Hi All,
Last night, my young children, husband, and I visited my in-laws, who we are seeing every few days. (They live near us.) I had told my in-laws before arriving that I was trying not to consume caffeine, alcohol, and any form of sugar as part of a research study that lasts two weeks. (In the past, I have mentioned that I try not to eat sugar more than once/week. I have also politely requested that they not give my kids sugar more than once/week. Furthermore, I've told my in-laws that my kids' school rules state that kids are NOT to bring sugar (candy/dessert) to school.) My in-laws proceeded to give my kids sugar before, during, and after dinner. Shortly, before we left their house, my MIL proceeded to pack more than a dozen jumbo pastries into a doggie bag for us. I repeated that my kids were not supposed to take sugar to school. She said, "Are brownies OK?" I said, "No." I then said I was not supposed to eat sugar. She then replied, "Put the stuff in the freezer," which does not help me. (I can still eat the junk food.) Keeping all that stuff in my home for several days/weeks is really pushing my resolve! She handed the bags of pastries to my husband. (Husband abstains from dessert in order not to end up like his parents--overweight, prediabetic, bypass surgery patients with high blood pressure. Now the pastries are in my kitchen and my kids keep asking me to let them take candy and brownies to school. My MIL's actions seem a bit passive-aggressive. I feel undermined.
I work in a lab that studies health, so bringing the baked goods to work is not acceptable. My friends and neighbors are healthy or trying to become healthy. So what should I do with all this stuff? What can I do to establish a healthy relationship with my in-laws?
Thanks,
L
I think that my in-laws constantly give junk food to people as a way to express affection, so I won't take my in-laws' actions personally. I've never told them how to eat and don't plan to start. However, I'm going to stand my ground on not taking junk food home. For my kids and me, or two desserts/week may be OK, but a dozen or so/week (between in-law dinners and social events), no. Thanks for all your responses!
Save one each for the kids for dessert tonight or tomorrow and throw the rest in the trash. Don't ever feel bad about throwing out junk food......it's either wasted in the trash or wasted on you.
Simple: Throw it away.
You're not going to change your inlaws.
Just smile, say thank you and toss it when you get home :)
I'd just toss the bag in the trash, seems simple enough.
throw it away. nobody needs it.
I was travelling in Central Asia with a vegetarian. We sat down to eat and he asked the waiter if there were any vegetarian dishes on the menu? the waiter, offered FISH.
Just goes to show, sometimes when you are crossing a cultural divide there can be real confusion as to what vegetarianism, or in your case, what "sugar" means.
It is pretty obvious that your IL's have heir own notions of what is good/ healthy/ appropriate food choices, which are plenty different to yours.
Perhaps a long written list of forbidden foods/ treats is necessary. Alphabetized if you prefer.
I can picture my mom running afoul with this one. She wouldn't give little one candy/ candy bars/ chips or cheese doodles, but wouldn't hesitate to give him a homemade cheese danish.
in my opinion its actually quite simple.... throw it all in the trash when you get home. no explanation is required to your family as they already know the deal.
If you don't feel comfortable refusing the food in your in-laws home then politely take the items and dispose of them at home.
Smile graciously as you take it, go home and throw it out. Is it really worth alienating your in-laws? I would think not. Figure your visits with your in-laws are your kids special treat days and have the rest of the week be your healthy food days. If your kids are school age then they are old enough to talk about healthy food choices at home.
I would have refused to take them. Just said politely "I'm not comfortable wasting food like that and if I take them home they are going straight into the trash." then if she further insisted I would have taken them and as soon as we were out the door just thrown them in her trash can, it was probably the best place for them anyway giver their condition... She's probably just uncomfortable with her decisions vs. your decisions about food.. which she should be. Next time it happens don't roll over, she IS being passive agressive and the best way to deal with that is be firm but polite and simply say "No." And who thinks that no sugar= brownies are okay?! Seriously?
My son's grandparents would give him candy which would drive me nuts. I never gave him candy until he was about 7 years old but from 3 years and up everytime he was with them they would give him candy. I hated that.
In your case graciously accept their thoughtful offering. It is how they show love but then toss it out. You may consider letting the kids share one, once in a blue moon if at all but you do have the final say on what comes into your home.
We often drive past places where people beg for money for food. I would consider offering them this unwanted food. While it is not the best food, I just hate to see food go to waste.
Leave it on their counter or pitch it at the nearest convienance store trash can. They are beign disrespectful, so what if you hurt their feelings, heck throw it in their trash right in front of them...maybe then they will get the hint.
Don't hurt grammas feelings. just take it with a smile. i know a lot of people that would be thrilled if someone would randomly just hand them a pastry. it would start the day off with a smile. if it were me, i would hand one to the school crossing guard, the guy at the convenience store, the lady in the booth at the parking garage. i would play pastry fairy for the day and throw remainder away.
Just leave them at her house.
Toss it all and don't feel guilty about it. My kids and my husband all have Type 1 Diabetes. People are always innundating us with sugar FREE desserts and candies for my family to eat. They ALL mean very, very well, and they have no idea how bad aspartame and Splenda are for people with diabetes.
So, to make them feel good, I take it with a smile and a thank you. To make me feel good, I chuck it in the trash.
Good for you for keeping your family healthy!
I say no. When people offer me things that I don't want, especially if I've said it over and over again, I stay firm in my NO stance. My words sound like this (when I want to be gentle): "You know, I don't want to take it since I know that I won't eat it. I don't want to waste it." While the MIL was stuffing the bag, I would have gotten her attention and removed them from the bag in her presence. "Hey, what are you doing? We are NOT going to eat this." I could understand your giving in a little if you didn't have your husband's support, but he is 100% behind you. You should both be able to say no to this, if not for your own health then for the health of your children. You are letting the ILs control what happens in your house and showing your kids that what the ILs say and think is more important than what you are trying to teach them. When we were kids and our extended family members wanted us to do something that our parents had said no to, we would tell them that our parents don't want us to do that. Now, sometimes we would do it, anyway, but we were trying to be cautious. And our parents addressed it with them and with us later. We had been taught to care more about what our parents thought than what someone else thought. The ILs are not undermining you; you are doing it to yourself because you have the opportunity and the means to shut it down. They seem like bullies to me.
I have read and heard others say to just let the ILs do what they want since it's not full time. I say no to that way of doing business. It's ridiculous to me, and it's not necessary. It's not a right that they have to do whatever they want with your children. If they have any "job" at all here, it is to support what you are teaching your children.
If you just can't toss em send w/ hubby to work for co-workers.
I am with you and just do not want to even bring it home. I hate being the one to waste it all. We quit being the ones to take it all home years ago. Our daughter has been very heavy her entire life (and my husband and I roller coaster with being fit and attending the gym...and being 20-30 pounds overweight ourselves). She eats pretty healthy but has some minor physical struggles to be active, along with preferences for spending her own time. We do not need the added bit of Grandparent (or anyone else for that matter) pressure to bring home all the treat-like leftovers. So we finally put our foot down. We always bring healthier items to potluck events (even if it is the cookies or brownies, we cook them in healthier ways, etc...and they are always GONE!)
We politely say no to those offerings. If there are fruit or veggies and dip, etc they want someone to take, I jump at those leftovers (I do home childcare, so can always use that stuff!). But the treats. I JUST SAY NO!
I want my daughter to have the will power to do this in her everyday life, so why would I not set an example for her?
I would politely refuse the crappy treats. HAHA it did make me laugh though how you said they weren't able to have sweets and she replied with "Are brownies ok?" Honestly, if they are in the house then the kids are going to want them. Maybe you could have your husband say something to them (since they are his parents) and you won't have to look like the bad guy!
Don't feel obligated to save and eat the junk food. It doesn't matter if it goes down your throat or down the garbage disposal, either way it's gone! So don't clog your arteries by eating it, just dispose of the baked goods. You'll be happier once you do.
You in-laws seem to have emotional issues revolving around food so don't take it personally when they push food on you. If they insist on sending stuff home with you, thank them for caring and tell them that you simply don't eat these this in your home and will throw it away. Then do it!
you can't tell them what to serve at their own home. But you have the right to say no. And you have to answer for your kids until they are able to say no for themselves. My kids are young, 3 and 7, but they wouldn't eat food without asking me first. Now, at grandma's, I say yes to jus tabout anything, at least one helping. But we only are there 1 time per week or less. In you case, you just need to say no. Talk it over as a family beforehand, and come up with some good answers for the situations as they arise. But take it out of everyone's hands and just say no.
This is a family, where food, or the giving of treats expresses love. Try to see that it is a learned habit to show love and be perceived as special by the grandkids. It's actually kind of sad that they can't see beyond that. Yes, with repetition, it does seem passive aggressive. They probably see you as being judgmental of them, and they are in turn defensive of their way of life. You may be making an objectively good judgment, but to them, YOU are the one being difficult. All that said, just be consistent. Say "no thank you" until you are blue in the face.
Alternatively, offer to bring dessert. Show up with fruit and yogurt dip or drizzle melted dark chocolate.
Ultimately, I think it is up to your husband to tell your parents to stop. Not because of you, but because of what he wants for his children.
Personally? I think you are over thinking it - you may not like to waste food - but in this instance? do it...just pick it up and put them in the trash...
Sounds like the MIL is the one who likes to push buttons and then sit back and watch it all - so in the future? Just accept it and then throw it out. PERIOD. No fighting, no hassle, no muss...throw it out...
How can you establish a healthy relationship with your in-laws? Start by NOT telling them what they can and cannot do in their own home. They have chosen a life of poor eating habits and such - it's THEIR life...you can talk until you are blue in the face about healthy eating habits and how YOU want to be healthy, etc...you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink...
So while you are at THEIR home - don't tell them what to do and what to eat. If that doesn't work for you - then invite them to YOUR home and you can set the example in YOUR home....
As to the school not allowing kids to have desserts?!?!?! HOLY SMOKES batman! that is TOTALLY insane...the more you tell kids or anyone for that matter they cannot have something - the more they want it...if the kids are asking about brownies in school - I am wondering if this is YOUR rule or if the other kids and parents from the school are NOT following it....
GOOD LUCK!!
I think that you need to understand they can serve what they want at their house and it's up to your kids to say no. I know you are in the professional field that understands much about nutrition but it might be easier if you let up some and tried to not be so strict. You come off as the bad guy here and it can't make you feel good about yourself.
You know you are going over there so plan the weekly sweet treat to coincide with the visit. Tell them to limit the treats to one per child then throw the ones away they give you. It's that simple.
With my parents I am pretty strict about. I just say no and if they pack the stuff any way I leave it behind. It don't mind if they give my son sweets while we are there because we go there once a week, but he doesn't need to have a supply at home. Plus I have bulmia and more likely then not it will not be my son eating those treats. With my grandparents its harder. You can really leave with out a bag of food. Instead of fighting over this I just give the stuff we don't want around the house to a food pantry. I don't mind them sending food most of the time though, because my grandma has a huge pantry so she forgets what she has in there and just buys things when they go on sale, so she has dozens of boxes of noodles, hamburger helper, soups, ect so my grandpa trys to clean out the pantry by giving the food to us or my cousins when we come over.
