When to Stop Gift Giving

Well I am the only aunt who still recognizes all birthdays. I don't know why the others don't (4 families with 11 kids between us. I have 2 of the 11). For birthdays I give them $20 until they hit 18 then $5. Even now, one of my nephews will be 23 in February and lives with his girlfriend. I'll still send the card and $5 so someday they'll all laugh at "Crazy Aunt Lori" and her card and $5.

Christmas we do a little different. We started drawing names many years ago. I still push for it because there are still little ones.

And while I completely understand the lack thank you's (really I do get it!) I still send something, because I love them. Not looking for the thank you, if I get one it's a bonus. ;)

If they are not greatful for the gifts or acknowledge them, I would stop immediately. They are old enough to call you on their own---so there really is not excuse for their rudeness. Good luck.

M

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Stop gift giving when you stop wanting to give them something. That can be when they are 5 or 25 years old. I do think not sending a thank-you is a bit rude, but its not the reason (or it shouldn't be) you send a gift. If you are not in the real spirit and giving from your heart, but just out of some silly feeling of obligation, then I would say its time to stop. If you just like to give to this niece and nephew and you don't care if they acknowledge then keep on keeping on!

Time to stop is when you want to stop.

Although it is very tacky of them to not say thank you, I pick up resentment because you are not receiving anything back (bday phonecall).

If he has moved out of the house, it is perfectly ok in my opinion to simply send a card from now own.

we give gifts for nephew and neices that are still kids.. under 18.. if they are adults and move out.. gifts stop..

Send a beautiful card...

Yes, especially if he is old enough to know he should acknowledge the gift yet doesn't.

Just send a card next time. He's all grown and making his own money, now. I told my mom the same thing as she and my dad are on a fixed income. If you were to see them during Christmas than gifts are appropriate.

I stop sending gifts to my nieces and nephews the first christmas they are 21 years old. Now I send a card and sometimes something small, if I see a personal item I think they would enjoy.

Good luck!

I usually only get a card or a small gift like a candle from Aunts or Uncles. I wouldn't do any more than that unless you are really close and they give gifts back.

There is no rule, but I think my aunt who always sent us something stopped about the time we graduated or left home (can't remember which). It did not bother or upset any of us. I had always intended to send gifts to my sister's kids (my mom has adopted them) but we can usually barely afford immediate family gifts, so I usually give gifts to the people we will see and try to mail my parents framed family portraits of us (we haven't seen them since 2007) because it is afforedable for us and something they can have in the house. Gratitude from the recipient is not a very important factor (and I'm terrible about birthdays, even if I mean to remember them)--whenever you feel it is time to stop, stop, no reason necessary. One of my husband's aunts and uncles usually give us something each Christmas, but they are very very close to his parents and to us, so it never seems odd that the others don't. Have fun shopping!

In my family we stop giving gifts when the person turns 18. We only give gifts to the children. Everyone in the family knows thisand are all fine with it. I hope this helps.

Yes, it's time to stop.

He's an adult now and obviously sharing special days with extended family is not a priorty for him. Not only does he not thank you for your gifts, but he isn't reciprocating and ignored your birthday. It's easy to send an email or call on the phone to wish someone a happy day. If he can't even do those simple things, why should you feel obligated to continue gift giving? If he mentions it, you can say, "You never replied, so I thought you didn't enjoy receiving gifts from me."

My mother had the philosophy that when a child got to be an older teen, say 16-18 then they were too old to get a gift such as you are describing. If they were closer to her then she, of course, still gave them gifts.

Perhaps just simply replacing the gift with: Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas can set the precedent for you. Remember, it's always the thought,anyway. So, just verbalizing the wish shows you were thinking about them. Over time it will probably fade to no acknowledgement. As for them not acknowledging gifts and recognizing birthdays, honestly, some people are clueless and don't know any better.

It astounds me that so many have written that once the children are 18 or over, that gift-giving ends. There is something about a card with one dollar enclosed that was a thrill. That's a fun thought, and "free" money, meaning one can do with it whatever one wants. In these days of dollar stores, for better, or worse, (and mostly worse), something entirely silly, purchased with the giver's dollar, can uplift from the daily grind.

So many write that they cannot afford a gift. I don't understand this either. A hand-made card... a piece of grass from the "home turf" is a gift. A packet of seeds - which can be had for 20 cents, and then whatever first class postage is at the moment.

One reply was that $20 is given until age 18 ? was it? And then $5.00. I think this sets up a very bad precedent, and it is sure more the reverse that makes sense.

As long as she was alive, I would, on occasion, receive a gift from an aunt who I never met. It was always something incredibly unique - redundant, I know, but she lived in California, and she had a style that more matched mine than anyone else in the family. Of course, I always sent a thank you note. (Oh god - did I always send her a thank-you note, or was the family so queer that I didn't get her address - she had fled the coupe, so to speak0. Anyway, I should have focused more on her somehow knowing "me" more than anyone else, and followed her lead - you know what I'm saying?

As an adult, I always took the money sent by the couple of people who did, and spent it on them for their birthday or other holidays. That was the best gift, because I never made enough money with the obligations I had, and it allowed me to send them something I could not have afforded otherwise, but, more importantly, something that suited them.

I'm on this site today because my daughter's birthday is in a few days. She has recently dumped me entirely. I won't go into the details, but this is being done in such a way that my sense of "love" for her is escaping. I can like aspects of her, and, there are moments of feeling love, but I think that's love for someone she is no longer. She has become a stranger.

I am uncertain whether I would be withholding a gift in anger, or indifference, but, moreover, I am absolutely uncertain that she would want anything from me at all. I already regret sending her a card, as I think what I wrote may be perceived by her as being a burden - I mean, I wrote that I love her, and signed it, "Mom." (All mothers, are, in fact, evil, right. Fathers always get off the hook - sons, too).

We are each other's sole relative. But this person has become a stranger. Whatever I decide won't be right -either for me, or for her. So, folks - (by the way, gift-giving IS quid pro quo - that's how it all began since humans were upright. There is always an expectation of some type of reciprocity - some type of it), - it does come down to doing what is best for your heart and mind, without punishing anyone in the process. And keep those adult gifts coming. Silly and fun is very much needed by adults.

As to me? I have no idea what I'll do. Habit? A present to the daughter I loved and liked all these years, but not to this - whatever she has become? It's messed up. Send her a present that is really to acknowledge myself? That I, at least, did not screw up her life? But if receiving something from me at all is the worst thing I could do. I just don't know.

One or more people commenting said that the money or gift that would be spent on the "other" should be kept and enjoyed. That may be the best suggestion.

Stop. If they don't acknowledge it, you have to assume they don't appreciate it. (You can also assume they have never been taught decent manners, but those are the breaks.) If they are adults but are not involved enough to recognize your birthdays, they're old enough to survive a gift-less occasion. They may not be able to afford to give gifts, but they certainly can make phone calls or even send an e-card. For the short run, I'd keep them on your Christmas card list just to stay in touch, but after 2-3 years if you still don't hear anything, drop them. If your nephew stops by your sister's house, you can be effusive in your greeting and happy to see him, welcoming to his girlfriend, and so on.

i tend to think you're at the point where it'd be fine to stop it. apparently it's not appreciated too much...but i also like the idea of saving the gift until you SEE them, then they'll be much more likely to show appreciation.

we've always done, you get a gift until you are out of college - or not living at home. once your out of college or not living at home no more presents.

then when they have a kid - my mom always bought for her grand niece/nephew.

You may stop any time you wish. You can continue if you want to, but you know better now than to expect any return or even any acknowledgment. Your nephew doesn't seem to be interested in having any sort of relationship with you, so you can let it go without feeling guilty. He (and your niece) might have benefited from wanting to know you better, but it's their loss.

I have certain relatives I choose to send cards to who never acknowledge - and NEVER have - so I don't expect anything. If I remember birthdays/Christmas it's because I wish to. But it's not an obligation on my part.