What Do You Think? - Dallas,TX

I would say, I'm sorry, I'm on a tight budget and that's out of my price range. Would you like Clorox Green, or some vinegar instead?'.

Just tell her straight. You're not her personal bank.

I'll gladly help out a friend in need if I can, but I won't buy them things I can't afford to buy for my own family.
Several years ago, a friend and his wife were going through a rough time and they asked me to take them to the grocery store and buy them a few staples to get them through until payday.
At the time, my family was eating generic/store band in pretty much everything because that was what I could afford. I wasn't buying us any kind of snack food because I couldn't justify the expense. This couple only wanted "their" brand of everything and the wife claimed that she "needed" Kool-Aid and a ten-pound bag of sugar for her hypoglycemia. I told them they would have to settle for eating the way my family ate until they got paid, or find someone else to buy their groceries.

Let's say she does have a special need for this type of cleaner vs another "green" one, with all the money you're saving her by buying all this stuff for her, she should be able to buy this cleaner herself. I think it depends on how well you know her too. If this is a close friend, I think I'd say "I never go to WF" or "I can't get to WF for awhile. Cant you use another cleaner?" and then see if she explains that this one is absolutely, medically necessary. If you don't know her all that well, she should be askign someone she does know well to go this out of their way. I'd start to worry she's going to try to take advantage. I hope she was super super appreciative for all that you already bought her.

I have issues with people having financial trouble and caviar taste. Vinegar and water, my friend. You don't need expensive cleaners, you just need vinegar and water.

If you want something more, you get what you can get cheaply with coupons.

My hubby makes good money, but I'm more thrifty than every single person I know who gets help from the state. I make my own baby food, they buy that expensive stuff in bags. Maybe I too would be lazy if it was someone else's money, but it's doubtful. It's an attitude and respect thing.

I would buy her a bottle of vinegar and the ingredients to make her own natural cleaners.

I would buy her a bottle of vinegar and some baking soda and extole the virtues of both as all natural healthy cleaning products. I am all for my tax dollars supporting welfare recipients, but when I see welfare recipients using that money on luxury items that I do without I feel weird about it. I think it's the same thing.

You have been very generous and your heart is in the right place.

She has you pegged and she's testing you to see if you'll do what she wants, when she wants it and with her specified list.

As someone else said... Beggars can't be choosers. I sure hope she was appreciative for what you've done and make sure she knows your bank is closed.

I'm all for helping people but if someone specifies a brand, etc for something when they are seemingly not capable of fending for themselves, I'm done and I consider that person a user.

Just a comment about the Clorox Green Works line ... it ain't green ... and it ain't good for ya!

http://www.ewg.org/guides/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&q=gre...

ETA: Oh and to answer your question, for me personally, a couple bucks isn't going to make or break me. But that's me. You're wasting your money if you buy her things she isn't going to use.

Wow you may have discovered why she is in financial trouble.

I know why you feel weird, she is asking you to donate to her something you wouldn't buy for yourself.

So far as the ignoring it, I like the vinegar suggestion. :)

I guess I kind of see all this as she should be asking for the minimum needed not going on as life as usual with you flipping the bill.

If I were health conscious the first thing that would go would be store bought products and I would be using vinegar, ya know?
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After reading Katrina's response for the sake of laughs say there is a special reason then fine but the way this is working out it doesn't seem special. What I mean is if you had an I need this or I die item, and it was running out you would have mentioned it to make sure it was in your budget. Nope she took the food and everything and then as an afterthought, oh, can you pick me up some money in a bottle? An afterthought is never important so although I get where Katrina is coming from I don't think it applies here.

If this is something you are planning on doing going forward I suggest you get her a gift card and let her decide if her pricey detergent is worth cutting into her food budget.

I think you feel weird, because it feels personal shopperish. Only, she isn't paying you!! You are doing this out of the goodness of your heart, and I would get whatever is easy and affordable to you.

If I were ever in a tight spot, I could not imagine making such requests. I would happily take anything someone was generous enough to give. I think it's a bit rude of her, actually...but I don't know all the details of her predicament. I guess it drives me crazy when people have financial problems, but still want expensive stuff. Especially, when they can't buy it themselves!!!!

Honestly, if your aim is to help her, why buy something she will waste and/or not use? She feels comfortable asking for something specific, so....I'd get it for her.

ETA: maybe I'm misunderstanding--is this $5 a hardship for you? If so--just tell her!

What you are doing is a very nice gesture. I have done this on a few occasions and sometimes we just have to do what we can and let it go. One onc occasion, I gave a number of bags of groceries to my SIL only to have her complain to my MIL that i didn't include butter & syrup for the pancake mix! Some people don't realize what it is like to do without and cannot take help graciously, but that doesn't mean we have to stop trying.

I wouldn't worry about giving her the exact items, this isn't a bridal registry :)

I'm in the beggars can't be choosers camp. You are already being super generous and kind. I would also suggest that if she is in financial trouble, she needs to start exploring cost effective alternatives to what she used to buy.

I am fussy about what shampoos, cleaners, etc., that I use, but I have often thought that if we needed to tighten our belts, I would need to find other things to use. So think of it that way- you aren't doing any favors by keeping her from exploring cheaper ways to clean.

As for what to say, I just like the "I'm not heading to WF for a while, and that's more than my budget allows for cleaners. Can I show you a natural cleaning alternative (vinegar, etc.) or do you just want to wait and get your cleaner when you can?".

Because I was helping to be kind, I'd get her the preferred brand. I figure if a person who is in need is making such a specific request, it must mean a lot. If she was asking for a special brand of wine, I might look at her funny, but with cleansers, some people (or their kids) are very, very sensitive to chemicals. Even 7th Gen has oils added. Sometimes, natural oils are even too much for people.

BTW: did she ask for this product after your first go-round with helping? Then, yes, a gift card to Whole Foods, once, might be a nice way to deal with it. And then, just don't mention it, or offering to pick up groceries for her, again unless you see a need. And then, only do it on your terms.

Because charity aka "offers to help" is providing basic needs. Charity shouldn't be about supporting someone's personal choices or habits.

Don't forget - just as she has a choice as to what brands she wants, you also have a choice as to how you want to spend your money on her.

Seriously, this is a no brainer if I were you.

I'm really uncomfortable with the phrase "Beggars can't be choosers" in this situation. I would hate to reduce a friend to the status of "beggar".

I would buy the expensive bottle of cleaner, but mabey because I do buy those sorts of cleaners and I understand how important it must be to her. I don't use clorox green works or seventh generation in my home because of the toxic chemicals and mabey your friend is the same way. If you don't want to buy the cleaner, then don't, but you have the opportunity to have a generous heart for only a few dollars extra.

I love Katrina's post, but even more, I love way her heart comes across in her post. I want to be like that!

Edit* I do feel that I need to add that I think you are already being very generous with your friend. She is blessed to have a friend willing to read labels on the food bought for her- that's no small feat! You are not under any obligation to buy the cleaner for her, but I wouln't fault her for mentioning it. That's what I *tried* to say originally. :) You are a good friend.

That does come across as really "personal shopper-ish". Because not only is she requesting a particular brand, which happens to be more pricey than all the others and more than what you may spend on cleaner, but also if it is sold only at Whole Foods then she is in effect asking you to drive out of your way to a store you may not even use. I think it is super nice that you offered to help, but you already bought a load of groceries. Do you need to go further? If you feel like you want to help her with it, I would suggest handing her 5-10 bucks or you can pick up a gift card for your local grocery store and let her decide how she wants to spend your gift.

Beggars cant be choosers. No way would I buy something for someone I wouldnt even buy for myself. She is really taking advantage of you. Ask yourself, if you were the one in a pinch would she be shopping for you?

I would ignore.. or suggest lemons and baking soda work rather well.... Whether financial problems or not, the are cheaper ways of doing things..
If that were me , personally I would NEVER even consider sending someone to Whole Foods for myself.... if she is running low, then suggest she water the cleaner down a bit... My main concern is this.. IF someone is having financial problems such as she is and she is still wanting the more expensive things, then that is a red flag. it's a red flag that to me means, hey even in dire straits, I have NOT changed my way of thinking... and while she may not be the one spending the money, she seems to have no problem allowing someone else to do it for her.
Don't get me wrong, I DO believe in charity.... but it also means that the other person look at how they got into financial ruin... granted, some may not all be her fault.. but again, if she still has her mind on the expensive stuff in the stores, then she hasn't changed and you can buy her all the stuff .... in other words, give a person a fish, they eat for a day... teach em to fish, they eat for a life time.. something is quite amiss here...

i think that we all agree, she is being a bit picky and ungrateful. maybe she doesn't mean to be but that is how it's coming across. i would not get it. i would say, "oh i wasn't able to get over there, but here is what i was able to get." don't even try to substitute. just give the items you already got. we are living paycheck to paycheck and as nice as those expensive cleaners would be (or heck, EVERYTHING organic), we just can't afford to go "green", on most things. if she is that hard up it's time she prioritize. and as someone said, with all the money you are saving her, she can spend $5 and get it herself if she really feels that strongly about it. regardless, she should be grateful and leave it at that. and honestly it would make me rethink helping her. but i am cynical like that. i would prefer my money/time go to a reputable charity.

If I am understanding your post then I think you feel weird because you offered, bought things and she is hinting that she needs something again.
Is that it? That would make me feel weird. It was nice of you to help out, but you are not obligated to continue. She is obligated to take care of herself, and when things are tight we sometimes have to give up our favorite things.

You might check the cleaner though. I sell and use an all-purpose cleaner that costs me about $10 a bottle. The bottle, however, is a concentrate and lasts about a year. So really it's cheap!

You are in a tough spot. You have to decide how far your charity goes. Are you willing to help with one shopping trip or are you taking requests for items for a period of time, or until she is back on her feet. Seems she is "mentioning" it because she wants you to buy it for her. If you purchase what she wants, then you are setting yourself up for additional requests in the future.

I wouldn't buy her an alternate item. Since she made a point of saying she needs something very specific she will be expecting that and probably throw anything else away.

You didn't really touch on it, but I'd have a bigger issue with the fact that she is now making specific requests for expensive, luxury items. She seems to think you will be picking it up for her. Be careful - you may give an inch, and she may be expecting to take a mile, if you are not careful and set boundries.

If i was in a financial bind and someone offered to help me out.... i wouldnt question anything that person paid for out of their own pocket! i would be thankful and feel blessed. next time maybe you should just get her a gift card to walmart or super target and let her buy her own stuff! just a thought.
kudos to you for reaching out and helping a friend!

I think it is great that you are helping her, but you aren't her personal shopper. Do what you can, because she does need to rely on herself, in the long run after all, for her needs (especially 'special' requests when you are doing her a favor!). I hope she is grateful and doesn't take advantage of your time and generosity.

Yes its okay to feel weird about it. Not that your case is this extreme, but one time when giving a small amount of cash to a friend for groceries, we found out she used it to get a barium enema. No kidding. Later concluded that she had borderline personality disorder. Her parents divorce triggered it and she was on the front end of a downward spiral. We struggled with how to help her. Often times, not always, but often times a person who gets themselves into dire financial situations did so with poor choices. They are no less in need or deserving of your help, but you need to set limits if things like this happen often. If this is the only incident, assume its just one of those must haves and go with it for now. If you see a trend, you will need to address it.

Ditto pretty much everything Jo W said.

As for the angle that we don't know if there is a medical reason for her being so particular (and it is possible--a lot of folks start out reading labels because a child has some sort or allergy or sensitivity), well, we don't know. But I don't know a soul who has an allergy or sensitivity to vinegar. In fact, it is dual use. She can clean/disinfect her house with it, AND do her laundry with it.

I would either completely ignore the comment, and not give her any cleaners (substitutes like GreenWorks), or I would mention to her that you have found that it is very cost effective to use vinegar to clean with, and that you can do laundry with it also, to save even more. And no worries about allergens. If she seems interested in trying it, print her out a homemade soap recipe (for the laundry) and buy her the ingredients, including a large bottle of vinegar.

I would ignore her comments. Sounds like she is taking advantage of your kindness and that is why you are feeling weird about it. Let it go.

Lol, just look at her list and tell her what you are willing to buy from it. I love that you checked the ingredients, and I think that it would be simply perfect for you to purchase those ingredients and take them to her. Just sit with her and tell her your story: "I know that you like to stay as natural as possible, so I was thinking that while you are not in the position to get everything you want, you might enjoy doing what I do. I read the ingredients on that particular cleaner and just bought them instead. Now, you have even more than what's in the bottle, and you don't have to concern yourself with going out to get it or asking someone else to get it."

I would so--lovingly, of course--laugh in her face. Girl, please.

My MIL is CRAZY about the types of things she buys (and I am someone who is much more cautious than the mainstream). It drives me insane when she requests certain things while she is my houseguest, but she would rather starve than eat some of the things I have on hand (like she will only eat ORGANIC everything--lentils, poultry, meat, eggs, dairy, all produce.) I do it for her for now, because she is just a temporary guest, and it will just be a few of those crazy purchases.

I did draw the line, though, when she decided that since I have a cold, she needed to sanitize her hands several times a day by pouring Hennessey on them. Um, yeah, that's simply wasteful.

So, I guess I am saying that since your friend's situation is (hopefully) temporary, and you aren't obliged to to this frequently, I'd bite the bullet and just get what she wants.

I wouldn't ignore what she said. How nice of you!!

It sounds like she may not be hurting as much as she says she is. Someone truly in need would (I hope) thankful for whatever you brought her even if it wasn't her preferred brand. She sounds ungrateful... you need to stop helping her.

Can't you make really inexpensive 'green' cleaners with baking soda and vinegar or something. I don't, but I've seen it on other sites! It might be a good tip to pass along to her since she's needing to cut back!

You're uncomfortable because you know she is asking you to purchase something that you don't even purchase for your own family.

I would tell her that, while you are happy to help, you really cannot afford expensive cleaners. Offer to purchase whatever you would buy for yourself or even just split whatever cleaner you already have with her.

Beggars can't be choosey! (Not saying she's begging, but you know what I mean.)