What Do I Do About My Son?

Three things stand out here:

1) He rages and, at 6, puts holes in walls. You've tried a whole bunch of strategies.
2) You're trying to reason with a 4-5-6 year old explaining why something is wrong. In what child psychology book did you learn that very young children understand the difference between right and wrong and already have a fully formed moral code?
3) At 6, he's had multiple therapists and you say "he gets worse with their suggestions."

You don't have the right therapists, or you are trying WAY too many strategies, or you are implementing them improperly, perhaps expecting immediate results in maybe a few weeks or a month. It doesn't work, so you change course, try something else, and you wind up with an enraged and confused 6 year old. Is it possible you are ignoring the fact that things always get worse when you change the discipline and the rules? It takes a while.

I think you either need a new therapist you can trust and work with (that means FAMILY THERAPY and not just making the child go through it) and perhaps a full work-up to see if there's a medical diagnosis and/or a psychological diagnosis.

Your problem is not that he might be kicked out of school. Your problem is that you think that's the top issue, and not that he's violent. Get serious about this and demand a team approach to his treatment - medical, psychological, social, behavioral.

Hey Mama,
This situation sounds so hard! I recommend family therapy. Family therapy would provide you with support. I wouldn't just go for suggestions but for insight into why he is behaving this way and how you might respond more effectively. Perhaps his rage is partly tied to something happening in his family system. Please keep seeking help because once he hits adolescence things will be much worse.
These are clinical levels of psychological problems. You guys need professional help and don't stop until you find a process that helps. Blessings!

It sounds like your son has Reactive Attachment Disorder. We have an adopted son with that, who sounds very much like your son at that age - our son at 6 tried to drown his brother, and at 7 broke our dog's leg. My husband and I did 24 hr awake care for 10 years, never leaving him alone for a second because of our fear that he would hurt someone. He finally got so violent and out of control at 14 that he now lives in a locked facility with 24 hr awake care and a team of people caring for him.

None of the things you are trying would ever work on a RAD kid - their brain is wired in such a way that they cannot respond to any of those methods. Some people believe that there are bonding therapies that WILL work - we did years of bonding therapies and it did nothing (however, I am glad we tried).

Get him into a psychologist to do a diagnostic assessment. Once he is officially diagnosed, then meet with some one in Child Mental Health at your county so he can start getting services. Find a child psychiatrist to work with on medications (to slow him down, which is all they can do) - if the psychiatrist suggests stimulants, watch your child VERY carefully as for whatever reason, stimulants can spark a rage in RAD kids. Ours cannot take stimulants of any kind (Vyvance, Ritalin, Metadate, Adderall, etc.). As far as the school goes, he will need an IEP once you get the diagnostic assessment completed - encourage the school do to their own testing as well. Likely he will test "bright" at this age, and then in a few years, he will be considered low/low average. You can't control what the school does, but you can try to help them. With an IEP in place, they can't "kick him out" but rather they will have to find a more appropriate schooling situation for him. Ours started out in "regular" school. Then went to a Level II, then Level III, then Level IV, and is currently in a Level V locked school. Due to the dangers of transporting him now, we are looking for a facility where the school is on the same grounds as the facility so no transport is necessary.

Never leave your child alone with another child or pet. Get security cameras so you can always see what is going on.

I wish you all the luck in the world. If your child actually has RAD, please be careful. Our son destroyed our lives, our careers, we were prisoners of our home for years because we couldn't take him anywhere. We have 5 other children, one is also special needs, that we were trying to protect. He verbally abused me for years and physically abused me the last 3 years he lived with us (prior to that, he was smaller so we could physically restrain him when necessary). The final straw was when he stabbed me in the stomach with a chair leg and pushed me down the stairs.

Can I be blunt? He's not acting like a normal kid. Something is wrong. You need to take him to a nearby children's hospital that has a child development department and have him evaluated so you can find out what is at the root of this.

My grandson was much like this. He was acting out due to ODD and ADHD. He was angry all the time from being so angry.

Your boy is acting out and getting the proper help and getting him on the proper medications will help him a lot.

Sounds like you need to find a different therapist and possibly medication. Sounds like he's got major psychological issues.

Two thoughts -

If he's this destructive and you fear for him, others and your belongings/house, then you need to try another therapist and talk to his pediatrician.

My other thought is - kids act out because of issues they can't control (some psychological, etc.) or because they want attention - what is his payoff? Why is he doing this? If it's out of his control - then he needs intervention and help. If he's wanting your attention - then you need to get out of the cycle where gets attention (even negative attention) for his behavior and change it to positive rewards ANY time he does something good. Start small. You could have a jar where he puts a bead in if you catch him doing something good.

When my son went through a rough patch of behavior I didn't care for, that's what the therapist suggested - the whole family was watching each other for good behavior (we didn't single him out) and we treated ourselves as a family to fun thing/day when the jar was filled. It worked wonders.