My daughter's First Communion is roughly a month away. A few weeks ago, we were informed that the parish would not hold a cake and punch reception for her class afterwards because so many families are opting for luncheons at neighboring restaurants. I understand the decision but the timing sucked because I had saved the usual donation for the cake & punch reception ($5 per guest) and not enough to pay for a restaurant lunch for all of our guests. We live in a tiny apartment so having a reception at home is not viable. We used to do this sort of thing out of doors at a local park, but in recent years, so many older relatives complained about the heat or flying insects that I gave up. When I mentioned my dilemma, a friend graciously offered to host a buffet luncheon at her home in Georgetown, DC. She is even paying for the food to be catered (a really generous offer because the cake and many other items have to be gluten-free for my daughter). Her only request was that guests carpool because of the limited parking.
I spent this weekend arranging carpools for the 20 or so guests. Last night, I asked my mom to ride from the church to the reception (30 min tops) with my dad and siblings. My parents are divorced but do well enough spending time together with their grandkids. My mother said no. She insists that I drive her or she won't go. My daughter and I are already supposed to drive the hostess and her husband. There's no room in the car from one more person.
I really can't justify telling my friend that I can't drive her and her husband despite all that they are doing for us just to accommodate my mother, but my daughter will be so hurt if her grandmother doesn't attend.
What should I do? I have about 4 weeks to fix this.
Thanks everyone for the tip to drive my mom and have my daughter ride with my dad. I suspect that my mom's real issue is not that she doesn't want my dad to drive her (she does that pretty often), but that she wants to ride in my car with her granddaughter. However, I will present the option to her to ride with me and Chickpea ride with grandpa.
And, yes, my friend is awesome! We're really blessed to have her in our lives.
Leigh R.: Yes, my mom would love more control over this occasion. She bought a super frou-frou veil for my daughter without asking me or Chickpea. I hate the veil. I think Chickpea doesn't care much, except for having missed out on the opportunity to pick one out herself.
My mom has done this "It's my way or I won't come" thing before, which is why I am taking her threat seriously. She boycotted my older daughter's senior awards ceremony because we decided to go to lunch before the ceremony rather than dinner afterwards to allow out of town guests to hit the road home at a decent hour. I thought she was bluffing that time, but she stayed home. I lied and told my daughter that her grandmother wasn't feeling well, but I think she knew it wasn't true.
I'm not sure how much of this is age related. We are dealing with some crappy age-related personality changes in another elderly female relative so I hope this isn't genetic.
Edited to add:
I spoke with my brother this morning. Since he is flying in on Saturday and leaving on Monday, he volunteered to eat the extra cost of renting an 8 passenger van. I feel very bad about it, but he pointed out that this actually reduces the number of parking spaces we need from 6 to 5.
I deeply appreciate all of the support from you Mamas! I especially love all of the tips to give my mom something special to do with Chickpea on the big day. I think these will go a long way to reducing her stress over not being in control.
Edited to add #2:
My friend and her husband do not own a car because they live and work in DC. They do not know any other guest except me and my daughter. This is really a situation where the only polite thing to do is to drive them myself, not ask them to hop on the Metro or carpool with strangers. They are opening their home to over a dozen and a half people that they do not know out of love for me and my daughter. The least I can do is pick them up before Mass and drive them back to the party they are hosting for us.
My brother agrees that the issue is not our Dad. My parents spent almost 20 hours together the last time I was in the hospital. (They took care of my daughter together with no arguments.) A car ride from Silver Spring to Georgetown with 2 other adults in the car should be a breeze. My brother thinks that my mother is stressing because her own grandmother died when she was Chickpea's age and she has few clear memories of her. We're going to go with the van because we can also take the whole family to put flowers on our loved ones graves that Saturday.
ETA:
Why not let daughter ride with gram & Pap in that day?
What Rev. Ruby said.
That's thinking outside the box!
Have your daughter ride with her grandpa and have your mom ride with you.
I simply would not allow her to manipulate me like this...mother or not. If you have explained the situation to her and she still insists on being this unreasonable, I would let her be unreasonable by herself. If you give in about stuff like this every time, you can bet that your mother will become more unreasonable as she ages...you do NOT want to get to this pattern...
Sorry for your predicament. You are right, you can't refuse your friend a ride after all that they are doing for you.
Here's my suggestion. Have someone else, your dad or another family member, drive your daughter in their car, and give her seat to your mother. Do NOT tell mom ahead of time, if you think the reason she's insisting is manipulating you because she just wants to ride with her granddaughter. Just email her and say, "I'll be able to give you a ride to the reception." If she throws a fit on Communion Day, when she realizes that your daughter will be in a different vehicle, she'll just have to get over it because there will be no other option. If she insists on staying behind because she didn't get to ride in the car with her granddaughter, she's the one who will miss the party when everybody else is there, and she will look like an a$$. Not your problem!
Good luck.
Please update us. I think it makes very good sense sense to have your daughter ride with granddad and mom ride with you. But I also wonder if your mom is going to fight that too since you think the issue is really that she insists on being in the same car as granddaughter, period. Does your mom generally create drama like this? Because the "I won't go to a young child's big day if I don't get my way" business is frankly me-centered drama.
I would wonder if she's going to question other aspects of this celebration as the time gets closer. If she is being this inflexible with a simple ride to the venue, won't she also insist she sit next to your daughter at the meal etc.? Is that OK with you and doable or will that create stress for you at the event? Think through how you will handle that if it requires handling....
It's your child's big day and really a religious occasion, so it's sad that your mom has created a dilemma for you. You should be focused on your child and your wonderful friend's offer and not on fixing things for an adult who should know better.
You say in your SWH that you believe your mom issue is that she wants to ride with your daughter. if so she may still have a problem with what car she's in. If this were me, I wouldn't tell her ahead of time that your daughter is riding with your dad. Just tell her that you have arranged things so she can ride with you. Another option might be having one of your siblings ride with you and let both your parents and your daughter be in the same car.
Persimmon, it's a great idea to have your mom ride with you instead of your daughter. BUT, considering that your mom is being difficult, I would NOT tell her anything but "okay" when she says she has to ride with you or not go. Let her get in the car and have that be it. She'll find out that her granddaughter has gotten in another car. If you present this as an "option" and she says no, that this isn't good enough, then what are you going to do? You'll be back to square one...
The alternative is to ask one of your friends with a minivan if you all can ride with them, IF you think that your mother will cause a stink in front of the hostesses.
Has your mother always been this way? If aspects of her personality are changing somewhat, you might talk to the other members of the family and jointly try to get her to go to the doctor. Personality changes and "unreasonableness" sometimes are indications of small strokes or the beginnings of Alzheimers.
So sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like your mother likes to control things, since she has done this before with your older daughter. Same with the veil purchase - how much nicer it would have been for her to have a nice shopping afternoon with her granddaughter to select the veil together. It's a shame she actually misses out on special occasions, not to mention sending her grandchild a message that says "I don't love you enough to make this day about YOU and not about ME."
I think the suggestion of using the parish hall or a small room for just your guests would have been a good one, except that your generous friend has already stepped up to make her home available. I would stick with that since you've made the arrangements for carpooling and since you can't really un-do your friend's generosity.
So, I would not present Grandma with too many options and certainly not with too much opportunity for discussion. It just fuels her by endorsing her right to make demands. I would tell her that this is Chickpea's day and everyone else should be working to make it special. Then I would tell her she either rides with Grandpa, or with you, but either way it's not going to be with her granddaughter. Do not engage - tell her you have too much to do and she needs to pick. You MIGHT offer her the option of, when she arrives at the church, she can help Chickpea put on the veil and pose for a photograph (if that doesn't mess you up too much). (I know you don' t like the veil, but what the heck? It's your daughter's gift from Grandma, and your daughter doesn't care.)
If Mom balks at this, keep your distance. There's a certain amount of kowtowing we all do for family members, particularly parents as they age, but at some point it has to be Mom's decision to boycott events because she just wants to be in charge. It's sad but some families are like that. What's NOT good is showing our kids that we always bend to someone else's will - it doesn't teach them to stand up for themselves. When they go through the stages of wanting to be "in" with a certain crowd of kids, it helps if they've seen other family members experience rejection, or the threat of rejection, and to pin the responsibility on the perpetrator instead of being victims. You don't want them hating their Grandma, but you don't want them resenting her selfishness all the time either. Life's too short. If they can see these things not as rejection but as symptoms of the other person's selfish or unreasonable nature, or their feelings of inferiority (which is where control comes from), it's healthier.
When you get to the party, be sure to tell everyone there how wonderful your friend is, having made this day so special for your family and for Chickpea. Take a photo with your immediate family and your friend. Be lavish in your compliments for someone who stepped up! Be sure you also write a lovely thank you letter and have your daughter do so as well.
Good luck with this - whatever you decide, let everyone know the decision and then move on. Do not let your mother control the next few weeks with endless discussion.
So your daughter can ride with your dad, mom with you, problem solved. It isn't like the drive is anything important.
Would your daughter be willing to ride with her grandfather and your siblings? Special time with the aunts and uncles?
It's always hard when there are issues with our parents. This is the only realistic option that I can see which would be an easy fix. Sorry that you are in this situation-- perhaps if you explained to your daughter that 'grandma really feels like she needs to ride with me' and go with that, it will be the softest option.
You've got a very good friend who was so willing to host, I really agree with your position that you should ride together.
ORIGINAL: Is there anyone else your mom could car-pool with since she won't ride with your dad & siblings? I'm sorry but there is no way I would change your plans of driving the hostess & her husband. Your mom is being unreasonable.
ETA: I agree 100% with Tracy M. I would not allow her to manipulate the day with her demands. So many here are saying to let her ride with you and your daughter with someone else. I personally would not do that..it will become a constant thing if you allow her to control the terms. She needs reminded that this day is for her granddaughter..and if she chooses not to attend, that is her decision. I would gently remind her though that you and your daughter will be disappointed because you truly want her there.
ORIGINAL: I would sit her down and explain how hurt your daughter will be if she's not there, but you're car will be full. Surely another family member would have room for one more? And if she won't go unless she rides with you, I still wouldn't change your plans. She will be disappointing you and your daughter, I can't imagine that she would do that. But if she does, just know that you have done nothing wrong..she has.
love your friend!
your mom, not so much. sorry she's stressing you out so.
nothing to add to the good advice already given, but i hope the reception is delightful.
:) khairete
S.
I would ask whether the church will let you use the parlor or another room for a cake and punch reception just for your family. Just because they aren't holding one for everyone doesn't mean they don't have the space, and honestly, $5 per person is more than enough to cover that and if you do all the arranging and run it, I can't see why they wouldn't let you use the space.
Mom needs to suck it up and behave like an adult.
Well Mom can make the arrangements. She can have everyone at her place and she can host it. If that is not an option, she can foot the bill at the local restaurant like you originally planned.
I agree, it is so difficult to accommodate people.
Simply tell her the dilemma. Either she rides where there is room or she doesn't go. There isn't parking for another vehicle.
If she thinks of your daughter instead of herself she'll comply to your wishes.
It might help if you give her more than one choice though. I know you worked hard but surely there is one other person who is flexible enough to trade with mom.
Find her somebody else, even if it's a stranger to her. If that doesn't work, then she just won't show up. Don't try to force her to ride with the ex; that idea is not as reasonable as you think it is.
ETA: I'm glad that it's not about your parents' relationship. I agree that the absolute LEAST you can do is drive the host family YOURSELF.
May I suggest to you that you stop covering so much for your mother? I think that your children might not feel such a sharp sting if they are allowed not to expect the picture that YOU paint of their grandmother and she can be responsible for the relationships that she has with them. As time goes on, you feel more and more pressure to uphold appearances because you have not allowed her to lie in the bed that she's making. You're setting yourself up for perpetual stress and giving your mother no incentive to stop. In your efforts to keep your children from the truth of who their grandmother is, you have created and nurtured an environment where she is accustomed to realizing no natural consequences for her unreasonable behavior. Why should she stop? This is working just fine.
Really? Why is she putting you in the middle and risking hurting her Grandchild? At Easter? I'd beg her to stay home.
As a twice divorced person, I think it's inconsiderate on your part to ask mom and dad to share a ride. That would be wayyyyy uncomfortable for me.
Hi, Persimmon:
Your Mother doesn't want to ride with her ex-husband and her other children?
Your daughter and you are suppose to drive the hostess and her husband?
Could you have a meeting with the hostess, your mother, and yourself and ask for help in how to solve this issue?
Instead of you trying to make a decision to please one over the other,
if everyone comes together, then everyone feels they had a choice to accept.
Good luck.
D.
