What Would You Do If You Were...

I secretly opened up my own bank account, took exactly 1/2 of all the money, and then I left him and divorced him The man you're describing is my ex.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

I would reread my post after a day or two has passed and see if I feel the same way.

If my feelings had not changed, then at the very least I would begin making a plan to eventually leave, including making (or remaking) a path to a career that could support myself and my children.

I would not ask for help. I would delegate jobs that need to be done. If I ask for help nothing happens because that is not a concrete request. If I say "take out the garbage" then the garbage gets taken out.

I would not in a million years homeschool, especially if I was feeling overwhelmed. I pay high taxes so that my kids can go to school and be taught by professionals.

I would have a frank discussion about his expectations for sex and tell him to keep his mouth shut unless he has something good to say about my business.

Maybe try counselling.

Well I use and understand birth control, so I DO have a choice re how many kids I conceive and give birth to.
I also don't try to do it all myself, I send my kids TO SCHOOL, and I hire help as needed with household chores.
Sorry but it sounds like YOU picked the wrong mate/lifestyle choices, and I don't understand how you can blame anyone but yourself for that.

I'd have started using birth control 2 or 3 children ago.
You've had choices all along the way - you're just not happy now with the choices you made in the past.
I'd talk to a women's shelter and get some advice from people who've head it all and worse.
I'd put the kids in public school so I could use that time for developing the home business and/or work outside the house.
So what if he tells you you can't survive on your own?
It's a total crock of manure and you know it.
If you want anything to change - you've got to make some new choices, take some new risks and choose a different path.
It won't be easy but you can (and should and WILL) make some MAJOR changes in your life!
Now go DO IT!

How is it that you had no choice to have 4 children? It takes 2 to make a baby!

It takes 2 in a marriage and it's not always perfect. There are 2 sides to every story and we are hearing yours.

If indeed you are doing everything alone, go get a job and financially support the 4 children you are responsible for.

Only you can change you. Put your big girl panties on and do something about it instead of having a pity party. Get counseling, get educated, take care of your 4 children.... You are the only mom they have and they deserve you to give them your best because they didn't ask to be brought into this world. Put them first, get them them school, mdo, make time for yourself so you can be a better mom.

I agree with a poster below.... Go back and reread this so you see yourself.

I would start by enrolling my kids in school and by getting a job. If needed I would start working on a degree in the evenings. I would make sure I was taking birth control pills. I would would start saving money and I would keep in mind that I might want to leave and be on my own one day. I would work towards getting a better paying job. I would talk to my husband about my feelings and tell him I would like us to go to marriage counseling.

I divorced him in 2006 and have been happily married to my husband since 2009. Good luck.

well, if this were MY life? I would stop asking my husband to help and TELL him what he needs to do. PERIOD.

If he ignored me after he got home from work? I would tell him he is PART of a PARTNERSHIP so he needs to get involved. I would tell him **I** needed a break and that he would be responsible for the kids from Friday to Sunday. Here's a list of things they have going on. Have fun!

If there was something in his past? It's in his past. Can't change it. I would ask why he didn't trust me enough to tell me about it. Then tell him we are going to counseling. Not ask. Tell. If he refuses to go? Then I would go on my own.

I'm sorry to disagree with you about the kids. You had a choice. Birth control. I would NEVER regret my kids. They are gifts that I cherish! Yes, it can be overwhelming, frustrating and so much more being a SAHM...but I'm sorry - YOU HAD A CHOICE...

My ex-husband said I would NEVER survive without him. I did. I was living in Germany. I found an apartment. Had to change jobs because I was no longer a military spouse - but I made it. without him. Stop living in fear and regret. Get your ducks in a row. You already have a foot out the door. So I wonder if you really want it to work. I will tell you though - if you do NOT get counseling? You will repeat the same mistakes. Get counseling for yourself. Understand HOW this came to be your life. The decisions you made, the treatment/behavior you allowed to happen. Not that you are 100% responsible, however, it's NOT all on him. that's why I say counseling for you so that you can learn how to stand up for yourself and set your boundaries.

The first thing you need to do is to figure out whether or not you're in this for the long haul or if you are already out the door. Will he change? Will he go to counseling? What affect will a divorce have on you, your children your life?

are you better off with or without him? Only you can answer that question!!

Good luck!!

You are already doing it on your own! Other then finances, that is. And if you left him he will still be responsible for some of the finances through child support. And the rest you can make up for by putting the kids in public school and day care (which he can be made responsible for paying for also) and getting a job. You can do this. But more importantly, you NEED to do this. Quit whining about how bad your life is and do something about it!

Oh my dear. You are in a pickle of a situation, and it sounds like you are drowning in it.

This is what I would do:
1. Put the children into school. Get control of some time, and take the pressure off. School is great.
2. Seek some counselling for yourself, if not for both of you.
3. Work out why your husband is being a wanker. Does he have depression? Sometimes depression leads to more of a libido than less.
4. Find your support network. If you don't have family, join a mothers' group or a group that can support you. Outside friendship can really help you get through tough times.
5. Treat yourself well. Four children can be exhausting - especially if you're homeschooling. You are asking too much of yourself. Wind it back and have a break.

Good luck my dear.

Take control of your life.
Have him get a vasectomy and or get your tubes tied.
Go to a therapist.
Learn to say no.
Learn to ask for what YOU want and need.

Send all of the children to school.

Clean your home and get rid of all unnecessary stuff.

Make a chore chart so you can get some help and work out of all of those children.

If you WANT to have sex 4 times a week that is fine. If not, then don't.

If he cannot handle it, go to a shelter and get help. You are a wife, not the live in sex slave/ house keeper.

And each time he says something to you , that you do not like, speak up! Tell him to only speak to you with respect, or he needs to leave.

I would take charge of the situation. His behavior is unacceptable and he needs to know it. You do have other options. You can leave him and he can pay child support for his four children.

I would stop homeschooling the kids and put them in school. If the kids are starting to act like your husband then being at home all day can't be a healthy environment for them. I would get a job outside of the home.

If you can legally do it, I would move you and the kids in with your family.

Well, the short version is that you're overwhelmed and you can start by tackling things one at a time. Example, if you are starting a business or considering leaving your DH, is it still practical or feasible to give their homeschooling the attention it needs while earning an income you can live on without him? You may start by enrolling the school aged children in regular school and take that off your plate. My HS friends are very very busy, and that will allow you to focus on other things. That would also take the sting out of his statements about how you can't survive without him. My mother did - she was a SAHM who was working on her degree at the time. Packed up 2 kids and the dog and left.

You can also get on the pill (or a shot or any long-term option) or investigate having your tubes tied, so YOU are in control of YOUR fertility.

If you feel you are being abused (emotionally and otherwise) call a crisis center help line. They can help you find resources, including a shelter.

Secondarily, if he is belittling you and harassing you about sex and otherwise fighting with you constantly, it sounds like it's time to get counseling (at least for yourself if not marital counseling, too, if you can get him to go).

What would I do? Make a plan. Fear is crippling. Plans are empowering.

I would determine if I was under his thumb because that's exactly where he wants me to be, then I would patiently devise a way out of the trap for me & my kids.
*I* would determine my own worth & potential, not him.
I'd allow him to pay child support for 4 kids and maintenance for me if I could get it.
If he's not abusive or addicted I'd agree to visitation.
Good luck!

It sounds like you're overwhelmed. I'm a homeschooling mom, too, so I understand the commitment that takes. However, it sounds like you are not enjoying homeschooling at this point. Is there any way that you can put some/all of your children in school for now? It's the beginning of the school year, so now is a good time to make that transition. You can always switch back to homeschooling later if you would like to. But for now, being as overwhelmed as you are, you need to punt on something. Childcare, housekeeping, cooking... something needs to give. Get help with some/all of these tasks however you can think to do it.

Once you can get out from under some of the daily responsibilities, you will be able to decide what else you want to do. It sounds to me like your husband is a very controlling person, or otherwise he's just overbearing and clueless. Either way, you need to stand up for yourself. Perhaps a good place to start would be with seeing a counselor. You need to understand why you're putting up with this type of treatment from your husband, and then make plans to change the dynamic - and if it can't be changed, then you can decide if you're done with the marriage, or if you're willing to put up with it.

Let's see...when kids misbehave/act out, we remove them from the situation. Sounds pretty applicable here. My family would no longer be 3 states away. I would pretty much prove to myself that I can and will support my children, on my own, be it by getting a job and enrolling them in school for the time being---until I could in fact get my own business off the ground--or asking family for help while getting my business started. I would look into small business grants to help as well.

Cause, I would not have to prove a thing to him.

I would put my kids in school and start looking for a job. Trying to start a business while homeschooling makes NO sense, especially if your spouse isn't even helpful and supportive.
And unless your husband raped you then you DID have a choice to have four kids, it takes two people to make a baby, so take some responsibility for the situation.

I would set up a counseling appointment ASAP. I would work closely with a professional to try and figure out how to establish a sense of empowerment in my life and to find ways to break the cycle of victimization.
Blessings!!

I have 5 back to back (all planned).
I do all the kid and house stuff.
Husband works very hard at work and is exhausted when he gets home.
But I did, as noted, make an executive decision that I want the cleaning lady to remain because I was drowning in housework. As in, not able to keep up at all with the stuff that creeps up. If not for her, we'd have mold in the shower we invested so much in to redo, etc. Most of my work is laundry and dishes and kid clutter. Finding time to scrub showers wasn't happening, though I tried. Never seem to be able to keep up!

Certainly I'd be exhausted in your case! Intimacy more than once a week would be a LOT. Gee. I hope you can find an answer.

My first step would be taking the kids to a homeless shelter if I didn't have family to go to.

I agree with Terri S. You need to put the kids in public school and find a job or devote more time to your own business and get it off the ground. Once you have your own income, you will feel more empowered and you will be able to tackle the rest of your issues.

I agree with the others who are telling you that you DID have a choice about having the kids. Even if your hubby raped you, you still had a choice. Because you make the statement that you didn't have a choice about having kids back-to-back, I am wondering about other statements you have made. It just takes one silly comment like that to throw your credibility into question.

I would tell him I'm leaving and taking the kids back to my family - after I'd confirmed I could stay with them and they would be supportive. I would hope he would then agree to counseling. I would take ownership for some of the situation. Not sure why you had no choice to have four children and why you have to home school them all. I would figure out how I could provide some financial support to my kids and consult a lawyer if husband had not agreed to go to counseling. I would give up the idea of my own business. It is hard enough to run a successful business from scratch and from home nevermind have four children and really nevermind homeschooling them. I would want a more stable income.

well, i could write volumes about it, but from the way these questions are phrased, it's clear that you know what to do.
it will be hard, no doubt, but you're exhausted and overwhelmed now. might as well be exhausted and overwhelmed and NOT have your kids subjected to this model of what a relationship should be.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I would go to counseling. With him or without him. You need to get an outside perspective on what would make the most sense for you.

Like my first question - why are you homeschooling? I'm a big fan of home-schooling - but only when there's are good reasons. Your reasons for not homeschooling may outweigh your reasons to have them home.

Second question - how old are you both? Men get much better as they get older. Now after 20 years of marriage my husband has become a really good husband and father. But it took 20 years of training. It took lots of "catastrophes" and we almost separated/divorced a couple of times when the kids were younger. If your husband thinks of you as someone he can walk over then he will (if he's the jerk he sounds like he is). You need sit down with him and have a real heart to heart talk. He sounds very immature. He needs to know that you need him to grow up.

anyway - go for counseling. Get involved in a church where you can meet other moms with little ones and you can share childcare. Maybe one of the pastors can help counsel you without charge. Many people thing that pastros are all naive - but many have been around the block a few times and they've all counseled people iwth much bigger and more serious issues than yours.

Good luck mama.

Leave- for the kids sake. Thats why theres welfare, to help you get on your feet and he will have to pay for child support anyway. He's a selfish ahole, you will not change him. It will not get better. Just leave and start over. Give your kids a chance to see you happy and that they don't have to stay in a situation thats bad for them, they'll end up hating you for not leaving him and they'll also turn out like him...so what will you have then?

I would leave him and let him take care of the kids.

It sounds like you already have the answer!
You're already doing the hard work...stand up now and be proud!

i would leave. it's better to be alone, than alone in a relationship/marriage.

PRAY!!! I did and it works!

First of all Wow! Parenting 4 small children is a herculean task. A huge hug for all of your efforts. Secondly I do think it helps to put yourself in other people's shoes. The responsibility and stress of providing for a wife and 4 small children is a herculean task as well.

You and your husband really need to progress to a point where you are supporting and assisting each other. I really do think that comes from love and generosity. And although it seems backwards when you are hurting and needing -- the best way to get love and help is to give love and help. Buckets and buckets of it. I promise you will get a great return on your investment!

I agree with the above advice that even if only temporarily you should put the children in school. Home schooling is wonderful and provides many benefits but the most important thing right now is to help your family heal and get back to being happy together.

Secondly take a look at your at home business. Are you doing it to challenge yourself, involve your creativity, have something that is yours?? Are you doing it to provide added income for the family? Is it actually accomplishing the purpose for which you are doing it? If not discontinue it and find something that will better meet the needs that inspired you doing it.

Mothers of young children have very very little time to themselves. You want to make sure you spend any extra time on things that will nurture, build up and rejuvenate yourself. Not something else that drains and stresses you.

Lastly as far as your husband being on the computer as soon as he gets home and withdrawing from you and the children can you guess why? After a long stressful day of providing for the family does he come home to more stress, chaos and criticism and feel the need to withdraw?

How might things be different if he came home to a smile and a hug of thanks? An orderly home with table set? Children that are well cared for and happy to see him? A yummy dinner in the oven? A wife that is kind and affectionate and interested in hearing about his day?

I bet most wives will HATE my response but the truth is it is an incredible privilege to be a mom that is provided for by a husband and able to stay home full time with her children. And husbands do deserve boat loads of praise, thanks, kindness, appreciation and attention in return. Yes parenting 4 little ones all day deserves praise etc. etc. as well but the best way to get the love and praise and help you want is to shower it on your husband FIRST. I would recommend Dr. Laura Schlessinger's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

From the mother of 5 children who stayed at home thanks to a husband that provided the blessing