When Is It Enough

S......I have just came back with my family from holidays vacations....I understand you SO WELL, and over the last 5 yrs I have felt the same way like you. We left to FL on Dec 22nd (by car...!!!) and I have just came back ...I am SO EXHAUSTED, taking care of the kids and having "vacations" with my husband..I never get to relax or enjoy anything..I am too tired. Before the trip, I have to take care of the presents for my in-laws..and prepare the trip ....We stayed at my brother in law's...We try to go everywhere and spend some time with my husband's family.
I wanted to stay home for this time. The trip is too long and hard on my 22nd old mo baby, (even when we stop frequently and stay overnight to break the trip in two). I just want to tell you that you are not alone..I love Christmas as well, but it is getting extremely exhausting, and no real spiritual sense at all..Next holidays, I promised this will change.....
Take care

Alejandra

I agree! I was going nuts this year trying to get it all done myself, and I was miserable. I love doing the work, and I love all the preparations, but if you are doing it alone, it really isn't fun! My husband helped in other ways, but he was busy with other family stuff. We did at least tell his family that we were going to stay home until about 2:00, and they had a fit! We have 4 kids and they don't have little ones anymore...it just takes time to open gifts and enjoy the morning. Maybe I will understand it when my children are grown and I don't have anything to do on Christmas!

We stayed home this year. It was a very relaxing Christmas for a change. I will not do that for every Christmas but it will be nice once in a while. Try just planning on getting together with just one family group per holiday. It really helps.

I don't blame you for wanting to have an at-home Christmas for your children. As a child, I was dragged to the Grandparents home (the 'don't touch that' place) every Christmas.
As a result, my grown children and grandchildren know that Grandmas house is open all week for a relaxed visit. We keep an array of casual foods available for a quick but seasonal meal at the drop of a hat. I never insist that any of them come for a specific day to celebrate. Because of family dissoulutions and remarriages, the grandchildren just have too many places demanding their time.
Just explain it lovingly to your extended family and invite them to drop in to share in the family festivities. I am reasonably sure that they would understand, and maybe find the break from holiday overload to also be a relief.

It's "time" when you feel as you do. I'm a grandma of 7 now & I well remember that feeling. We made that transition & said anyone was welcome to come to our house on Christmas day, but I was tired of letting my kids open their gifts & then not get to play with them until the next day. We have encouraged our children to do the same thing. We as grandparents can go visit the babies & run around on Christmas! We invited our parents when we were younger or went to see them on Christmas Eve. But Christmas day became our day to stay home with our children & play. We keep dinner simple so mom isn't in the kitchen all day & we stay in our "new pajamas" all day just enjoying the time together. Life is too short. Enjoy it fully.

We said enough is enough a few years back the kids were 6,7,9 it did not go over well with the rest of the family but as the years have gone on they are use to it. They now either send the kids gifts or they come over to our house on another day Or some have stopped giving altogether which is ok less stuff makes for a happy mommy.
One of the things that convinced me was way back when like in the 1800's families lived a long ways away from each other and they celebrated on their own and lived to see tomorrow. Yesterday we stayed home had our own meal and relaxed it was awesome. Last year we did something different we got together with my family earlier in Dec. and exchanged goofy gifts and ate alot of desserts we all had a blast and everyone stayed home on Christmas day.
When you start wondering "when do I get to start our own traditions" that is when you should start.

Hey there S.,

Ugh! I can totally relate! Every year we try to have a relaxed Christmas. It always ends up that we run around crazy though! Next year, no matter what, we are staying home and doing nothing but eating too much and playing with our presents. I'm starting right now getting everybody used to that idea too. I'm telling all the grandparents and aunties and such that they can come to our house if they'd like to see us. We will not be "hosting" though. We will be in our pajamas probably eating crackers, cheese and sausage. Hee hee! That just sounds like a better time to me!

Good luck to you!

C.
www.EnhanceYourWayOfLife.com

NO that is not wrong at all, I would just talk to your family next year or even send out an email/letter to those who do not have email and say something like this.....This year for Christmas we would love to invite you to our home. And invite people to come and go and bring gifts over to your house to exchange, have a time frame after you will be done opening gifts I have done this before and it worked great and the kids liked it too then they could show everyone what they got that morning, serve something simple like finger foods.

Hope this helps! I have 3 kids and am divorced and remarried so trust me I know about hitting all the families!

Personally, I don't think it would be wrong to stay home with your own immediate family. If you need a break, take it. Try to enjoy the holiday, as it is for you too, and not just for everyone else. Another suggestion, could you say next year that that have festivities at your home, and whoever wants to come by and see you guys can.

We had this same issue. My inlaws (plus their huge extended family) always celebrate on Christams eve. The first few years we went, the celebration lasted until past midnight. No big deal with adults, but once we had kids, it was a major issue-way past bedtime, makes for very crabby kids on Christmas--no fun for anyone! So, I started telling them we needed to leave earlier. One year, we walked out at 9 (I had warned them we would be leaving at 9). We missed some presents and dessert, but my kids got home in in bed, somewhat close to on time. As the years have gone by, things get finished earier and earlier--they all know we'll leave.

We tell all our families that Christmas is just for us. We started this a couple of years ago and it was the best thing ever. We hang out in pj's all day, the kids play with their toys and we make Christmas cookies and eat them for lunch. My in-laws weren't pleased about not seeing them on Christmas (yes, they had already seen them the night before), but after 3 years, they've come to expect it. My mom is great, we celebrate with her a few days before Christmas-the kids get to open their gifts early and actually appreciate and play with what they get.

Good luck. It's a tough call to make. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page, then tell your families. They'll complain about it for a couple of years, but then come to accept it. That's the best thing we've done for ourselves.

I actually struggled with the same thing this holiday. I actually did say "enough", and we had one of the most memorable holidays with our kids to date. We all got up Christmas morning, opened gifts, had breakfast, and didn't have to rush to clean up the house for company. While I love holiday get-togethers, I decided this year that it was pointless to have them if noone had fun. We spent the few days leading up to Christmas getting together with family, but decided that from now on, Christmas would be ours! Noone was offended, as I started 'warning' months ahead that we were just too stressed on Christmas, and knew everyone else probably was too, and that we were going to downsize.

Enough is when you say, "Enough!" It begins by setting limits with yourself, your friends & family. The point of Christmas is to take time out to remember the joy of the season & by your post, it is apparent you are not.

As for the gift giving, try giving homemade or free gifts to cut costs (if budgets ae a concern). Give the gift of time. This could be in the form of babysitting children for friends & family, offering to gather and do each others manicures or facials for your girlfriends, offering to clean each other's houses, etc. Volunteering time in the community in the name of the person you are gifting your time, and the list goes on.

Bottom line, you set the rules how how your time is spent and the rest will fall into place when you start respecting your own limits. Morever, others will respect your limits as well and may find themselves thanking you for setting limits they are unable to set for themselves. Be a leader not a follower. Set an example for not only friends & family, but your children as well.

I just recently broke my colar bone and I could not pick up my 18 month old toddler for 5 weeks!! It took this feeling of helplessness for me to appreciate my family to the fullest extent (despite how much they drive me crazy). My husband travels - so I had to stay at my parents and have the in-laws help out. I have had to soly rely on my family and REALLY appreciate my friends for taking me out when I am bored. I went to 4 Family Christmas's and put up with the few days of rushing to show everyone my appreciation while injured. I do agree that there should always be an intimate family celebration as well....time should definitely be made for that. I just think its always good to make that once a year showing of thanks.....no matter how much it drives ya crazy ( I HEAR YA!)

S.,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a close intimate Christmas with your family at home. Let me guess...the kids are cranky and feel shuffled after the holidays? Mom and Dad are so tired of hauling the kids around to other family member's houses that they're exhausted to the point of not being able to enjoy the holiday?

I think sometimes you have to consider the closeness of family as your top priority. You might say to your extended family that you're trying something new and you & your husband have decided to stay close at home with just the kids. If your extended family gets upset, it's important to remember that you and your husband are ultimately responsible for those little lives and if they will enjoy the holidays much more from home, sometimes you have to put feelings of others in a different position. Your kids will always remember the Christmas at home with just Mommy & Daddy. And what's more, it gives the perfect opportunity to build new traditions, whether it's baking cookies or playing Monopoly or watching your favorite holiday movie, TOGETHER. It gives them a sense of belonging and a sense of importance. How special would it be if they always remembered how they felt on those Christmas' spent at home?

I commend you on putting your family first! Keep it up!

I would say start anytime saying I think this year I will be spending Christmas with just the family, if they get upset oh well they will get over it, its your life you need to do whats right for you and your family. Maybe make a new tradition and have people over your house or suggest having Christmas at different relatives every year, one year your house, next year someone elses and the following year someone elses. It could work.

I have horrible childhood memories of being rushed through one side's Christmas Eve party, home for not much sleeping, presents in the morning, rushing around to get ready... for the other side's Christmas party. We ended up with tons of toys, but we never got much chance to play with them! My sibs and I felt the same way, so when we started having children of our own we all decided that we would get the extended/sides of our (as opposed to spouses) family together some point before or after Christmas. This year it was the 23, last year the 27, I think. It is such a relief, and it means that even if the spouse's side gets together, we only have one chaotic even to worry about at a time! (Of course, I got REALLY lucky and married a Jewish man :). I understand where you're coming from-- I disliked Christmas for a long time b/c of the craziness I remembered from childhood. Take back the holiday!

The whole reason for the season is to appreciate family and enjoy the people you love. Just put your foot down! If people want to see you or your kids, they can come to you. My husband and I have rotated between his parents and mine since we got married (6 years ago). We now have a 17 month old and have spent one Christmas with each side after which we said, "Christmas next year will be at our house. You are all more than welcome to come, but we will not be traveling." And wouldn't you know, everyone is making plans to accomodate us. No one WANTS you to be stressed, but many take for granted that things will be how they have always been - until someone suggests otherwise. Plan now for next year to be more fun and more relaxing and maybe you'll get what you want.

Hi S.,

I know exactly how you feel. This year Friday night we exchanged gifts with some close friends. On Saturday we cleaned the house (we were having Christmas eve this year) and Saturday night we finished our shopping. On Sunday we finished cleaning the house finished wrapping the presents and some more close friends came over and we went out to dinner and played some games when we got back.
On Monday morning my husband and I got up and starting things for our dinner. I made dressing, deviled eggs, a vegetable tray, pickle tray, and mashed potatoes and gravy. We had everything done at 5:30 pm and we told everyone to be here ay 6:00 pm. After we ate we cleaned up the kitchen and opened gifts and then we played games again. We had a good time and alot of fun. BUT, it sure wears a person out doing all of this stuff. Christmas was here at our house this year so we didn't have to do all the running around but did have to do all the cleaning and rearranging to accomodate all of our family.

Hi S., I am a grandma to five boys, 7,4 1/2, 3, 20 months
and 8 months. I babysit the 4 1/2,20 months and 8 month old
every day M-F! I am very flexible when it comes to holidays
because when my two were growing up we had the same issue!
Hurry up open your gifts from Santa because we have places to
go! So I swore when I had grandkids we would just go with the
flow! I have told my son and daughter that anytime we need
to change when we have christmas together let me know. My
suggestion would be to do one on Christmas Eve and one Christmas day or some in my immediate family do Christmas the
weekend before or after Christmas. It doesn't have to be ON
Christmas to be with your loved ones, the important thing is
to ENJOY and be with everyone! Same thing with Thanksgiving,
we have offered to do it before or after. Hope this helps,
and I hope you have a great rest of the holidays! Nana in
St. Louis

oh, i know how you feel. lord i know how you feel! but it depends on the type of family you and your husband have. i tried it one year. to stay home and have everyone over our house, well, my family showed up, my husbands did not, and then made me feel bad all year about it. then i got the idea to just have everyone over to his familys house, and his parents agreed to let my mother come out there. well that was a distaster..they completly ignored her, and made her feel so bad that she swore never to come out again......and i tried to tell everyone that we will go to their houses sometime before or after christmas, and that was more heartache than it was worth, i got yelled at by his parents if we didn't come out to their house first...and i finally realized that i'm doomed to do the run around thing on christmas eve and christmas day. its rush rush rush....but keeps me from wanting to strangle my in laws! lol.....

good luck to you. and you will figure out whats best for you and your family.....hope you do better than i did! lol

We decided when we had our son (now 10) that we would spend Christmas day at home so we could build our own traditions. My family is fine with that but my MIL takes it as a personal insult that we won't run all over the city to go to their family things. I've stood my ground and the only time we have gone anywhere was to my parents for Christmas when my father had terminal cancer and we knew it would be his last Christmas.

I have never regretted the decision to stay home Christmas day. It has taken the stress away for my husband and me, and the kids love it. Yesterday my MIL tried to convince my husband to drop our kids off at my SIL's house on his way to work in the afternoon for their Christmas get-together. We let the kids choose and they said no! :-)

We just don't get the overwhelming stress about Christmas when we stick to our rule. Make the decision for what's best for you, your husband and children. Don't let relatives bully you into doing what they want.

I decided on thanksgiving that I was ready to branch out on my own and stop doing christmas with the family...we got together on christmas eve instead...it was different but I got to concentrate all of my attention on my own children opening gifts on christmas day, without rushing to get ready to go somewhere. It was a very nice christmas!

I totally agree! I just came home from Xmas with my family and watched my mom and dad try to shove our traditions down my SIL's throat and force her to get along with my horrible other SIL...stressful! I will not do it again! If they want to spend Xmas with me and my 4 kids, they can drive the hour to my house and deal with my traditions, cuz I am sick of it too! All that running around and your are supposed to enjoy it and its supposed to be about the kids, and I need a Xanax still!
Don't let them make you feel guilty! Invite them over for Xmas eve to exchange gifts with you and your family. Let them know they are welcome to come Xmas morning and watch the kids open gifts, but you expect them to bring donuts! I am all for letting Xmas get back to about the kids and laid back! Just think of all the stuff you wont have to pack up and haul back home!
Its nice to know that I am not the only one that feels this way!

Merry Relaxing Xmas to you!

M.

Is it that you're rushing to two different houses on one day? My family has done Thanksgiving on the Saturday after for as long as I can remember. My grandmother was a nurse, and always worked Thanksgiving so she could have Christmas off. As we have all grown up and married, it's turned out to be a real blessing. Then about 13 years ago, we started doing Christmas on an off day. That started because my brother was in the Air Force and couldn't get home till New Year's. We all thought it was great - much less stressful and we could take advantage of the after-Christmas sales.

Now - all of that to say - You have your own family now, and you are entitled to spend the holidays the way you and your husband decide. Remember, though - your kids are watching and one day they'll have their own families and be dealing with this same issue. Think about how you want them to handle it. I think a great compromise would be to let the families know you'll spend Thanksgiving day with one family and Christmas (or Christmas Eve depending on your traditions) with the other family. Suggest that the family "getting you" for Thanksgiving have a celebration on a day other than Christmas, and the ones that get Christmas have a celebration on a day other than Thanksgiving. You know your parents and in-laws and whether this will be a hassle or not. You'll just have to decide which hassle you want - the possible arguments from your families, or the rush and stress of continuing the way it is.

We actually did that this year. My kids are at the age to really start enjoying Christmas (4 and 2 --- the 4-yr old especially) and we were just tired of all the rushing around trying to please everyone but ourselves. So we told everyone we weren't doing anything Christmas Day. They totally respected it and we stayed in our jammies all day long, made a breakfast casserole, ate finger foods for lunch and I made a crock pot meal for dinner and the day was just so fantastic. I really recommend it. Do it next year . . . and tell your family now that you're going to do it . . . that way plans can made accordingly and you'll make everyone happy.

S.,

It is totally up to you and your husband! You might want to try and invite everyone over to your house and see if that works. My parents just invite everyone over to their house for the holidays. With us kids it is more of an expectation. They might have a small house and several grandbabies and a few more on the way, but it is a house full of love.

Dear S.,

I agree with all the other mothers. It sounds like it it time to take back Christmas. My husband and I are having to make the same choice. We have let the families decide where and when they want to get together. This year was just to much for my 3 year old to handle.

We drove an hour to Lawrence for Christmas Eve with my extended family. Since my brother works for a hospital the dinner was very late. He doesn't get off his shift till 7 pm. My daughter fell asleep in the car on the way home. When we got her out to go upstairs to bed she cried. Then continued to wake up every two hours the rest of the night crying. I could have handled it by letting her sleep in the next day, but we had a two hour drive south to make by noon for dinner and Christmas present exchange with my in-laws.

So, my husband and I had to get up early Christmas morning pack the car, get dressed, and pray she woke up in time to do our gifts and Santa's before bundling her into the car.
Fortunately, she cooperated and everything worked out. We were so tired that we took turns driving. Along the way we agreed that this could not continue is just was not fair to our family. So, we worked as a team planting the idea that next year we wanted to have at least Christmas Day to ourselves. I think the rest of the family understands.

Good Luck,

J. N.