So another poster's question prompted a discussion between my friend and I. Basically, we discussed our thoughts on how someone (male or female) should handle their relationship (especially their marriage) if they are no longer in love with their SO or spouse. Obviously there isn't a cut and dry right answer but specifics would play a big part in what was best. I married my high school sweetheart and we grew apart, both made mistakes, fought ALL the time, and decided to divorce so we and our son could be happy (initially my decision but eventually I think he realized it was for the best too). Although I have divorced and remarried, I am not a fan of divorce but do realize it is sometimes the best decision. On the other person's post, someone actually said "just decide to fall in love"...I don't think you can "decide" with who or when to fall in love.
In a situation where two good people who care about each very much seem to grow further apart each day, don't agree on much especially not important topics, seem to not even like each other very much, at least one doesn't have any desire to have sex with the other...what should they do? Stay together? Separate/Divorce and remain on good terms? What if there is a young child involved?
This discussion extended to a related topic. Situation...a married person who is in a relationship like this and is already struggling with how to handle it. Has a co-worker who they will be in regular but limited contact with that without any advances from either party, has a strong, unexplained attraction to this co-worker. The co-worker has no idea and the person with the crush has no idea if the feelings are even mutual but actually can't stop thinking about the co-worker, smiles at just the thought of the co-worker. How does this person stop this crush from continuing? I am not asking if they should act on it because as long as the marriage is in tack, the answer would be no. I am asking "how do you stop a crush?"
What are your thoughts?
Just to elaborate...it started out as hypothetical but then turn to a specific situation both of us are aware of. As for the co-workers, they are very professional so behavior is not the issue but rather FEELINGS are the issue. The person is really struggling with the feelings and guilt because of the marriage (which is more like cohabitation than a marriage...there is no spark). the person has stated clearly that acting on feelings is not even a possibility even if the marriage ended (unless after it was over the co-worker's interest was mutual).
I think everyone at some point has a "work crush" but it's typically a fleeting attraction/appreciation of physical attractiveness. Example...my assistant and I (at my old job) thought one of the foreman was super cute and very nice so we sort of had a work crush on him but we both knew that was all it was...completely innocent. The person I am discussing now does not feel that way and the "crush" isn't what they would normally consider "good looking" but there is a strong pull. Trying to get your words of wisdom to pass on and try to help so please keep them coming. They are just trying to figure out what to do about the marriage and now also what to do to stop the thoughts and feelings for the co-worker...changing jobs is NOT option.
What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage by: Paul David Tripp
Buy it and read it cover to cover.
as far as the crush goes, you keep your mouth shut, and yes, the crush goes away. eventually. because no relationship keeps that "Buzz" forever - and that's because you get to know someone's faults and normalcies and it becomes "normal" and loses the excitement. i speak from experience. i once saw a new guy at work that literally made me do a double take, lose track of what i was saying to my girlfriend, and made my mouth go dry. but i didn't pursue my crush, just let work go on as normal. and after awhile i realized that he is just another guy. the one i MARRIED is my husband. that's what matters.
as far as "deciding to fall in love". i 100% feel that it is ALL in your attitude. you can decide to be miserable and "I deserve better", and "he doesn't make me happy" and "i need to be happy", placing all the responsibility OUTSIDE of yourself, or you can realize that happiness comes from within, and that is the ONLY place TRUE happiness comes from. so when you decide that this person you married is a GOOD man, and focus on his GOOD qualities, and decide to be happy and grateful for what you HAVE instead of focusing on the negative, and the "what ifs" (because that's all they are - the reality is NEVER as good as the fantasy), THEN you can truly teach yourself to be happy.
the reason it never works (ok rarely) is because 99% of people aren't willing to truly take responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their feelings. YES you can control them.
IF you want to. and that's a big IF.
Realize the crush is a fantasy, and if you were with the crush, the crush would soon become as boring as the husband.
Act like you and your husband did to each other when you were dating (flirty, kind, fun, happy, generous, thoughtful, playful), and stay together for the sake of the kid.
Get a new job- that is the short answer. Honestly, even if someone has a huge crush, they can choose to be professional.
If the marriage is salvagable... try to save it! The person with the crush may realize what THAT person "has" that their spouse doesn't. Usually at least half of attraction, the more important half, is personality. Those are the things you kindly try to rekindle in a marriage.
My husband wishes I was a little more outrageous, like I was when we got married. Back then I was HOT and I knew it, I was a wild one, and I loved attention. Now I am a little more "domesticated"... He loves me just as much... but I am working on getting that "fire" back... by learning to see my new self, inside and out and LIKE it. When I think I am hot, when I think I am cool... so does he.
That is one example. Sometimes marriage takes the "fun" out of a relationship, the fun and the freedom and the excitement... sometimes if you fix that you can fix the marriage, sometimes if the problems are deeper, it isn't fixable.
My dad was an alcoholic adulterer- he had a baby by another woman when I was five, my parents stayed together "for me". That was a huge mistake. Marriage and cohabitation are two very different things.
Never, never, never cheat. You (whoever it is) won't respect yourself, your children won't respect you, your spouse won't and the person you cheated with won't. I am no saint... but I know that there is always a solution in any decent marriage, and if there isn't- end the marriage first.
-M.
Well I think I will have an interesting spin on this conversation. My now husband is a colleague of mine. However, when I started working here he was married to another and for many years afterwards remained so. I always considered him a nice, smart, MARRIED guy - meaning I never thought of him as anything more than a colleague and casual friend. He, however, had a work crush on me. Now, my husband is SOOOO NOT the cheating kind so he never uttered a word about it or let on to me or anyone else that he had feelings for me. In fact, when I would bemoan yet another dating disaster during lunch (we have a communal kitchen) he would always encourage me to keep looking and even suggested taking a graduate class to find a higher caliber person! And he wasn't being flip, he was serious. His marriage as it turns out, was a very unhappy one. The marriage actually fell apart a year in and he told her he thought they had made a mistake and wanted a divorce. 10 seconds later she was pregnant. He stayed for his son. It degraded until his friends pulled him aside and told him her influence was ruining their son. He asked her for a divorce when he was confident he could get custody of their son (and did). A couple of months after he was separated, we started going out to parties and things - group outings since he was newly single and needed to get back into the scene. Little did I know, this ENTIRE time - years literally - he had been wanting to ask me out. Again, had his marriage been happy, he would have NEVER acted on his feelings (and probably not had such strong feelings had the home fires been burning). And he didn't act on them until after they had legally filed for divorce. He did eventually ask me out and I was hesitant - it was hard for me to get over my image of him as "married guy" not to mention he had a child, was separated and we worked together. Needless to say, our start was SLOW and bumpy but 8+ years later (married for 5+) here we are!!! People do need to work on their marriage but when it's over, you know and, as hard as it is, you need to move on because happiness may be waiting around the bend for you and life is too short!
Well, first off, I'm in a similar situation... my husband and I just attended our first session of marriage counseling last week. Sometimes it feels hopeless, sometimes I feel like we can bring the love and respect back. Anyway, that's a whole 'nother story.
On to the "work crush". So, there's a super cute, nice, smart, respectful guy I work with who I have a "work crush" on. Here are the things that keep me in check:
1) He happens to be married to a beautiful girl, with a beautiful baby boy, and is 10 years younger than me.
2) Most people have their best face & attitude on at work (including me and my husband). This includes looking their best, acting professional and socially acceptable, being likeable and respectful to your coworkers, etc. all in the name of keeping your job. Most people leave this at the door when they come home (including my crush!). Why go to the trouble to looking and acting your best at home? You're in your safe zone where you can kick back and let your guard down. You get lazy and don't feel like you need to impress your spouse anymore. (Me and my husband's mistake)
My point is... the "front" that people have at work is often not who they really are. It's their "work face". He probably goes home, plops on the couch & farts, and doesn't help around the house either! I also feel pretty silly once I remind myself that there is no chance in hell anything would ever become of it.
My second point... the marriage might be heading downhill, but don't push it off a cliff you can't get back up by a little office fling.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying someone else's company and being friendly, but you need to keep it at that.
Buy The Love Dare at a Christian Book store. Its not *necessarily* for christians but can be used to turn around your marriage. There have been TONS of people who have been in this situation and it has helped get their marriage back and better than it was. Good luck!!!
How to stop a crush... Just do not go there. Don't let your fantasy develop. Stop your thoughts by focusing and saying something else in your head like "I love my husband...I love my husband". Well maybe not that but something:0)
I have been happily married for over 15 years. I am more in love with my husband than the day I married him. How? We both work at the marriage by staying connected. We regularly go out on dates with just us alone and with other couples. We have a lot of laughs together that keeps us connected even though my husband and I have different taste in music, movies, TV shows, books and hobbies. We have frequent sex. How can I not love someone who makes me feel so good physically. We also always try to have something to look forward to even if it is a day trip to Hershey park or to see local music. We also are both committed to our marriage. This is what works for us. I do recognize it takes two people to make a marriage work but only one person to break a marriage up. However if you have two good, decent people I really do think you can fix the marriage when it feels to be broken.
She needs to stop any fantasizing that is going on so she can try to put a stop to it now. She should also make sure she doesn't intentionally put herself in positions where she has more contact with him. It is way too easy to fall into an affair when your own marriage is not doing so well and the other person looks so much more desirable.
