Right now I am feeling very dissatisfied with my situation, mostly because I feel that I have the power to change it but I'm not sure how and I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. Here is my dilemma: My husband and I bought a house before our son was born (he is almost 2) because we thought it was really important to have a house for our son to grow up in. We live in Orange County, and everything is very expensive. Our house basically owns us. We both work full time, and I have an extra part time job I do at night from home, and I'm exhausted. I worked full time after my son was born, then I dropped to part time for a while working 3 days per week, but I didn't like the job and my hours were cut a lot, plus I didn't see my son at all on the 3 days (he left at 6 am and I didn't see him until the next morning). We were struggling financially and my husband wanted me to go back to work full time, so I did, but now we are both seeing that it's not ideal either because we both drive a lot, my husband picks up my son and takes care of him every night until I get home, he has to pitch in more around the house because I'm working 2 jobs, and we have no time for each other. If we move somewhere inexpensive (like another state), I could probably stay home, but we would be leaving our family and especially my parents (my son is very close to them - they are partially raising him now, of course it's ironic that in a way, this is sacrificing my own time with my son so that my parents can have time with him); if we move out of our house so I can be home more, rent will just go up every year and we'll still be struggling financially on one and a half incomes; if we stay in our situation, my goal is to find a part time job by the time we are ready to have another child so that I can be home a couple of days a week, but then I feel I am sacrificing my long term career goals since part time jobs are not usually in the same category as full time jobs. So I'm finding that I choose one thing, and everything else must fall by the wayside. I know that's how it works, just wondering if anyone has any advice. Thank you!
We work to live, not live to work. I would move into a more peaceful situation if I were you. You could still travel to see family and they could also come to you.
There are many former Californians living here in Oregon. I'm one of them. Housing is cheaper and wages are lower too. And there are fewer jobs and more unemployment. People struggle to make their house payments here, like anywhere else. Still, people move here from So Cal, Portland and Seattle because of the lower cost of living and sometimes their parents and other family members follow behind.
Our goal is to never spend more than 1 person can make comfortably, not let other people raise our children by us being absent for whatever reasons, and enjoy every second of our life.
That being said....we sold our home in October and moved into a rental. We are saving $1400/month on that decision alone. I work and my husband stays home. We have not had a car payment in almost 9 years. I homeschool the kids and work as much as we need to to make our bills, have vacations and put money aside. We have 4 kids. My office is 2 miles from my house, but we found my office and then found our home(s), since we refused to commute and take even more time away from our kids, not to mention wear and tear on our vehicles and gas.
Can you watch a few other kids and get paid? A small day care? You could write off part of the house you use on taxes and be able to stay home....and even have another baby. There are plenty of people in this area looking for "nannies".
The kids are only little for a little while....make sure you know what your priorities are....which it sounds like you are figuring out. Good luck!
Sounds like you summed up a typical family in America. I am not saying everyone is in the same situation however, many are.
I would do a pro and con and see financially what is best for your family. Most families with young children stuggle in the beginning. Take pride in what you have and know that this is "now" not "forever".
Try to evaluate and set goals. Do a budget sheet see what your monthly bills (everything including gas, food, etc.) are and if you will take a loss in your home, maybe it is best to stick it out for the time. Both you and your husband should sit down with out argument and discuss what is best.
Good luck, take care.
ETA...What is most important is that we are all together, fed and happy.
Keep in mind that one size will never fit all, and what works beautifully for one person will make another miserable.
It was very important to us that I be home full time with our kids, so we've always chosen to live where it's inexpensive, even when that meant being hours from family and everything familiar.
We spent years in small towns, and my friends from school just despaired. They constantly said things to me like, "But you could do anything!" and "Think of the impact you could make with a career!" I heard a great deal from them about why they thought I was raising my kids in the wrong places - "There's no real cultural opportunities," and, "Your kids will never get to know people from diverse backgrounds. It will really handicap them in later life." For a while, I tried to counter their arguments, pointing out that I was truly aware that I could be doing something different, but I'd CONSCIOUSLY CHOSEN not to. I'd tell them about all the intelligent, interesting people we knew and they'd say, "But those people are the exceptions," or, "But think how many you'd meet on a daily basis in (large cities.)" It was too aggravating, so I stopped trying to justify myself, because I don't have to.
Even years later, I get comments like, "You're going to drive that?" and "You could afford a house in a better neighborhood, couldn't you?" They dislike my clothes, my furniture, the hotels we stay at on vacation. I can live with that.
Our house is almost paid for. Our cars are paid for. My kids get vacations every year, as well as summer camp, art classes, dance classes, Little League, karate, you name it. The older 2 went to their first choice college, got degrees and work in their chosen fields. (The younger 2 are still teens.) We have great memories of family trips, picnics, birthday celebrations and the like. When we visit relatives, it's a big, special treat, and the relatives don't have to do anything but spoil the kids (and we get to occasionally spoil the relatives or their kids.)
I am now working for myself, part time at my ideal job. The pay is small, the recognition is small, but I enjoy it, and I don't have to stress over whether I can make the mortgage payments.
Only YOU will know what's right for you. It may look exactly like you always dreamed, or it may look very foreign and unfamiliar, but when it works for YOU, you'll have few regrets.
Is there anyway to get rid of the house? Short Sale? Could you find a smaller house/townhouse/apartment? Your two year old doesn't care where you live. He just wants to see his mom!
If you think you can find a rental for less than your mortgage taxes etc, it's really nice. Especially if you can reduce your commutes. Time with family is crucial -- you never get this time back! We love renting, especially now that we have a family. Recently the water heater died. We simply called the landlord, went out of town for the weekend as scheduled and by the time we got home, we had a new one. It's nice to have less to worry about. The main drawback is if you're constantly feeling like decorating/changing a place it makes no sense to dump money into a rental - assuming the landlord allows the changes in the first place. Otherwise, if you can find a good, solid landlord and place to be for the long term, it works out well.
Selling in this market might be tough, but doable.
Have you talked to your folks? If you guys are super close with them, maybe you could all buy a place together -- an in-law setup or duplex or something? Or maybe they'd relocate with you? You know how dedicated some grandparents can be ;) Anyway, just a thought. They may be willing to do more than you realize to keep the family together.
Hi KA,
I live in Mission Viejo so we're practically neighbors and I've lived here all my life, except for a few years when my husband and I lived on the central coast. Yeah, it's damn expensive here and I can certainly understand that you're at a crossroads.
I've owned a house in OC for 11 years now and after the housing crash, my views of home ownership have certainly changed. I no longer think it's the be all end all, that's for sure. Right now you're in the state of being "house poor." You're working for your home. Who the hell wants to do that? Are you able to refinance to a lower interest rate? I know that right now that is actually very difficult to do it you bought w/in the last 8 years or so. If you aren't able to do that to get some financial relief, I would let the house go. Whether it be a traditional sale OR short sale.
You'll be saving on property taxes, home owners insurances, home owners association dues (if you have any, I do) and most likely rent will be cheaper than your mortgage, as well. Sure, rent can go up. But I also know that a lot of landlords want to keep long-term tenants in place and if you're a good tenant, they'll think twice about raising the rent.
Recently, there was a nationwide article about the best markets in the U.S. to own a home vs. renting. Guess which list that OC made? In fact, 5 out of the top ten markets where it makes more sense to rent vs. own are in CA!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jed-kolko/renting-vs-buying...
Just remember, a house is just a house. It's a business agreement. If it's no longer making sense to own, end the agreement. No shame in that. Best of luck to you!!
I have seen the struggles first hand. I grew up in California and so did my husband. Its absolutely beautiful out there, mild weather all year 'round. You can go to the beach whenever you want, see the mountains.... but it all comes with a catch. (Don't most things?) The cost of living is pretty darn expensive! Most of the middle class is struggling there, I don't care what anyone says. My parents bought a house in 1988 that was built back in the early 50's for 150,000. Today they would be LUCKY to get 200,000 for it. They have refinanced multiple times over the years so needless to say, they are stuck right now. They can't go anywhere. OKAY-- I digress. How about my SIL that purchased her first home for 410,000 in 2004. Today that house is on the market for 160,000. Now that is an extreme case because they bought right when the market inflated into ridiculous numbers but you get the picture. Even with what homes are worth out there NOW, which is practically rock bottom, my husband and I would not be able to afford one. I didn't know when we would ever be able to live the American dream, we got married in 2005, moved in together, we both worked, then I quit my job when our daughter came along in 2007. Then, hubby lost his job in 2009. We were left with no choice but to search high and low for employment, he found something in TX, so long story short here we are. We have purchased a home and have been living in it for a year. We can afford for me to stay home...and as luck would have it...another baby came along ;-). Now we have our little "cozy" life here with a better house than I ever thought I would have. The downside is that we had to leave all of our family and friends. We are working on them though, anyone in our family who has been out our way thinks its great here, lol. I am trying to tell you to expand your horizons. Nobody lies on their deathbed and says "Gee, I wish I worked more hours, or sat in more traffic, or spent less time with my children." Honey-- its like this, you have to make a tough decision. You are right there with family, but when do you get to spend QUALITY time with them? How about QUALITY time with your child? Its the harsh reality, something has got to give. This can cause a major strain on your important relationships to stay in your current situation. Feel free to PM me, I think I have rambled enough! I wish you well though and hope things can work out better for you and yours.
to answer your 1st question...the title: most important thing is to be a family, a family in the manner which provides you the most comfort of soul.
For my family, that means being together....it means that we do not buy new cars, we do not take expensive vacations, we do not buy the latest technology - all working toward a goal of my working at home (inhome daycare) so that I am available for our sons. My younger son is almost 16, & the need for this is long past. I am currently working toward improving my marketable skills to make the leap into the office world. :)
Branching out, being close to our extended family is also an integral part of our life. 20+ years ago, we moved out of the city where we grew up & into a small town. (we followed my DH's job.) We now live 2 hours away from everyone....but "family" is a two-way street, & we all share the commute. We are together at least once each month...at minimum. Some months, we're apart just one wkend out of four!
As for your house, it's Hell to be "house poor". :) Soooo many today are in that precarious situation. My sis bought a condo after her divorce. Her condo is now financed for $40,000 more than what the new ones in the complex are selling for. She can't sell, because the appraisal would not cover what she owes. The best she can do is rent it out....but the rent would be more than what a new one could be bought for. & at the time of her divorce, this truly was the best deal out there.
For your situation, one of the other posters recommended having an inhome daycare. Yes, your long-term career goals will be impacted....but it also sounds as if your time with your child is important. This is a judgment call only you can make. & as mentioned, having a daycare will help with tax expenses.
One more thought: if you move out of Orange County, not only will your cost of living go down.....but so will your income. When we moved from the city to our small town, my DH continued with his St Louis wages. We knew this would not last....but we managed to pull 10 years out of it. When the company shutdown, my DH took a paycut of $9/hour.......just so we could stay in our home & not move back to the city. At that point, I'd been working part-time, randomly....& I went back to work full-time at a daycare. 2 years of that Hell....& I opened my own daycare.
There are options, but rarely do they cover all aspects of life. For my family, it was important to be together in our small town. Good Luck!
When my husband and I bought our house, we based everything on the low end of his income and bought the nicest small house we could find in the nicest town with the best schools. Good community and schools were #1 on our list of what we wanted for our family. I know we'll be able to do more with the house when I return to work.
To get what you want, I think you may have to move out of state. If you moved, would your parents move with you?
Right now the most important thing for my family is that we get my son in a place where he can be successful in school so I can go back to work full time (at all really). My son does have ADHD, coupled with some learning delays that are being tackled and addressed, I have been home with him aside from 13mo-30mo old and while I enjoyed working and enjoy working in general I understand that it is important that I get my son in a good place. So, I think a family's needs change as time moves on - my fiance would like to own a home, but I think that is still a few years off if at all. I like the freedom that comes with renting personally, but I also never grew up in one home so I do not understand the signifigance of that theory personally. I think you need to find out what is going to benefit your immediate family (You, your huband and children) the most and make that happen.
My ex and I moved from OC to Arizona for the same reason...to buy a nice house for the kids to be raised in. Well, housing was much less, but so was income! I'm now remarried and my husband and I rent. We would like to own a home, but thanks to our crappy divorces our credit sucks so we are working on it. However, to answer your question, the most important thing to me is simply that we are all together. Even if we have crazy work schedules, we are all together, live in a nice area, don't really *need* anything and live comfortably. So maybe you can find a smaller home that doesn't cost as much that isn't as close to the beach (assuming you really are in SJC)? So you are still within a reasonable driving distance to family but can still manage financially. I know its a hard situation and I hope you find something that helps you. Good luck!
I do agree that keeping the house, doesn't sound good for your family. Stop paying on it, and after a few months, tell the bank you want out.
Downsize, and START saving money.....it's so important for your future. Having a house that is sucking you dry, is not healthy. Family is to important.
I used to believe that owning a house is the ultimate goal, but now, I feel differently. I currently own a house in Castaic CA. I love living here, but regret buying a house that we now have outgrown. (weren't to many options in our price range when we purchased) I feel like we are stuck here because it is currently worth about $30,000 less then what we owe on it.
It is NOT a financial burden to us, so letting it go doesn't seem worth it right now, BUT.... I would let it go if I couldn't afford it any longer. (credit is ruined for a few years)
Find a rental BEFORE you tell the bank your no longer going to pay the mortgage.
Good luck to you and your family!
Dear K.A., I really feel for you! I never wanted a career - I wanted to be a SAHM who did volunteer work when the kids were in school!
Unfortunately, the reality is that most of us need a minimum of 2 incomes just to "tread water" ... anything less than that puts us into huge debt. Similar story - hubby & I bought our first home because mortgage repayments (at the time) came to less than what we were paying in rent! When my first child was born I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him with anyone else so (as soon as I cashed in my last maternity cheque) I started a Day Care at my house. For me it was win-win, I was home with my child and was earning money at the same time. I only took in kids around the same age as my own, so that only lasted until my son started "proper" Pre-school. From then on I've always managed to find work - either full-time or part-time (or both) depending on how much money hubby was bringing home!
My son is now 19 years old and is working. My husband lost his job 2 years ago and has started his own business, my 16 year old daughter is still in school and I'm working full-time ... but we still own our house and it's worth WAY more now than when we bought it 20 years ago!! Somehow we've always managed on our own (neither my parents nor my hubby's parents live in the same State as us). Personally, I would never go back to renting. At least I own the roof over my head!
The best advice I can give you is for you to find a few minutes where you can sit quietly on your own. Take a few slow, deep breaths and picture your "ideal" life. Then "trust your gut"!! Nobody can tell you what is right for you and your family .... you must trust that (deep down inside) you know what you need to do! Just do it :)
I started working part-time after my son was born. I didn't enjoy my job much and there was no growth whatsoever working part-time and so it made M. very guilty for not being home with my son instead. I was not ready to go back to work full-time( which was better for M. career-wise) because that would mean even less time with my son. Finally, when he was 20 months I resigned. I am now at home with him for past 3 months or so and I love every bit of it. We can afford losing my income , so it's not a problem for us. Right now what's important for M. is all of us to be together and my son to grow up healthy and fine in my care. I do plan to go back to work, but for now I am a SAHM and loving it! Yes of course we live far away from family. Ever since my son was born , I have realized that having family live close by makes a lot of difference especially for the kid. His grandparents love him even though so far away and one day we might move closer to where they are , but for now we are happy in the little nest we have built for ourselves in this not-so-new-now place.But I agree with you , if you have parents who adore your son and whom your son adores, it would be a major factor in deciding whether to move or not. And at 2 your son will miss them. Can you move someplace closer (drivable distance) so that you can atleast work 1 full time job , and get more time with your son and also the gradparents can visit every few weeks or couple months or so. I have put my career on the back burner for now , it's a choice I made. What you mentioned is true, sometimes it seems impossible to have everything in life , we need to chose what works best for us.
What was the plan before kids? I mean how was the house to be affordable when you bought it.
I think this could be helpful to consider, otherwise I don't think I have enough info.
I read Suze Orman's, The Money Class and it covers all of your options and especially with the current financial environment in consideration. It was a great investment.
