What to Do When I Want a 3Rd Child and My Hubby Says No

I think you just need to keep talking about it and hope that in time, he comes around. After all, we moms do most of the work anyway! We really should get the final decision. But like you say, you have too much respect for him to do it without his consent. You have to get him on board too. Good luck.

I would talk to him more about it, find out why he says No. But if he is dead set on no more, I would say you have to respect that.

A lot of advice is to "respect your husbands wishes", but how about him respecting yours? I'm not saying that he has to give in to having another baby, but it's funny how it all seems to center around respecting the wishes of the one who doesn't want another child.
After our 2nd, whom was very colicky (MSPI), my husband said NO MORE KIDS! I knew it would be overwhelming at the time to bring another child into the family. But it was in my heart to have one more. I let it go for quite a few years, but he knew how much i wanted our little girl, which he ended up agreeing to later on down the road. For our situation, my husband just needed more time and understanding, and lucky for us he chose to give me what my heart desired. And thank GOD he did because we now have our little girl along with her two older brothers.
I hope you can both come to an agreement that works for everyone. God bless.

Mandy,

My husband and I were ready for the next one at different times. With baby #1 and #3, I was ready and had to wait for my husband. With baby #2 and #4, he was ready before I was.

I would say the best thing to do is sit down and talk with him about why...but not in a pushy interogation kind of way. Just a "this is important to me and if you don't want another child, I at least want to know why so I can understand your choice." Find out if it is a resolvable situation or at least if it is a "not now" or "not ever" when he says no.

It may have something to do with the current economy. Men (at least the ones I know) have this strong "protector / provider" instinct and often get worried about being able to fulfill their rolls. In regards to being able to afford another one, I personally think that is overplayed in our society. Sure, we should be responsible and not have children that our extended family or government will have to provide for. But that is so often not the case. Children don't need expensive toys or elaborate birthday parties or big vacations. In many cases, (as you pointed out) staying home is more economical than day care.

In our family's case, we cut a lot of corners. Second hand and hand-me-down clothes, coupons, cooking at home from scratch instead of eating out, sack lunches for husband and kids; no sports, extra curricular activities or lessons until age 6...then it is one activity for one season per year. Birthday parties consist of a few friends over to our house to play games, open presents, and eat homemade cake. We only buy our kids toys on Christmas and birthdays, and even then we only spend $40-75 per kid per holiday. We swap babysitting with other couples to save money. We pay cash for everything but our house and keep our cars until we can pay cash for a newer one. Our children have conspicuously less than their peers, yet the most frequent comment I hear about my children is how happy, confident and well behaved they all are.

I hope your husband comes around. Maybe he will; who knows?

Good luck,
S.

You husband said he wanted a big family and now he has it...4 kids is big, especially in this economy. I realize 2 of those kids aren't yours by birth but they are definitely members of your family.

I have totally been there! My hubby wanted to get snipped right after baby #2, but I was adimant(sp?) about making him wait......its been five years now! He hasn't changed his mind though. I too would never do it on purpose, what does that say about a marriage? I don't want to be discouraging, but I have had to let my dream go. I do home daycare, so I do attach to my daycare babies when I get them, but it is just not the same. Now that my kids are older, I have gotten past my "perfect plan" of all my kids being 3 yrs apart so I am getting to the point of begging him to just go get fixed, or it must mean he still wants one! He says it doesn't! Plus now I have occupied my time with things for myself, like going back to college to finish my BA, now that they are older and both in school. I am not so sad about it anymore, but if an accident happened, I sure wouldn't be upset about it. Just give it time and maybe he will change his mind!

If he's against it then it is no for now. Don't pester him about it, just bring it up again periodically and see if he changes his mind. In fact, I might just tell him to let me know if he changes his mind and leave the ball in his court. Two of my friends went through this and ended up having the third child they wanted. If he never wants more children, accept it. Don't get pregnant without his agreement. You'll regret it.

It sounds like your husband might have changed his mind about having more children due to the stress of being the sole money-earner for your family. Maybe if you could sit down and talk calmly with him about why you want a third child and listen to his reasons for not wanting another, the two of you might be able to come to an agreement. If it is about money, there are things that you could do to bring in some income, such as nanny for another family or start an in-home daycare, work evenings and weekends, etc. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I agree that praying and waiting is the best response. Forcing your husband to see things your way could end badly. I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel...once, and then let him think about it on his own.

A.

Hi Mandy
I was in that situation also but accepted my husband's wishes since he was older than me and the sole bread winner of our family. However, I also was praying a lot about it. Never underestimate the power of prayer :)
I was back in school to become a nurse, nearing the age of 40 and happy with 2 kids in school. Then found out I was pregnant - definitely not planned. My husband accepted it (what else could he do???) and now LOVES this crazy little 3 year old boy. I believe it was God's will for our lives.
I guess my suggestion is to LOVE all you have and if it is meant to be....it will happen.
Blessings,
L.

I'm in the same boat. Although, we have three and I'd like a forth child! I'm 38 years old, have a 6 year old daughter, 27 month old son with special needs (Down syndrome) and a 15 month old son that was a "surprise" baby! Indeed, life is crazy, but I stay home with the kiddos, working at home as a PR consultant. Hubby is never home and rarely spends time with the children, but they are the loves of my life! The financial situation is stable and I cannot understand his issues with my desire to have another. Really, this will not be an issue in a year or two, as I have vowed to stop after I hit the age of 40, but I cannot get it out of my head now. My husband thinks that I am crazy, particularly when reviewing the odds of something becoming amiss with regard to genetics. Again, not an issue. My babe with Ds is an angel and I’d change nothing about him. I do agree, however, with the previous replies...both parents need to be in sync when it comes to this decision. I simply cannot understand my husband's hesitation either. Wishing you luck.

I actually have a slightly different take than the other response I see...previously I would have thought if one person firmly says no, then that's basically it, decision made. However, they had this subject on Dr. Phil a few months ago, and his response was very interesting & somewhat surprising to me, although it makes sense. I can't remember exactly how he explained it, but he basically said it's a negotiation and if one person has their heart set on it, and they want to have another baby *more* than the other person doesn't want to have another baby, then the other person (in that case it was the husband also) needs to really give a lot of thought to whether they would be ok with that. There was a lot more to it, and he covered all the pros and cons. The wife wanted to have another baby more than anything, and the husband was firmly at "no", but i think by the end he was realizing what Dr. Phil was saying, and how happy it would make his wife, and whether that was a gift he could give her and be happy about. So, basically, I would say don't give up just yet, if you have your heart set on it! Best of luck, i hope you both come to a decision!

I can totally relate. My husband and I just had our second child in October. Since then he has sworn that we will not have another baby, before it's always been three or four as our goal. We've always talked about having a big family and a few kids, but this second baby seems to have changed his mind. I want another baby, possibly even two. I think that he's just a little flustered right now with the 9 week old and the three year old. I hope that it gets better, because I want to have more children. He even went as far to say that he wanted to get fixed. Which I will not let him do, not yet. So, I got on the IUD and am hoping that when the five years is up we will be ready for another baby!! Good luck!!!

no is the answer. it will put a terrible , and maybe terminal strain on your marriage.

One thing to keep in mind is that it wouldn't be HIS 3rd, it'd be his 5th. (I know you said he doesn't see them now, but that could change in the future, and his financial obligation is still there.)

He's said "no", and in my eyes, there is nothing more to discuss. I think that it's best for everyone, ESPECIALLY the children, if both parents are downright ecstatic about having another child. You really can't negotiate on this one; it's not like deciding whether or not to buy new furniture.

I'm in the same situation but we agreed on two and he went along with saying he wouldn't mind a third but on our way home from the hospital I told him that maybe two was fine and he agreed. I was hormonal and everything was new with having a second but he's not wanting anymore. I too have the itch and can't do anything about it because you, like I, have to honor and respect your spouse. My husband wouldn't love a third as he does the other two. That's what he says anyway. Why would I bring another kid into the world knowing this? I can't do that. You agreed on two and so you have to leave it at that.

I'm not sure how adamant your husband is aobut stopping at two. Since you said he always wanted a large family, it makes me wonder.

Could he be nervous about providing for a larger family? especially if you're not working? If so, maybe you could help to bring in some income or think of ways to reduce costs.

When we had two children, my husband also thought our family was complete. I have a great husband, but to be honest, the baby years aren't his favorite time. He used to tell me that I was better with babies/toddlers but he promised he'd do well when they were teenagers. Well, we now have 4 teenagers and I must admit, he kept to his word. He did fine when they were little, but he LOVES the teenage years!!!

My husband never adamantly said NO to a third child, he just wasn't very receptive. I learned that "timing was everything" when asking if he was ready for a third child. There are certain times...after the kids are in bed, the two of you are alone and enjoying each other, that work well to gently bring up the subject. ;)

the power of a praying wife by stormie omartan (SP?) is a great book. it helps in all aspects of your marriage and really is nice because it puts it all into perspective.

Is it an income thing he is worried about? because there are great jobs for stay at home moms to help contribute to income in the family. I have a pampered chef business and I love it because I can pay half of our mortgage working 5 nights a month and I love getting the products too. it has been such a blessing to our family.

I hope all works out and that you can have another one! If you need a prayer partner, let me know!
A.

Unfortunately, for the sake of your happy marriage and family, I would give up your desire to have a third baby right now and just be content with the great family you currently have - you are very lucky! Fighting with him about it or getting pregnant accidentally when it's not something he wants could bring resentment or worse, ruin your marriage. My marriage wouldn't be worth that and it sounds like neither would yours since you say you have a great marriage! I don't know your family, but perhaps, given the economy, and the fact that you recently lost your job and he's supporting two other kids plus your two, he's concerned about the financial impact, which seems prudent and sensible. These are somewhat scary times and perhaps he's trying to do the best for your family, but is worried about the future now that he's the only one earning a living. If so, I would respect that and be thankful I could stay home and enjoy that gift of time with my current children. Perhaps he will change his mind in the future. But if not, I would let it go, as hard as that might be to do

I agree with Betti. If your husband does not want another one, then you nee to respect his wishes. Just tell him that you would like one and if he changes his mind to let you know.

K.