...when Kids Don't like Something About Themselves That They Can't Change

my son too hated being adopted and being korean in 1st grade... i introduced him to someone who was also adopted in his school but from china.. who loved being adopted... she had a great influence on him. it made him feel much better because i found someone who was like him... she was awesome... find someone else short.. a boy would be a plus.. find a book about small things... how great things come in small packages.. good luck

I suggest that you take him to see a pediatrician. It would be unusual for a three yo and a seven yo to be close to the same height. He may need some medical attention. If not, he would at least be reassured by the doctor that he will continue growing and that his height is normal. That would probably help him a lot.

Is he noticeable shorter than the majority of his classmates? that would be another indication of whether or not his high is typical.

I suggest that you continue to remind him that all children grow at different rates and that you love him no matter how tall or short he is. I'd also tell those friends and relatives to stop comparing the two children. They are being rude and unfeeling. Tell them that their comments are hurting your son and so please stop!

Then, when anyone comments on any of your children's heights quickly change the subject. Think of a couple of lines that naturally segue into a different area of conversation. Perhaps comment on how well your son is doing in such and such. Completely ignore the height comment.

I do wonder, if so many people are making comments because they wonder if your son has a medical condition that should be addressed. Ask his doctor.

I also would take him to the doctor to make sure all is well, but that isn't going to solve the predicament totally.

All my children have something that they really don't care for. In fact everyone does. It's all in the way you see it. I have worked hard with my children to not focus on what they don't have, but what they do. For all things, there is a reason and it is all in the way you handle it that gets you were you are. You can choose to let it bother you or you can choose to use it to your advantage.

It really helps that they have a faith. I can then explain that God has made us each different so that we can better help each other to get to heaven. What I need to get to heaven is not the same as what someone else needs. I also explain that life isn't always going to be as we would like but it is how we conduct ourselves along the way that gets us to heaven.

My family is blessed with a skinny gene. Everyone is tall and thin, eats what they want, however much they want, and we stay thin. The dream of everyone, and just what our society values. I have 4 children, 3 of them tall and thin. My younger daughter is built like her dad's side of the family. In no way is she heavy, but put her next to us and she looks chunky. She is 18, and maybe 5' tall. My 9 year old is only about 3 inches shorter. Her older sister is 5'7". She has at times referred to herself as "fat". She MIGHT weigh 115-120. But her sister only weighs about 102. So see her struggle?

I've tried her whole life to build up what is great about her. She is the smartest thing, extremely intelligent, bubbly and personable with killer dimples. Non-family members tease her about being skinny and tiny, but I know she compares herself to sis. Not to the point of anorexia or anything like that, but I know she's always struggled with the family comparison.

Our son was bigger than most at birth. He was a tall toddler and everyone thought he was a couple years older than he was. He was the tallest in kindergarted and parents always asked if he was older. I dont think it bothered him at all. By the time he was in 4th and 5th grade, he was shorter than most. They had their growth spurts and he seemed to stay the same. By the end of Jr High, he was still short. He hit high school and was still somewhat on the smaller side. His senior year all of a sudden he grew, and grew and grew. We couldnt buy clothes long enough and were constantly buying longer pants. He grew after high shool also, and now, at 30 years old he is 6 ft 5 and taller than most. His dad also was a late bloomer. He graduated HS a skinny 5 ft tall weighing 120 pounds. By the time we met 4 years later, he was 6 ft tall and weighed 220 pounds. So there is no telling when they will hit their growth spurts and how they will end up until way later in life. 7 is pretty young to be worried about it and Id just explain to him that people grow at all different times, and if he eats well, and exercises plenty it gives his body all the chance to do its best and turn out healthy. Have him look at jockys and talk about how important their shorter stature is, and how being too tall can have its disadvantages. Small sports cars are hard to get in when you are over 6 ft tall. Just let him know how much the world offers for both tall and short and what matters most is that he is a good person and happy with whatever his physical appearance is.

I agree with the others who said check with your dr. to make sure there isn't a problem. There probably isn't and just because he is short now doesn't mean he will be as an adult. My brother was always the shortest kid in his class. He finally started growing in about 9th grade and continued to grow into his early 20's. He stopped at just under 6 ft.

I am not sure what you can do to make him feel better other than focus on his great qualities and reassure him that he very likely will grow. You can also talk about all the successful people that are not tall - Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman, Mickey Rooney to name a few.

it's actually not a bad thing. (except like the first responder said, i would definitely have his dr. check him out to rule out medical issues). it's a great opportunity for you to teach him how to deal when things don't go his way...thank goodness he is such a great kid already. now you can teach him how to look on the positive when things don't look so great. if everyone was perfect it would be a boring world! have the attitude that it's no big deal, put a positive spin on it, and of course, reassure him that you love him 100% no matter his size.

I agree that you need to let family members know that the comparisions they are making, no matter how well meaning they are, make you son uncomfortable and unhappy.
Does your son actually voice the feelings that he has about being short? That would be the time for you to step in and reassure him that his self worth is NOT determined by how tall he is, remind him of a friend of his who has a "deficiency"....."Your friend Tony, you can run WAY faster than he can but that doesn't mean you don't really like him as a friend does it?" or "Your friend Suzy, she is afraid to swing high on the swings but that doesn't mean she can't still have fun with you on the play ground does it?" Start instilling the idea in his head that each of us is different, we each have our strong points and our not-so-strong points but we are still important and we are still loveable.
Also, don't let your concern about this issue make him even more aware of it than he already is. Let him guide you in how to help him deal with this.
A lot of it just has to do with self confidence...I have become more than a little overweight as I have gotten older...I hate it...I wish I were thin like I was in my youth but I also know that it doesn't change what I am on the INSIDE!!! I am still a funny, enjoyable person to be around and my family still loves my like crazy!! THAT is what is really important!!!

I've got two boys who are the same size, but are 2 years apart.
The older boy has other issues, so I hope a lack of height doesn't add to his problems, but some kids are just late bloomers.
Personally, I didn't really grow after 8th grade...
You have gotten some good advice already, and I think some of it should help.
I would add that you can find things that are special and positive about your son and make sure he feels confident about those things.
Also, make sure you privately tell his siblings to always be on his side and stand up for him and not tease him themselves---sometimes those sibling relationships can make the difference in school. Other kids may not tease if they know they will make enemies of his siblings.

You've already received a lot of good advice. Are most of the comments coming from peers or adults? If it's his peers, it might be helpful to remind him that one of the main reasons that other people make negative remarks about someone else is because they're insecure and are trying to make themselves feel better by trying to make someone else feel worse (I know that when my daughters were 7, many of the taller boys in their classes would make snide comments about the smaller boys who were still using booster seats for field trips). Maybe find a few biographies of petite people who didn't let their small stature prevent them from achieving big goals. And most of all, continue doing what you're doing - loving him and supporting him and letting him know that his place in your heart is just as "big" as that of his siblings. We can't control what other people say to our kids, but we *can* make our homes a place where our kids can grow confident that they're loved for the unique people that they are

Hi J.,

I think this is a completely natural part of life and its struggles -- even though it's heartbreaking! I'm reading "Nurture Shock" right now, which has a couple chapters that are very much related to this topic. Perhaps because he's always been smart, easy going and confident, this new feeling of being somehow 'not ideal' (even though he's obviously unchanged) is throwing him for a loop. Like one other person wrote, this is actually a good thing to learn at a young age. Kids do a lot better in life if they learn about coping, overcoming, even failing instead of ALWAYS being "successful".

Ok sorry, I realize I haven't actually answered your questions but I'm so excited about the book and how it relates, I couldn't resist giving my thoughts :)

I think the best thing to do is roll with it in a certain sense while offering lots of love and support. (Another good book: "Unconditional Love by Alfie Kohn.) Definitely avoid the negative comments when possible but not completely. Take the time to acknowledge how he's feeling to give him opportunities to talk: "It probably feels strange to have people talk about your size doesn't it?" Explain to him that people are making observations but that maybe they aren't meant to make him feel bad. That they simply might be trying to compliment his sister, not realizing it could be making him uncomfortable. (He is still her 'big brother' after all). Reassure him that people come in all shapes and sizes and grow at different times, but that he may never be very tall and that's ok! If he complains about outright meanness from other kids, maybe provide a few 'healthy', funny (humor can stop evil in it's tracks :) come-backs for him... even if he doesn't say them aloud, just having them in his head could give him a boost.

After the intial shock wears off, I think he eventually will be fine if he knows deep down he's accepted and supported by his loved ones and he realizes he's the same great person he always was! It can't be easy for either of you -- but he sounds like a kid that can overcome this!

Lastly, one of my favorite books as a kid was Leo the Late Bloomer :)

He seems young to already be worried about something such as height. What brought on this concern for him already? I would figure that out first and nip it in the bud. There is nothing wrong with being tall or short or somewhere inbetween... this should not be concerning him at all unless he thinks he's going to be a major league basketball player. Someone has brought this to his attention, someone that is trying to make him feel bad about himself. Find out who that was... and have a stern talk.