I know I cannot be alone here. Who else has a child that is dead set on being something that is impossible for them to be? Please entertain me with your stories!
I have an adorable 5 year old with a big imagination. She has always been a tomboy and I have always just encouraged her to be who she wants to be. She wants to wear clothes and shoes from the boys section and she wants to play with boys rather than girls. She has no interest in dolls, princesses or anything stereotypical "girlie"; she likes to play superheroes, to fix and build things, to "train" (exercising/faux fighting...you know, in case a Sumo Wrestler shows up at our house and she needs to fight him to protect us, lol). So the thing she has been OBSESSED with for the last few months is "being the Dad of the Family." She wants to be just like Dad and do all the things he does. It is cute but it has also become difficult because she does not understand why she cannot have a job out of the house, fix cars, get gifts of Father's Day, etc. She was sobbing all night the other night because she does not want her "job" as a child to be to learn and play and help out around the house. She was beyond devastated when I explained that she is not and never will be a boy, even though it is just fine for her to like whatever she likes.
So, share your stories! Does your kid want to be a butterfly? Convinced he is Darth Vader? And any suggestions? My older 2 children never went through this, when do you think she will grow out if it?
**Oh, I don't mean she can;t have a job when she grows up! She just wants one NOW. As in, right this second she wants to be a web programmer like Dad and nothing else will do ;) She is just having a hard time waiting. I am totally a-ok with her aspiring to be a mechanic or sumo wrestler or whatever she likes. I got her a mechanic set today and I have been looking for a kid's carpentry class or something similar we can attend together. But her biggest thing is she is upset that she *PHYSICALLY cannot be a boy. she does not want to "pretend" to be a dad, she wants to be an actual boy and an actual dad of the family.
Thanks, all! Yes, I guess the biggest issue is I keep trying to find "age appropriate" substitutes but she is not finding them satisfying in the least. She very much wants to put in a business suit and go to work asap. Her dreams are bigger than can be satisfied at this time (she is interested in tools, so i give her a piece of wood to practice hammering, she is frustrated that she can't build a car out of it. I set up a computer at home so she can type like Dad, but it is not the same as going to work. The place he works is great, so I can't blame her !) I did sign us up for a class at Home Depot next week. I think she is just bored- she has expressed how unchallenging preschool is, she is very eager to start kindergarten. Dad has also been working lots of overtime and is gone a lot the last few months so I think that might be part of this whole phase, she is missing Dad.
My 3 yr old says he wants to be "popcorn" when he grows up ;-)
And my 6 yr old wants to have 100 wives and 100 babies. I think that is his Middle Eastern heritage coming through :-)
Jeremy Wade.
p.s. I think the reason she is saying DD can't fix cars or get a job outside the home is because, well, she's only 5 years old! Sounds like DD wants to slap on a suit and tie and head out to the office tomorrow. Her daddy must be a very special daddy to have warranted so much admiration from his little girl.
My daughter wanted to be a Care Bear when she grew up, and outgrew it around 6, my little guy, almost 4, is convinced he's Jake from Jake and the Never Land Pirates ;) I think it's cute, I made him a Jake costume for Halloween he's going to wear at his Jake party next month, I call him my little pirate, we talk like pirates...I'll miss it when he outgrows it :(
When I was 3 and 4 years old, I wanted to be a fire engine. Not a firefighter, the actual truck!
I did eventually outgrow that one (clearly) but not without several episodes of being completely offended by adults who didn't seem to understand what I was telling them, or worse yet LAUGHED at my dream!
My son wants to be a prince, a dad, Michael in Mary Poppins on Broadway, an inventor and a professional diver. Whatever, he's 7. I don't feel the need to point out the unreasonableness of his very busy future schedule... we can cross that bridge when we come to it :)
To your second question about whether your daughter will outgrow this... hmmm... sounds like this may be just a childhood fantasy phase... or... she could be struggling with some gender identity issues. She'll either outgrow it, or she won't. Either way, keep loving and encouraging her to be who she is. I'd drop the frustrating exercise of trying to explain to her what she can't be and just let her pretend. As for working outside the house... she can't... but let her know that's the LAW, children under 14 can't hold jobs... but she can set up an office in your house and get some work done on weekends if she wants!
T.
We went to Disney when my youngest was 7. He kept saying he couldn't wait because at Disney "all your dreams come true". He said it so much I began to worry maybe it was something impossible like undoing his oldest brother's severe traumatic brain injury or my chronic pain.
I tried to get him to share what his dream was and tried to soften the Disney promise, but he was sure if he told us what his dream was it wouldn't happen. Once we got to Disney he kept saying "it's going to happen, all my dreams will come true!". On our last day he got a little teary about it not happening yet and finally told us that his dream was that we would all turn into cartoon figures while we were at Disney!! When we started giggling and he realized it wasn't going to happen he got really mad at Disney World for making a promise they couldn't keep - thankfully he recovered quickly, but he still holds a bit of a grudge against Disney World.
At the moment my daughter wants to be a seahorse. A pink one, no other color will do. She's 6. :)
It's probably just a 5 yo phase and a love-of-daddy phase. This seems particularly likely since she really wants to go out and work at a job NOW. Very cute.
I can't think of anything my daughter wants to be but can't. There are things she wants to have (like a _real_ magic wand). Wouldn't we all?
That said, you might want to monitor the situation for potential gender identity issues. Your daughter may really feel that she is a boy/male in a girl/female body (particularly since your daughter was so upset when told she would never be a boy). This reminded me of a truly lovely French/Belgian film (Ma Vie en Rose) that you might want to check out if you think this might be the case. In that situation, it was a boy convinced he should be a girl and how his family dealt with it.
Hi Galwaygirl-
When my oldest was this age, he explained that he was going to be an NFL football player...and then a rock star, as NFL players could not play forever.
LOL
This was a 'dream' he had for quite some time...and then there was some 'reality' checking! I never 'squashed' his dreams...However, it was clear in football, he had more team spirit than skill (and was rewarded for that). It was also clear that he could not 'carry a tune in a bucket'! lol
BUT I can say, he is almost 24...serving as an army officer in afghanistan...and has a wonderfully gregarious and generous and outgoing spirit!
He does (or did before this tour) tend bar...and 'do' karaoke' .
We missed his wonderful spirit at christmas...but will welcome him home in June (I hope) as THOUGH HE WERE an NFL player...or a ROCK STAR!
He "ROCKS" as far as we are concerned...
Best Luck!
Michele/cat
I am not pc about this at all. At such a young age its bennificial to teach them to love themselves. That she is a girl and how wonderful it is to be a girl. Being a girl does not mean princess and pink (i am def not a pink or princess type) But being a girl does mean so many wonderful things. Teach your children to love and embrace them for who and what they are. It broke my heart seeing a little girl who hated herself because she was "dark". The majority of the race around her was the same. She was an adorable (very pretty ) little girl and had it in her 7 yr old mind that her skin was ugly. Ppl lay in tanning beds to be darker, her skin was so chocolately beautiful, healthy, even toned.(nienie dialogs about the couple burned in the plane crash has some beautiful insite about loving yourself for who you are) Lifee isnt always about physicall beauty either its the heart and goodness in your soul that REALLY matters. If when she is say 17 or 18 and still feels the need to be a boy then ok but I think give her the chance to accept and love herself and not be bothered she isnt a boy. She can do anything a boy can (well almost) but I feel its truly healthy to accept yourself for who you are and not place so much value on what your not or what you wish you were. Remember the girls who had straight hair wanted curly and the curly hair wanted straight.How we thought if i were a little more ____________ i would be the best. Knock it off your great the way He created you. There are lots of scripture about self esteem, loving yourself. You set the tone on how to teach your children to be bold and loving ppl. Accepting your inner awesome ness is tops! . My son wants to be Sharkboy!!! (shark boy and lava girl the movie)
Well my daughter, 5, wants to grow up to be a clown. Her name will be "Mr. Farty Pants." She will "wear a clown costume and eat beans all day and tell people to eat beans because they are so good for you." Then when she is done her educational act, she will very proudly "turn around and fart in all their faces."
She can let them rip with the best of men, but it is not something I am at all proud of. She is the sweetest and cutest (I might add) little darling girl, who really wants to grow up and do this. So embarrassing! She can't grow up and do that!!!
My daughter just wants to fly. She asks Santa for this every year.
Maybe show her some very successful and strong women.
Women that are in charge of things like I dunno Queen Elizabeth comes to mind first cause she was a working princess when she was a young woman she drove and worked ( repaired them) on ambulances in WWII.
I wanted to be a boy at that age too cause girls were girly and I was not. But my dad and grandmother let me know that I could still be a girl and not be girly and I could do things that boys do. I was fortunate enough to have a VERY strong woman for a grandmother. Sounds like she struggling with the tomboy/girly issue. I was the same way.
My dad took me out and taught me how to use a pistol, taught me to weld, I've been covered in grease and dirt from head to toe. As a child. Give her , her own jobs in the house or in the yard maybe that will help .
FYI: Lowe's has a building class for kids/parents. Check it out!! My kids loved it! My oldest who is 12 years old wants to be a HOARDER when she grows up! She loves telling people I know that, they just look at her like WHAT?? I told her I will not be visiting her home she has to come to mine LOL! No pun intended mama's!
I think that if she is upset that she physically cannot be a boy that this might be her first attempt to explain that she is having gender identity issues. I am only saying this because of they way you phrased your update. I have friends whose 3 year old son insisted and knew that he was a girl. She is now their daughter. Some children do know this at a young age. I am not saying this is your child's situation. I guess I am just thinking that you might need to listen very carefully and quietly so that you might be able to discern what is going on. She sounds like a wonderful, spirited kid.
My son wanted to be a superhero. He asked his grandmother for a cape for his fourth birthday. When he got it, we put it on him and explained very carefully that just because he has a cape does NOT mean he can fly. He gave us a 'well duh' look and went outside to play. The next minute, I was running outside to catch him as he is jumping off the shed roof. He thought was, how do you KNOW you can't fly unless you try.
Still don't know who was right.
Edit: Home Depot has a kids project every month the first Saturday of the month if she want to do carpentry. They provide everything including aprons and safety goggles.
One of my favorite stories of my daughter is on this very subject! She and her little friend were in the back seat one day and my daughter (probably about 4.5) and her friend (prob about 5) talking. My daughter turned to her friend and said, Isabelle, what do you want to be when you grow up? Isabelle said, I would like to be a vet.
My daughter smiled this very pitying smile at her and said oh that's nice. I'm going to be a rainbow fairy when I grow up.
It was too cute and so sweet and innocent!
My son, who is 3.5, wants to be Superman when he grows up. We've talked about he can have some qualities like Superman, etc. but he has to be his own self...yeah, that conversation usually doesn't end well! :)
I've got some impossible dreams- I want to be a natural redhead, and I'd like to be 2-5" taller. Neither are going to happen. DS might have some strange aspirations, but so far, he hasn't shared.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
Superheroes and such are pretty normal aspirations for young children :-)
When he was in preschool, my son wanted to be a crash test dummy when he grew up.
>.<
(There was even a Halloween costume for it, although I didn't come across it until *afterwards* and it was prohibitively expensive anyway, lol)
Well, around 5 or so is certainly the age for it!
At that point my son wanted to be a combination fireman/policeman/archeologist/engineer (who builds aircraft carriers).
My son now (he's 14) wants to be an electrical engineer and he's got the grades where it's very possible he might achieve it.
Um, she CAN get a job outside the house, fix cars, and if she ever ends up being a single parent she might get Father's Day cards by default as well as Mother's Day cards.
Why would you tell her she can't?
She may never grow out of it.
Love her as she is and encourage her within reason.
At 5 she should be able to dream as big as she wants to without being shot down.
I don't have one, really. My boys want to be a mechanic and an electrical engineer.
I do have a suggestion for your sweet girl: 4-H has programs for the younger set, and when she's a little older, she will be able to do the other 4-H programs (woodworking, electonics, computers, robotics). Sounds like 4-H is right up her alley.
My son wanted to be an astronaut, which is REALLY hard to do, and I'm not even sure what the space program will be like in 20 years. But I'm not going to discourage him from that dream because he may find his true calling as he investigates that path. If he wanted to be a mom, I would tell him that's not possible, but he can be the best dad possible.
Do you mean she wants to fix actual cars NOW? Or work outside the home NOW? LOL! My first thought was that you were telling her she couldn't BECOME a mechanic, etc., but then I realized she wants to do it NOW, at 5, and that isn't quite possible. WHOLE different reaction when I read it that way.
She can learn the tools, and help with non-dangerous things, but somehow she needs to learn about age-appropriate things to do. Maybe you can find books on child entrepreneurs and see if there is something she can create business-wise that will help her meet her big dreams.
Here are some links for you -
Women owned auto shop: http://greatbearautoshop.com/
Women mechanic - http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-500617_###-###-####.html
Why wouldn't she work outside the home and fix her own car? You aren't seriously telling her those things, are you? She needs to know that moms and women who aren't moms do those things. Sounds like she needs exposure to a wider variety of women's roles.
My daughter is 5 and often says she wishes she could be a mermaid. She wants a magical necklace that will turn her into a mermaid at will, and then back into a human when she wants to be. She also wants me to get a mermaid tail that she can wear over her legs and that will allow her to swim like a mermaid in the water. I just tell her, "That would be really cool, wouldn't it?" I figure eventually she will figure it out that it's just not possible - if I try to tell her otherwise, she just gets all upset and wants to argue with me. So I figure it's just not worth it.
My 4 year old is going to be an astronaut or he wants to fly military planes. Big dreams but most certainly not impossible ones!! :0) I love that he is already asking questions about the universe and is super interested in the planets. Just trying to feed that hunger for knowledge!
While your daughter won't ever be the Dad, she can most certainly have a job outside the home and fix cars. Perhaps that is WHY she wants to be the Dad? Because she thinks she "can't" do certain things as a female??
EDIT:
Saw your SWH, and LOL, I totally understand!! Sorry for misinterpreting your post! I thought that part seemed a bit out of place with the rest of your message :0)
Some of these are really cute ! My now 8 year old told my mom a couple of years ago he wanted to be a scientist. She said That would be good. Then he told her he wanted to make mom & dad disappear ! Yes - he was upset with us over something. My mom just cracked up !
My oldest he wanted to grown up and marry Arial. I told him sorry sweetie she's already married.
I don't understand why you tell her she can't work outside or work on cars. I did lots of outside chores and I also sometimes had to help my dad with fixing something on the car. There is nothing wrong with her doing stuff like that.
nothing unrealistic so far. one wants to be a writer. she has an amazing sense of humor and the way she talks is very mature/funny with a very developed vocabulary (she is 8). plus she writes the way she talks which makes it unique. this one is the one who has no hearing in one ear. her imagination has no boundaries, and has a positive outlook on life, and things in general.
the other one wants to be a doctor. i personally think she should be a judge or a lawyer, because there isn't an argument she can't win, and is wise beyond words. she questions everything until she is satisfied. i think she can do it.
I second Thea's response.
Your daughter may not be able to pee standing up but she can certainly work outside the home, work on cars, ride dirt bikes and many other male dominated activities of ancient history. Maybe you are writing about now vs. the future.
From the ages 10 -15 my daughter wanted to be a dolphin trainer. Completely my fault for arranging the swim will dolphin excursions and summer camp at Sea World. At 15 when she was figuring out college, she became a little more realistic.
