What Can We Do to Better Support Our Black Son?

Hi,
I love your move but I've been a little disturbed by your use of "minority" in your description of who your son is to your family.
He is your son, right? If you had 3 biological kids and one of them happened to be a boy, would you have considered him a minority coz he is the only son?
I would say, since he is your son, raise him the same way you are raising your other kids. Give him the same dose of integrity, respect, self-respect, confidence, loyalty etc as you would any of your kids. It doesn't matter if the child is adopted or not, he/she is your child - fact.
I raise my boys to be everything positive not because they are black or because they are boys, but because it is the right thing to do. Integrity and such have no colour.
I hope I didn't come as too harsh on you. If you feel I did, my apologies.
You are doing wonderful things. Stay blessed.

L..
I work from Home. Ask Me How

Hello, I am a bi-racial mom who basically identifies as Black (but I’m not African-American since I’m not from here) I have a on who is only 25% Black and doesn’t look like it, but I think he is already identifying as a non-white kid.
You mention something about “full” African-American. What is that supposed to mean. An African-American can be any skin tone, so if you have a dark-skinned child, that’s great, I would hope that you wouldn’t discriminate. But on the flip side, you shouldn’t discriminate against a lighter African-American child either. Darker African-American child or not more authentically Black than lighter African-American children!!! Yes there is a history behind it, but children of all tones need love. And I think having a range of colors in a family is good. Bottom line, yes you should do what you need to do for your family, but don’t think that having two-dark skinned African-American children means you are doing more than having one dark-skinned and one-light-or medium-toned African-American child.
If you are happy with your church and the church works for your family, then don’t change it. Doesn’t make sense to me. Sure going to an All Black church or an all Asian church might be something to do from time to time …
But a diverse school that works for your child would probably be more of a priority in my opinion.
I think your child might benefit from finding one or more Black male mentors. Take him to appropriate (do your research) Black movies and documentaries, take him to events where he can play with Black kids … not just once at year at community Kwanzaa but playspaces, sports, parks etc.
This may sound silly to you, but take him to Black Barbers and when he is old enough leave him there 30 minutes or whatever and then come to pick him up. He would then have time to have 1:1 time with a group of Black men. But be forewarned they tend to talk about anything and everything at Black Barber shops like relationships, race, politics etc. I think you should leave as soon as he’s old or wait outside enough because it’s a nice private male space.
Sounds like you have a diverse group of friends, but it would be great to be open to more.
Read everything you can get your hands on! And read books with him with a diverse group of characters. Get him Dora and Diego (the plush dolls) and look for Black boy and Black dolls too (if you can avoid the Barbies since he probably won’t be interested.)
Talk about race and don’t shy away from difficult questions (especially as he gets older and he might challenge you more.) My three year old son has already started asking questions about race. On the subway, my son recently said “Goodbye Black man.” To a man on the train and I didn’t say anything because it is what it is. But if he says something that seems off to you ask him about it. And since it sounds like he is young, he may not even know that he is Black so read lots of books about it and talk about it. I think young kids may get upset at first to think they are different from their mothers but embrace the difference and talk about it. I am against the thinking that color doesn’t matter, it does!!!
Sounds like you’re doing a great job!
Good luck.
P.

Hello - your concerns are real and timely. I strongly suggest that you check this site if you haven't already: www.loveisntenough.com. Through this site, I find new ways to talk about race and differences to our son. I believe that caucasians tend to minimize the race issue, and I try harder now to recognize when I have this tendency. For me, it's about understanding and changing my own biases so I don't project them onto our son.

Another site that has adoption-specific perspective is: www.informedadoptions.com. I believe in bonding and attachment development and how our children risk self-esteem and identity issues due to adoption losses. It's always a worthwhile site to peruse.

As far as what other people are thinking... you probably already know. I imagine that you receive a mix of weird questions and assumptions; we do, too. The most disturbing to me are those comments about "saving" my son or those opinions that talk negatively about his early history. I believe these statements are well-intended, and I'm not easily offended, so I simply bring the conversation to our current family situation.

I imagine that you've received all the token diversity and adoption book recommendations. I will share the ones that mean the most to us:
1) I Like Myself! by Karen Beaumont
2) Children Just Like Me by Anabel Kindersley
3) We Are All Alike... We Are All Different by Cheltenham Elementary School Kindergartners and Laura Dwight
4) All the Colors of the Earth by Sheila Hamanaka
5) Whoever You Are by Mem Fox

I wish you and your family all the best!

My uncle and aunt adopted all 4 of their children, one of whom was black. One thing they did that really helped was to get him involved with a "big brother" in their community who was black, to give him a good black male role-model. My aunt was adopted (she was Korean), and she mentioned that it was difficult being the only Asian her her area, so moving to a more diverse church is a great idea. I think everything you are doing sounds wonderful. And what people are thinking - I don't know about everyone else, but a family is a family is a family to me. Good luck.

Wow you sound like an awesome family. I have a bi-racial family but don't differentiate between all our shades. When I meet people without my hubby they ask about him I say how great he is and when they meet him few say you didn't mention he was black. Why would I? Would it make a difference if I added his color to describing him? What I am saying yes be concious that something may arise later in life as we do not have a color blind society, but don't make his skin color or ethneticity be his difference. He's your son and thats's it. Live your lives every day feeling blessed you have many healthy and wonderful kids. Sounds like he won't have self esteem issues because of his supportive family. You will raise a well adjusted confident MAN, period.

You did the right thing reaching out because you are acknowledging that the world can be a tough place and you don't want to miss anything. Good job! It sounds to me like you are more than half way through the battle. It's constant work. Not just talking about diversity, but showing and living it. You are doing that by making moves to be sure he is not the 'only'. Best of luck.

Hi,
since you asked I'd like to add a couple of things to all your comments. I know that for the sake of your question you had to put "our black son", but I think that throws people off. He is your son! period, it doesn't matter if he is black, white, purple, green, yellow etc.!!! How do you do what's best for him? the same way you do what's best for your girls, you teach them all respect, love, self esteem, self-respect, confidence, integrity, the fear of God, etc. To him he is just your son! Yes time will come when he will ask how come he is different than the rest of the family, but what is more important is that he never feels less than the family, that although he is of different skin color, he still feels like part of the family; that he KNOWS he is your son and therefore a member of the family. Remind you, there are children that don't even feel like part of the family because of the way they are being raised by their parents. So it doesn't matter what color you are, or what color he is, as long as you all love and respect each other without making differences amongst you he will grow into a find young man. He will meet people his color and he will interact and play with other kids when the time comes. But don't focus on taking him to "all black" places just because he is black. When he goes to daycare, pre-k, kinder, etc., that's when I would consider a school with diversity.
I do agree that if you are happy at your church, don't change it because of that. But if you are not happy then yes, go and find a church that will serve your needs better, but don't focus in it being a mix church. If it happens to be mix, then that's good and if it doesn't it's still good as long as you get the teaching and support you are looking for. Please don't stress about this, just treat him the same and let him be himself.
Best wishes for you and your family. And remember, what's inside us weights more than skin color!!! Be blessed.

i dont have personal experience i this area, but I have read some very enlightening articles in brain, child magazine. One thing that stuck with me is that it's okay for people to stare. People may look at your family for a longer time because it does not fit with what they have cataloged as a "black" family or a "white" family. However, this staring is usually just observation, or trying to create a new category in one's mind, or trying to figure out the relationship between the members of the family...it is not necessarily reflective of negative sentiment. I thought it was interesting to teach children that staring is not necessarily problematic and should not be taken offensively.

check out these articles:
http://www.brainchildmag.com/essays/fall2008_gunther.asp

http://brainchildmag.com/essays/fall2007_friedman.asp

You can host an au pair with similar heritage. This is a cultural experience for the entire family and also helps care for children and the home for 45 hours per week. Imagine having a night out with your spouse? http://egendler.aupairnews.com

I think you have your basis covered. Just because he is of different color we are all the same inside. If you have a problem with ppl. saying anything just fluff them off. When your son grows' older and understands' what adoption etc.means I am sure he will feel exceptional. Your intent to adopt another african/american is a great idea and I'm sure it will help him with another of his race. I would just explain to him (later) that some ppl. can be rude and ask questions that really don't pertain to them. Take him to places where there are a mixture of ppl. I am sure that you are not the only family who has adopted a child of a different race. Let him know he is no different than anyone else other than his skin color. Like I said we are of the same other than white versus african american. As long as he is loved (which I know he is) and he respects others I am sure that his life will be wonderful. As the years go by and becomes a teenager he will know his family loves him and let him know that anyone who says anything against him or rude and have no business trying to misguide him. You sound like a wonderful family and to adopt a child of any race I think is a beautiful thing. I was an adopted child myself, I am not african american but I knew that my mom and dad loved me. They finally had a child of their own 9yrs later but I felt blessed to have the parents I had. I was 9yrs. of age when I was told of the adoption and it didn't faze me at all. Yes there were those that made comments but I was taught not to pay attention to what others said. My parents always let it be known that I was loved and I was their pride and joy.
Let your son know this, give him the love and attention that he so deserves and I'm sure he will turn into a fine young man with the morals he was raised with. I wish you all the best and your son will return your love two fold I'm sure.

As an answer I will tell you about my little family of Puerto Ricans. I adopted 4 PR brothers ages 12, 8, 4 &2. I kept in contact with their bio dad and became very close to their bio aunt (dad's sister). The aunt and I visited all the time and she served PR food and would talk about her life in PR. Now they are all grown and this is how they are diverse. The oldest (28) does not like Mexicans and doesnt want to visit PR, he has been there twice and thats enough for him. He has white friends a white wife and seems happy. The next (24) loves the island of PR, but also has white friends and a white wife. The next (20) wants to be black, has mostly black friends and speaks ghetto when Im not around. NOW the youngest(18) who has been with me the longest, LOVES that he is PR and has since he is about 8. he cant wait to go there, has clothes with the PR flag on it, loves the food, (the other 3 dont really care for the food), has a PR girl friend and proudly tells everyone that he is 100% Puerto Rican.
So how do you figure that? I raised them all the same, exposed them to PR culture and foods and never said anything derogatory about any race. I have multicultural friends and have always welcomed my boys friends no matter what race. I was a foster mom for 17 years and had more black babies than white and my boys know this. I have pictures hanging up, so they can see, but I have not made a point of mentioning race.
As far as what other people think, who cares? No one blinks when they see a white couple with Oriental children, they just assume they are adopted. I think its wonderful that you took you son into your heart and care enough about him to want another AA child. It seems you are exposing him to different ethnic groups and that should be enough for now. When he is older he might show a preference to a particular church or group and that would be great. When all your children get older it might be fun to have ethnic night once a week or so, where you serve Indian, Chinese, Greek, African or whatever and talk about the country and customs. Show it on a map and have fun researching it with your family.
One thing to remember that might ease your conscience is that chances are the bio mom would not have spent a whole lot of time teaching him his culture either.

Adoptive Families Magazine has a article on this months addition it is online too. We are an adoptive family but do not face your challenges. I do know someone however, that switched to an African-American church and that was huge difference for the family...mostly because they didNOT live in a racially diverse area. The child attended youth activities with other members and made friends with kids who were christian and with like values. My daughter is from Eastern Europe and we are always incorporating it in our house but she can also hear negative from the news!!

Our president looks black (and is 1/2 black) and was raised in by a white mother and seems to have turned out well adjusted. While you are sure to have worries, realize the overwhelming odds are that he will be great with such loving parents and siblings:-)