When Do You Involve the Parent of a Misbehaved Kid?

When my daughter was 11, the phone belonged to ME, not her. I paid the bill, and I did not pay a phone bill so that she could use MY phone to act a fool and harass people. If my daughter was bombarding someone with unwanted phone calls, I would like to know about it so that I could revoke her phone privileges as a consequence for her unacceptable behavior.

I see this from a different perspective, because I'm a recovering codependent. I know quite a lot about bad boundaries, because mine were AWFUL, and my observation is that you and your daughter are in some ways instigating this situation. I know that's hard to hear, but believe me, I've been there.

The correct action to take from the very beginning would have been to tell this girl that if she didn't stop, she would go home. Or at least separate her from the rest of the party-goers. Set an immediate boundary and always follow through on what you say. When she did not comply, you ought to have stepped away from the party and call this girl's mother yourself, without any of the girls around and outside of this girl's knowledge. Ask the mother to come and get her unruly child and make it clear that her behavior is intolerable and your daughter will not have contact with her any longer.

We teach people how to treat us. And my not setting that intitial boundary, you've taught this girl that she has no need to respect anything you say or do (to include not answering phone calls and text messages).

I'm sorry all this sounds so mean. Please understand, it's nothing personal! I wish someone had told me where I was messing up in my past when it came to boundaries.

SO....all the above is water under the bridge. What do you do about it now?

1. Call this girl's mother and tell her everything that happened, from the party until now. Stick to the FACTS and do your best to stay calm and kind. And let her know that you should have called her to talk with her, but you never expected it to get so out of control.

2. Let her know that you do not feel that your daughter and hers are a good fit as friends. And tell her that you are supporting your daughter's decision to sever communication with this girl and that you would like the girl not to call or text your daughter any longer.

3. Since you've made your position clear to everyone, and any action at this point is no longer passive, use the block function on both of your phones.

4. It does not matter if the girl would have made herself to be the victim, or if her mother would not have believed her precious angel could be capable of such behavior. She's unwelcome. You've decided. End of story.

I hope all of this helps. ♥

I'll say this: it's up to your daughter to tell the girl what happened and why she is disguted with her friend's behavior. Giving the silent treatment is only creating drama and adding fuel to this girl's fire, plus it gives the other girl the high ground of "I tried, she won't talk to me."

Your daughter can simply tell her "You know, when you came to my birthday party, you were talking badly about other people, you hurt other people's feelings and didn't care. I don't like being around you when you are like this and I don't like how you treat my friends. It's not nice."

I don't think a big confrontation is really necessary, but I do think that this could be a really helpful moment in the long run. This girl needs to know that her actions caused problems for others and that there are consequences. Frankly, I know a parent who spends so much time focusing on her bossy girl's *feelings* being hurt that she doesn't give her kid the real information this little girl needs: "People don't want to be with you when you get snotty and bossy. No one really likes that." I'm sure the parents feel that the attitude is the result of the hurt feelings (instead of the attitude being the reason others don't want to be around this child).

Let it be between the girls, and ONLY if the mom calls you do you really need to bring it up directly to her. At some point, it comes down to this: we can only really parent our own kids. And at this age, if someone called to tell me that my kid was ruining things for their kid, my first question would be "well, did your kid talk to my kid about this?" Make absolutely sure that happens first.

(and when I *would* involve the parent? Physical violence, threats, theft, cheating, intimidation, or actual targeted bullying (beyond 'she hurt my feelings'_-- I need to see a pattern of problematic behavior directed at my kid. Or if they were offering my child illicit substances, stuff like that. I save those conversations for things which require an immediate solution.)

I would disagree that the silent treatment makes people think about what they did to cause someone to avoid them. I think the silent treatment is petty and immature. Plus, it's not your job to get her to think about what she did. Your job is you and your behavior.
At 11 - your daughter needs to start managing her relationships and learning how to navigate a world where people don't always behave the way you want them too. I didn't read your other post, but it seems that you are passive - you didn't confront bad behavior when it was happening and now you are not confronting it again. What does this teach your daughter about standing up for herself?

I would coach my daughter on how to talk with this *friend* and also about how to get some different friends.

In a perfect world your daughter would answer this girls phone call and tell her,.

"I really do not want to be your friend anymore because of the way you acted at my party. You gossiped, you were mean, and worst of all you disrespected my mother. "
Please do not contact me ever again.

But since I am assuming that will never happen. You can decide maybe to just block her calls. Or call the girls mother and explain what is going on.

Or i f the mother contacts you, you can tell her what the deal is.

I told you, in the past, I as the adult have spoken directly to the child what my expectation for their behavior was. IF they could not get it together, I spoke with their parent. I always tried to be sympathetic and acknowledge these are children, but once they have been asked to stop poor behaviors, I expect them to either respect this, or to expect me to call and speak with their parents.

We had very few problems because I make my expectations pretty clear. I am not stern or mean. Many times I joked about my own poor behaviors and my regrets for not making good choices. I just wanted them to feel comfortable and reassured that I was aware of what was going on and how it would be dealt with.

My husband occasionally gives me the silent treatment (but never for more than a few minutes), and I think it is incredibly immature. Now, if he needs a minute to cool off or to think about what he wants or needs to say, that's fine. But he needs to say, "Can you give me a couple of minutes? I just need a little time to myself." It is absolutely not ok to just stop talking to someone. It is incredibly insulting and leaves the other person standing there, shaking there head, thinking, "Huh?!?" It doesn't make "people think about what they did to cause someone to avoid them." It really just makes them think, "What the heck is your problem?"

Whether you think this girl should know why you and your daughter are upset or not, the silent treatment is not the answer. I get that you and your daughter are not ready to talk to her, but the silent treatment is not going to work.

The best thing would be for your daughter to call her friend (or answer the phone the next time her friend calls, but actually calling the friend would be better) and say, "I'm sorry I haven't answered your calls. This just isn't a good time right now. I'll call you when I'm ready." She doesn't need to address the situation or try and hash things out. Just let her know that she needs some time and she will talk to her later.

You and your daughter can do so much better than the silent treatment. This is just such a poor message to send your daughter. There are much better ways to deal with these types of situations, and it would be great if you helped her learn that now rather than later.

I have an 11 year old and I would advise her to tell the other girl that she doesn't want to gossip or have anymore drama, so she will be saying goodbye and leaving the conversation if any gossip starts. My daughter is a strong girl and has strong friends and issues do pop up because of that, but I'm proud of them for working through things in a (mostly) mature manner.

We are having the same issue with a couple of girls in their group right now and it's driving my daughter crazy, because she just wants to have everyone be friends and stop all the drama. It's becoming more and more apparent that the instigator is trying to control the group and my daughter is seeing through that very quickly. My advice to her is that friends should make you feel good and if you are consistently feeling crappy, that's not a good friend. I would not confront the child or mother yourself. I actually asked my daughter if she wanted me to call the other mother and she said, "Mom, she's just going to deny it." Smart kid. I'm staying out of it, but I'm encouraging my daughter to continue to be kind, but strong with the other girl. Honestly, I'm glad my daughter is learning how to navigate this type of thing now and I'm proud of her for discussing it with me and staying true to herself. Standing up to the mean girl is hard, but necessary. She is not the doormat her mother was at that age.

I do think that kids and adults alike have the right to take a break from a toxic person. Social media now makes that difficult; there are cries of "Silent treatment!" as if the person stepping back from the phone or keyboard and not responding is the one in the wrong. I think that the toxic initiator of a ton of texts is in the wrong.

Kids, and many adults, are becoming conditioned to be offended if every text and call and post is not answered immediately these days, and kids especially get in a twist if people don't respond to them instantly.

Does your daughter see this girl in any other circumstances face to face, or is their friendship one entirely kept up through texts, Facetime, and calls? If your child actually SEES her at school, or an activity, your daughter needs to step up to her and very calmly say, "Hey, I want you to know from me in person, I know you have been texting. I am taking a break from texting with you because of my birthday party and the issues there. It's good if we take a break from each other."

See what this girl says. She might insist she was texting and calling to apologize. She also might genuinely have been texting etc. because she knows she has lost your child as her friend and is in a panic about that -- I would wager she is without real friends if she behaves the way you describe, so she may be so frantically trying to reach your child (and you) to get out of the hole she dug for herself. Let me be clear: Though those may be her genuine reasons, it still is not wrong to take a break from her. But it would be good for your child to address this in person. Once. Briefly and calmly and without engaging, if this girl wants to go on and on defending herself (or alternatively, grovelling because she now knows she was wrong).

I disagree with you that not responding "makes people think about what they did" but I do believe you and your child have every right not to answer your own phones at any time. Now help your daughter resolve this by being the mature one and letting the girl know, I am receiving but am taking a break.

If this other girl is very social-media-driven, be aware that she could post things about your child on sites, or send things to other kids blasting your daughter. This may not go there, if the girl is mostly about texting all the time, but unfortunately it's something to have on your radar, just in case.

I would have dealt with her behavior at the party, right away. There is no way you coming to my kid's birthday party and acting the fool.

Don't really know what happened at the party but the right thing to do would be to deal with it and her and that right then and there.

Your daughter should be working out her relationship with her friend. If you feel it necessary to talk to her friend about her behavior at your home then do so especially if she calls your phone.

Beyond that I would just continue to STARVE tje crazy with silence.

UPDATED
Just read your SWH - you say the girl ignored your request to stop gossiping. This is the point where you call her parent to come and pick her up. You ask another adult you have helping you with the party to stay with her on the front steps or porch until her mom comes and gets her. It's just that simple. NOT IN MY HOUSE.

Heck even at 11 years old I didn't tolerate people disrespecting my home or me in my home. It's how I was raised and how I raised my children.

sweetie, you (and by extension your daughter because she's looking to you to learn how to handle this) are giving this 11 year old child way, way too much power to control your emotions.
the right answer will depend somewhat on circumstances, but lies inbetween the extremes of passive/aggressive 'silent treatment' and screaming drama-filled confrontation.
your daughter needs help in learning how to draw boundaries. you intervening with the mother won't teach her that. but you can role-play with your daughter in how to calmly but firmly say 'cruella, i don't like it when you do this (call me all the time, text me, gossip, say mean things, whatever). please stop.' and if necessary block her number. but she needs to have a brief, firm conversation first. if the mother inquires, have the same sort of brief conversation with her. 'there was a lot of mean talk about others at jane's birthday party, so i think it best if jane and cruella take some time off from each other.'
but geez, they're 11 year old girls. this should not be a cause of angst and stress and worry and victimhood. model calmness and competence for your daughter. that will give her necessary tools far more effectively then anything else you can do. no handwringing, no dwelling on it. handle it and move on.
khairete
S.

In my opinion, ignoring is the root of almost all evils. Almost anything you ignore gets worse or lasts as long as the perp wants. It doesn't reshape behavior. It doesn't build a conscience. It's just easier than confrontation. If it's working for you guys, great. But believe me, the girl isn't thinking her own actions were wrong or anything. And she isn't going to act differently when the break is over.

You should absolutely block this girl and NEVER let her dominate you. If I had a kid ringing my phone, I'd probably pick up immediately with a "Why are you calling me?" sharp tone. Whatever the kid said I'd say "that's between you and ____ and I know she's not happy with your behavior at the party, but you need to work it out with her yourself. If there's a bigger problem and your mom wants to contact me, she is welcome to." CLICK. And your daughter can ignore her or text her that she's had enough of her behavior for now so to stop texting. And maybe this will cause the girl to get worse who knows.

Meh. I don't know. Sounds like a mess. Do what you feel. Her mom sounds a little TOO nice if her kid acts like this. I'd avoid them forever pretty much.

I am always amazed how up in their kid's stuff parents are these days. I read your birthday post yesterday and all I could think is my kids never made me aware of anything of this, why is your daughter bringing you all this drama. Kids tell other kids knock it off, they knock it off. Running to mom as you see, doesn't work.

Then you saying you would like her to take a break? These are your daughter's friends, she needs to deal with them. It is a skill I assure you she will need to develop and now is as good a time as ever.

I don't know if you have noticed how many posts there are from parents of high school and college kids saying the same thing, how do I deal with my kid's friends. You don't want that do you? Let her deal with this on her own, when she brings questions to you, advise her. She will learn and be so proud that she has this under control.

Let's call the "silent treatment" what it is: a passive-aggressive way to avoid confrontation, especially if it is lasting a "few" days. Instead of "cooling off" you are obviously still thinking about it and possibly getting even more upset or adding to reasons to keep the silent treatment going. I like the way Nervy Girl worded a potential response from your daughter. Go with that if you are really wanting to get some resolution and not just avoid the problem.

Your daughter is 11.
Hopefully she learns how to gauge others and how to choose friends. From here on out, and how to navigate socially.
Not all girls, are like that friend of hers. My daughter is 11. I also work at a school. And no, not all girls are like that. My daughter's friends are not like that. And she steers herself away... from girls like that. She knows.

And hopefully your daughter learns what toxic friends are, and how to get away from that. And how to, speak up, instead of letting it go on and on and on like a vicious cycle for years.
The thing is, your daughter has been friends with her for awhile. So it is NO surprise, that girl acted like that.

Your daughter is 11.
Things like this are not unusual. And it may happen again, in school or with other girls.
But, hopefully this situation blatantly taught her, about friends and how to CHOOSE, friends in the future.

For what its worth: at the party, I would not have told the girl "this is a gossip free zone." I would have told her, straight up, that she is being inappropriate. That her gossiping is wrong. That she needs to STOP it. And be a proper guest. Or you will call her Mom so she can go home.

And per her constant phone calls/texts: I would have told her STOP IT YOU ARE harassing us, this is unacceptable. I will not put up with your drama and trouble making. And if she keeps doing it you will document it. And tell her Mom.

So you are teaching your child that the best way to deal with issues is to just ignore them and hope they go away? The "silent treatment" is a horrible way to handle any situation, it is childish and extremely immature. I can understand this behavior in children, but can not believe it is being condoned here by an adult.

If you both agree that your daughter needs to take a break from this girl then your daughter needs to pick up the phone and tell her as much, and then maybe she will stop trying to reach out to her friend.

It may help for you to answer the phone one time and tell her that your daughter does not want to be friends now. I realize it won't do much good, but you can tell her that your daughter was upset with how the girl behaved at her birthday party and doesn't want to be around that drama anymore. At that point, don't accept any explanations, just ask her to not contact you any more.

And...... most likely, if you DID try to talk to the mother, she would be one of those that wouldn't believe you about her daughter's behavior.... the daughter has probably learned it from the mother!

The girl was an invited guest, yet in your home. How do we treat invited guests and how do we act in other peoples homes. I was taught, we overlook minor mistakes that people make, because they will not be there forever anyway. On the other hand, I was taught we use our manners at all times and we don't misbehave.

Well, they are kids, perhaps they were up too late, and perhaps loaded with sugar, just a thought.

At 11, I think they are still learning right from wrong and understanding how to react to certain people. So what you may get away with in one home, may not reflect what is allowed in another home. Your daughter knows the rules, however, on the other hand, she is 11 and cannot control what everyone does. Keeping in mind it was a birthday party.

I saw your post, but do not remember the date of the party. In any event, if it was Saturday night and today is Tuesday, it is time to let it go. They are kids.

I don't blame you for ignoring the girl. It is not your place to teach her how to act while away from home, that's her parents job. And if she can't listen to an adult, then there is no point in answering her calls, texts, or any other plea. I don't really know what else you can do, but ignore her. After all, what would we do to Jimmy when he wants to play with Johnny, the two 5 years olds who recently crushed each others Tonka trucks? We would tell him Johnny can't play right now. I see it as not much difference.

As for your question, to confront her or give her the silent treatment, I think you already did confront her. Perhaps you could take one of her calls and tell her, you will have Jennifer give her a call when she has a moment. In time, perhaps she can do that. If the subject comes up, Jennifer can tell Lisa she just doesn't like gossip, but it is over. If that doesn't work, Lisa is not a good fit for Jennifer. If Jennifer can use this as a future guide to picking only the best of people as friends, she has figured it out early.

As for the stress from the AWFUL BIRTHDAY PARTY, it is time to let it go. If that is one of your biggest problems in life, consider yourself lucky.

No offense intended to all of the Jimmy's, Johnny's, Jennifer's, or Lisa's in the world.

I can say the only time I step in and handle something with my kids is when something physical goes on (pinching and hitting were the two this year) or something REALLY mean is said. My kids learn how to handle things by guidance and doing. If someone is being mean, there are several ways you can react....feed into it, ignore it, or tell them to knock it off. You have to teach your daughter the best way to handle it and let her do it.

My daughter will be 11 on Saturday and I saw a TON of growth in her this year in this arena. When I knew she was having problems at school and the ways we discussed to handle it weren't working, I emailed the teacher and asked her not to say anything, but to observe the interactions. She never had to tell me anything, because the girls worked it out on their own. I didn't have to get involved because my daughter learned how to handle it. She kept trying different things we talked about until it was over.

However, if this girl won't stop calling and you don't want to block the number, maybe answering the phone and letting her know why you all are taking a break wouldn't be a bad thing. She's 11 still, not a grown up. There is a LOT of growing to do still.

After raising two sons my answer is now NEVER. No one ever thinks their dear child did anything. Even people who appear to be the nicest humans on earth have pulled out their mama bear claws to protect their own. Continue with your plan.

Do NOT talk to the girl. Talk to the mother. The reason you don't talk to the girl is that she will lie about what you said to the mother to get you and your daughter in trouble. She's a trouble maker.

It doesn't matter if the girl puts her own spin on her party actions to make her look like the victim. It was not her party.

If you cannot talk to this mother, your daughter will not learn by example to face problems. Running away from a stalking mean girl is not what you should be teaching. Your daughter's biggest birthday present should be you telling the mother that you are sorry to have to ask, but to please tell her daughter to leave your daughter alone. She caused a lot of trouble at the birthday party you worked hard to have for your daughter, and now the girl won't stop calling on the cell phone, texting and calling your home phone.

You do NOT have prove that this girl was misbehaving. That's not your job. It is the mother's job to teach her daughter to not act badly. Let her do her job by telling her.

I would not involve the other mother unless she specifically asks. I have talked to a few mothers over the years, and it usually doesn't go well. They are always in denial, and very defensive.

I would absolutely block her number from both your phone, and your daughter's.

You said they'll be going to different schools next year, so you should be able to wash your hands of her.

You're handling it just fine. There's absolutely no obligation for you to be hounded by this girl on your phone or otherwise. This girl sounds very dominating and caving in to her "stalking" on text, phone, or otherwise just gives her power. She needs to realize that the world is not at her beck and call. When you calm down and cool off would be the best time to resume communication if you so choose. Unlike some other responses, 11year old girls do need parental guidance on these matters. I'm glad you are having your daughter avoid this girl - at least for now. From reading your other post about the birthday party, she would probably never admit to wrong doing - so confronting her would probably backfire...she would bring up all the injustices toward her etc. etc.

Yep, for sure ignore it and let it go for now. Chances are the girls are growing apart anyway.