When One Side of the Family Just Refuses to Budge

Sounds to me like the only way you'll ever get this resolved is to confront the person directly and find out exactly what their problem is. It's not fair to your kids to have them saying vicious things to other people in your family and for your kids to be missing out on family events just because one person in the family can't put their adult panties on and get over whatever their issue is!

I don't have a lot of answers for you but just wanted you to know your definitely not alone with dealing INSANE family members.....

Yes....for years dealing with negative family members and finally decided why do I have to have them in our lives? You can pick your friends and there are a lot that are more like family than these type of family members. I just cut them out do not see them and we are all happier for it! You don't need people to worry and depress you all of the time. Surround yourself and family with more positive people! Good luck!!

First of all, there is no thing as a "normal" family! All families have issues, even if they are small ones.
I had a few thoughts as I read your post:
1. It would be a cold day in Hades before I had separate parties to accommodate anyone else's rudeness!
2. With whom does "your family" have issue? You? Your kids? Your hubby? Your in-laws?
3. What kind of family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, whatever) punishes children for their own interpersonal problems. I am not a huge fan of my hubby's family, but we interact, we get together and we are polite and respectful. If they were as rude as you describe I would have stopped inviting them years ago!
4. You're having a get together for your family and you "hear" the ringleader is coming? Hear? How was he/she invited? Personally? Did they NOT respond to you whether they were attending or not? Rude.
5. Never trust a 'grapevine" find out for yourself what the truth is. Grapevines are just that--hearsay. It would not be uncomfortable for me to address this person and say "I heard you don't care for my husband, kids, whatever....." and initiate a discussion with the person.
6. You were "hoping that person wasn't coming" so you shouldn't have invited him/her!
O. day my MIL and FIL were at our house for a cookout. They were fighting with each other and had my mom cornered listening to it all! I walked into the room and said "If you two are going to fight, you're going to have to leave b/c no O. here wants to listen to it." They stopped and have not fought here since. They had no recourse but to a.) leave or b.) stop fighting and play nice. I made a true statement and they can't say anything about it except that we don't want them fighting when they're at our house--which is true.
Good luck, dear. Hope it works out for your kids' sake at least.

my thoughts would be to just not invite the one person causing all the stress. why should your kids be denied grandparents etc because of one family member? Invite the rest of the family and dont' invite the one giving you stress. its hard but it can be done. good luck

did you invite this person? if you didn;t ... i would call this said person before the party.. find out what's going on.. why she does what she does.. and tellher she is not welcome to your home.. tell her she has caused a rift in the famiily and hurt you and the children...

At first, I was thinking to just have 2 separate parties (can be same day different times or just different days). But then I read that the person said something about you. Did something ever happen to cause a rift? Do they just think their family is "better" than yours? That happens to us. His family thought they were better than mine because of income and they are Italian and we are Irish. At gatherings, everyone would come but my husband and me were on pins & needles. They would be civil and you could tell phony, but they came for the kids. When I started to notice my family make excuses not to come, I decided to do separate parties. Now of course, my in laws acted offended, but were probably secretly glad not to have to be phony. I knew my MIL didn't like me, but I knew my kids had the right to a relationship with their grandmother (until she herself destroyed that). I personally had Communions at restaurants, so with one child I had in-laws there for lunch, and then my side at home for catered dinner. The second child, I reversed it. So no one can complain. I left it up to the individuals if they wanted to see their grandkids in church make Holy Communion. Some came, and some stayed away. (Church was so crowded, I just told the kids that they probably didn't see their relatives because it was so crowded, so their feeling wouldn't be hurt. My kids are tweens now and old enough and smart enough to realize who is "family" to them. Family is not just those who are related to you they have learned. Now they just have parties with friends and one aunt,uncles and cousins and we are stress free.

I am so sad to hear that this is happening to you. Maintain a stiff upper lip. What is most important is your children and your husband. That is it! In the future, if your family wants to be that selfish, stop inviting them to events where you suspect they won't come, and let one member in the family know (someone that you can sort of talk to without fighting) why you are doing this. It will spread to the other family members soon enough. As for "this person" who is coming to your get together this week....I would be very concerned that she (or he) will start running her mouth off in front of your children. I would call her on the phone, or when she arrives, step her aside and make it very clear that this is your home, and she is to respect it by not saying hurtful or spiteful comments in front of others, especially your children. If she goes out of line, I would warn her again by telling her that you will call the police to have her escorted off your property if you have to. It's harsh, but in the end, you are protecting your children, who do not need to be in the middle of a feuding family. In the future, do not invite her to your home, and it you must have a get together for your family, do it in a neutral location like a park or a beach, so that, if things turn left and you must leave, you can do so. Good luck.

J.,
I think I would confront the person before the get together. I would call her/him and let him/her know that I found out what was said about me/my family and how it is not appreciated. That you would like to clear things out but will not have this done at the family get together! So, maybe you can meet prior to the family coming over, if they can make it earlier or meet else where. Try to find out why and what caused the nasty things to come out! If there is anything you can do to change it.
You don't need to get mad, stressed or depressed over this, you just need to take a stand and try to clear things out. If you know that this will be a great ordeal, then leave it for another day. Enjoy your family as much as you can. Don't let the bickering of others (which is most of the time due to envy towards you) mess your weekend or your life. You do what you know is right! and let your heart and mind be at peace!
Enjoy your family!
Blessings

You may have to deal with this directly, especially if they are in the immediate family. If they are in the extended family, then maybe you can "trim" some of the get-togethers so that this person isn't involved and both sides can come without the wierdness.

If you need to deal with it directly, perhaps invite everyone on that side that's been involved with this weirdness. Then speak with that person when you have the chance. Based on their reaction, speak with the rest of the family from the heart. They are all adults and should not let someone dictate their relationship with you. Easier said than done, I know. Maybe if they're forced to think about it, some will make the mature choice.

Good luck!

I am dealing with a lot of the same thing. I pray things get better,.

I think that you for the immediate time, if she comes, and she is behaving poorly, tell her to leave. Don't turn it into a fight--just say "If you're going to say nasty things or fight, you are not welcome here." (Make sure your DH is on board and can help "escort her out").

Then, if you want to try to "mend fences" or get to the bottom of the problem, afterward, you might want to sit down with her individually at a neutral location (restaurants are good, because most people don't want to cause a scene). And sit down individually with other family members; explain to them that the kids are hurt and don't understand why the adults, who are supposed to be modeling how to get along and move past problems are unable to do so and are instead hurting the kids and each other. Don't be accusatory or judgmental.

Otherwise, if you don't care to try to mend fences or find out what is the underlying problem (because it may not be you, or something you can "fix"), just let it be known to all the family that you'd love for them to participate in your kids lives, and that they are hurting the kids by not doing so, but that it is there choice. And that bad behavior won't be tolerated at any of the get-togethers.

Good luck.

That really sucks, but I know what you are going through. My dad is the same way although he has gotten better lately.

You don't say who this particular person in your family is, or how extended the invite is. If he/she isn't in your immediate family, can you just invite your parents to the events? Would they come? It is really up to them and their choice for a relationship with your kids.

Your kids have every right to be upset and should talk to those that don't come if they are up to it.

During your get together can you have a little meeting? Let them know that you are asking them to come and be civil. The event is for X and her birthday, not about the adult's squabbles. They need to suck it up and be there for her, or their relationships will suffer because of it. Either that or they need to personally tell your child why they won't be coming to their event.

Sometimes you need to "snap" if you want anything to change.