When One Child Is Exceptional....

Sounds like you have great kids, good job! Too bad you grew up with such resentment/hatred for your brother's piano activities. Perhaps you better understand your parents' and your brother's perspective now that you're in a similar situation. And use your memories about what you did not like, to adjust your own parenting, to make sure each child feels like they are "exceptional".

One thing that struck me was that by having a family meeting about the 11 yr old's "great gift", it's highlighting all the more (to the other kids) that he is more special. Seems like this is a parent decision, not a kid's. They shouldn't be aware of (or at least reminded about) the big discrepancy in funds devoted to each one. Of course their input is important. But if you're asking another child if they "mind" if you redirect family time and money away from them so it can be devoted to another, that's setting them up to feel inferior.

I'd be a little suspicious of the "pay for play" deal and scholarships, and yet you need to make a huge financial commitment? Remember that someone is making money from this, and despite their promises, they may or may not truly have your kid's best interest in mind.

The 17 year old has just one year left with you, I'm assuming, and you want to make sure it's a special time to honor his graduation accomplishments, etc. If the 11 year old is truly that talented, and the offers are legit, then they will also be available a year from now.

Good luck in your decision! Congrats on how you've raised such great kids!

Hi, H. -
I can see how difficult a decision this must be for you. My thoughts for what they are worth...
I'm confused about what kind of pay for play an 11 year old could be offered. Where would any such clubs be getting their money to pay a player in any way? Are the scholarships for college in the future? I'm sure you have done your homework, but I would be very careful to make certain that any such offer of a contract to an 11 year old was legitimate and not just an attempt to get money from you. Even assuming that all is legitimate, at 11, this doesn't seem like an opportunity that is make or break for your son. Perhaps I am completely naive, and a young soccer star is like a young gymnast or something. Would deciding not to have the entire family sacrifice at his early age affect whether he plays competitively at a high level in the future? If the answer is no, then perhaps it can wait. If you gave him the opportunity a little closer to the time that it would make a difference as far as college recruiters, college scholarships, etc., then it would definitely be worth the sacrifice to everyone. The other kids would be older then, too, and more likely to understand.
Whatever you decide, kudos to you for raising such wonderfully gifted children, and best of luck!

I would advise that you wait until your talented son is older. If he is a natural and good at what he does, then he will just improve from here. I don't see that he is at his peak at 11 yrs old! Also, if you were to pour all of your resources into one child you would never know the true potential of the children who were denied the opportunity to follow their dreams. I think you also run a risk of the younger siblings resenting him and you for the unfair divide.

My son has played basketball since he was 4, but only in community center leagues and always just for fun. He is a very talented player and already well over 6 feet tall despite the fact that he is only 12. It wouldn't benefit him at all if I hired him private coaches or placed him on the best teams and pushed him to play to the fullest extent. He is still growing, changing and improving. I will encourage him as much as I can, but he will burn out by the time he is 18 if we go at this full throttle. His talents will not vanish between now and high school. He still plays so his skills are fresh and his body is in shape, he's just not likely to burn out anytime soon.

I think you have a hard choice on your hands. A LOT of people don't understand that in the US soccer isn't as big as it is in Europe. They start scouting at an early age. Soccer over there is like baseball, football and basketball all roll into one.

I think you should try to reach out to other parents of this team and ask them questions. I know you've probably done your homework, but definately look into the pay and play stuff. Just make sure it's lagit. Ask the people that are offering this stuff, if waiting another year matters. As good as he is, the offers you get now, you might not get later. I know other people are thinking he will. But some of these people offering may start thinking "the parents are getting in the way of this kids talents" and they wont want to deal with you anymore. Then again you might get some offers later on.

Most olympic stars didn't do the norm stuff. I think you should ask more questions of the people offering, and when you and your hubby come to some comclusions, then talk to you kis about whats going on, and tell them that this is a great oppertunity and spell it out for them about how things will work. Get there input back. But remember they are the kids and they need to go with the flow. I hope everything work out. Good Luck.

Hi H.. My advice would be not to do it. If you feel deep down that its going to disrupt your faimly you should wait. He's only 11 and that type of situation seems like a lot of pressure. Have him get on a really good team here and get him private lessons or whatever you can. Chances are, if he keeps with it, when he turns 18 he'll have just as many offers and he can go and travel the world without your other children having to be without their parents. I totally agree with wanting your children to follow their dreams, but he is at such a young age and it is a huge discision, What if when he gets older he decides he doesn't want to play anymore?? You never know what can happen in their teenage years. If you are a religious person, prayer can definitely help. I wish you the best and congratulations on having such gifted children.

Each child is individual do what is best for your child. You can never make things equal and will drive yourself crazy trying. I think if your kids know you love them and that you would do the same for them that is all that matters. I wouldn't focus on the money either. I would focus on each of their individual talents. However, I would make sure you have looked into it, as many of the other moms have very good points about pay for play for the age group your son is in.

Best of blessings to you and don't beat yourself up once you decide. Make a decision and if it works out fine, if not then you move forward seeing what you can learn from it. But if you teach your kids to encourage and not resent one another that will go far. They should be cheering each other on not comparing. Kids always feel they are being compared even when we try not to, so I would just do your best. Just find the other children's talents and encourage them in that way. Every child is unique as you said, and if you encourage them in their interests I am sure they will be fine. If they know you are uncomfortable with the decision it probably will make them feel it is unfair.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world, no matter how many books you read reality is so much harder.

Take care I will be praying for your peace in the situation,

One last comment. God has given all our kids unique gifts, they are all just different.
Because one is better in sports doesn't mean they are more gifted. One could be a very talented artist. Everyone has their own unique direction, vocation, talents, and it seems like you are doing a good job encouraging that.
K.

I agree with those who think you should wait. My question is this...will the same opportunity present itself again in a year or two when your oldest has left home, and would it be easier to manage then?

My two oldest are also exceptionally gifted, but we decided to pass up some opportunities for the oldest based on her young age. By waiting, we also had the opportunity to save $ for the future. Now, two years later, the same opportunities have presented themselves again, and we have found that we are in a better financial position to accept them. As well, she is more mature and knows that this is really what she wants.

On the flip side, we did pursue another talent of hers, and she now wants nothing to do with it. She is bored and ready to be done, at only 13.

I wouldn't be too worried about "equal treatment" for your other kids. It sounds like they have each chosen their own activities, and you would be just as supportive in their activities as you are of this son.

Wow. You do have quite a decision to make. First Kuddos to you and your husband for raising exceptional kids. Plus kuddos to them for having dreams, determination, and a good work ethic at such a young age. You asked alot of great questions and seem to have given every angle some great thought and are really in tune and compassionate with each child. It will be a tough decision for your whole family I am sure.
My only suggestion is when you call a family meeting it to set rules for a discussion first:) Only the one with the talking stick (yes, literally get some sort of stick and decorate it with ribbons), gets to speak. The others have to really listen. Each person gets a chance at holding the talking stick. Another good rule is to use "I" messages, and not judging or pointing fingers type of remarks. Every person needs to feel validated and not feel that they have to defend themselves. I bet that they will really surprise you and will come up with a workable solution. Have them look at this as a challenge instead of a problem. At some point, others in the family will be making sacrifices if you follow your son's soccor path...but it doesn't have to be forever either. The positive I see is that your oldest is old enough to be very independent and more mature to handle a sticky situation. Your 8 and 5 yr olds are young enough that if you do put more energy and finances to your 11 yr old, there will be enough time for them to follow their dreams.
Another thought I have is this. Do not be attached to any outcome. It is one thing to encourage our children to do their best and to support them in following their dreams and having goals, but it quite another to be so focused on the end, we miss the journey. Sometimes our kiddos (and our own) paths can take exciting twists and turns and if we are attached to the outcome we don't grow or explore new adventures or better dreams.
I hope this helps you. Much good energy to you and your family. Enjoy the journey:)

In peace,
A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor.
www.birthingfromwithin.com

I don't necissarily think this is a decision your other kids should be involved in. I understand that they will be affected by the decision but that doesn't mean they need to be the decision makers. If you allow them to make the decision and they decide "no" then your son will probably think it is their fault which would cause the same sort of sibling dilema. If your son wants to do this and you have the financial means and the time, then I say do it. Your son needs to realize the commitment he is making and you will need to support it. As long as it doesn't take away from the other kids activities why not. You have 4 kids so of course getting all of them to each of their activities is going to be tough, but I don't think that means that any one of them should have to not accept an opportunity like that if that is really what they want to do and you can afford it.

H.,

I would have the family discussion as follows: I would tell your sweet kiddos that they are all so talented and that you are so proud of them and want to be able to keep them involved in everything that they are doing but that they are going to need to help out with the expenses..

I know on the surface that sounds totally wrong but realize that summer is here. The kids are out of school and the "work" you give them will help them appreciate the opportunities they have. You could have a family yard sale, car wash, or pick up a paper route for the summer. They will more then likely get even more reward out of their activities after they have helped provide a way for them to attend.

I would not tell the other kids that your one son is more exceptional then the others, you will be setting yourself up for serious family drama. I think if you approach it with a positive attitude they will not see it as a chore but rather a way to help their own opportunities grow.

Good luck and congrats on some great kiddos!

That's a tough one. I would make sure each one of them knows the situation and let them have a say; everyone gets a chance to talk with everyone listening. (this may take a while) When everyone is done talking let everyone go their seperate ways to think about it. Then over the course of the next few days each one will come back and tell you what they think. It's important that each one gets a say and feels like their opinion is important, then when you make a choice it will be as a family and they will be more supportive. If you get different opinions you may need to have another family meeting to bring up more concerns. Good luck to you.

just a thought.... if soccer is truly his dream, he will pursue it later. Give it some time to see if this is REALLY what he wants to do. He might surprise you and become an engineer. My husband was offered a full ride scholarship for soccer and turned it down to go into the ministry. Just because he has a talent doesn't mean that's where he's headed.
Best of luck as you pray for direction for your family.

I would look more into the soccer club because I've heard of (first hand) scams where you pay a lot of money and your kid doesn't get picked to go or they go and sit out the whole time, etc.
So before you even consider what's 'fair' (which life just isn't) (and when you have more then one kid they get to realize earlier then others that lesson)...I would find and talk to other parents who have participated in the program to see if it's worth gambling your well earned money....

Do not deny this boy the opportunity just because you want to keep things equal between all of your children. Sacrifice and failure are a part of life and they will all need to experience it sooner or later. Anyways, I am sure that once you talk to the family they will be excited for your 11 year old and want to help him realize his dream.

I would wait. I, too, question how beneficial this would really be for an 11 yr old. If it was a summer traveling program, then sure, but this sounds like a huge commitment and I really don't see how any pro teams would be scouting pre-teen kids. If your son is that talented, then there will be college scholarships offered in 6 years, or even opportunities to be seen by foreign clubs when he's nearing the age to be eligible to play pro. But at 11? Doesn't make sense.

I also question the "pay-for-play" deals. Yes, soccer is huge in other countries (I've lived in Australia and Singapore) but I've not seen kids/children's soccer leagues ever being a paid sport. And if the "pay" is put away in the form of college scholarships, etc... what would be the benefit? Many colleges and clubs may offer him scholarships and positions when he's actually of the age to use them.

The chances of him burning out or injuring his not-yet-mature body in the next 6 years would be a concern for me. Soccer is an adult sport - not like girl's gymnastics where they train very young and then peak at 16 or so.

My brother went to college on a full soccer scholarship and hoped to play pro. Then he blew out both his knees, had several surgeries and never played competitively again. Not to be negative, just saying that so many things can happen in the future. I would look into some very good, competitive clubs that would give him the opportunity to travel and play within the US, and maybe even involve some foreign play. My brother's team hosted and played with a number of European teams in his high school years.

I don't think it's about "fairness" between your children at this point. I'm questioning whether it's the best thing for your 11 yr old boy. If you were talking about a female gymnast or figure skater, I'd feel differently. Good Luck!

He is the middle boy..they need attention. Excel his talents.

I think the bottom line is that if your family ( +kids) are not affected to taking a chance, then go for it. If they are bothered by this issue... they could be resentful if you follow through with it after you have asked them for in-site. They may not feel their opinion does not matter. In my opinion...The 17 yr old would be the one that would have more emotional frusteration then the other two. The younger ones will adapt.
Is it possible for one parent to be involved in this and the other home with the kids....
If your son has great gifts and opportunity it will not be the last time to have such a honor to do something like this. He may have another chance when he is older.
It is a tough one. No doubt. Try to remember.....
Family can be loved and you can still give a great amount of attention to those 3 children no matter where you live...but I would be more worried about the 17 yr old myself.