What Do You Do When Your Toddler Has a Temper Tantrum?

I just walk away when my kids act like this. When I say no, it means no. Why? Because I am the parent! My daughter IS spoiled because my dad buys her everything, but she is starting to realize that she won't get everything from us.

First thought... your child is not a toddler. She is a preschooler/almost school-aged child. Expectations for her should be raised to the "I'm going to school in September" level, not "I just learned to walk-and-talk".

You probably are spoilling her if she throws a tantrum to this extent when she hears the word "no". My guess is that she is either accustomed to having something purchased for her everywhere you go or she is unaccustomed to hearing "no" with real meaning.

When you say "no", mean it. Don't cave in to avoid a meltdown. If she meltsdown, either walk away from her and let her have her tantrum without an audience or scoop her up and leave the situation. Either way, don't tolerate the behavior, be consistent and it will end.

Walk away. She is trying to get a reaction out of you. When I did that with our son, it drove him nuts! Wasn't getting the reaction he wanted and he didn't get what he wanted either!

In a situation like this, you get down to her level, in a very low and stearn voice, keeping locked eye contact, you tell her "You already have enough books at home. This behavior is unacceptable. This is your warning. If you continue to act this way, we will be leaving immediately and there will be consequenses for this continued behavior." Then, if she does continue, you follow through with what you just told her. In our household, if we have to pull the girls out of a public area for their behavior, as soon as we get to the vehicle, they get a spanking (we don't beat them, just let them know we aren't putting up with it). It's been a looong while since we've had to do anything other than give a warning.

In this particular situation that you were in, with the book sale, I would not have wasted words. I would pick up daughter, screaming and kicking or not, and leave immediately. It's bad enough when my kids melt down in the privacy of our own home--I have less than zero tolerance for public displays of tantruming!! I can't tell you, based on this one example, if you are spoiling her or not. Sounds like normal kid behavior to me...maybe you could replay the situation with her later, and give her some alternatives to expressing her dissatisfaction in this inappropriate way.. I feel your pain, we go through this stuff, too.

I would say something like "I know you really wanted it, but you can't have it. I'm sorry it makes you sad." If she needs a hug to calm her down, I'd give her one. Often that's all my kids need and they are back to normal. If she won't stop, I'd let her know that we're going back to the car until she is back in control of her emotions (or at home, she can go to her quiet place - aka room or wherever - until she calms down). I wouldn't express anger at her or anything, just be understanding and look at it from her point-of-view while still preventing her from behaving like that in public.

I do this with my kids, and their fits are often short lived these days. My oldest did when she was little, and I was more punishment-type of parenting then, and it only made it worse with her. She had a couple horrid ones in public and me being super strict and dominating did nothing to resolve the issue. It wasn't until I approached it differnetly that I noticed much shorter tantrums with a better resolve.

I try to view it if I was upset about something, how would I want to be treated? Does it help to be yelled at or treated strictly or like how i'm feelng is bad or wrong? Or does it help to have someone hug you and say they understand, etc? Which calms you down faster? For me it's to have someone show they care. And, contrary to what it might seem, they do not behave this way more often in order to get those hugs (be sure to give hugs regularly through out their day, of course!). They behave this way less often.

Big important part - It doesn't mean you allow the behavior - you remove her from the situation until she's calmed down. She's not allowed to behave that way in public or around others. But you allow her to feel the feelings without dealing with you being angry at her at the same time - and it REALLY does help them get over it faster. I know it seems insane. When I first learned about it, I was like "why should I hug my kid if he's yelling at me for telling him he can't have something?!" but it works. I am compassionate to his feelings and tell him i understand it makes him sad, etc. I give hugs if they need it. It has amazed me at how differently they react. A tantrum that could go on for 20-30 minutes usually lasts five minutes now. I am also disciplining in that if he doesn't stop, he'd need to go sit in the car until he's ready - and not in a punishing type of way. Just in a type of way of when you lose control, you need to remove yourself from the situation until you calm down. It's a good thing to learn through out life, eh? Even as adults that is what we should do.

I feel like I post this book in every comment I make to people, but look up Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. She has several books along these lines, and I love her approach. It really helps.

Okay, 5 is not a toddler mama. :)
With your example...your daughter starts throwing a fit. You pick her up, take her to the car and leave. You tell her in a low voice, "you may not have a book. Your behavior is NOT appropriate. We must leave"
I hope that you didn't buy her the book when she started to throw her fit. You can't give in to her behavior or else she learns that the louder she screams the more likely you are to give in.
Good luck. Be consistent!
L.

It helps me to think of these in a broader sense. Your daughter needs help with the skill of handling disappointment. That's easier for me to understand.

You can think about it from your point of view. Say, you really wanted a dress. Your husband looks at you and says sternly "NO!" turns away and walks out. vs. Your husband says, "Wow! is that a great dress. I wish our budget could swing it, but we both know that's way beyond our budget. We can look in the thrift shop and see if there's something similar."

Another thing to do is to really listen to *why* she wants it. Finding the real reason often gives me insights into a good alternative (and it's quicker than dealing with a tantrum). Or think of something creative. Maybe it can be hers while you are at preschool, or she can give up a book or two that she already has for this one.

Being sympathetic while saying no is still saying no. Giving condolences does not take away from you keeping your limit. However to your DD it still reminds her that you are here to help, though it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

I

I walk away. While my kids are still in view, it gets the point across that I will not tolerate it. Mine are 7 (8 next month) and 2 (3 in July).

Also... Remember, they aren't listening very well when in said fit. Reasoning will work AFTER the child has calmed down!

She's not a toddler. Hasn't been for awhile. She is almost in kindergarten.
You need to do your best to foresee the kinds of things that are likely to end in a tantrum and head them off in advance. That doesn't mean that you avoid the things that can lead to one, but you mitigate them in advance.
Did you know there was a book sale going on at her school? If so, you should have told her IN ADVANCE that you would not be buying any books because she has enough at home already. That way she doesn't have the expectation of leaving with a book.
If you let her have that expectation without setting the groundwork that she might NOT be getting a book, then you probably SHOULD buy her a book, simply because you let her believe that she would be getting one. I have been through this a million times. Get used to the book sales, Mom. They have them twice a year for a week at a time. And my kids ALWAYS want books. I have to tell them IN ADVANCE how much $ I will or won't spend or that they will be limited to "x" number of books, or whatever. Especially when they are younger, they are led to believe that if there is a book sale at school, that they should end up going home with a book.
I'm not saying give in to "tantrums"---but try to look ahead so that you can give your daughter clear expectations. That goes a LONG WAY toward not dealing with tantrums in the first place.

I don't mean to be harsh when I say this - but you need to stop thinking of her as a toddler. Toddlers are two years old, and it sounds like that is how she is acting. If you can adjust your mindset to her real age and what should be expected of a five year old (and clearly a tantrum is not allowed at five years old) you'll be able to properly discipline her.

I used to tell my kids I would find a corner in a round room if I had to, no meant NO. If they screamed and yelled about it they went home or I found a spot where they could sit a few minutes. When they settled down, we were good to go on.
I have an Autistic granddaughter and this even works for her. Do you want to go with me? Then what do you have to do? (behave) And if you don't listen what happens? ( I have to go home) Usually all I have to say is 'do you want to go home? (no) Then behave. End of issue.

If it is a real temper tantrum, she will not be open for teaching, as other moms have pointed out. I still get tantrums in my 5 year old as well, but they have gotten rare and he can be left alone more with them. I do not agree with those posters who imply that your daughter is able to control herself and needs to punished if she will not. This assumes that she is maniputating and in a power struggle. In fact, what a ridiculous power struggle it would be -- a child against an adult? I am very sure that i have "the power" when interacting with my children (a "no" for a good reason will stay a "no"), but that does not keep me from being respectful of their struggle with my decision, and compassionate. I also make sure i challenge them to learn to handle their dissappointment/anger/frustration more and more by themselves, and more and more with calm. It is hard to know how much to expect from my children here, since everything is always growing and changing... I cannot be perfect, but that's ok. I believe that they need me to be "powerful" and relieable, but they also need to see me being respectful and gentle. Harsh treatment results in more resistance and longer, more forceful tantrums. The storm will be over much more quickly if you refuse to join in.
It's hard to deal with, especially in public! Check AskDrSears.com on the topic, too.

Good luck,
D.

There are some great tips for helping parents deal with temper tantrums at http://www.toddlerbedandmore.com under toddler tips for parents. Good luck!