I know this question may be hard for some to answer, but try to put yourself in my shoes and tell me how you would handle.
My father has not been an active participant in my life. He left when I was young and I saw him about once per year until I was a teen. Then, he was somewhat more involved. I care for him and get along with him despite this. I think over the years I have determined he just doesn't know how/wasn't taught how to love people.
I am now married with my own children. My parents are not very involved. My father is remarried to someone other than my mother. This woman really pushes my dad to try to be more involved with me and my family. She tells me how he hates traveling, is always negative, etc ( I already knew this of course). My father never visited before, ever, and now he wants to (or shall I say, his wife wants him to. He would prefer to stay home). So my questions:
1) this causes arguments bw hubby and I because hubby knows how my father has treated me in past and that he is only coming due to pressure from his new wife. So, do I embrace this visit (more like endure it) or do I say, no thanks, and save hubby and I arguing about it? I always feel torn and guilty. If I bring up my dad visiting, hubby instantly gets uptight. He dislikes my father for leaving me and just for all the things he has done in his past/present. I am so torn. Bottom line - I know my father is not visiting because he wants to - he is doing it to make his wife happy/stop nagging. So, do I let him visit and act as if all is peachy?
Please let me make clear, my dad does NOT want to visit. He does so only to make his wife happy and get her to stop nagging. Please do not take this post as him trying to create a relationship with me. He has other kids from other marriages that won't speak to him for his behavior.
**ETA: Hubby is VERY supportive of me and is also supportive of whatever choice I make, I just know he is uncomfortable. And, my dad was like this prior to me being married, so it is not like he "senses" something from my or hubby. His actions haven't changed since I got married. I don't want to make it sounds as if hubby is the bad guy here - he isn't. He is trying to protect his family and make me happy at the same time - plus, he is supportive of the kids seeing their grandparents.
I should elaborate - I have NEVER kept my family from my kids. Anytime my dad wants to see them, he is able, and I have suggested and visited them. The point is, every time it is uncomfortable and not a pleasant visit. My kids barely know "grandpa" because he simply doesn't care to be involved, and as I stated, hubby is uncomfortable. I am ok with it, it is the rest who aren't. I would never consider preventing my kids from seeing them, but hubby points out a) we don't want him influencing our kids w his behavior (womanizer, married 5 times, etc) and b) the kids don't care if they see him, he doesn't care if he sees kids, what kind of relationship is that really?
His wife is the one telling me she is trying to get Dad to come visit, he doesn't want to, etc. He doesn't tell me this.
To answer questions: He lives 2 hours away. It wouldn't be any different if he lived 5 minutes away. Women he dates or marries always come before his kdis. He has 6 kids from 2 previous marriages and just met them all for the first time when they were in their 30's.
What do YOU want? It doesn't matter why he's there, he's there. If you will get something positive from his visit, then have him visit. In my experience of men, most of them do things because their wives nag them to. :)
You never know what good may come of something. And your hubby is being protective, but he needs to let you do what is right for you. Hope you have a good visit, if that's what you choose.
What is going to make you happy?
Maybe I should elaborate. You have a magic wand, you can make the planets align blah blah blah. Everyone will be happy and supportive of your decision, no one will complain..... In your happy place who is around you? Do that. Figure out what you want and then fight for it if needed. Don't base your answer on the path of least resistance you will end up unhappy.
To mirror what some of the others have said, what do you want out of this? You sound as if you are convinced that your dad wants nothing to do with you or your family. Have you ever outright asked him point blank? If not, then I would do that. He owes you an honest answer to that question after all that he has put you through. If he says that he feels its too late and doesn't want to put forth the effort, then case closed. Move on. Release his wife from her step motherly responsibilities and tell her thanks but no thanks. BUT, if he sounds like he is basing his actions off of the unwelcoming feeling that he gets from your husband or you, then that is a whole different story.
My dad has never been a good example of a man, father, or grandfather either. I feel for what you are going through. It sucks to grow up and see them through adult eyes. Then you can truly see all the things that went wrong and wish you could make them right. I wish my dad wanted to make them right too. He is too selfish to stop and look back at the mess he made. Having said that, it has made me a better parent and wife. I'm sure the same can be said of you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
This is your relationship with your father, not your husbands. If you have chosen to work on your relationship, then he needs to support you or keep it to himself. You know your limits and your boundaries. If this visit (even if it is forced) has the potential to be positive, do it. Keep the visit short and consider having them stay in a nearby hotel!
It sounds like your stepmother may have some real influence over your father and that she would like to see him more active in your life. Regret is a bitter pill to swallow. Your father isn't getting younger. I'm sure I could come up with other cliches here, but really- if you would like to see your father (3 or 4 days tops), then ask your husband to respect that.
My own dad left when I was 5. He was in the service, so he moved all around the world. From age 8 to 18, I saw him twice. EAch year, we received a Christmas card with cash, and a birthday card. No calls because he was overseas and the cost was astronomical. When I became an adult, I would make an every other year visit to Texas to see him. As a parent of an adult, and a grandparent, he was not so good, either. he never sent gifts, never remembered birthdays, etc. When my first marriage split up, I moved to be near my sister, who had moved to be near my Dad when HER marriage split up.
Long story, I know - BUT .... As we turned loose of the Dad we always imagined we wanted, and embraced the Dad that we HAD - we really grew to love him. He was the center of the family. The kids all adored him, even though grandpa did NOT babysit, would NOT take them places, didn't play games with them, etc. When they got a little older, he let them play on his computer, which they all though was cool. As teens was when he really enjoyed his grandkids and formed bonds with them. When he died, there was a lot of people that were very distraught. His death left a HUGE hole in our family.
With all that said - I suggest that you and hubby let go of the Dad he was, and the Dad you wanted - and embrace the Dad he is trying to be. He may be resisting visits because he thinks YOU are too. I see it as him making an effort, and kudos to him for that. At this point, there is nothing I wouldn't give to see my Dad again!
Ok i have questions, Does his wife (your step mom) Come with him?
If she does do you like her? If yes than look at it as you are doing it for her not for Dad. and tell you hubby that someone (Her) wants to know these kids(yours) and wants to be a part of their lives so why not let her, it is impressive that she wants to.
I only know of one person that never made a mistake. I celebrate his birthday every year around Christmas time.
I can see your husbands point of view. But he needs to calm down and see what happens. I had a dog that peed in my carpet until I taught him to pee outside. The key word is "Taught".
You said you feel your dad was never "taught" how to love. Teach him.. He can eventually be a good influence in your home, or he can leave. Give him a chance to change, especially if your new step mom is willing to help. Loving grandparents can be a really good influence on a family.
Your children will learn to treat you as you treat your parents. It worked that way in my home.
Good luck to you and yours.
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Don't let him stay at your house, or only plan a short lunch or something. No need for more than that, and if it's only a 2 hour drive, it's not that much of a hassle. Maybe meet somewhere halfway for dinner once. I don't think it sounds like you want to host them for a longer visit, and neither does your husband.
Sounds like a discussion is needed with his wife. She is probably the one who is bored and/or wants to do the 'right' thing. And, most likely, you are probably fun and interesting people and she enjoys seeing the kids. But, give her some boundaries. Tell her you would love an annual luncheon once per year. Find any excuse -- harvest festival, Christmas, whatever. On that day, you would love dad to drive the all of two hours to visit. Say it's a Saturday in October to see juniors opening soccer game/pick apples/have an annual birthday party for everyone in the family/whatever. Tell them you have from 12-3pm (make sure it is a finite time). Then that's it. For a year. When she calls again, just tell her you'd love to host them again at your annual party. I think within limits it is OK to see them to be civil, and she has no cause to nag. Because they aren't really invited at any other time.
If you feel you are having to "endure" the visits, please don't put yourself through it. How about telling him he can call you once in a while if he wants to.
Thank the wife for thinking of you. As kindly as you can explain to her what you have told us. She is trying to do the right thing and may not realize it is causing more pain.
Good luck and God bless.
Put your children first. Take your hurt ego out of this. That isn't to say you don't have a right to feel hurt, you do.. BUT the children have a right to their OWN relationships and this means with Grandfather.... Therefore, I would Allow them to see their grandfather. Then, IF it's so terrible and the "kids" aren't happy, perhaps don't allow it again. However, as someone whose biological mom kept me from much of my family, I resented this..... it's just not right to allow one's own grievances to get in the way of the children. Your children have a right to experience a visit with their grandfather even IF you don't know for sure if it's your dad's doing or his wife's.. Treat the visit as though it's for your children and not for you. Whatever issues you and your dad (and hubby) have should remain amongst yourselves and not your children. Don't let your past or your father's dictate your children's relationships...
I wanted to add that a parent doesn't have to say outright, you can't see this or that relative, it's rather the "actions" or lack thereof involved.. IF for example a parent never sees their own parents, then the children follow that lead. Remember, children (esp younger ones) learn by example..
good luck in whatever you decide..
Ooooh! Flashbacks to my childhood! When I was in jr. high school, my (first) stepmom badgered my dad in to taking us each weekend, as was stated in the divorce papers (my folks split when I was three). It was really awkward at first...she had four kids of her own and I didn't know them OR my dad all that well.
But, I'm so glad she did this because after a while the awkwardness went away. As a teen, I made more "sense" to my dad and we developed (and still have) and excellent relationship. My second stepmom worked on him to spend more time with family and when she passed, my dad started make twice yearly visits to get to know my sons. This wouldn't have happened without my stepmoms' influence.
I get that you don't have a good relationship with your dad, that you disapprove of his past actions. My dad did a lot of crummy things, too. He left my mom, he was a total jerk about child support for 18+ years, he never made an effort to know us, everything seemed to be more important than me and my sister. But the strangest thing happened. When I let go of the past and started to get to know my dad--first as a teen, then as a college student, then as an adult--I discovered that while he did a lot of really crappy things in his past (who hasn't?) that he was, in fact, a person worth knowing. I discovered that we shared a passion for history, a love of accounting and historical fiction films. We both love reading and telling stories. We're both Anglophiles and we both love to travel (well, he used to). Best of all, we both love my sons.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe, just maybe, it's time to let the past go and see what the adult you and the older (maybe wiser) dad can do in terms of developing a relationship. Over the years, my dad and I have talked about his past and its effects on me and I learned so much about him, both good and bad. He's apologized for a lot of things (something I never expected). Because my dad is a self-avowed curmudgeon, I've had to be the adult and work the situation in to a positive. Maybe your dad is as scared of your rejection as you are about being hurt by him again. And your husband...he loves you so much he doesn't want to see you hurt again, too.
For me, I'd rather make the effort. I would hate to die, or have my dad die, knowing that I didn't take advantage of the opportunity when I had it. It wasn't always easy but I'm glad I did try. It's been so worth it. My dad still has his faults--we all do--but in his older age, I discovered a man who faced his mistakes, admitted them, married a wonderful, wonderful woman who made him very happy (and he nursed her through a bad case of MS and ultimately buried her) and has reconnected with his family and daughters.
Good luck with your decision. Be sure it's one you can live with in peace.
I agree that you should do what you want to do. Tell your husband what your choice is and ask him to support you and your choice. That is what friends do. I suggest he continues to argue because he thinks he can influence your choice. Once you make a choice there is no reason to discuss it.
I don't have a simple answer, because I don't think it is a simple situation, and I don't feel I have enough information to guide you properly. I think the whole thing is a matter of degrees. For instance, is your father so far away that to justify the travel he'd have to stay for a week or more? Or are we talking day trips? I think you need to express to your husband that while you appreciate his outrage on your behalf for your father's shortcomings, as an adult what you need more is a spouse who is going to support you and be understanding of the relationship you have fostered with the man who fathered you. Always start with appreciation and understanding before you offer the changes you need for you.
With your father, am I correct in understanding that you are close enough to have conversations about his wife pressuring him to visit but you can't discuss a compromise between yourselves? I would say some sort of conversation there is warranted. Also, ask him if he wants to speak with his wife or if he would prefer you do it. Either way she needs to be made to understand it is not her place to push and that it creates more tension than is needed.
Communication is key here!
**** ETA ********** Based on your SWH....
Tell Stepmom to butt out! "Your interference is neither required nor desired." If she's looking to Grandparent some kids, tell her to volunteer at a local nursery and leave your kids out of it.
I guess I was wrong. It may be rather simple. :-)
Communicate to your hubby that you need his support on this, it is awsome that he has your back and let him know you are counting on him to watch your back while your dad visit. Your farther's wife may know somethings that you dont and may see a reason you guys need to keep in touch. My hubby's mother always told him to get to know your dad but my hubby held onto the "he was not around when I was younger", well his dad passed away and he said he regrets not taking the opportunity to get to know the man who blessed him with life even though his dad had personal vices he dealt with.
When dealing with family members that make bad choices our rule is to always keep in touch but to have them come on our turf (our home) so that we can monitor & control how they interact with our children.
Seems easier on you to skip the visit and the argument with hubby.
