was when they sold 14 houses in 1 year. It was before the housing market crumbled that we got started. My husband is self employed and I stay home with then 4, now 5 kids. Our ultimate goal was to buy houses in a decent area (not the hot spots), fix them up for people who couldn't get mortgages and do the rent-to-own. The tenant would have a year to work on their credit to qualify for a mortgage. We're not talking huge money for us (the houses are only listed at $70,000) but enough to supplement our income while giving others an opportunity to own a house without coming up with a huge down payment while repairing credit.

Present situation: We have 2 houses we flipped. The one is already on the market because the tenants weren't able to maintain W2 employment, then he physically abused his wife in front of their kids and now in the process of a divorce. We'd love to keep her and the house but we can't afford to carry it any longer. The reason we can't afford to carry it any longer is because the deal with the first house has failed. The current tenants have been in it since 12/08, spent the money on the credit repair and have accumulated almost $3,000 in credit towards the down payment. They informed me last Monday that they would not be purchasing now. They were over 2 weeks late with the rent, the mail lost the check a few times and they kept lying about when we would receive the rent. After the 5th time of attempting to collect the rent we had to post an eviction notice. As long as they were to become current the deal would continue (they did become current...finally). They are now blaming me for their rent being late...I don't know how but apparently it's my fault. Here's my problem...my dh is self employed as a personal trainer in a pretty affluent area (Peters Township). He's been in the area since 1994 and opened his own studio in 2003, so he's pretty successful but with the current economic situation business has fallen off. He's already stressing about that and the property we own that's already listed. He doesn't handle extra stress well. I forgot to mention that both of his parents are not doing well healthwise...we found out about both of them on the same day about 3 weeks ago. MIL had a tumor on her kidney removed in 2006 which has since spread. She has lost 75% of her pancreas, her gallbladder, 25% of the lower lobe of her right lung and now a spot of renal cancer has begun growing on the upper lobe of her left lung. FIL had an emergency 6 bypass almost 14 years ago and has begun having the same signs and sympoms he had before his surgery.

I've been sitting on the current situation with the 2nd house for over a week. I know he needs to know, but when should I tell him? He won't handle it well (he'll lose sleep, become depressed, his blood pressure will skyrocket, etc) and he'll beat himself up for failing his family...even though we did this together. I just want to do this the right way with the least amount of harm possible and I'm not sure how to do it I guess because I'm too close to the the situation. Can any of you brilliant moms offer any advice?

Thanks so much!

EDIT: The house listed has been reduced to 63,500. We don't have the extra cash so we have to sell with enough to cover the loan and closing costs. The other house can't be listed until the tenants move (mid July) and we make any necessary repairs. I guess I'm just trying to protect him and do this in the least harmful way possible.

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A.B.

answers from Charlotte on

Your description here reminds me of myself, or, how I analyze situations I find myself in.

I offer this for your ponderings. May or may not apply to you or be beneficial.
A counselor once told me that the way I go about things (researching every option before making a decision) was healthy only up to a point, after which it simply became controlling. She helped me to see that even though intellectually, I know I can't control outcomes or other people, I have trouble internalizing that.

I understand wanting to spare your husband any more stress, but, imho, worrying about when/how to tell him is again, trying to control. I'm sure you'll be very supportive when you tell him, and will approach it with a "we can get through this together" mentality. If he does, as you fear, go into a deep state of depression over this, then that is more about him than you. Am I making any sense?

Also, chances are that there's never a "good" time to tell him, and, by waiting, it may only make things worse. Maybe you could think of it as, "However he takes this, we'll deal with the results, together." ?

And, too.......think of this......take care of you! You needn't deal with all of the stress of this by yourself........wouldn't it be better to join forces with your husband and share the burden? I certainly understand wanting to spare your family more stress, but sometimes, what is, just, is.

I thank you for allowing me to remind myself about situations like these. Trying to take care of everything myself is a long-standing habit with me. Might it be with you, too?

Best of luck, and I hope the health of your in-laws improves quickly.

2 moms found this helpful
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E.M.

answers from Bakersfield on

HI Mama-
I think the first thing you need to do is be honest with your husband. However, a little prudent planning never hurt anyone. Get all your ducks in order, all the paperwork together, (I suggest you do this ASAP), and then present him with problem and solution. Unfortunately, you cannot float the one tenant. If she can pay what you need for let's say another month, only charge her the actualy mortgage and give her 30 days notice to find an apartment. Perhaps reccommend a place that you know is in her price range.
But DO get the paperwork and plan in order and ready to execute and then let your husband know that you are taking care of it and if he has any advice to offer, you would love it. YOu know how stressed he is over business and family and want to help in any way you can.
That being said, it sounds like the two of you need some quiet time. On his next "day off" of afternoon off, etc., plan a picnic...or a family game night where you and your family can relax and enjoy eachother's company.
Then plan some outings to visit his parents and help with their needs. Anything you can do to alleviate stress in the little ways, the areas where he feels stretched a little too thin (this should be part of your discussion), ask where you can help and take on what you have confidence you can take on. This is a partnership in every way. He just needs a loving, little reminder. =)
I hope this helps.
Good luck
-E. M

1 mom found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Not sure if I exactly understand your post/question but the bottom line seems to be that you guys don't have enough wiggle-room to be in the flipping biz or really extending a hand up to others. Check out Dave Ramsay and what he has to say about the lower risk way of getting into real estate.
I think you need to slash the prices on both "flips" and sell both asap.

OK--I know you need to cover your loans but sometimes it costs money to save money. No more flips til you can pay ca$h!

1 mom found this helpful
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K.P.

answers from New York on

Tell him sooner rather than later- find a quiet time (after the kids are in bed?) and just tell him. At this point, he is going to be stressed and upset by the situation due to the parameters. If you wait longer, you are shortening the time period to find a solution. Aside from that, he may be angry with you for not sharing at the time you were aware. This is a partnership in many many ways and you would likely be upset if he was witholding information from you that would impact your financial security.

Good luck!

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