What to Do??? - Reno,NV

Maybe you have tried this already...but I find that getting down on my DD's level and having a calm, open conversation w/ her works wonders.
Maybe take him out for a special mom and Jonathan date and tell him over ice cream that he needs to start trying harder and not rely on mom so much. That you are so proud of him and love him so much but that he needs to learn to do things on his own.

Maybe when he knows you are looking for him to step up (not out of anger/ frustration), he will.
You will probably have to remind him gently sometimes, but eventually I think he will get it.

Hope that helps a little. :)

Well you are aware of what he needs and that is independence. You sound like you are doing a good job..

Just remember to compliment him when he does things on his own.. Do not go overboard, but do give him some positive feed back every once in a while when he does not ask for help..

Also you need to start asking HIM for help. "Please help me carry this bag of potatoes in." "Please empty the dryer for me, then we can both carry the basket over and fold the clothes."

I also had a low shelf in the kitchen for bowls plates, cups and flatware. This way our daughter could help herself. She could set the table without me having to take everything out of the cabinet and drawers.

I also had the lower shelf of the fridge as a place foe her to get juice boxes, string cheese, fruit, veggies.. etc..

Also low shelf for her cereal, her goldfish, etc..

Look around and see what else he should be able to do on his own and set it up for him..

I try to ask my kids questions so they can figure things out for themselves. Then they can "own" the answer instead of me telling them:

Do you think you can find the step stool to reach that yourself?

Do you know where the bowls and cereal are? Great, I trust you to pour that, you know where the sponge is if you spill.

Can you wait about 30 minutes til I finish this task? Then I'd be happy to play ____ with you.

Tell me what you'd like to do this afternoon and let's plan on playing right before dinner. Can you remind me around 4:30?

My goal is for them to ask themselves these question before they ask me, and to find ways to accomplish things and problem solve on their own. Plus, I really DO want to spend time with them, but do not want to interrupt what I'm doing everytime they need me. By planning ahead, they know they'll have their needs met and get to practice some delayed gratification.

I went back and read your last post to see how old this child was (some people got mixed up and thought 3 not 7) and I see that you described him as worried and anxious. Maybe you are already doing this but try to be free to spend the first 20 minutes after he gets home giving him your undivided attention. (have the little one busy, or resting, or napping, or watching tv) Dont wait till he asks for your attention, give him the attention BEFORE he asks for it - then after 20 minutes you get busy with dinner, the house, and the little brother (that part sounds easy ) Answer his pleas with "you can do it your self and I'm busy now" If he plays with brother or builds something with legos PRAISE his efforts! but dont get sucked in again, then give him another 20-30 minutes of undivided attention again before bed or right after dinner. this technique is called "feed the meter" put your quarter or dime (you decide you're in charge) in BEFORE the child gets whiny for your attention. I apologize if you are already doing this.

Don't worry, you are fine, and you are doing fine.

Now, I just want to add: That this may also be, his personality.
The reason I say this is, I have 2 kids. My Daughter, is like that (not to that extent, but similar to your son), and my son, is NOT at all like that.
They have completely different personalities.
I did not treat them differently.
I did not raise them differently.

So my point is: do not feel bad. It is not your fault nor your total creation of him, that he is this way.
BUT yes, you must teach him, how to be less so like that, AND make sure he does get better at managing himself.

You did not say, how old this son is????

You also, do NOT have to be at his every beck and call.
Gradually, and as he gets older, he should get the point.
Also teach him, to do things for YOU too. For his Mommy.
Teach him about "helping" and being a "TEAM", too.
It is not only... about doing things for HIMself.. but also for you/others. So that he gets the hang of it.

To help him: Just remember yourself, that this is GOOD for him. You are giving him Wings to fly, with.
So, do not get snappy.
This is ALL new to him. He is learning. Just keep at it.
My Daughter is 8.... and though better and though she is in fact very independent, she is still a tad that way.
Again, she is not a bad girl or a selfish girl. She has just always been this way, since she was born.

My son, has NEVER been this way.
AND... my son, was conceived/born AFTER I had had a miscarriage.
But that did not in any way... "make" him more needy/and me more catering to him.
As I said, my son is MUCH more different, than my daughter.

all the best,
Susan

I just wanted to add that I think a lot of this is normal 3 y/o behavior! I have a fairly independent 3.5 y/o and she still does a lot of these things you mentioned, so don't be so hard on yourself in thinking that you created a monster. 3 is old enough to be independent and play by yourself, etc., etc....but he's also still a baby in the grand scheme of life and he just wants his mom. So, I get where you're at and I thought that Laurie A. and Nancy W. gave some really good tips as to how to get what you want. I do a lot of those things with my daughter and they work great! Some days are better than others. Also, give him lots and lots of choices, that works great too! Things like...oh are you ready for breakfast? Are you going to get out the milk or the bowl first? Or...It's time to get dressed, are you going to choose your top or your bottom first? This way it gets him to do it on his own plus gives him some direction as to what exactly he's supposed to be doing! Hang in there!

Your feelings are very normal. My 9y, my first is this way...

Try to arrange it so that when he first gets home, you can devote 20m of time to him. Find out what his day was like, get him a snack, etc. As for him being more independent, have him help you with things. Making dinner, setting the table, getting drinks, you are right there working with him, but you aren't doing it all yourself.

M.

I just wanted to add that I agree with another mom who said that sometimes it is just a child's personality rather than anything you did.

My older one was more like that, while my younger son has always been much more independent. However, both of them are very independent now (at 16 & 13). Now neither one wants that much to do with me (LOL), so enjoy these days while they last.

I would just be very structured with him - let him know down to 15 minute increments what is going to happen every day (even schedule in free time/mom-dad time, etc.).

Good luck.

I don't have any good advice, I just wanted to tell you that I don't think that this is anything YOU did. Some kids are just more needy than others. The independent, less-needy children are that way from birth, and remain that way no matter how much you try to do for them.

My oldest was my most needy. It was hard. I have him on video asking me to watch him over, and over, and over. After the 7th time of him asking you to watch the same thing, it's hard not to get annoyed.

I think the best you can do is spend 1/2-1 hour per day of wholly engaged one-on-one time with a needy child, and after that they are just going to have to learn that mommy has other things to attend to.

It will definitely stop when he's a teen, if that's any comfort.

I saw the other day these super cute timings, there in shapes of animals and there is other one with lights.
I have the one with the lights, I use it for other things but I think it can help you to.
Put some time, start with little amaunts and add more minutes as he gets good at it.
Example:
"If you can wait and (play alone/do it your self/try to get it on your own) on this time momy would (help you/do it/reward you)"
and keep adding the time as he get use to.
I think you are already in the right path, knowing that his independence will help both of you, the rest will come with consistency.

It sounds to me like he's old enough for a sit down chat. Just explain to him that you love doing things with him, whether it's playing or helping, but that you also love seeing him learn to do things on his own. It's a natural part of life, doing things on your own, and he won't lose out on any time with you by getting his own cup or spending time building something with Legos by himself. Then look for opportunities to praise his independence.

My son does not have a very assertive personality. He thinks things through to such an extent that he scares himself. He is seven years old and decided one day that he was not scared anymore and rode his bike. My other kids started riding their bikes at around four but he could not stand the idea of falling on the ground. He just started riding it and had no major accidents. I just think some kids are more needy then others. I just tell him sometimes that if he wants to wait for me to help him then I can help him. Most of the time he would rather not wait and does it himself. Other times I just look in his face and tell him that he is a big boy and can do it by himself. He is very smart and brings him excellent grades. More then likely it is just his personality. Keep encouraging him to venture away and do things by himself and he will when he is ready.