My 15 yr old has gone to see his dad every summer since he was I do not even remember anymore, I think maybe age 10 or 11....anyway I really am used to he comes back and for a week or two he acts like he is the King you know what and I feel like I have to basically de-program him until he is my sweet loving son again.
He is not perfect, he has had his share of trouble...but at the end of everything we have always been close and if we do have a disagreement it always gets rectified.
Not so this year....since he came back from his dads this summer all he can do is talk trash about his step dad, acts like nothing I do is enough, bemoans the fact that our living conditions are not the same as his dads, acts like I keep "his money" ( He is referring to the child support I receive for him) from him AND the worst part is he has stopped following my rules...and I do mean ALL of them.
First he stopped taking out the trash and cleaning his room...those are his ONLY two chores.
Then he started coming and going as he pleased.
Now we are into the school year and this is the second night he has simply just not come home, and to be more precise this is the second night in the SAME week.
We have had the rule since he was old enough for sleep overs that you did not sleep over on a school night and more importantly that you ASK first. He jsut doesn't come home, doesn't even bother to call.
He got mad a week ago because we ( the step dad and I ) had discussed the internet usage and agreed that since my son will break the passwords ( it is PW protected) and sneak on in the middle of the night, that we would just Turn the internet OFF after 10:30, or whenever I am done...it is wireless so we can unplug the router and lock the backroom. My son was so mad he left the house ( on a school night) at 1 am ( I did not know he had left until I woke up at 6 am) and not only did he leave, but he admitted to going out and drinking AND to having gotten high ( we had issues with pot 8 months ago)
I told him when I found out that he was grounded....he told me he had plans...he proceeded to Not come home Friday or Saturday until Saturday night around 9pm.
I JUST went back to work, I have two other young kids, I share a vehicle with my SO and I cannot just go out and track him down, and even if I could it is not as if I could MAKE him come home.
I am leaning towards telling him he has to go live with his dad, but I do not really want to do that, we tried it a while back and it only lasted 6 months and everyone was miserable.
I am at a loss though...what do you do when your child refuses to listen, respect you, follow rules...I mean, call me crazy but I never told my mom when she said I was grounded No, I have plans!?!?!
I am so at a loss...my heart is breaking, I feel panicky, I feel like I am at a 15 year olds mercy....I do not like this....suggestions????
I stopped reading at "this is the second night he hasn't come home."
It's time for him to live with his dad full-time.
p.s. So now I finished reading it, and I STILL think he needs to go live with dad.
Well, you have a couple of different options.
You could call his dad and tell him that he needs to take his son for a while.
I'm actually opposed to that idea though, because if it doesn't work out with his dad, your son will twist it into you just getting rid of him because you don't want him.
He's trying to act like a tough guy, but the fact is he's only 15. He's a baby in a big body.
I allowed my daughter to go to a youth group at a church in our town. Big mistake. Not the church part, but their dogma. I was a divorced single mother who worked to support my kids.
I came home from work one day and my daughter wasn't home. She was 15. I called some of her friends and they said they didn't know where she was. Panic began to set in. Here I was with a 5 year old son too and I didn't know where else to look. The phone rang. It was my daughter. She was at the home of an adult from the church. She proceeded to tell me that she was never going to come home until I admitted I was a Satan worshipper.
Yeah....loving Halloween and the Jewish religion apparently equalled being satanic.
I told my daughter she had 10 minutes to be home or the police would be picking her up.
The church lady brought her and I already had the police at my house. That lady was told to butt the hell out and to leave. She was in danger of being charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor child.
My daughter proceeded to get lippy with the officer insisting that I was a satan worshipper and he took his hand cuffs out.
He said, "Listen....this is a small town. We aren't stupid. We know who ALL the weirdos and drug dealers are. There are no 'satan worshippers' and your mother isn't one of any of those. She has a good job, we are standing here in the middle of a beautiful house that your mom has obviously provided for you. You are being disrespectful and incorrigable at this point. Do you kow what incorrigable means? It means that I am going to handcuff you and you are going to Juvenille Detention because you choose not to follow rules and respect your mother and you're not even being respectful to me Your little brother is standing there like a deer in the headlights watching all this. Do you care about your brother?
Have you ever been handcuffed before? Put your hands behind your back. Lets just do this."
Hmmm. Miss Tuffy Pants didn't want to.
He made her apologize to me A) for not coming home and B) for accusing me of being a devil worshiper. C) For me having no choice to do the right thing and call the police.
He said he was notifying the police department and if there was one more call about her behavior, she was gone and I wouldn't be able to get her out.
She never tried that again.
I'm a single mom, she wasn't easy all the time and let me tell you...I got help where I could get it.
There WAS no option for her to go with her dad. I was it. I was all she had.
I know some may disagree with me, but at that age, not coming home is not acceptable. It just isn't. If your kid wants to talk to you.....that's one thing.
Just not coming home, no way.
If you don't do something now, you're in for a painful ride. Both of you.
Sometimes you have to love your kid enough to do the tough thing.
My daughter not coming home until I admitted something that wasn't true didn't merit a dinner, just the two of us, at her favorite restaurant.
She gave me an ultimatum knowing I would never admit to worshipping satan.
That backfired on her big time.
This is an example of what my daughter pulled and how I handled it. I had a cop to back me up.
"Want to live a life of crime and being on the run? Why wait? Let's introduce you to where that life will get you right now. Put your hands behind your back".
For what it's worth, my daughter will be 25 soon. She turned out amazing and is an incredible mother to her own baby boy.
She has apologized to me so many times for the trouble she gave me.
There is hope at the end, but it's my personal opinion that you can't let your son think you are afraid to do anything about it.
Not coming home whenever he feels like it is NOT okay.
I don't know the dad situation, but I doubt his dad would put up with it for long either.
He needs to know there is a really real possibility he could end up in a super not happy place. He's 14. Whether he likes it or not, he's in no position to call the shots for his own life.
It can be easy or it can be hard and unhappy.
His choice.
My daughter chose being more respectful to me.
Just my opinion.
Hang in there!
My big threat was military school like a friend of mine did. Her teen was acting up, getting bad grades and staying out late. She told him he had until Thanksgiving to clean up his act. He did not. The Monday after Thanksgiving he was having his head shaved and getting fitted for his uniform. He had to earn free time. He had to earn trips home.
So - give him a date by which he has to clean up his act. Get your rear in gear and find a military school that will take him.
LBC
Wow you said "it's not like I can make him come home." that statement shows that he is controlling you. You are his mom; you CAN make him do anything! And I wouldn't care if I had to borrow someone's car; I would be looking for my child. Try counseling to start. He will end up on worse drugs than pot if you keep allowing him to go where he pleases at all hours of the night.
I looked at the other responses and agree that the mini vacation might be a good idea. I think he needs to talk to his Mom and is trying to get your attention.
I don't know the situation at his dad's house but it sounds like dad has more money or better credit and spends it on your son and also undermines you every chance he gets. And I would also bet that at dad's house he is the only child so he gets a lot of attention.
I would take him to a hotel with a water park or at least a really cool pool nearby for a weekend. I think once you get him away from his step dad and siblings, he will open up and talk. But you know you can't force it, let it become naturally. If that doesn't work I would get into a Mother/Son counseling program.
Im sorry sweetie! My 15 year old almost made me cry earlier in the week and I hate when we aren't meshing well. School started too and my rule is no phone on the week nights and he got all mad about it and called my sister and asked if he could spend the weekend with her because he " wants to get away from me for a few days". Hurt my feelings something Peirce. O well. I would get the school counselor involved and if worse comes to worse call the cops. We have curfews here and I don't care how mad my kid is if you leave my house without me knowing there will be hell to pay. Period. His narrow behind wouldn't leave the house and if he so chose the cops would be called. I've learned sometimes tough live is the only way. I would give my life for my boy but I will not sit and worry. Put your foot down mama. He will thank you in the end. Good luck love.
Well I agree with the residential center. Why because he does not listen to your rules and "wants" to do what he damn pleases when he wants to.
My son acted up a bit at 8. I decided to contact the local child protective agency. I explained that he was a good kid but he didn't want to listen and I wanted him to find out where he would go if he didn't like the rules at home. They gave me a time to come down with him and they "locked" him up next to a 15 year old that decided he wanted his momma. Imagine that, the 15 year crying and begging for momma. Anyway I explained what had been going on and that it was to show him what the consequences to his actions would be if he did not straighten up. About 15 minutes later he was brought into a room where I was and was asked question by the counselor who put it in context that he could understand. Counselor told him that he needed to listen and to learn and to behave and that his mom brought him there because she loved him. When we got home he asked if he could pleeeze take a bath. He didn't like the cot with no sheets/blankets, the sink and potty. I know tough love but it worked.
Yes you do need to work with this child because you do have others in the house that are watching. Part of it could be that he resents the fact that the others are there and that step dad is in the home and not his dad. But he is almost and adult and he has to learn the ways of the adult world or he will be in for a world of hurt and sorrow. The work wolrd does not put up with mouthy people with attitudes. Maybe you can find him a job. Whatever you do decide stand firm with the decision and don't ever second guess what if.
Parenting is not a fun game. You are not their friend you are mom and dad the "wardens" who love them and would put down their lives for them. Friendship is when they are in their 20s and on.
The best of luck. I hear ya.
The other S.
It is time for your husband to step up to this boy and show him who the man of the house is. If he can't follow the rules of your house then ship him off to his father's and make it permanent. I know they seem to have a love fest over the summer but things are different when you have to live with the less than pretty teen full time.
Understand that you will need to pay child support and just do it but I would put his sorry butt out immediately.
I do love the ideas of boot camp and military school too. Do what you must but he must not be permitted to run the house like he is trying to do. The grass always looks greener on the other side.
It is time for the men in his life to step up. He shouldn't be permitted to do what ever he wants.
In my City the police are of no help in these matters but perhaps they could be helpful to you.
It may also be helpful to get him involved in some kinds of activities or sports. Coaches are very helpful in raising our children.
Some kids, especially boys, do need to live with their fathers at this age. What kind of parent is his father? Does he want to take on school-year parenting? Are you able to discuss these current problems with his father?
My stepkids came to live with us at 14 & 16 and I could tell "fathering" was what they really needed. Their father wasn't especially strict, but seemed to have the authority they needed at this age.
If that isn't a viable option, then try counseling. If that doesn't work, but give it more than one try, then involve law enforcement.
Have you considered going on a mini vacation with him, just the two of you? It may sound crazy, but he is obviously going through something that requires your full attention.
Sounds like you need to set some ground rules and the ex should help reinforce them whether with you or him. Have someone intervine such as school counselor, church or someone who could help. Or tell him if he can't follow your rules then go live with his father. Whatever you do, don't give up, he needs guidance more than ever. Good luck....
If staying with Dad results in him acting this was, moving in with Dad should definitely not be an option - sounds like he can do whatever he wants there. If Dad is not willing to co-parent with you to help straighten out your son's behavior, I would agree with those that said to call the police & report him as a runaway the next time he stays out. Either that, or, if it's financially feasible, military school - I know for some that it is not an option due to finances.
OH dear, sounds like my son at 17. IF I could go back in time I would have put him in a really good residential program before he turned 18 and tried to deal with drugs and alcohol with lots of counseling and maybe it would have saved us YEARS of agony. Something inside your son is hurting, hurting so badly he wants to smother it with drugs, alcohol and anger. Get him some help ASAP. Do whatever you have to do!
