What Do You Do When Another Parent Says Hateful Things About Your Child?

I wouldn't take much stock in this hearsay. The mother may not have said that at all. I can't tell you how many times I have caught my six year saying something to someone else that "my mother said" where she took it out of context or I was completely talking about something else entirely. I also have a bad habit of telling her I am broke when she wants me to buy her something and I hear her repeat that to others-when the truth is I have the money, I just don't want to buy whatever she is bugging me for.

Unless you actually heard these comments yourself it's nothing but what one kid told another kid, hardly reliable information, at all.
So be an adult, call the mom and invite her son over for a play date. That's the only way you'll ever get to the bottom, or truth, of the situation.
Making assumptions on childish heresay, especially based on her supposed wealth and status as a stay at home mom, is ridiculous on your part. Get to know a person before you judge them.

You're getting her words through two nine year old boys? You say nothing because you have no idea what was actually said and how it was said. You give her the benefit of the doubt and strengthen your son, because this isn't the last time he'll overhear or believe someone said something negative about him. You teach him how to work through that hurtful experience.

Eta - I'm shocked at how many people here have this woman "figured out" based on this post. You're the one involved and you don't even know what was actually said. Mamazita is very right. And you're worried about neighbors being prejudiced and yet you believed before even moving in that they'd be "suspicious" if outsiders - a very prejudicial stance on your part. To me, if sounds like you are the one who is suspicious and ready to believe the worst of people. Someone said she's the mom who never believes her son does anything wrong, but that's how you come across in this post to me. Maybe the boy changed his mind about having a playdate and the easy way out is to blame the mom. Maybe your son has bugged the boy and he needs a break. My 9 year old boy is high energy and even his best and most loyal friends sometimes need a break from that. You say you want the best for your child - so does the other mom and every other parent. It doesn't mean she did what you believe.

I wouldn't worry about it. There is no way of knowing for sure who said what. Maybe your son's "friend" told his mom that your son had problems. It might not have come from a parent at all.

And people judge others all the time. It's not fair, but that's life. You're judging another based upon hearsay and preconceived notions. So, pot meet kettle.

Well, I figured out the hard way what NOT to do. Do not confront the parent. She will make you look like a crazy lady and tell everyone about it. Then the kids will hear about it. Just find other kids to play with and tell the kids to be school friends.

wow, i thought this was going to be a post about a child being ridiculed, called horrible names, publicly humiliated.
i can totally understand a degree of upset, and your need to help your child process this. i'd feel the same way.
but you are way, way blowing this out of proportion, and consequently making it a really huge deal for your poor son.
this is an opportunity to work with your child on riding the wave of public opinion without drowning. my response to my kid would be 'really? sounds to me as if she doesn't understand you at all, honey! huh. well, i'm sorry you won't get to play with darrell today, but you'll see him in school tomorrow. hey! that gives us a chance to bake cookies and go for a bike ride!'
i would NOT engage in a retaliation conversation with a 9 year old by telling him that the mother has problems. that's just demonstrating for him that spitefulness is an acceptable solution to a challenge.
khairete
S.

Well getting insulting by saying she obviously lacks class isn't going to solve anything. Be the person you want your son to be, the person you think she should see.

Sorry but your son is different and you do him no favors to go, meds, check, all is good. It isn't. I am not that mom either by the way, I have ADHD, my kids have ADHD, we are different. It really is a good thing to accept.

Call her up, nice and friendly, have a friend help you remove that chip on your shoulder if necessary. Say, have you met my son? We have had some struggles....I think we have this figured out. Would you like to come over for coffee and let the kids hang out?

She doesn't know what your son has, she only knows that her son probably came home and said this kid keeps melting down in school. Then as everything got regulated her son realized hey, he is pretty cool and decided to be friends. Mom just isn't on the same page and really you can't expect a child will know to say, oh mom! he got his stuff together, he is really cool. They just don't realize what the problem is and say okay mom......and moving on.

The fact is it is scary to others when a child has a disorder. Is he going to lose it, can I keep him safe, can I keep my child safe. These are valid questions, answer them before you judge her ignorance.

By the way my younger son has PDD, he is who people see when they think disorder. It is unfair to kids like your son but I assure you education, not anger, is the way to go.

So your son said his friend said his mom said...he had problems?
I'm sorry but this is just crazy. You're getting third party information and two of the parties are children! You haven't even spoken to this woman yet you are assuming she did indeed make this statement.
Chances are the boy doesn't want your son to come over and he's making the whole thing up. I can't tell you how many times I've seen kids do this, no I can't come over because my mom doesn't want me to...I'm not allowed, etc.
Stop letting your own insecurities (?) and judgemental attitudes towards others get in the way of rational thinking. You don't know if this woman TOLD HER SON anything. If you want to know what people think of you then reach out and get to know them. Otherwise this is nothing more than childish playground gossip.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It must be so upsetting for you, but I'm glad you are able to calm down and explore some of the possible explanations for that boy's comment.

If it makes you feel any better, my best friends growing up (twins) were always passing onto me the judgmental comments their mother said about me -- that my mom was weird (she was schizophrenic), that I was too much of a tomboy and would never find a man to marry me, and that my house was a pigsty (true). It was very hurtful to me, but it did not C. my friendships with them. They are still very good friends of mine 35+ years later!

Kudos to you for piecing your life together after divorce. I am currently divorcing my controlling and abusive alcoholic husband. I'm glad to hear how well you are doing, and I am looking forward to brighter days too!

Do not confront her! You will prove her right and she will now say you both are problematic.

Instead work on your son as you already are. His winning personality will shine and all the kids will want him to be their pal.

Bless you. I feel your pain.

Honestly, I would not worry about this. That mom may or may not have said that. If she did...well...I would ignore her. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your son, and you son is doing great overall. Invite over a different friend for a playdate. If this woman is such a bore that she would actually say such a thing because your son is not wealthy and has a divorced mom, well you don't really want to hang out with that family anyway. If you do spend time with her, just be polite and give her a good impression. I am someone who gives other people the benefit of the doubt, and I bet there are plenty of other families in your area that are perfectly nice and accepting. Focus on those people. Good luck!

ADDED: I'm just amazed that some people are posting that this woman is an "idiot," that you should childishly tell her she has something in her teeth or whatever (immature beyond belief), or worst of all, you should tell your son "SHE has problems" and so on. They're simply taking every single word of a fourth grader at face value. P., I hope you don't listen to those kinds of posts and choose instead to think before you make assumptions or lash out as they advise. Listen to posters like Terri S. and Suz T.

Original post: First, congratulations on the hard work you and your son have put in to help him improve at school and move forward. I think all of us here can acknowledge that.

And now, please try to step back from your own strong, defensive emotions and acknowledge for yourself that you are feeling sensitive and defending your son against what you see as an insult, when you have no objective knowledge that any insult took place. You wrote your post when you were upset and venting hard, which is understandable.

But can you be a little more objective now and see that outsiders like us here would say that maybe you are taking the word of a fourth grader too seriously? I am not saying your son is lying. I am saying he's still young and still not experienced in questioning what others say or navigating social situations. So when he says the other boy told him "I can't come over because you have problems" or whatever -- the boy might have misheard something at home; the boy might not want to play with your son and made that excuse up because it prevents him from having to say "I just don't want to play with you"; the boy might not have said quite that at all but your son heard it and sincerely believes it's what was said.

It's telling that you mention earlier that your son told you the other boy was allergic to cats, so you hadn't invited the boy over due to that. Did you think to call the other mom and ask? Your son could have just had it wrong and the other boy might not be allergic at all. I'm not saying "don't trust your son," I'm saying -- kids get things wrong and parents need to check up on things. That includes this "you've got a problem" thing, now. It sounds like you take your son's statements about other people at face value. But you're the adult and more experienced, and it's up to you to help him navigate interactions for a while to come.

Can you see how, when it came to planning this play date that did not happen, you left it all up to others, especially your son? He told you the other mom would call. When she didn't, you kept asking him about it for day after day, rather than contacting her yourself. This other mom might just have flaked out and forgotten, but if your son wanted the play date -- why didn't you call? Maybe you were concerned about being seen as pushing too hard, but it isn't like you had been pursuing her hard for a play date already so that shouldn't be a worry.

So invite the other boy. With a very cheerful voice when you call (and I would call and not e-mail or text. Using e-mail or text frankly makes it easier for the other mom to say no; in person is best, or by phone). She may surprise you by saying yes. If she says no, don't press too hard, but I would probably say, with utter politeness because you do not know what she might have said if anything at all: "Son mentioned that Your Son seemed reluctant to have a play date with him. Is there something going on between the boys that we can help them with, or can I answer anything for you?"

In short: Give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best, not the worst, especially as you don't really know her personally at all, it seems. She may indeed be a witch, but you don't know that first-hand -- you think you heard what a fourth grader thinks he heard from a friend who maybe thinks he heard something from his mom. Even if the woman is indeed awful -- you at least will have taken the high road, and modeled restraint for your son, by not going ballistic on her.

You and your son have been through a lot. You might be a little over sensitive, which is understandable. Your source of information is a 9 year old, that in itself is suspect (I have a 4th grader myself). I know that there have been times where I have told my daughter that while little Suzy is a sweet girl when dd and little Suzy are together they don't make good choices. For that reason they could be school friends, but we would be limiting out of school playdates. Consider the source - a 9 yo might take that perfectly appropriate statement and turn it into "my mom said you have problems". Call the Mom. Tell her what your son said, give her a chance to explain, and explain all the changes your son has made in the last 6 months as well to see if that changes her opinion. Sometimes kids aren't a good fit, and there is nothing wrong with that - it could be that your kid just doesn't see the signs and the other kid is blaming mom so he doesn't have to take the heat himself.

You have overcome a lot and you deserve to be congratulated on that. What kind of gets me is one one hand calling prejudice bc you're not wealthy and she is yet on the other hand, you purposely picked a wealthy community. Aren't you being prejudiced then against less wealthy people by chosing not to live in their communities?... What's wrong with towns that mirror your social economic standing better? It reminds me of movies where the dorky but smart boy is in love with the pretty girl but she won't look at him bc he's not the handsome football player. But isn't he in love with the pretty popular girl bc she's pretty??? So JUST as superficial as the girl?? If you pick a wealthy community on purpose bc of the schooling, those wealthy parents have every right to be "suspicious" if you use your logic. I hope you understand that a wealthy community may have outstanding schools bc of the taxes and private funding these wealthy families provide. So you have to take the good with the bad if you move some place like that. Of course - no adult should ever target a child though.

I would walk away from this. Nothing you say will convince her that she is in the wrong. She is one of those moms who say "Not MY child!" when it comes to problems of any sort. She thinks her child is perfect because of HER.

Don't worry at this point about him being shunned. Just make sure your son is involved in after school activities so that he doesn't feel left out. There are plenty of other children whose moms aren't like this woman. Seek them out.

You should be so proud of yourself and your son. I would not worry about that Troll of a mother. If you ever see her "say hello and oh my you have something green on your tooth" smile and walk away. You have no need to prove anything to her. lol

Whew! There's really nothing you can do about this. There will always be people who behave this way - and you're hearing this second hand. I'd behave like you didn't hear it until you hear something to your face. I know it's hard - but if he is shunned already - there's nothing you can do to rectify that. You might need to find a more accepting social circle.

That woman is an idiot.

You said exactly the right things to your son. Unfortunately, due to her stupidity and ignorance, they will just have to play at school. But they will have fun at school. Tell him he can invite other kids over for play dates.

Your son will be fine -- I doubt he will be "shunned" by some mommy circle. Don't overthink this.

p.s. - In this case I agree with telling your son the other mother has problems, because it's true. You just say it simply and matter-of-factly, without rancor or emotion. If you were to go around making a big deal of the fact that that judgmental woman has problems, then that would be harmful to your son. But simply stating a fact -- she has problems -- isn't harmful, IMO. Just don't make a big deal about it. But I agree, she lacks class.

p.p.s - Don't confront her.