When I Feel like My Head Is Just Going to Explode...

Beyond normal. Your daughter sounds unusually obsessive about her preferences, and possibly compulsive. She may also have sensory issues that she has no control over, and without professional help, she may not be able to gain self-control in the future. Even though her behavior seems willful, she most likely can't help it. Some kids are born this way, and it can be hell for them as well as their families.

I appreciate the honesty of your question/predicament. What a tough spot. YOU need help and tactics for dealing with her before she gets too big to control physically. PLEASE get her evaluated, starting with your pediatrician.

One immediate technique that has been used effectively by some caregivers is to enfold the child in your lap, facing away from you, holding flailing arms down gently and firmly. Keep your head to the side to avert head-butting (a small pillow may help). Keep delivering loving messages in a calm voice, no matter how frantic or anxious you feel (and that can be intense, but most adults can outlast most children). The screaming can go on for some time, but you're not hurting the child. Gradually, she may begin to recognize that you are protecting and guiding her toward calm. After a long episode (can be 40 minutes or more for some), the child will often surrender into relaxation, and even seem to bond more deeply with the adult. Future outburst can gradually become shorter and milder, unless serious mental imbalance is blocking this progress (back to that professional help you may need).

I wish the best for your family.

ADDED: I see from another recent answer of yours that you have a history of intense addiction to a really heavy drug (my admiration for your recovery!!!). I'm NOT trying to guilt you, and I'm no expert, so I hope you can deal with this as pure information, but that history could alter your children's genetic expression (a new field of investigation called 'epigenetics' is turning up all kinds of continuing effects on genes well into future generations from experiences and exposures in the parents/grandparents). If (and of course that's a big IF) that has occurred for your daughter, then she (and you) really may need outside, professional help to guide her toward a future of solid mental health. I am praying for you.

YOU need to advocate for your child.
No matter WHAT your husband thinks.
Start with your pediatrician.
Call & make an appointment.

3 is a challenging age and we had to ramp up consistency, post rules & review daily.
But frankly, in my NONexpert opinion, what you're describing doesn't sound typical.
And that might explain why you cannot apply logic to solve these issues.

I have not read the other answers so I don't know if this has been suggested or not, but I really think that you should video tape her behavior for your husband and use that to convince him that you need outside help. Or take a mommy vacation or a vacation with you and your older daughter, and let hubby care for the younger daughter for a weekend. His opinion will probably change after he sees how bad it really is!

I would talk to your pediatrician and ask about a referral. I am certainly no specialist and have no "special" knowledge. My kids didn't behave like that, and I don't know any who do/who have, except for kids with atypical issues.
OCD comes to mind. I'm sure that can co-exist with others. And I am equally sure that there are other moms here who have and do deal with atypical children who might have some more specific suggestions/ideas.

But it sounds to me like you need an evaluation so you know what you are dealing with from a clinical perspective. And if your husband won't listen to you, perhaps he will listen to your daughter's doctor?

It could be just typical for some children routines/self soothing/slight sensory issues that she is dealing with and you are dealing with....OR it could be a non-typical issue you are dealing with and are not getting the proper help for her or yourself.

The things you are describing my son did to some extent...he counted, he lined things up in size order, smallest to biggest, he came unhinged if some people touched him or if left at Sunday school or any type of drop off. I had him evaluated and he falls into the "highly sensitive child" category...I worked with a child psychologist (referred by my pediatrician) for about three sessions and we got a handle on how to help work with my son. He still deals with stuff, but we know it is his personality and we have learned skills to help him and us.

My SIL was having some of these issues with my niece. They had her evaluated and it turns out she is on the spectrum (autism). She jumped into therapy for my niece with both feet, even taking on a job at night to help pay for extra therapy. Driving her over an hour each way to a special school for three years...now my niece is highly functioning goes to a regular school for Kinder has friends, and might be considered a little "quirky", but she is functioning!! And my SIL has skills to help her deal with the extreme frustration that is raising a child with special needs.

So my advice to you from one mom who was very frustrated to another is call your pediatrician and get a referral for an evaluation. Wouldn't you just be kicking yourself of you waited another six months or a year or two years and that could have been very very valuable time that could be helping your daughter with therapy and helping yourself with more support.

None of us want to think our child has anything "wrong" with them...but don't wait. One mom in my group of girlfriends has a son who we all thought his one eye wasn't in alignment with the other. Suddenly my daughter's eye started to turn and I took her in and found out she needed it fixed ASAP because it can cause blindness if not repaired. So alarmed I told the other mom about her son's eye. (Another friend did too separately from me). She told me I was just seeing that issue everywhere because my daughter had it and her son was just fine!! She actually got quite angry at me and my friend both. She waited almost two years after we mentioned it to her to get him seen...and he is now blind in that eye.

Don't wait for you and your daughter...get an evaluation...even if everything is perfect fine, you can still learn about her personality type and some coping skills to help you with her!!!

Big hugs to you!!!!

If my husband were against, I would do it anyway. I'm sorry, but there are times when I'm just not going to worry about him being on board. This would be one of those times. When one parent wants to keep their head in the sand, the parent who is willing to accept help...might just HAVE to do it on their own. He doesn't own your decision making.

This IS extreme. Extremes don't typically just "get better." Ya know? In the mean time, try not to yell. She is probably just as exacerbated with herself right now. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, because I know it must be so hard. I know you already feel bad, so that's not my intent. Go into the bathroom and lock the door, punch a pillow, do what you have to. If it were me, I'd be calling my doctor tomorrow.

Hmmm, she's still quite young. I actually see some of these behaviors in my younger son whose the same age...he always wants to open the door first, he has to turn the light off when leaving the room, be the first down the stairs, get in/out of car himself. He's prone to meltdowns if he doesn't get his way. I think he tries to control a lot of things and I think it has to do with his age and maybe the fact that he has an older brother so close in age. His older brother wasn't like that at all and the things I did with older brother do not work for younger brother. How does she do with other people? I ask because I've left my son in the care of others before; mom playgroups, with friends for a few hours...and I'm always told how wonderful his behavior was. It's hard on my patience and I keep hoping he outgrows it, I just believe he's a very strong willed child.

OK, Breathe. Have you talked to your pediatrician about what's going on? Sometimes we think things are personality, when there could be an underlying issue. The reason I ask is you mention when you do things "wrong". Is she very regimented? Do things have to be "just so"? It may be worth getting an evaluation by the school district for early intervention in case she has a sensory issue or something like that. If she does, you'll get help to deal with it. If she doesn't, you'll know that it's something the both of you have to work around. I wish you the best!

Add: per your SWH, your husband is wrong. If something's wrong, she will NOT grow out of it. Sadly, dads can have a very hard time when something could be wrong with their child, as if it is a direct reflection on them. Chances are, if she does have a sensory processing issue, that with help, she may get better. But if there is an issue and it is not addressed, it will get worse. There is nothing to loose by having the school district evaluate her. There is only gain.

ADD 2 - if I had to sneak the evaluation (they happen during work/school hours, and usually at a school district building), I would. Your child's well being is more important than your husband's opinion. If there is a way to get him to empathize with her frustration and just get the possibility off the table, do it. If he fights, it's probably because he FEARS it's more than a phase.

Try the book The Secret of Parenting. It is not a cure-all by any means, but ti does offer some helpful tips and insight into why kids do what they do and what they are trying to accomplish... and more importantly, how you can respond without getting emotionally dragged into their tantrum.

There could be other factors influencing your daughter's behavior. They may be things that have nothing to do with you, but you have to get her evaluated to find out. If you do that and there's nothing "wrong" well, then you know how to proceed, but it will give you peace of mind to know where to start.

Be kind to yourself. We all go through times when we feel like we *should be able to handle it all, but I don't know any Mom who hasn't yelled one too many times or too loud or made a mistake that they wish they could change. It's part of being a Mom, part of being human and part of raising decent human beings that see mom's imperfections at times and know that they are still loved.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry that I can't offer advice, but can sympathize. My seven year old was an angel until his sister came along four years later. Now he's a jealous, selfish and potentially aggressive big brother (at home, not at school) while she is a strong-willed, intuitive child who will occasionally melt down at unpredictable moments. It's so hard to balance discipline and patience. I often feel guilty - especially when the eldest shows absolutely no remorse for his actions and I just wonder what the heck I've done wrong - besides adding a (usually sweet) young sibling to the mix. Good luck with whatever path you choose. Often the "it's just a phase" comment is more frustrating than not. Also difficult when you just don't have time to read through a dozen books for help. :(

Hugs to you! It's that strong willed personality that wears us down and causes us to lose it. You are not alone!

Talk to your pediatrician about OCD - seems like she might have this and it is such a battle for parents with kids who have it. My nephew has it and for example won't even consider eating a Ritz cracker if it's not perfectly round and unbroken... Drives.me.insane.....

There are coping mechanisms that can be learned to deal with this. It's worth a discussion with the pediatrician even if you don't go to counseling or have her evaluated.

Good luck!

This is pretty overwhelming. I had my first who was very strong willed.
I read Dr Dobson's strong willed child..of course it was given to me before he was born with the inscription "in case baby------ is like mama------!
It was a bit helpful.
I didn't find "have a new kid by Friday" helpful. It came along too late and I think it would have been just as easy to "play piano by Friday!".

This may be out of the realm of just strong willed.
I just don't know with the counting.
When she becomes out of control and you get her in the cars seat, just stand outside the car and collect yourself. My strong willed child did not hit me or kick me. That also concerns me.
This is the kind of thing best caught early. Explain to your H, that if you find anything out now then intervention can make her elementary years and middle school much easier. He might be concerned with his self image but it's best to address this before SHE has concerns with HER image.
We don't want her self medicating what could have been delt with early.
There are worse things than finding out your 3 yrold needs specific help.
I will pray for God's revealing power.

Her behavior sounds very similar to the little boy I raised for 5 years before he went back to his biological family. I was so stressed out with his behavior. I had him evaluated and in lots of therapy due to his family history and issues. Nothing seemed to help but time. The good news is he is now much easier to deal with at 7 years old. He is still a very sensitive child but much better able to cope with everyday life. I think he just feels things very strongly (both positive and negative) and didn't have the ability at a young age to know how to handle it. Even fun times turned into power struggles. I am sorry I don't have any advice but wanted you to know that I know how hard it is to raise to a spirited child. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for your mistakes. Three seems to be the hardest age. Hopefully she is on the cusp of better self regulation and control. Things do get easier.

she is 2 .. and 2 year olds are like this..

but she is extreme..

do you get a break??

can you afford some time for her at a local day care?? a kindercare or similar/ she sounds like a challenging child. I bet you would have more patience if you got an occassional break.. and hubs doenst get it as he is probably only home for a few hours in teh evening..

We were blessed with a first child much like this...sooooooooooo we are very non-judgemental parents. It also helped prep us for #2 and his behavioral issues around his adoption trauma (#1 is a bio-kid).

Our oldest is very smart...he also is ADHD and has some sensory issues, but based on our parade of monkeys, I think a lot of this is just smart kid + super strong will. The best thing I have found is to set basic rules and consequences and post them all of the house. That gives me parameters in which to respond.

Also, when I am at wit's end with my #2, who is our big button pusher and tantrum thrower, I pull out the video camera and record his behavior. I may just delete it later, but it allows me to remove myself a bit from what's happening.

And yes, I too have dragged the whole dramatic mess from the grocery store back to the van. All I can tell you about that is that I'll be the Mom smiling at you sympathetically when it's oyur kids and not mine.

I'm too delicate today.

I have also heard of epigenetics as Peg mentioned, it is worth looking into in your case, I think you should have your child assessed to deal with any underlying issues.

Sounds like sensory issues--Sensory Processing Disorder. My daughter has it. It is very difficult to handle when they are little. Went through countless and countless screaming and crying meltdowns when my daughter was younger. Two and three years old were the worst, up to the age of five. Once she was in school, it got better, but we then had to deal with meltdowns when she came home from school and decompressed.

It DOES get better. As your daughter grows up (with help from you and a Childhood Specialist--we have our daughter see one. We do NOT have her on any pharma drugs), she will learn how to regulate herself. Besides having SPD, my daughter also has anxiety and OCD.

Counting or other repetitive things (like always needing to be the one to open the door) could be a sign of Obessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Like your husband, my husband didn't want our daughter to see anyone or be evaulated. She had been going to speech (since age 3) and Early Childhood (age 4) and OT/PT through the school district. We did manage to get help for those areas, but still didn't know what the "real" cause was.

When she was 5 years old, I pulled her out of daycare for the summer because I was going to stay home and start up a freelance business. (I am a SAHM/WAHM, strictly because my staying home helps with stress in our household) OMG! I had NO IDEA that my daughter was that way--super clingy so that she literally glued herself to my side all day long. I couldn't leave the room without her crying and screaming or needing to come with me. I could go on and on, but I want to make this posting short (and a side note that we had been getting inklings of "issues" from daycare, but the issues were never bad or severe enou.gh that they needed to be followed up on). My husband ended up home sick for a day the end of August. That was all it took. He saw with his own eyes and heard with his own ears what I'd been telling him all summer. He looked at me and said, get her in to see someone.

So she started seeing a Childhood Specialist right before she started Kindergarten. It only took us two visits for her Specialist to confirm my suspicions that my daughter has high-functioning SPD. She still sees a Childhood Specialist once a month; she is now 13 years old.

For the most part, she does a remarkable job of self-regulating herself. Someone who doesn't know she has SPD wouldn't know she has it. She can hold it together all day at school. It's when she comes home--where she can relax and let down her guard--that we'll see some of her distinct behaviors. She has routines/rituals for getting ready in the morning and going to bed at night. And NONE of them can be skipped. If you push her to go faster--she'll go slower. She has her own pace, and there's not much we can do about prodding her. However, she is getting better about watching time and getting herself ready/moving/going on time, so there isn't much of a battle with that as there used to be. For the longest time when she was little, she used to stay home with my husband while I went and did errands/shopping, because she became too overstimulated and would have meltdowns.

Now that my daughter is a teenager, we have to work on self-esteem. She is very hard on herself and doesn't like herself or the way she is. She wants to be normal, like everyone else. She also doesn't think she's pretty (she takes after my husband's side of the family; big-boned/big-featured); I tell her all the time that she is very beautiful, that she just has to grow into her body (she's going through adolescence, after all).

Here are some books that might be worth reading. They'll give you more insight and some help on how to deal with your daughter:

The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz, MA

Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Children with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) by Lucy Jane Miller, PhD, OTR

The Autism Spectrum: A Parent's Guide to Understanding and Helping Your Child by Lorna Wing, MD

My daughter is also highly sensitive (and highly intelligent), and I have also found this book helpful in dealing with her:

The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, PhD

This sounds a bit like 2 out of my three kids. My first was super intense, my second was like a blip on our radar, and #3...well...if I thought our first was hard, she's even moreso! What really helped me was reading the book Your Spirited Child, by Mary Kurcinka (I might have spelled that wrong). What I loved about it was that she offered techniques to help you work with her preferences (in other words, instead of there being what I think of as a "stop"--something that I want, that she doesn't, that brings on a huge power struggle--she offers ways to gently remove your child from that behavior) instead of fighting them, and ways to teach your child to constructively let go of some of the preferences that might be damaging (inability to transition well, for example, because she is entrenched in one activity). The book talks about using their strong will, being thankful for it (because ultimately, it's not a bad thing to have a child who knows her own mind and is not swayed easily), but also learning how to manage it so that your kid doesn't grow up to be a pain. :) Anyway, she does sound a little over the top, so it's not unreasonable to seek professional help if that feels right, but I also see many many shades of my own kids, and, with the help of that book, we're hanging in there. The last bit of advice: if you feel professional advice is warranted, don't back down. If your doc or ped doesn't take you seriously, seek it out yourself. I think, a lot of times when we have "discipline" issues in our houses, it's easy for some professionals to assume we're just not doing our job, or that hey, yeah, parenting is overwhelming. But if YOU feel in your gut that help is necessary, make sure you get it. Even if they tell you she's normal, at least you'll have the reassurances of a professional, if that's what you want. Either way, I'd suggest reading the book; I think the subtitle of it has somethign to do with your child being intense, or just simply MORE, which sounds accurate! Good luck!