What Now - Menifee,CA

Tough question.
My uncle was a violent alcoholic.
One time he dropped his kids off at the orphanage where he spent some time as a child - yeah, they were closed down and boarded up but he was drunk - and the police called my M. and the family pulled together to put the kids up for a few days till their M. could be found.
Another time he was driving down the sidewalks through the city and when the police caught up with him it took 6 of them to hold him down and he spent 3 days in a straight jacket in a padded cell while he went through the DTs - when he sobered up he didn't remember any of it.
He went on and off the wagon for years before drinking (and diabetes) finally paralyzed and killed him.
You need the Al-Anon meetings so you can separate yourself emotionally from your M..
In her more sober moments, plan her funeral.

As for your kids and what to tell them, I found this:

"The National Association for Children of Alcoholics suggests that children dealing with family addiction learn and use the following "7 Cs of Addiction:"

I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
I can Care for myself
By Communicating my feelings,
Making healthy Choices, and
By Celebrating myself."

I think that's something you can use for yourself as well as for your kids.

i J. found out my dad is drinking again this past weekend at my suprise party=( apparently he says 3 beers every friday is healthy and what he should be doing. spoken like an alcoholic right? he doesnt realize that in a few weeks of doing this, he seems to count down the hours until its friday (from conversations i had with other people who knew) and i'm sure it wont be long until he returns to the abusive alcoholic he always was minus the last 3 1/2 years..

sad. i wont have any issue cutting him out because he was never that involved. he went from being a controlling abusive alcoholic to J. controlling. as in i am 29 and if i love him have to check in a few times daily or i will get 10 messages of him freaking out stating im horrible and so on.

sorry for your loss=(

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I would find a local alanon meeting (if you haven't) and attend to help you deal with her (I know you also said you are in counseling.. so maybe that's covered). I would try to be honest with your kids about her. Tell them she is sick and the won't be seeing her for a while. I think the more honest the better - Grandma has a disease. She isn't able to have a drink without having too many, and that makes her body and mind very sick and she has to work on getting better. I would also tell her you aren't going to be brining the kids around her either - unless she gets some help. Tough love I guess. Best of luck...

My M. became an alcoholic when i was 12. She died when I was 16 - was drunk and walked out in front of a car. I'd give anything to have her in my life now, drunk or not.
I wouldn't let her around my kids when she was drunk. But I wouldn't shut her out completely either. During the day when she is sober, I would let my kids be around their Grandma.

You have my deepest and most sincere sympathy. I do think your M. is more like most alcoholics than you think. Many are educated, intelligent, high- functioning-and you left out one other common attribute-they are likely to be perfectionists; such that, when they are less than perfect (odd for humans, right?) it is devastating to them. One quick way to get some real help, when she is agreeable, is to tell her to try EMDR. Tell the children that Gran has a bad cold and has lost her voice and is not well enough to have visitors. Try not to judge-I know that's impossible-she just has to get it right one more time-God help you and , of course, your M..

hello Robyn,

You are not alone. My first husband was an alcoholic. My grandmother also. The pain and confusion hurt, dissapointment, pain, anger, craziness etc is what every poerson who loves an alcoholic goes through. She needs to hit rock bottom. Sweetie, you need to get into Al a non and FAST!!!!!! please dont you dare try to go this alone!!!!! She has to hit rock bottom and you have the power to make that happen because you hold all the cards. Her grandkids! its time for u to tell her, that u will not be in her life period if she does not go to treatment! and mean it!! she is very sick and time is running out! i know it didnt work first time but she must go asgain. telkl her sheill not see the kids again unless she goes to treatment! you must be strong! have u ever watched INTERVENTION ON THEa&e CHANNELL? IT WILL HELP U SEE you r not alone and that you do have some control in this nightmare shes created. do not Enable her, dont lie for her or help her. ZShe needsw to get into treatment soon, tomorrow! before time runs out for her. She will thank u later i promise. ala non is your life line right now girl! find a meeting in your city and youll be thanking me too. big hugs keep us posted. God bless Robyn. stay strong.

Robyn, do you go to Ala-non? If you don't, you should.

I have to tell you that I would not let her be around your family when she has been drinking. You should tell her point blank that if she wants to see your children, she must be sober. If she is going to get plastered, she needs to do it AFTER she sees the kids.

You will have to put your foot down to her visits when she's drinking. You could get the kind of locks that only open with an inside key, so the kids can't open the door for her. You tell the kids to go in the family room, open the door, close and lock it, and assess your mother. They have breathalizers that you can buy, and you can make her breathe into it. If it's positive, tell her that she has to come back another day when she hasn't been drinking.

I know that sounds "mean", but it IS prudent. She will NOT learn if you pussy foot around. You have to be this strict to get her into compliance.

I would NOT allow her to be around your kids when she is drinking. I just wouldn't.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

You are not being a baby! This your M., and you have had to watch her slowly destroy herself right in front of you. And the frusturating part is that YOU want her change, but SHE doesn't. She obviously doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing, which Im sure many people are going to tell you is part of the disease.
Have you throught of joining al-anon? It is for people who are affected by alcoholics in thier lives. That would be your best resource for support, and help as how to handle this.
You should cut her off. Another huge part of this disease is people sticking around time and time again for the alcoholic which makes you an enabler. You tell her, "Until you get help, and can stay sober you are not welcome around my family" I know that is harsh, and heartbreaking. But its what needs to be done! My step-dad was an alcoholic, he was also abusive. Even after I turned him into the police when I was 14 and we all left, he still continued to drink. It took him practically dying before he decided to get sober. But he already lost his whole family. My BIL's sister is a horrible drunk. I could write you a book on this woman, and no matter what anyone says or does she keeps drinkiing. But her elderly parents keep her bank account sstocked with money for her to live off of and refuse to cut her off, even though they moved 5 states away to be away from it!
She needs to hit her rock bottom. And you pulling yourself and kids out of her life, %100 will be a kick in the right direction. It is unfair to you, and especially those kids. I am really sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. Best of luck :)

Seriously, you need to get yourself into counsleing AND a designated support group. Not only are you first-born into the dysfunction, but you are also an only child, and that makes a big difference in how you are conditioned to handle it. It's such a part of who you are that you can't see where the line is between healthy and unhealthy.

I'm so sorry that you are forced to deal with this.

I would just tell the youngest ones that she's sick and is going to the hospital to get better.

I would, however, tell the eldest the truth. Alcoholism runs in families; your children need to know from a very young age that they are predisposed to alcoholism. And don't think they are too young. When I was 10 I was bringing kids to our house at lunch to drink alcohol. So your 8 year old should be told the truth.

As for what now? You can't force your M. into rehab and if she goes just because you thew a tantrum, she won't get out of it what she needs. She needs to go because SHE wants recovery.

btw, even if it's anonymously, you need to let the school district know that your M. is an alcoholic. Just think how you'll feel if one of those kids gets hurt because your M. was drunk and you didn't put the school on notice. This is about innocent children, not your mother. She can't be a very effective teacher is she's hung over or drunk so she is robbing those kids of a good education and role model and you are aiding and abetting her in doing so by remaining quiet.

Imagine your children in a classroom with a drunk/hung over teacher. If you don't want that for your kids, then you have a duty to do something.

Tell your kids that she is sick and that she has to work on getting well. Go to the counseling. Ya, it may suck to have to work it out, but in the end you will better know how to not tie in to her disease. My parents were both alcoholic for many years and I was determined I was not going to pass that on to my children. I want to be the best parent I can and if that takes counseling then so be it. Everyone has some form of suffering in their lives. It is how we handle it that proves what kind of person we are.

I have been in counseling because of my parents. Infuriates me too. But it really does help, and more importantly will help your kids if you find ways to cope. You may even want to bring this as the main issue to your therapist, and have her help you with your decision and language you use.

I will say this, part of my abused past is that that I was denied access to my grandparents and cousins... or it was very drama-filled. I resent the hell out of being denied contact with them. i urge you to find ways to keep them connected to their grandmother in safe and controlled situations. If she can be sober even for short periods and you can meet on neutral territory - like lunch at the mall versus risking her showing up unexpexted at your home - then I think that is good for your kids. If they can write her letters, that may help them feel connected.

I think they need to know an age appropriate truth and understand your anger which I am sure they sense. I think they have a right to be angry too. And they cannot under any circumstances be alone with her, probably ever again. But if she is loving to them in general, and they love her, I hope they can find a way to not be cutb off from her. Not for her... but for them.

I have also been on your side. I am completely estranged from my father because he is outright violent and abusive and would be a physical harm to anyone. My kids CAN'T know him. They are sad they don't have a grandfather, but it has to be. On the other side, I resent the hell out of my mother for the way I grew up, and I have a lot of problems communicating with her. But I let her see my kids, because she is good to them for the most part.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I am trying to say, if there is anyway for your kids to KNOW their grandmother, warts and all, I think that is better than completely being cut off from her. However, the first priority is they are physically safe and that she treats them kindly and well and is respectful of your wishes with regards to them. Best wishes.

Of course it's not stupid -- she's your M..

You can try to force her into rehab if you wish, but don't expect it to change her. SHE has to want to stop, and obviously she doesn't. I'm not saying don't go into counseling, but what is that going to change? You don't "need" to go into counseling, if you don't want to. The fact is, you have an addicted mother, and that is the reality, and it sucks, and you will have to endure the hurt of that. Counseling may help you, but it won't change her.

I suggest you look to your great support system of family and friends, and try to detach a little from your M.. Unless you want to try to force her into rehab, you could try to ignore the negative, and reinforce the positive. If she is drinking, avoid her. If she isn't, enjoy her company (if it's at all enjoyable).

Unfortunately, you can't change other people's addictions. Plenty of us haven't had great relationships with our mothers, for many reasons other than addiction, and we've survived. Just surround yourself with healthy people.

As far as the kids go, you know your kids, but kids can usually understand the truth, after about age 8. Sometimes it's a good cautionary lesson for them, and will be useful when they become teens.

Good luck with it.

Not stupid at all for you to be so affected by this. I suspect the best you can do is talk to her honestly, when she is sober, about how this is affecting you. Hopefully at some point she will have a moment of clarity and choose to seek help at AA. (I assume she's been there before in her times of sobriety?) Would you happen to know any people in the program (AA) who would be willing to talk to her?

Others have given you good advice about the kids.

I'm sorry for your pain.