What's Wrong with Me? I'm Not a Good Mom.

I found that age to be very difficult. My husband was very busy and not home much, and I really didn't know any other moms. I used to take my son to the park, the soft-play at the mall, shopping, anything like that just to get out of the hosue and see other adults, even if the only one I really talked to was the cashier.

What really helped for me was taking a class at the YMCA. We signed up for a swim class together. Not super exciting, but something to do together and with other moms. When he was about 15 or 16 months he was old enough to do other classes as well. We took gym, art and swim classes (not at the same time, but those were classes in his age group). Soon I met a couple of moms in one class and we started a play group. That helped so much!!!

I swear the toughest time for me was birth to 18 months. After that it really did get easier. They sleep better (at least mine did), they can sit at a table and eat (you don't have to spoon feed them), they can run around, they start to talk, there's just so much more you can do with them.

My advise is to hang in there and start looking for classes and/or ways to meet other moms. Adult social interaction can be a lifesavor!

I related to your post, and sug', I'm sending you so many hugs.

Look, when my daughter was around the same age, I felt pretty isolated and fragmented, in no small part because I was. I also live a ways out of town and I gotta tell you, the winters here are dreary.

I'm a person who does best when I'm a whole woman. When my daughter was very young, I had some trouble discovering my identity, as a mother AND all of the other stuff I had already been. It helps me to think about myself as a watch. I cannot extract the woman from the mother, and if I don't tend to my whole self I feel pretty miserable.

I don't know about you, but I like being around people. I need alone time too, but social companionship is a very important process in my life. I have learnt for from my relationships (and the conversations I get to have in them) than I have from any other single source. Granted, it can feel overwhelming at times, and I've also got to take time for myself, just to decompress.

But anyway. At some point I figured out that I wanted to model to my children a fulfilled parent. So I started having more fun in life. I started reading a lot, just between things or when the kids (by then my niece had started living with us) were napping. I called up friends to chat while I emptied the dishwasher, or took my children for adventures that I was excited about (why NOT play dragons in the woods, or just lay in the grass staring at a bug? Why NOT vacuum in heals just to see if I can?

Yes my house is a mess sometimes (okay, most of the time), and yes I have off days. I don't play with my kids ALL the time and I take space from them when I can (I set up childcare trades with friends). Once or twice a day, I play a show for them or let them play starfall.com so that I can daydream on mamapedia.

In short, I forgive myself for being human and I do stuff that keeps me excited about life. Because I want my kids to be excited about life. I want them to see me as curious and engaged. I want them to see me with a close circle of friends and a healthy relationship with my self and others. Because, more than anything, I want that for them. I want them to feel fulfilled and I figure the best way to help them to do so, is to learn how to do it myself.

I don't think you sound like a bad mom. I think you sound like a mama who feels scared and guilty, and, well, I don't think many of us haven't felt that at times. At least, I've felt that way. A lot.

Trust yourself. Stay in the present moment as much as possible (and let yourself off the hook when it's not perfect), and do things for yourself. Being a parent is tough work. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Independent playtime is a great skill for children to learn, in my opinion.

Kuddos to you for your honesty! You sound like you might have some mild depression. If so, I would look into getting some help. Isolation is not good for you or your baby. Maybe find a mom's group on meet up.com or through MOPS at a local church. MOPS is awesome! Support makes a huge difference. Also, can you have someone come in a few hours a week so you can get some time for yourself? I would also try and set up weekly outings with you and your baby to local library, mall, park...anything to get out. As far as talking, just talk out loud about whatever you are doing. Describe everything to him that you see. Also, try and take the pressure off yourself and have some fun with him. Joke around and play. Turning music on helps too. Blessings!

I can relate to the "not talking to him much." When I had my first baby I did wonderful with him, feeding, clothing, holding, rocking. Everything he needed I did for him. I was very much bonding with him and a great loving mommy. But I realized at about 3 months that I almost never spoke to him. I had spent most days home alone before he was born and just got used to not having any conversation. I saw some thing on a tv show about babies needing the voice of a human to help them learn to talk, and think and adapt to the world and suddenly I thought, "Oh No, my baby will be scarred for life and never speak"! So, I had to start talking. Anything was fine, just talk, nonsense if needed, but I started talking around him. Id walk into the room to get him up from his nap and Id say "well hi there little boy, you woke up, look how big your eyes are, and how wet your diaper is! Lets change you, please dont pee on me and then we will go for a walk outside and see trees and birds",,,, on and on. I did find it easier the first few weeks if I put on music and sang along with it. Just singing in the same room made him look at me, and watch me move thru the house. Sometimes I just carried him around like a football while I picked up, did laundry or whatever, singing. I was very much aware that I was making a difference in his little brain. It sorta made us bond better, in a different way too. I guess maybe looking back at it, I was better connected to him after that. I felt comfortable with babies, but something different grew between my son and myself. Sure I had times as he grew that I just wished hed leave me alone or be quiet, or go to his room, and let me do what I was doing. Thats normal for any parent and I have never felt I was different from other moms in that area. but not talking to him was something I had never thought of until I realized I was having trouble with it, and fixed it. Glad I did too. Hes almost 35 and we talk all the time..lol

Oh, honey. You are doing just fine with your son! Toddlers are tough - they aren't babies anymore, but yet they're not talking either. Add to that, at this age, toddlers don't play WITH other people, just NEAR them. It's very likely that he enjoys playing with his toys with you nearby - it doesn't matter if you're folding laundry, making dinner, scrubbing the shower. He is content knowing you are there while he plays.

Something my daughters and I enjoyed at that age was taking walks. It doesn't really matter if there's nothing exciting to see. Fresh air is good for you both, and your son will like to check out the birds, squirrels, passing cars, leaves, bugs... almost anything is interesting to kids that age. Also, I always liked putting some music on and singing and dancing. Toddlers make a very appreciative audience, even if you're a terrible singer and dancer! They have some pretty good moves themselves! Haha... And you know what is always totally fascinating to toddlers? Costco. No joke. Even the grocery store will do in a pinch.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Just because you're an at-home mom, that doesn't mean your entire being needs to revolve around your toddler. In fact, I'd say it's just the opposite. He will fit quite nicely into YOUR daily agenda - grocery shopping, cleaning, singing, walking, whatever it is you're going to do, he will get on board with it, I promise. Don't think of yourself as Entertainer in Chief of this little guy. He will be fine. Just do your thing! I promise, one day children DO start to get more interesting. :)

First of all, he is 13mos, so give it a chance for him to develop. You are his M. and will never stop being that. He may not be an emotional type baby, but believe me your presence alone is comforting for him. In time you will find what makes him click and then you will be wondering why you thought the way you did.

My son when he was born, had a serious face, no smile and for a while I thought he would never. One day my oldest did the silliest thing with a hand puppet and he almost died laughing..the cutest and most memorable time.

Bonding takes time. Nurturing doesn't always come natural, but one thing is sure, you love him. For you to begin to think you are not a good M., means you are. He will not grow up not wanting to have anything to do with you...that is almost funny. It will happen in time and even if it does not, you will find your own way to connect with him in time, even if it is not huggy kissy poo!

Watch his play, what he does and learn from him. Let him teach you how to treat him rather than expect him to do what you feel is bonding. Best of luck, and please don't say he is getting on your nerves for being himself. Last thing to check is if he is responding well to other stimuli and then you can rule out medical issues such as autism.

I would try getting out of the house with him. One of the best classes I did with my son when he was around 12 months was a music class for 6-18 month olds. After the class, I would play the CD a lot and sing the songs with him, I bought him some instruments to use just like in the class. Sometimes, he wouldn't do anything at the class but sit and watch, but I knew he was just taking it all in because at home he would really get in to it.

Libraries often have story hours for very young children.

You know, when you have a baby and you happen to be a SAHM, a lot of us start thinking that since you stay at home, you must spend so much time talking to your baby, playing with them, or teaching them something - 24 X 7.

That is so not true. Being an SAHM simply means - you work at home, on your home, for your home and family. You still need to do your chores. You don't have to spend all your time playing or talking to the baby! :)

It feels like you are doing great, but because it happens in a scattered manner and maybe not in a regular times of the day, you get an overall feeling like something's missing.

Listen to SweetChaosWith3's idea - make a schedule. Devote time for your chores, and plan to let your baby play and engage himself. Teaching babies to engage and play by themselves is equally important, as sitting with them and playing/teaching them stuff. Plan meal-times, plan nap times. Plan play-together times. This way, you'll start feeling that you are giving him your 100% focus, during the scheduled hours, but you also find time to do your work during other time. He'll also start looking fwd to doing some activities with you, at his regular time. Babies understand patterns very easily, and they enjoy it a lot!
And, along with schedules, make small milestones for yourself and your son. Like, by this week, my son should be able to recognize lions and tigers in the animal picture book. That week, focus on doing that milestone activity with him. You won't have to think what to do everyday! And you'll be happy you are getting somewhere, together!

I did exactly this, and it helped me bond with DD very well, and it made me able to focus on her care as well as house chores and my hobbies much better.

There's not a lot of 2 way conversation with a 1 yr old.
It's a lot like talking to yourself, but you do get comfortable with it sooner or later.
Interaction with you is how your child s brain begins to put language together.
So you sing silly songs, read to him (anything, it doesn't matter. Seriously you could read him stock market trading results in a sing song voice and he'd love it just as much as a story).
Talk to him about dirt diggers and cows.
Play and snuggle, tickle and giggle.
Take pictures!
There are some people who just have a hard time dealing with the baby days (and there are some babies who don't interact as much).
They go fairly quickly and before you know it you are into the potty training and preschool phase.
Different ages/different stages, and we learn to roll with them!

You're not a bad mom! I think you're feeling isolated. I nearly went crazy when my son was first born because everyone gave me the advice to talk to him as much as I could and I never had anything to say! So I read to him, sometimes for a couple of hours a day. And now at age 5 he loves, loves, loves books. I also took long walks with him. You say that you live far from town, but if you are in Livingston you can't be that far from things. Take him to the Livingston Mall to climb in the kids' area. Go to the library, the Y, swimming lessons, etc. Having a 13 month old is a great time to meet other moms. Being around other adults will help you feel better about everything.
Good luck!

I really don't think what you are describing is abnormal. A toddler is not able to be the main company for an adult. Expecting him to be, or for you to be fulfilled with mainly just him in your life is just going to lead to disappointment.

An 13 month old can not keep up a conversation for long, even if they are very verbal. My daughter started talking very early, but I needed to talk with grown-ups, too!

Like others have said, one thing to do is to find some type of class or activity that regularly meets to give you a break and be around other adults and kids. Maybe you could meet other moms and do some sharing of babysitting - trading times with kids so you had some time alone to do something that interests you, too?

I was working full-time when my daughter was 13 months. She loved going to daycare, and even though it was sometimes hard to leave her, I enjoyed having productive work to do with adults. I really would have driven myself, and her, crazy staying home.

You are not a bad mom. We all learn as we go. You already realize that you could do more to talk with your son and are looking for ways to make it happen. I think that makes you a good mom.

If you have trouble thinking of what to say, you could read to him. And sometimes, quiet cuddling is enough. It might be good for both of you to meet with other moms. It would give you something to talk about as well as someone to talk to... I think you are on the right track! Blessings....

Just narrate your life, for me it was/is more fun to randomly sing about it but I am a singer. I do not interact with my son all the time all day long, even at that age. We did our own things and had our time at random points. Now, kids at this age do not really play with things for longer than a few min 5 max really so do not expect some huge play session. We did a lot of tickling, cuddle time and running with the dogs at that age too. I still wore him in my hot sling and we would just walk around the house or he would be on me (worn) while I did laundry or swept the floors (no carpet) or did the dishwasher. Honestly, a few min of interaction every 20 and you are good to go at this age. He wants to explore his world and when he wants you to see it he will find you and share. Just follow up with him and keep bathroom doors shut/locked/child proofed narrate what you are doing and do not put too much pressure on the situation. You are not a bad mom - but maybe co napping would not hurt!

The best thing you can do is to make a daily schedule for yourself. If you wake up before he does, do a few things around the house before he gets up (throw in a load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, get stuff ready for breakfast). Then when he wakes up, have breakfast, get him dressed, etc..then have a chunk of time dedicated to playing with him. Switch out his toys so he has something new to play with. Let him lead the play, ask him questions about what he's playing with, do songs and fingerplays, read books to him. After that chunk of time, let him play independently or throw a PBS show on and do a little more around the house (load the dishwasher, clean bathrooms, fold some laundry) Then it's lunch time and nap time. I try to divide nap time into time for me to do cleaning that I can't do when he's around (mopping the floors etc...) or time to make phone calls, check my e-mail, or just take a little while to sit and relax. After nap, go out for a walk or play outside, go to the library, or the store. I think it's good to try and get out at least once a day. While you're out, point things out to him "Look at the plane in the sky! Where do you think it's headed?", "Look at how green the leaves are getting! It's spring time!" "Oh, a firetruck. What color is it? It's red, isn't it?". You are your child's first teacher, and they learn best by being talked to and read to.

That happens sometime especially when your a stay at home mom. You need a break from each other to realize how much u love each other. Don't feel bad your a good mom. Go out and do something fun with your baby and on your own as wel. God bless u!

Lots of moms feel this way, only we don't ever talk about it. There is not always a "magical" bond that we expect, sometimes it just grows over time. He is very tiny now. As long as you don't feel you are depressed (that is something to talk to your doctor about), as he grows and his skills and interests expand, you will discover more and more fun things to do together.

Give yourself a break. You're not a bad mom, you're a mom with some struggles to get through, like we all have. Talk to your husband, maybe he can help you get some perspective.

There's nothing wrong with you or your son. If you look up various child development websites, you will find out how babies and children react with the world at different times in their lives. You are dealing with a 1 yr. old. At that age they are considered as egocentric. Then they start engaging in what is called parallel play around 2. They really dont' start interactively playing with others until they are 3. That means your son isn't really going to be interested in you when playing and that's ok. Just enjoy watching him. Being silent is a good thing too, you don't want to bombard him with too much stimulus or he will get cranky. I can understand the short fuse feeling and that is normal too. It especially happens when you don't have any help taking care of him. I had a play pen for my son. You just need to make sure it's a safe one. I'd put him in there with his toys while I'd do other things like cooking or cleaning. I'd keep him with in "ear shot," so I could hear him. I'd also check on him frequently. If you can get a relative or friend to come over to watch him while you clean, that would be even better yet. You are a good mom. It's obvious when you are reaching out for advice.

S., you are doing just fine, I think you just have no idea what it looks like to be a mom of a baby/ toddler. All moms are busy with house work and we all feel guilty about it. Thats why God made grandparents!
I used to feel badly about how little I interacted with my little ones too, but trust me, he knows you are there. Thats a comfort to him. I bet he likes to be near you in the kitchen or the bathroom or where ever you are. But he's busy too, trying to figure things out. Take moments with him, 5 min. here and 15 minutes there to interact. Don't feel like you need to tell him things or cary on conversations. Most moms narrate. This helps them with language, "and now mommy is going to change your poopy buns because you are a stinky stindkerson" , or "this macaroni is growing mold, I think I'll toss it in the trash". What ever you are doing, just narrate. Honestly I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself to entertain and stimulate your son. Many wonderful well rounded people grew up and their moms had to work their butts off all day on house work before the days of modern conveniences. Its okay. Its not a requirement to be a circus of entertainment for them. In fact, I'm not even sure thats good for kids.
It could just be your expectations or picture is off. I pictured my children cuddling on the couch with me all day. To my surprise she was non stop activity and couldn't bother to snuggle ever (now at 4 she snuggles a bit). My picture was all wrong and I had to adjust. If you really think there is a bounding issue then seek help, but if you are wanting some reassurance, your story sound perfectly normal to me.
Sometimes I feel I have not payed my littlest enough attention at all so I drop everything and sit on the floor with her and her toys. She usually continues doing what it was she was doing before. She likes me, but doesn't necessarily play with me per say. Some ideas on developmental appropriate stimulation may help you. 13 mo is still pretty much a baby and its a while until kids to interactive play.

You are keeping him safe, and fed, and giving him things to amuse himself with. You are being a GREAT MOM. That has nothing to do with the way you are feeling: you need to call your doctor (or even mention it to his pediatrician) and tell them that you feel you aren't bonding correctly with your son.

There are many reasons why this may be - the simplest of which can be exhaustion or sleep deprivation (on your part). May also be a developmental issue (on his part). I didn't really BOND with my Kiddo until he was almost 3YO... I had pre-eclampsia when he was born, so I had major lingering health issues preventing me from truly enjoying him for years. We are fine now!

He can't know any better. You are the ONLY mom he knows. Everything you DO is spectacular to him, and he will be just fine. You just need to find some support so that you can figure out why you feel this way. I hope you find it soon.

Hi,

Don't ever say you're a bad mother (unless there's other stuff going on we know nothing about!.. just teasing). Clearly you have identified that there's something wrong with the way you relate to your child. Bad mothers don't see anything wrong. You have and that's half the battle. The other half is doing something about it.

You need to ask yourself why you find it difficult to bond with him. Is it something from your past, resentment towards your partner, or maybe your environment when you were growing up was not affectionate. I don't know but take the time to find out.

I know exactly what you're talking about cause I was there with my first and even though we didn't really bond back then we're close now (he's 24).
With my second, it was quite the opposite. I would never leave him alone. I would also kiss him, squeeze him, hug him incessantly. I always tell him that I love him so deeply and that love is bigger than the world. I tell him he's my little partner. These things are so important because it helps with their social skills too. So I encourage you to dig deep and find out. There's a little kid wanting to feel that from the inside and kids are very intuitive.

Hope this helps.

Good luck to you!

Great first question! Welcome to MP!