What Do You Do About Teen Siblings Taking Each Others Things Without Asking?

Ugh, sadly I can relate to this all too well.
Honestly it never got better until the oldest went to college. At least then we got a break from the bickering for a few months at a time.
The reality is that not all siblings, maybe/especially sisters, are going to be the loving, thoughtful housemates we expect them to be.
I hate to say it but I usually "dealt" with it with an extra large glass of wine with/after dinner.
Not the healthiest coping mechanism I know but you do what ya gotta do.

Just wanted to chime in that my older sister and I are less than 2 years apart and my younger brothers are just over a year apart. Each pair of us was constantly taking each others' things without asking...clothes, shoes, makeup, sports stuff, CDs, hair stuff, etc. We were awful. I don't know how my parents lived with us sometimes, to be honest. They definitely ignored us and wouldn't get involved in squabbles.

I do like the idea below of confiscating anything that's out in the open at the end of the day. It's not a ton of work for you and at some point when they start to notice things are missing, you can let them know that the natural consequence of their inability to trust each other to leave things alone that aren't theirs is that you'll just take it and avoid the problem. Have them vow to knock it off and if/when it starts back up again, confiscate again until they really change their behavior.

looks to me like you get to pick between two extremes.

first, step back altogether, and this would certainly be my first choice. let them figure it out, but refuse to let them drag the whole family into it.

it sounds as if you've tried this, but the animosity between them is so great that it's not really a viable solution. and since you've tried family therapy, you've already gone down a road i'd suggest (although i think you're wrong to give up on it if things are really this contentious.)

the other is to take charge of it in a way that doesn't make YOU crazy. instead of ensuring that all items left in common areas get returned to their rooms, confiscate them yourself. let them be the arbitrators of what gets kept under lock and key (and what a sad state for the household.)

stop empathizing, facilitating and discussing it. a terse 'i'm worn out with this issue and refuse to get in the middle of it any more. from now on i'll confiscate all items left out. (insert what needs to happen for items to be returned.) if either of you is caught with her sister's stuff in her possession, she'll incur (insert consequence here). no discussion, no mitigating circumstances. until you're both ready to behave like adults, we'll keep little kid rules around here.'

you can't get stuck in the middle unless you allow these two very young women to put you there.

assert your authority.
khairete
S.

I grew up with a bunch of sisters and we shared rooms and one bathroom. I do the same approach here my mom used. I stay out of it. I know you've tried this and there are circumstances unique to your family - I hear you. However, I was the youngest and what it did for me was - I had to learn to advocate for myself. Today, I am super close and on equal footing with my more domineering sisters.

The only time I intervene is when it affects the overall harmony of our family/household. When it crosses the line - then I handle it the same as I would when they were tots and having tantrums. I have one child who is more sensitive and easily upset than the other more easy going kids. This kid gets so bent out of shape - some of the others purposefully set him off (take his stuff, etc). It's not pretty. Then - I do the - if you disrespect our family rules, you don't get to join in the family dynamic.

If we had something fun planned, my mom, if two of us were squabbling, would say "Right, you two are not coming with us" and 2 would stay home. I do this at times. I sometimes 'punish' the two for not being able to work things out. I know ... it's questionable, and I don't do it often, but it forces them into working together to sort through their stuff. It can backfire, so it's kind of iffy - but it does work (for us) most of the time. That would be my only other suggestion. My kids do argue and disagree and piss each other off, but they are very close.

I do try to stay out of it as much as I can. I think kids kind of unite against mom and dad as teens and that bonds them (I know it did in my family growing up). Not in a bad way, but it was us and then there was them. I like that - it works with us. I tend to deal with mine as a collective whole - if I had to deal with each one separately every time someone didn't return something - it would take up all my time. I like them to know that I don't have time (or interest) to do that. That's just me though. I don't give their squabbling that importance.

I remember a therapist telling me that was crucial for me, personally. Boundaries. So for me, that's a big one. I walk away - I actually have a space in my house they are not allowed to find me. I like the wine thing too Mamazita mentions. I agree :)

When my girls were young I would tell them both that I don’t want to hear their arguments. I told them to work it out. They are now 19 and 14...they just don’t fight.

I think you should just tell them you are not the judge or the jury...work it out but work it out quietly. You don’t need to hear screaming.

My sister and I were and are incompatible.
We fought like cats and dogs until we left home and moved away from each other.
The most contact we have now is to exchange Christmas cards - and that's fine by us.
Just remind them that their time together will end soon and they have to be at least as polite to one another as they would be to anyone else.
Everybody keep out of the others stuff - and they should keep their stuff in their rooms and the rooms locked.
If they haven't solved it themselves by now - it's not going to happen.
My sister and I were pulling out each others hair right up till the end.
Declare common areas a de-militarized zone and they keep their stuff in their own rooms.

I lived with my husband and my daughter lived on her own. Long long long story is that I ended up taking care of, first, my granddaughter. She didn't have her own room because I wanted it established that I wasn't trying to give her a home, she just stayed with me a lot.

Her toys were on a bookshelf in the living room. When she got them out they were all over the living room and hallways.

Eventually it ended up that she got a bedroom where all her things were stored. Then her baby brother came to "stay" with us too. He had a crib in our room and I kept all his things on a short bookshelf by the changing table. Easy reach for everything.

But then he had toys too.

I finally made a rule that anything brought out of their room went into time out for not being in the right room. If it was a doll, a pair of shoes, a movie, anything. It went on my desk in the time out basket. And it stayed for an hour, they were 3 and an infant so to her an hour was a lifetime. As he grew up and she got to be a school age kiddo they didn't bring their things into the public areas of our home. They kept pretty much everything in their rooms.

Their time increased as they grew older and made the same choices over and over. To the point that items would stay there for 24 hours. I figured at that point either they kept their things in their room or they didn't care about them.

I do not find chargers, phones, keys, clothes, movies, tablets, games, nothing, nothing...because the know if it's out of their room for any reason it's in time out for being i the wrong room.

They do not need to bring all their stuff into the family area, that's what their room is for.

Tell the to leave their personal belongings in their room or anything they bring out is open to public access, meaning if they bring their charger out of their room that you can use it, sister can use it, dad can use it, etc... by bringing it out into the main part of the house they are agreeing to allow others to take it and use as they like.

Then when sister takes their items point out that it was out in the public area of the home and that meant that the owner agreed to let anyone use it for however long they wanted.

My older sister and I were like this a lot, but we shared a room so it was easier to get each other's things!
And I'll admit, it was mostly me taking her stuff. Because she was older, and I thought, "cooler" and got better stuff LOL
We fought all the time, she was bossy and not very nice to me most of the time but I still looked up to her and wanted to be like her. I don't remember exactly how my mom handled it but I'm sure there were consequences.
The good news is as we became adults we became best friends.
If you're going the route of them having their own locks on their doors, I'd reinforce that need to keep their own things put away. Not to say that if they leave something out the other has free reign, but at the same time I'd remind them you are a family and to respect one another's things and try asking to borrow before taking. Probably won't work, but it's a good message to drill in to their heads :)
Good luck, teen girls are hard. My sister has four and I don't know how she has any sanity left after the stories I hear!!

ETA: Reading your "So What Happened," let me clarify that you don't need to do everything I listed if it's too extreme! Just pick some good ones.

Also, I have no idea why you're getting some pushback because your 18 year old is still at home. My son turned 18 during the summer between junior and senior year, and was almost 19 when he graduated. No big mystery - he simply didn't start kindergarten until age 6 because he was a 3-hour afternoon napper until age 4.5, so he wasn't ready to be in school during those hours at age 5. So there are a zillion simple and good reasons why an 18 year old can be at home and in high school.

Original answer: I get that this is miserable. But the good news is, it’s easily resolvable and you have all the power!

Stop being the referee. They are 16 and 18, and you have pretty much raised them to the age of maturity. They can work it out themselves, and not involve you.

You have done some enabling here: you’ve allowed locked rooms because they haven’t developed any respect, and my guess is that they still have access to phones, internet, meal privileges, car privileges (older one) and ferrying/ride privileges (younger one). You’ve also paid activity fees for school sports/clubs, bought them the coats and hair accessories and chargers they are fighting over and stealing, and listening to their BS. You’ve allowed the culture of “it’s not fair because of what happened in 2014…”

You have 2 choices:

Option 1: Give them 24 hours notice that you will be confiscating all of the contested items and anything else in a similar category. So if they’re fighting over coats, you’re taking all coats and jackets (and yes, they can go to school wrapped in a blanket and you don’t care what others say). You are confiscating chargers (and the phones/computers they attach to). You are confiscating hair accessories (and while you’re at it, brushes and conditioners and other luxuries). You are cancelling their cell and internet service, and using that money to pay for a lock on the basement/attic/guest room closet where all contested items will be stored for 2 weeks. You ar taking them off the car insurance policy, and they can ride the school bus with the younger kids, or they can walk (you will provide extra scarves and gloves since it is wintertime). To redeem items, they can choose from a serious “Job Jar” – clean toilets, empty trash/recycling, change oil in the car and add washer fluid, do the wash including sheets and towels for you and your husband, scrubbing the kitchen floor and the shower grout, wrapping insulation around the basement pipes, anything else you can think of. And you’re too tired/busy/tied up keeping lists to take them anywhere so there are no social events, no rides to the mall, no movie dates with friends. None. Every eye roll and “That’s not FAIR!!!” adds 2 days to the penalty period. And your calm, measured answer to everything is: “How unfortunate for you. I’m sure you’ll enjoy these privileges when you are older and more mature.”

Option 2: Do the above without 24 hours notice.

Re the trip: Don’t cancel yet, but don’t tell them this, but DO tell them what the cancellation fee is, and let them know you will be adding that to their bill. They can get part time jobs to cover it. They’ll have plenty of time to work (scooping ice cream, babysitting, shoveling driveways for neighbors, dog walking, anything they want….) since they aren’t going to have any privileges or clubs or activities. Also tell them that their jobs will have to cover the cost of a bonded, licensed, insured babysitter that you and Dad will hire to supervise them (through Care.com or any other service, or a retired police officer), while you and he go to Disney, and that you will be letting the police know that the parents are out of town and that an adult supervisor is on the premises. Tell them you need the week’s vacation without bickering or their rants about what’s so damn unfair from 2014 or whenever it was.

My son pulled some attitude on us during senior year. We took the plates off his car and made him ride the school bus. We took his phone. We told him we’d be calling the coach to say he was off the team. He capitulated in less than 48 hours. You have 2 kids and a longer period of insolence, so you might need 2 weeks IF you and your husband are totally aligned and do not cave in or negotiate. Tell the kids you will reassess in one month to see if these restrictions need to be extended. Maybe you can eliminate them in 2 weeks, but DO NOT tell them this! Do not appear to be willing to capitulate! Rehearse your speech with their father so you are entirely on the same page.

Have fun!!!

I think I would charge them for your services. If you're having to make sure they keep up with their stuff (which they're too old for this), you need to be charging them a fee for it. Things left out must not be very important or they'd be put away.

Another way to approach this is to think about confiscating anything left in common areas yourself and have them do extra chores to earn them back. Then maybe they'll be incentivized to take care of their things. Also, it will alleviate the opportunity for each of them to take the other's stuff.

I've never experienced this and I'm sorry your girls don't have a good relationship.

Your 18-year-old is a legal adult. I'm not sure why she is still living at home, but she should be aware that theft is a crime and she should not be stealing from her 15-year-old sister.

As far as the 18-year-old being a victim, if there is a good reason why she is still living at home, then, as an adult, she should be given extra privacy, maybe an extra way to lock up her things (a lock on her closet, for example). She certainly needs to put her things away though - it's no different than a college roommate stealing her stuff in a shared dorm room, anything of value needs to be locked away.

ETA: I am certainly not judging!! I'm saying - you should give her ADULT PRIVACY. A good thing!! She will be happy!! Since, as you say, there are good reasons that she is living at home.

I let them deal with it. My girls are now away at school, both 18 (triplets so the same age). We still have this issue and unless it was a big fight about it or a loss to the "victim", I stayed out of it when they go to high school. My thought is they need to deal with it themselves. They are almost adults. The only person that gets grounded really for taking something is my 9 year old who seems to always want her sisters' things.

Ugh, as a mom to 6 kids, I totally get this - and girls are WAY worse than boys for doing this. For me, it was my oldest 2 girls, who are 21 months apart (now they are 29 and 27!). We didn't do locked doors - it just wasn't our thing (but totally understand that it might be a good choice for some folks). Basically the only time I got involved was when one child entered another's private space to take something without asking. To me, that was the equivalent of theft. If the item was left in a neutral area (living room, kitchen, etc), well then they had to work it out on their own. They were not allowed to enter someone's private space to "retrieve" an item either. The arguing got pretty intense at times, just over stupid stuff. My two oldest couldn't be more different from each other. They don't even look related!

Although they are not "close" in the way that they call each other every day, and they live across the country from each other now, they both swear they are each other's very best friend. If someone would have asked me 10 years ago if those two would ever even speak to each other after leaving home, I would have bet the farm they wouldn't - and it is a bet I was happy to lose! I love that they have overcome their differences about each other and that they treasure each other so much :)

Good luck!