What's Wrong with Me? - Kenai,AK

Ah, I just want to give you a hug! I don't really have any advice, I just want you to know that I'm rooting for you!

What helps me out is diet & exercise. It may sound crazy, but if I'm super tired, I take a 15 min walk. It's amazing how those little endorphins wake a person up. If you feel you're ready to snap--go for a walk. Stay away from refined sugars and processed foods. Eat as much fresh fruit & veggies as possible.

Print out your question and go to the ER and show it to someone.

I'm serious.

Don't be scared. It sounds like you haven't been to the right doctor because, although I am no psychiatrist, your posting is screaming out for help (just like you mentioned) and there are definite red flags and warnings that you need immediate help from a qualified professional.

Be open to the process and keep asking questions until someone, SOMEONE hears you. You may be surprised as it could make all the difference in the world.

Honestly - print this out and go to the ER and get the help you need.

You mentioned battling depression and anxiety for since your teenage years but I'm wondering if you have gotten the help you need? Sounds like you may have a chemical imbalance? Have you gotten medical help or counseling? I think it's time. There is no shame in taking medication to help with depression and/or anxiety. Time to take care of YOU, go see a doctor and be VERY clear on what you are experiencing so you can get the help you deserve.

Please tell me what helps cause I might have wrote this too! Your not alone

First off: (((((((((((HUG))))))))))

While this does sound like it could be depression or anxiety related, it sounds quite a bit bi-polar to me. Happy-go-lucky and fine one moment and then you go completely off the deep end. 0-60 in no time.

I know you said you've talked to the doctors and your tired of it but it sounds like you need a different doctor. Find anyone else that will listen. Or maybe rather than just seeing a therapist or counciler, go to a psychiatrist. Not only will you be able to talk about how you're feeling but he/she will be best able to properly diagnose what you're going through and possibly find a medication regimine for you.

Until then, maybe keep a journal or diary. Drown yourself in what makes you happy (reading, art, writing...) Try to not sweat the little stuff. You are not alone. And look at yourself everyday in the mirror and tell yourself 3 things you like about you. Even if you lie to yourself in the begining. You'll soon start to believe them.

One more (((((((((((HUG)))))))))) for the road. Good luck J.. :)

EDIT: You can click on our names. It will take you to "our page" and you can send a private message from there. I believe the link is at the top right of the page.

I didn't read all of it, but what popped into my mind was "bipolar disorder."

See your doc. You need help because this isn't something you can or should handle by yourself.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry you have been suffering with this for so long and feel so helpless:( I feel for you and am a bit concerned that no one has taken your needs seriously. What you are experiencing is very biological in nature and causing you extreme psychological distress...to the point of maybe blaming yourself for not being able to just stop the chaos. You can't stop it on your own and trying will only make things worse. You really should consider finding a good therapist or psychiatrist to help you decrease your
symptoms and sufferring.

You mentioned seeing doctors...have you seen a therapist or psychiatric nurse practitioner? There are medications that can help with the symptoms you described. No one can diagnose properly here, but it sounds like you could benefit from mood stablizers.

Please consider calling a crisis line to get hooked up with some resources and referrals specific to what your needs are. It sounds like your thoughts are starting to flirt with suicide or giving up, whatever that might look like. Plase call your local hotline or a national mental health hotline. There is nothing wrong with you as a person, but there are some chemical things happening to make you feel like something is inherantly wrong with you. If your doctor prescribed meds in the past and they didn't work, it could mean you were on the wrong meds. Doctors ARE NOT trained for these kinds of biological mental health struggles so you really need to see a specialist.

If you are feeling at the end of your rope, it is an emergency and I might also recommend going to the emergency room. They have specialists on call for these types of situations who will help you get connected to the right medications with the right person to help you monitor the meds. They will also hook you up with a therapist who will stick with you while the process of finding the right med combo and doses takes place. This process can take a few weeks, but you will thank yourself for being brave enough to insist your needs be met.

I wish I had a better answer:( This CAN get better...just don't give up! And don't expect yourself to do this alone. Your husband and kids love you and want you well so they can see you smile:) But they don't know what to do any more than you do. There are plenty of resources for you with people who will know what to do. Seek them out.

One caution with your symptoms: antidepressants in the SSRI family (zoloft, lexapro, cylexa, prozac) might make your symptoms WORSE if you have a bi-polar chemical imbalance. Welbutrin with a mood stablizer (usually litium but there are options) might help.

I know it's going to be tough, but until you get help, remind yourself the biology of your brain is influencing the thoughts you have. I experienced something very similar and ended up enrolling in the most difficult biology classes I could find so I could force myself to stop having thoughts of self harm. in my case, it kept me alive until we could figure out what was causing it all, which for me was a bad response to SSRI's after quitting smoking. As soon as I was taken off the meds (nearly 2 years later) my symptoms went away. I hope this happens for you too. For me the medication caused the problems due to chemistry, for you it is still chemistry doing this so please try not to allow too many negative thoughts about yourself and please seek help.

This can get better so I will send you all my best energy and hope you find someone to help you soon:)

Edit: I see you have family history of bi-polar. Please don't let this freak you out:) The meds today are NOTHING like in your moms day. Seriously:) You might have many issues with your mom for experiences you had with her. Those issues are legitimate but in no way speak to your worth or even your right to hope. Your kids need you to be strong enough to seek help. If you can't do it for you, do it for them. Or better yet, do it for the little girl you once were who needed mom to be ok. You deserve to be ok. You really do!

First of all, (((BIG HUG)))).
Second of all, take a moment and take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.
I've been there. I understand. I get the feeling of not being able to control the ugly coming out of your mouth. I get the crying and not being able to stop. I used to not be able to stop until I had made my SO cry. I understand how you feel. You aren't alone.
Now. I know you hate talking about this again, but you must. You told us, and you have our support. If you have talked to doctors and they have not helped you, you need to talk to another doctor. And another if necessary. And another. Keep talking until someone listens.
I know you say you won't do anything to yourself, but you are thinking about it. Go to this website http://www.hopeline.com/ they have helped many, many people. Even if you are not currently REALLY thinking about doing anything, they can help you find a doctor or therapist to talk to that WILL listen to you.
Good luck! Our prayers are with you!
***EDIT***
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I'd be curious to know what your childhood and your parents were like. I'm not an expert by any stretch (this is my "mom" opinion) but it almost sounds to me like you have deep-seeded anger that comes out as depression and impulsive behavior (blow-ups). Did you have family members with "boundary" issues? Narcissism? As a child did you frequently have to care-take others and set your own needs aside? Something about your question sparked that thought in my mind (when you mentioned finally getting to your coffee and then it spilled).

You mentioned unresolved issues from your past - is there a way to get back into counseling to work on those?

In the meantime I would focus on my health and exercise, exercise, exercise. My moods are much better when I'm good with my B vitamins and my essential fatty acids. You need to take care of yourself.

I'm not a fan of medications but for some people they do help.

Finally, I would let go - once and for all - of the the thought that your family would be better off without you.

Good luck and I hope you can find some resolution and peace.

PS: If this seems to be an emergency situation you need to get help immediately (as another mom said - go to the ER).

Sounds like you have some work to do in that you need to find the right doctor or combination of doctors which I know can be a long process. Also if you do try medication, those can affect people differently so that may not be a cut and dried thing either. For now, read everything you can about depression and bipolar disorder. Also make sure you have had a physical recently incase there are other issues going on such as Thyroid etc. Concentrate on diet and exercise and things YOU can control. Hopefully that alone will help you feel more in control and successful. If sleep is an issue for you, work on that too. Just so this isn't overwhelming choose one thing at a time to work on until it is a habit and move on. Anyway, ALL the best to you and I hope this starts resloving itself sooner rather than later!

Oh, I wonder if your husband could be educated so he can be more helpful so a joint counseling session might be good. How awful to be in a situation like that having him tell you something you already know. Not sure but maybe you can give him some insite into what would help you (Humor? support? not saying anything?)

Hi. I have a friend who is bipolar plus her hormones were whacked out because of a hysterectomy in her 20s.

She swears by doing weight lifting. She is not a big body builder, just a fit person that does not look mannish : ). She lifts weights and it stabilizes her moods better than the meds or other types of exercise.

My family has depression/anxiety in it. For me, I get depressed/anxiety easily if I am not careful. What has helped me more than anything else is to not label myself as depressed/anxious, to say OUT LOUD kind and forgiving things to myself if I have acted crazy, and Qi Gong (very similar to yoga but easier and more relaxing). Forgive yourself for blowing up over the coffee. Don't dramatize it into ruining your family. Try and remember that all moms of little kids lose it sometimes and act idiotic, then feel stupid afterwards. The key is to neurologically settle yourself down with Qi Gong, for example, to clear your mind, then use forgiveness for yourself and others.

The more women I talk to, the less crazy I have felt and the more I have realized that I am not crazy, just a moody female. Acupuncture is good for some people, too. Medications are bad, in my opinion. Studies show that they don't cure anything, just make you feel less crazy and more even, and then the goal should be to wean yourself off of them because of all the side effects. I am not against them totally or judge anyone for taking them, but I think there are better ways. Also, don't worry about your past. You can be successful despite having a crappy childhood or whatever it was. We all have baggage. You can choose to think about it a lot, feel sorry for yourself about it, or you can choose instead to meditate. Sit quietly and imagine yourself handling your life in a positive way. Your thoughts control your behavior and your mood. So imagine or write down your ideal self in a journal. Olympic athletes visualize their success as well. You have to think yourself healthy and then your moods and behavior will follow. You can do it. It's a lifetime cure rather than a bandaid.

I could have written your letter a few years ago, all of it. I've been there, done that, banged my head on the wall and felt hopeless that things would ever change. Some things have changed, but mostly I have changed. I don't feel like that at all anymore. There is hope!

Everyone is different but I'll tell you some of what helped me so maybe something I say can help you.

Find a different doctor, one who listens. It was my dermatologist who saw my thinning hair and sent me to a thyroid specialist who found that I have an auto-immune thyroid disorder that was affecting my moods, even tho my thyroid levels were in the normal range in the lab tests. There are other physical and chemical imbalances that require meds. Sometimes it takes patience and determination to figure it out so find a doctor who will take your concerns seriously and work with you.

Try giving up sugar. Refined sugar and that high fructose corn sweetener just sends me over the edge. Even now that I'm much better, that stuff is like poison to me.

Find out why you are over-reacting. When I explode over some small thing, I am really reacting to something else in my past, maybe something bottled up or else a hurt in the past I haven't dealt with. The small incident (spilled coffee) is just the trigger that set it off. The button it pushed (what's wrong with me, I'm always clumsy, I can't do anything right, I'm hopeless and worthless) is the issue I really need to deal with.

Find a good counselor or therapist. Some are better than others, so don't give up til you find someone who can help you. I saw several before finding a woman who was able to get right to the heart of my problems and help me in just a few months. I also joined a "change" group through the Genesis Process (genesisprocess.org ), and read everything I could get my hands on that applied to my situation. Alot of it I ordered from our library.

It's been 2 years since I hit bottom and took action. Alot of the emotional work was painful. And I've pursued answers like it's a part time job for all the time I've spent. But it is so worth it. I feel like a different person now, happy and optimistic. My kids are starting to heal, too.

Whether your problem is physical, emotional or both, you don't have to stay stuck. You can turn things around for yourself and your family. Feel free to send me a message if have questions or want more info.

honey, you are showing all the signs of being bi polar, calm down. if the doctor put you on anti depressants instead of medication for bi polar disorder, that would explain alot. my first husband, and his entire family had problems with bi polar. repetitive behavior is very common with bi polar. but, your children come first, call a friend to come over and take care of the kids for little while, then sit down, call your doctor, and tell him/her what you are currently experiencing, if you dont want to do this do yourself, DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN,THEY NEED A MOMMY. my little girl is the best thing to ever happen to me, what about you ?
K. h.

If you want to respond to someone, click on their name at the top of their post and it will take you to their "page", then click on "send them a private message" or something like that (can't remember the exact wording) and you can send them a message, like an email.

You are soooo not alone. I've been in the same place as you are now, and not all that long ago. You need to see a different doctor, one that will take you seriously and listen to you. I hate our family doctor and was so desperate but couldn't stand the thought of going to her. I decided that the person I felt the most comfortable talking to, and that I knew would listen, was my midwife. So I went to her and had a complete sobbing breakdown in her office. She figured out what I needed to do- which ended up being a mix of meds and counseling. She warned me that it may take a while to figure out which meds work (because some might make you feel groggy or foggy.... sound familiar?) and wed found that Wellbutrin works for me. I started seeing a counselor and I'm so much happier. I've finally started working through issues that I've held inside for a LONG time and I truly feel I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Decide who that doctor is that you feel comfortable with... even if it's a particular nurse at your doctors office that you like... and call them. Now. It will get better, I promise. Send me a private message if you want. Hugs :)

As I was reading your post I kept thinking about my husband... he is bi-polar, and has been on many meds. It's a struggle as I battle depression also, and some days I want to strangle him :) He is now on Celexa (sp?), which is a lifesaver, but it's still not a miracle drug. It had gotten so bad at one point that when he would raise his hands the kids didn't know if he wanted a hug or was going to smash something... they were scared of him. He understands he has to WANT to do better, and he has quit drinking and started exercising, which is a good outlet for some of that emotion. I urge you to find a doctor that will listen, or a psychiatrist... and remember, you're not alone!

J.,

All you have to do is remind yourself that everything you do does not have to be perfect and if you make a mistake forgive yourself. It is ok. Walk away from what would potentially trigger your upset, rethink and come back to handle it. Try not to punish yourself for how you reacted out of control when you went ballistic, it's your emotions gone wild. It could mean your hormones are out of sync. Get that checked and be nice to yourself. You are not a wreck, you just need to learn how to take back calm control of your situations.

J.,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like you need to find another doctor who can really get to the root of your issues. I would keep searching until you find the right fit. If your doctors aren't listening, don't stop until you find someone who does. Ask for a referral to a great psychiatrist. See what happens. It sounds like you have a chemical imbalance in your body which is prompting these episodes of anger and sadness. I want to say though, its NOT your fault. Please, if you are thinking about hurting yourself or others, call the 911. I hope that you are ok and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes~

Molly

sweetie u need to find another doctor....you sound so much like my ex-husband that has bipolar its nothing to be scared of you just need to get on meds to help with ur moods.....its not easy for ur family to watch u bein like that im sure it scares ur babys:( just find a better doctor that will get u on the right path:) good luck

It is so good that you recognize that the uncontrollable anger is a problem. Anger to the point of rage is a common component of many mood disorders but at least you are not in denial over what is happening and I think that would really help in getting treatment. It is now thought that there may be a genetic association with many mood disorders combined with environmental factors. The fact that your mom struggled with a mood disorder probably impacted the way you grew up and you may have more difficulty processing emotions - you may be unable to consistently sort out emotions. Because of that processing difficulty, a lot of emotions - frustration, nervousness, anxiety, fear - can all come out as anger/rage. There are lots of different medications to try that may help and not make you feel like a zombie but there are also therapies available now that don't necessarily have to include medications like cognitive behaviorial therapy (CBT). Please try to find a therapist trained in these techniques through http://www.abct.org. Good luck to you and many hugs - this is difficult but you can learn coping mechanisms that will make your life much happier.