What Battles Would You Have Chosen Differently?

I don't have regrets. The only thing I would change if I had to pick something would be stressing on the small stuff. I would have been a little less strict on the kids being loud in the house. But thats it.

I say respect and politeness are the ones I wish I would have enforced more consistently. I would not have stressed so much about perfect cleanliness of their rooms or hair brushed perfectly.

This is too funny - I was just talking about this type of thing with someone a few D. ago. Anyway, there are some things to us that just aren't that big of a deal that some people we know tend to freak out about & we are super strict on some things that other people could care less about. We have a 5 year old boy, 3 year old girl, 4 month old girl so we are adapting as we go along also. So here are a few:
1) Hair - I don't care how it's cut or how they want to wear it - right now we won't let them have their hair colored because of the chemicals but later won't care if they want to dye it.
2) Piercings - none until they are old enough to decide on their own: they can get their ears pierced anytime they decide but any other piercings will have to wait until they are old enough to legally do it without our consent - same with tatoos (I have had multiple piercings & my husband & I both have tattoos). We want them to be old enough to make an informed decision.
3) Potty Training - they will not still be in diapers at 16! My husband often would remind me of that when I would get frustrated. Letting them lead works best though we did have an issue with our older daughter but it worked out fine.
4) Jumping on the bed/couch - it's just a piece of furniture not a big deal. We do not let them do that at other people's homes though!
5) Climbing, jumping, exploring - as long as I'm relatively certain they won't break any bones I'm pretty ok with them doing things (we have a neighbor that FREAKS OUT every time our son climbs a 6 foot tree...he's been in trees a whole lot bigger than that!)
6) Bedtime - there are exceptions but for the most part we are pretty strict with bedtime. They need their sleep & we need our alone time. There is no getting out of bed time and time again - there is no messing around - once they are in bed they go to sleep & that is the case pretty much where ever we are - makes life easy when we are visiting family too.
7) Food - unless the food actually makes them gag, they eat what is served & that is that. We are somewhat adventurous with our cooking so if it is something completely new I'll often fix sides that I know they like or they just eat more salad/fruit than anything else for that meal if they don't like the new meal. I'm not a short-order cook & don't fix multiple meals at one time - we will let them choose what's for dinner some times though & lunch around here is usually an odd mix of things & more open for differences as long as it is relatively easy to do. i.e. sometimes our daughter will want grilled cheese but our son doesn't like them & wants a peanut butter sandwich - no biggie they can each have what they like.
It's a learning process & an adventure...all of life is! Enjoy & find what works best for your family. Many blessings :-)

No matter what we tell you, you will be YOU and that is OK! Know that eventually, your children learn how to sleep, and that when they are in high school, you will be begging them to snuggle you! Know that they will eventually figure out how to eat well - aren't we all still sorting that out?! Know that you are their universe - and despite the fact that they will get on every nerve you never knew you had (they are little bits of you)...your love and acceptance is EVERYTHING to them! Know that your house could always be neater, and you could always do more, but sometimes you need to kick back and just play on the carpet with them - or let them scream and laugh and run around the house (even jump on the furniture!). Know that boundaries and 'no' also mean I love you and that children crave boundaries these days! Know that you will not be perfect, your parents weren't either - and that you alone will not ruin your child's life - but rather your love and acceptance alone can and will help give them the foundation to being a secure and well-adjusted person!

Enjoy every breath - and don't over analyze all your decisions - some how, it all works out with lots of good prayers and faith and friends!

S.

Each child is different so you really need to know your childs personality. I always tried to stress the no violence, no guns, no fighting etc... I have 3 sons, no daughters so even though I did not allow guns, fighting etc... they would make guns out of everything, the sandwich for lunch, legos, drawings etc... so we decided to enroll them in a karate classes, hunting classes etc to show them the proper use of and way to do things. We also stressed love and acceptance of everyone!

I cringe at expressions like "pick your battles" or "stick to your guns" or other terms that suggest that parenting is a war in which the child must "lose" and the parent must "win." I guess because that was the way I was raised, and it created a rather hellish environment because three of us sisters were compliant and always lost, and one sister fought back and it was always open warfare. She never won, but neither did my mother.

Probably in reaction to my own childhood, I used an approach that is now called Emotion Coaching or Empathetic (or Peaceful) Parenting, and it was just fine for my daughter, who is now raising her son in a similar manner. My biggest regret is that I stayed with her demanding and verbally abusive father for too many years, and it affected us both.

She will tell you, now that she's a loving and responsible mom, that she's glad I gave her as much choice and freedom as possible, almost from infancy, to help her internalize her own sense of good and bad and problem-solving skills. I would coach her and warn her about possible outcomes / consequences, but I would let her try things out and make her own mistakes or successes (unless she wanted to do something dangerous, of course). That freedom to learn directly was something my mother would never have allowed, so I made an awful lot of huge mistakes when finally on my own.

I'm really glad I didn't demand more of her at any age than she was capable of giving. And she learned cheerful cooperation, good manners, sensitivity and generosity, and a fine work ethic at least as quickly as any strictly-raised child I've ever known.

Interesting question.

One thing I decided to do when I was a new mom was to change how I used language in regard to parenting. I replace "picking my battles" (which suggests a win/lose situation) with "Finding what's important".

What I've found has been most important to me in my relationship with my son is (in this order):
1. Safety (for himself and those around him, and then those *things* around him.
2. Respect (he must follow directions, or sit in a chair until he's ready)
3. Citizenship/Manners (this means acknowledging others, asking for things in 'a friendly way' and being helped to compromise when need be for the benefit of his immediate community-- whether at home with just Mama and Daddy, or in play situations/at preschool)
4. Bedtime/Health related issues. (This means going to bed on time and eating well, especially when sick. I'm a stickler on this one!)
5. Managing his social situations. (We choose "friendly players "for him to have playdates with, because we want him to experience the world as a relatively safe place, and are aware how much the actions of other children can 'rub off' on our kids.)

We are also very, very careful about media/ child-focused marketing. We are raising a future citizen for society, not a consumer.

Everything else is gravy, to me. I don't care whether his clothes are on backward or forward, so long as they're on. I don't care if he doesn't take a bite of everything I serve at meals, so long as he understands that what's for dinner is what's on his plate.

I also know that I have to adjust what I do in order to make those 'important' things for me become important for him, too. This is done through a *lot* of modeling. I have eaten more fresh veggies in the last 3 years than I had in my entire life previously! all for a good cause....

And lastly, I try to understand where my son is coming from before deciding how to discipline. (I like to think of this as MY discipline!) Tired and hungry kids often need food before they can focus on correcting their actions. Attention-getting behaviors need to be countered with better opportunities for positive attention, and a concerted effort to stop what I'm doing to put the timer on for 10 minutes to go and play with him. Sometimes, it can't be helped: dinner and housework need to get done. How can I include him when he's wanting attention?

Oh, and I let toilet learning be his journey, not mine. I'm sure I have more hair on my head because of this. And when he was ready (at 3 years, 3 months) , it was delightfully easy.

Parenting, for me, is very intellectually-engaging work!

I'll keep it short. The only things I stress about are issues of safety. Don't touch the stove or other appliances. Don't run in the street. Other than that if they want to eat something strange like breakfast for dinner or vice versus. So what. Also I try to give choices instead of open ended questions. Like do you want to wear this or this. So my son only has 2 choices. That way he feels like he is in control but he really isn't. This works well for meals too. Good luck I am sure you can figure it out.

I think it depends on the house and environment.

Some of the seemingly small things now are if they miss a nap or have cake for dinner or get licked in the face by the dog it's not the end of the world!

As they get older, (mine are now 20 and 16) grades, as long as they can look my husband and I in the eye and say the did their best, that's all we can ask.
If they make a commitment, they stick to it.
The golden rule, of treating others as they would want to be treated.

But probably the biggest for me to let go. . . their room is their room. Don't get me wrong, I have the right as a mother to go in at any time and "clean" and find whatever I may find. But if they chose to sleep on top of their bedspread with another blanket so they don't have to make their beds, I don't care.
If they choose to NOT hang up their clothes and wear them wrinkled, it's up to them. *Since my kids are (were our 20 year old doesn't live at home anymore) on the second floor, the rule is that IF their clothes are down when I am doing laundry, I will be happy to do theirs as well. BUT I will not carry it back upstairs. So it gets washed, dried and folded nicely in a basket to be carried upstairs by them. If they choose to not hang up their clothes and live out of their baskets, it's up to them.

Good Luck!

I'm glad that I was insistant and lovingly consistant with bedtime. I always treated it like they were so lucky they got to snuggle up in all their comforters and stuffed animals and that I wish I could, but that it wasn't my bedtime. I never "pitied" them that they had to go to bed. I'd act surprised if they were upset and tucked them right back in with kisses and a "Sweet dxreams!" They were wonderful when it was time to go to bed.

I DID always make an excepton if they were sick and would break routine, but only then.

I wish I would have stood up for my son when his teacher wanted to put him back in kindergarten because of his behavior. She was the problem, not him. He was bored and needed harder work, she was unwilling to teach him. That is a battle I wish I would have chosen.
One thing I've learned, I'm my children's only advocate. God gave them to me to raise. Its my job to protect them, shelter them, teach them, instil faith in them, and lead them. I should never give up those rights or responsibilities to anyone else. Not a teacher, social worker, daycare provider, government agent, nobody!

I would have stressed schoolwork more. One has a phD, the other 2, have nothing, not that they aren't bright, and very smart, but without the right degree, you just don't make it.
I never allowed ripped jeans, "buy them for $1.00 at the thrift store, cut them up and wear them on weekends!"
No tatoos, none are tatooed as of today and they are grown. No piercings other than ear, don't mutilate your body- it is beautiful as it is, and besides, people don't hire people with piercings all over.
You will not commit suicide!
Other than that, we rolled with the changes, and made it out, and got them grown to real nice people with good spouses, who are also good parents. Good luck, be there for them, that is pretty important.

My thoughts on this were bouncing around and I hope this makes sense.

When the child is just bothering the heck out of you about something, going to a friends house overnight, wanting to go to the movies with a friend, anything that you just don't want to deal with at the moment then take a breath, tell them that you will take time to think about it at XX time and to please allow you to focus on the task at hand. Or finally just saying yes to get them to leave you alone.

Responding with a loud "NO" and then not really meaning it can make you regret that you said it and then you let them go. If you had just had the time to focus on the request and think it through then you would have said yes. Or saying yes to something to get them to stop bothering you and then regretting it because it is totally not something you would allow.

That is a big problem I had. My daughter told our therapist she could change my mind from no to yes by just bugging me, he asked how many times out of 100? She told him over 80....I created my own worst enemy. So,of course, when he told me this I stopped giving in and if I said no I meant it.

And finally, if it doesn't make a difference for their salvation or for their residency place during eternity then consider allowing them to have more fun and freedoms. I am a stick-in the mud and have had to really work on letting go of being the boss. I don't force hours pf homework, I let them do more than one activity each week, I spend more time doing so they can do things than on myself.

One does BMX, dance, soccer, gymnastics, tumbling, acting in childrens community theatre, and we'll eventually add piano when she can read a bit better.

The other just turned 4 so he'll do T-Ball in the Spring, add soccer when he's 4 1/2, does gymnastics, will add BMX when he learns to ride his new bicycle without training wheels, and I will consider football when he's old enough.

I work 3 part time jobs to pay for these extras but gladly do them just to know I am giving them skills and life's fullest experiences plus giving them heath lifestyles for their, and their future children's, lifestyles. I work at their gym/dance studio in the clothing store and it pays for most everything, I work for another BMX mom doing her ironing and clean her home and she pays on race days for trophies. I also iron for others just to have pocket money for myself, and I clean my FIL's house and he gives me a gasoline credit card so I don't have to worry about transportation costs.

Mostly when I think about 'choosing my battles' it is after I have said no to something that really doesn't matter and now they are whining. I will say no to something trying to be a good mom, maybe that 2nd cookie, and then they whine and whine and finally I give in. By that time I think to myself, 'why do you care? really, choose your battles' so I give in. But then, I am probably teaching them that mommy will change her mind if you whine enough. So in the beginning of the conversation I need to make my decision and stick to it. I would not let them watch as much tv if I had a second go round and I would play with them more. :o) Keep her on a schedule, it will help their moods if they get enough sleep. Give her good manners and stick to it. Our children are very good and polite but don't 'remember' to say "thank you" or "bless you" etc I have been too soft and too nice and they don't take me seriously. They are very laid back and happy children but I wish I would have commanded more respect. I always teach them to respect their elders and take care of the elderly. I teach them never to tease anyone b/c you never know their situation. I also take them to donate items and tell them who we are donating to and why. I even had them take some of their money this Christmas and buy presents for the children at the Room and The Inn. They really felt good about it and knew they were helping. Good question.

I wish we would have been more strict on bedtime...sleeping in their own beds, going to bed by themselves. Mine are 4 and 2 and I am struggling every day to get them to go to sleep on their own because I have always layed with them while they fell asleep. Now, getting them used to doing it on their own is HARD.

Good luck with your little one :)

Updated

what to wear.... with my first i wanted her to be in everything matching, super clean, adorable... now with my second child their are many days she goes to school in her pj's lol (shes 3 not like high school or anything)

I am glad that I fed my children what I would have cooked if I didn't have kids. My kids are comfortable with a wide variety of foods and have high expections. They want sushi, steak, and seafood. They appreciate a well cooked meal and look at wonder and distain at kids who only want macaroni and cheese.

Our only problem now is that they don't want what is on a kid's menu!

1. i wish my husband and i could of seen eye to eye on bed time times when my kids were younger.

I agree with Molly -- stressing on the small stuff. And most of it's small stuff, in hindsight.