When the Little One Is Introduced to New Girlfriend in Dad's Life.

I am a single mom as well and I wish you guys the best of luck in dealing with these hard issues. Remember why things didn't work out? You know it was for the best even if it is hard on your sons and you some times. It would be even worse for your son to see two adults he loves very much miserable with each other only tolerating there life together so that he can have two parents, he might just learn love doesn't matter or treat woman or people in general with out compassion. But if you show him love and explain what is going on in a manner that is civil, He will see you as a strong brave mom who has his best interest and feel safe and secure. (I am so hoping this is the way it goes, this is my motto)
I have the same problem, my daughters father (doesn't see her much) has a new live in girl friend one right after the other, he is incapable of being alone and wont leave a relationship even if it is bad. She is three now but she will grow and I hope to show her how a true relationship works.
The thing is "you are going to screw up your kids, just try to minimize it" There really isn't away around it just set a good example. A war will only hurt the babe.
I wish I had more answers for you.
(I hope this came out like I had hoped)

Hi T.,

I just had to write and offer some moral support. The mountain is high but it is worth climbing for you and your son. To sacrifice yourself just so your son have have two unhappy parents in the same house is not worth it. Think of what you'd be teaching him. I feel very strongly that it is better to have two parents happy, healthy and separate than otherwise together unhappy, and probably fighting and resentful. I have had these same feelings of sacrifice myself, but I am proud to say now with almost two years apart, that accepting our break-up and moving on was the best thing I could have done. We get along so much better now than we ever did and I have spared my daughter all the fighting, etc.

Hang in there. I am sure you will do what is best for your family. It's just hard to accpet sometimes I know.

E.

The posts here have given some good advice - children are *never* happy if their parent's aren't happy. That is a myth that, sadly, many people still believe. "Staying together for the children" is a thing that I hear many people say - and it just makes for miserable adults and children who blame themselves (as children often do!)

It sounds like your son *has* a mom and a dad - even if you aren't in the same house-hold - which is more than many kids get sometimes. My daughter's biological father flew the coop when I was 3 months pregnant and hasn't even seen her (she's 3 1/2 now). Also, since you are now free to pursue other people who make *you* happy, perhaps you can find someone who will treat you and your kids the way you all deserve - with love and respect!

On the issue of boy/girlfriends. I, personally, don't see why you should keep your kids from seeing them. Especially at that young of an age - your son probably won't really understand the difference between a "girlfriend" and a "girl friend" - that one little space doesn't become significant to them for a while yet. If you merely treat this woman as a friend of his father's (which, hopefully!, she is - regardless of anything else she may be), then if the relationship doesn't work out it's just a friend that doesn't come over any more. I am assuming here, of course, that your ex isn't overly affectionate with this woman in front of your son (as I feel that that is inappropriate anyway - a 4 year old doesn't need to see 2 adults groping each other anyway!) - a few hugs, kisses, and hand-holding he'll probably see as merely normal behavior for people who care about each other. And teaching him that it's alright to care for your "friends" may not be such a bad thing - the world could use a little more of it! :)

I hope that this helps somewhat - in closing, let me say that I hope that you manage to get your life on the track you want - one without pain and regret, but only with happiness and love.

Hi T.. Well, you know that old saying the past is the past? The thing in this situation is its already been done. So you can't go change it. I agree that their relationship should have been more solid but what can you do now? I think the only thing to do is to cope. Explain to your daughter what is going on, and do not act like you don't like tbe new girlfriend (even if you don't haha). I know that this is probably just as hard on you as it is your daughter. To be completely truthful, your daughter probably doesn't even care at tthis point. She's young and young ones just tend to accept stuff. Just be honest with your daughter and worry about other stuff (like explaining a break-up, if there is one) later. I hope this works out for you...Best Wishes, T.

Dear T.,

Stop worrying about something that you cannot change. Your 4 year old will handle it better if you do not fret. I have two gr grandchildren who are in that situation, and they take it well enough. We always show respect for the new girlfriend, and so do they. We spend lots of quality time with the children and are very close to them, so they have a solid base with the family. I always speak positively about the children in front of the girlfriend and grandson, so that they know where I am coming from. It kinda pays to be an older woman, and I am making the most of it when I can by letting people know "how the cow ate the cabbage" - in a pleasant way, of course.

You sound like a very intelligent, caring woman and I know that you will find a way to make the family situation more comfortable. My husband and I (second marriage) have been together for 22 years now and his adult children are still trying to separate us. Isn't that awful? You would think tht after 22 years they would have gotten the idea that even though we disagree, we still love and adore each other, and need each other. I heard the other day that if you and your husband agree culturally - think about that one - that the marriage can succeed. Study a bit about culture, and you will get it. Then woe your husband again. Just an idea.

Sincerely, C. N.