What Do You Do When... EDITED with MORE INFO

This sounds bit like a situation in my family and in hindsight, my parents building the house they did was a mistake and it eats my mother up. Try not to let this do that to you. I know easier said than done of course but what's done is done and you made a fairly rationale decision at the time. I assume the construction costs are over what you estimated and that's why this doesn't seem so attractive anymore. So a couple of things - if your parents were selling to you at below market, are you sure you could get a comparable house for less money? If you can, is that bc you're comparing today's prices to 2 years ago and 2 years ago you would have bought and "overpaid" too bc the market has crashed?... Otherwise, your parents contributed by selling to you at a discount but no other cash outlay? If that's the case, they're sitting on the money you "gave" them and their apt is being built by you so the only cost they'll have going forward is rent to you, correct? If so, can they "lend" some of that to you to build the garage? If this is all in the family anyway and the property will come to you in an inheritance, maybe the use of their cash to build your husband's shop/garage isn't a big deal?

Oh boy....this is about money being spent or loaned or invested by your parents, right?

Ugh....hard spot to be in, for sure.

You cannot screw over your parents especially because he agreed to this in the beginning.

I'm sure we're not getting the whole picture (lots more to it, I'm sure) so very hard to say...bu I know from what you've posted that you & your parents have a very close, good relationship and I'm sure you don't want that jeopardized in any way....

Maybe a good, old-fashioned sit down with a list of "pros" and "cons"?

I'm filing in some blanks here, so forgive me if I assume incorrectly.

My thoughts are this.....if changing your decision affected only you, then fine. But when it affects other people, especially "royally screwing them", then that is not OK in my book. You guys made a decision and now you have to face the consequences of that decision. It sounds like this is your line of thinking too, but not DH's.

I don't know how to advise you to resolve it per say, but I would advise that you guys sit down and talk without letting it get "heated". Tell DH that you want to discuss the issue calmly and rationally. Then tell him exactly WHY you feel the way you do and how you cannot do this to your parents. Suggest other ways that you two could make the situation work.

It took my husband and I quite a while after we got married to learn how to communicate effectively with each other during tense disagreements.

Good Luck!

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You made an agreement, the only option now that contractors and other people are dependent on your decision is that you really have to honor it. If you need to find a job to supplement it then just go to work, it is a big responsibility to own a home, especially one that in a few years will be much more valuable.

The only options I see:

You have to go to work if you don't already have an income so you can have the extra money build hubby the shop he wants and the other things you'd like.

Talk to your parents and tell them that you want to have more money left over at the end of paying the bills so you can build hubby a shop and some other things.

Or just move out and let them figure out things on their own.

You are kind of in a situation where you gave your word and now you have to honor it. Don't get down on yourselves, everyone has done this at one time or another. You agreed and now that the expense has been incurred you have to follow through with the agreement.

The trick here is to find creative ways to pay down the debt, or work with house and property you have now in order to meet your husband's need. If you spend the time arguing over if you should or shouldn't stay (which I think ethically you must), or whether this was a good or bad decision (which really doesn't matter at this point because what's done is done) then you won't be spending the time problem solving what needs to be adressed.

You can both feel regret, sure, but you need to get past that to the teamwork portion of this lesson which is how to work together to make lemonade out of lemons.

It may take some prompting from you after some creative thought on your part about how to pay down some debt, bring in some income (rent out a floor or room in the house itself for example), or make due and give your husband what you can (a workshop in the garage like someone else suggested). That's what you are going to have to do to get him off the merry-go-round you are on right now. You will have to step off, first, then help him down.

Unless the property you are buying from your parents is way way way more than you would have/could have gotten otherwise, then I don't see how the finances of this situation would be any different than the finances of another situation.

If it reaches a point where your husband just cannot stand it anymore, then, since it is technically your property now and your parents are renting from you, then you could do nearly whatever you wanted.

You could ask your dad to remove his stuff from **your** garage so your husband can have his workshop, now. Or, if push really comes to shove, you could rent out the large house in addition to the apartment your parents are renting from you and use that money to get another place.

Am I completely misunderstanding the situation?

Can you turn all or part of the garage into a shop until you can afford to build one?

All I can see/say is: to your husband: "wah wah wah, stop your complaining/whining about your workshed having to wait and grow up." Selling a nice home with a perfect attached rental income just because he cannot get HIS workshed right now is selfish and would totally screw over his family (you and children) as well as your very accommodating parents.

Save the next 2 tax returns into building the workshed and have him deal with continuing to go to work like most normal people every day.

His argument isn't enough of a reason to even CONSIDER selling your parent's home that can comfortably house ALL of you. He needs to grow up, realize his adult responsibilities and deal with the card he's drawn. ANy updating can wait too....

Well without knowing why he wants to back out of it....
Who says that decision has to be for the rest of your lives?
After we bought our first house I realized I couldn't see myself living here for the rest of my life. So We came to a decision that we *have* to live here right now but our goal is to pay off early and use it as a rental then as a starter home for our daughter.
I am not unhappy about the house, I like it a lot, but I want to move back out to the country (thats where my heart is). So that was our compromise.
Is that type of compromise possible for the two of you in this situation?
If it's more of an issue with your parents vs. the actual house then thats another problem.

I'm editing my answer now that you've added "so what happened" details. Your husband basically has Buyer's Remorse. He regrets the choice of renting-to-buying your parents' property and then agreeing to having them build an addition onto the property. You are all in debt and you're all incurring more debt than initially anticipated. Your husband feels overwhelmed and it's not quite what he thinks he bargained for except... it is what he bargained for. He just has to be patient. He'll get what he wants out of the deal if he's patient.

But you all have to be frugal and thrifty and really smart with the money that's coming in and how you use it, as well as how you handle the building process and then setting up a new garage down the line for your husband (once finances are back in order).

You really need to sit down with a financial planner/counselor ASAP. You should also encourage your parents to sit down with a financial planner/counselor ASAP. You all need to create strict budgets and stick to them.

Surely your husband knew that something like this wasn't going to happen overnight or even in just a few months. This is something that takes a few years to establish from start to finish. The anxiety he feels is normal, and feeling overwhelmed is normal. What's not normal is wanting to just drop everything because he's panicking. If he follows through it can still work out. You may just need to tweak things here and there.

From what I understand, the payoff+construction is costing more than you expected, and it is beyond your planned budget. Can you discuss this with your parents, and see if it is possible for them to contribute a bit more in 'rent' towards the mortgage? So, as an example with made-up numbers, if you thought the payment on the house+construction was going to be $1500/month, and now it is going to be $2000/month, can you split it the difference with them and ask them to pay $250 more per month (since you will also be paying $250/month more than you expected)?

Can your parents be brought into the discussion? Are they losing some escrow money you could repay them for? That might mean living in less than perfect accommodations for a while.
The marriage relationship has to come before others.

If you are building a home with the help of your parents then no way can you back out now. That just would not be an option in my opinion. If his issue is with money, I would try to find another way to make more money to take off some of the stress (I have info on this if you want, just message me). This seems to be a BIG issue so its not as easy as one of you just giving in. More details definately would help. I think just keep talking about it and see if there is something else you guys can do to help compromise. Good luck!

This violates one of my "sacred rules"... don't mix family with money. Ask yourself what you would do right now if this were an arragement with a complete stranger. If you would approach it differently, then talk with your parents about it. They may be able to help out more financially or "loan" you the remodel money privately.

Yes, you should have looked into this more but you already know that. There's not much you can do now, but find ways to cut back and reprioritize the things you wanted to do. It's going to have to wait now.