Hi R.,
Whining is a common way for kids (and adults) to "get what they want". Most parents get annoyed and then give in and kids know that. They are trained to whine until they get what they want.
Whining is simple to correct. It may not be easy, but it is simple. 2 simple steps:
1. You must TEACH the behaviour you want, and NOT IN THE MOMENT. Spend 5 mins a couple times a day discussing what kind of behaviour will get results in the family. Whenever she uses the correct tone congratulate her and tell her how proud you are that she is in your family. She will need to be reminded MANY TIMES per day. Think that is silly, do you think that she should “know better”? Think about this…go take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. Drivers KNOW the rules of the road, the speed limits, stop at a corner etc…so why are there so many REMINDERS? Because we all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives. REMIND HER OF THE BEHAVIOURS YOU WANT.
When the whining begins, immediately say in a very clear tone, "Stop. We do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine, then we don't do that (this works with many behaviours). If you want something, need something or are upset about something we discuss it, we don't whine in this family. In this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give her the opportunity to calm down and formulate her thoughts)"
Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on her part. There are no consequences, just facts. Time out is really an ineffective approach. Sending them away to "think about it" mayjust frustrate them more and help them think of more "creative ways" to get what they want. Keeping her in the same room and helping her work through it is the best solution. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. Compare it to work, if you boss gave you a new task and said, "go, take it to your office and when you know how to do it come back" you would be frustrated and maybe even furious. Help her work through it so that she can learn what you want and accept in your family.
The other day we were at a friends place visiting. BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: “We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright?” Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier. Preparation is important. Everyone likes to know what is expected of them.
Some might argue for “teaching negotiation skills” or “seizing the opportunity”, and I agree. But some times there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.
Does this help?
B.
Family Success Coach